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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ignored when grieving

39 replies

MrsWhatAmIDoing · 01/12/2020 10:52

Hi, I've not posted here before but I've taken lots of advice from other threads. I hope I can be concise when asking for advice for myself: My adored Dad passed away in August after a 2 year cancer battle. I'm devastated, as are my family, but we're getting on with life because there is no other choice. Right now I'm actually finding it harder to deal with being ignored by my friends. A couple have been brilliant and I wouldn't have got through this without them. I've had the kindest messages from the most unexpected places. But my main group, and one of my oldest friends, who I would have thought would rally round, have been awful and left me feeling so low. I don't need to endlessly cry and talk about my Dad all the time, but they've not even acknowledged it, even though they knew him and got on with him really well. They turned up at the funeral and cried in all the right places, but not once have they give me a hug or said anything to me. That sounds so childish in black and white, but we've been close friends for years and I feel hung out to dry. Part of me is very much done with these women, but maybe I will get over it. Should I get over it? I just wondered if anyone else had been treated like this, and I wondered what they did? What happened with these friendships further down the line? Thanks x

OP posts:

Doublebubblebubble · 01/12/2020 11:08

I dont think you are BU but death and grief shows you who your friends are.

Who'll be there through the darkesr parts and who are just fair weather friends.

My experience was having stillborn twins 8 years ago. Tonnes of my friends ran. Avoided me because they didnt know what to say. I think 3 of my friends came to their funeral. Others opted not to. One of my friends was pregnant at the time so decided it was probably best she didnt come. She is my best friend now though Others came more to the forefront and i would die for them.

This is the part where you learn

carbhunter · 01/12/2020 11:12

Sometimes people don't wany to bring it up because they think that's the wrong thing to do and will upset you more. Have you spoken to any of them and said that it would help you to talk about it?
It would be nice if our friends knew instinctively what we need at times of crisis, but people aren't perfect and are sometimes grappling their own demons.

Give them the opportunity by telling them what you need. If they still avoid you then agree with pp that you know who your real friends are.

VainAbigail · 01/12/2020 11:16

not once have they give me a hug

It’s hard for people to do this right now, you know, with covid and all so that’s logically why you didn’t get hugs.

That they didn’t even speak to you is very off though.

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/12/2020 11:19

They haven't hugged you? You do know there is a pandemic and that we are supposed to be keeping our distance from people outside of out households? They are probably just trying to ensure they don't asymptomatically transmit or catch the virus.

How can you say one of your oldest friends has not acknowledged your father's death when they attended the funeral? It is disappointing if they haven't said anything since but many people either just don't know what to say or mistakenly think 'least said soonest mended'. Only you will know what type of person they are.

StopGo · 01/12/2020 11:25

I was widowed in lockdown 1 and in my experience the the usual etiquette around death and bereavement have been suspended and may never return.

Due to geographical distance DH's parent and siblings were unable to attend so it was just me and our DC. We couldn't have a wake and chapel numbers were very limited so that's what we decided.

My friends and family are following the guidelines so none of them have given any of us a hug. How can they?
Grief is never easy but it's awful isolating and lonely place currently

Lou98 · 01/12/2020 11:32

I definitely don't think you're BU, dealing with grief is hard and can be very lonely. You will know your friends better than us here and know what they're normally like and if there's a back story, but if they're normally good friends to you I would say it's more a case of them not wanting to say the wrong thing or wanting to let you come to them rather than them not caring.

People deal with grief in different ways, some people like yourself like to talk about it and have that support but many people like to be left alone and process it all themselves and will reach out if they want to. This is perhaps how your friends deal with grief and don't want to approach the subject in case it isn't what you want and would upset you further.
It is hard to know the right thing to say to someone when their grief is still so fresh. My dad died last year and I found that after the initial condolences I never heard much about it, which was how I preferred it, I found it difficult to talk about and it just made me upset, I knew my friends were there if I wanted to talk but I respected that they never pushed it and didn't bring it up.

If using a chat with them would really help you, I would give them a wee message and say you're struggling and could use someone to talk to if they're free, I'm sure they will be there for you if they're really your friends.

Sorry for your loss OP💐

Possums4evr · 01/12/2020 11:33

Have the friends you feel have let you down lost their own parents? As i find there is a gulf between how people respond depending on whether they have known loss themselves. Obviously that is a generalisation.

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/12/2020 11:35

A friend of mine lost his wife a couple of years back. I find it much easier to talk to him because he talks about her - not all the time, but he mentions her in conversation, gives the signal that he doesn't want me to steer away from the subject.

Not everyone deals with grief the same way. Some people deal with it in private, and don't want it mentioned in case they break down in public.

DillonPanthersTexas · 01/12/2020 11:35

People deal with death and grief very differently, what someone may comforting others find intrusive and insensitive.

I imagine if you reach out to your friends they will respond with kindness and support.

Hellotheresweet · 01/12/2020 11:37

Sorry but when you say your closest friends haven’t event acknowledged your beloved fathers passing... how does that work in practise? You mean to say that since losing him, they haven’t mentioned him at all when you’ve got together or sent any messages about him at all?

Original poster

MrsWhatAmIDoing · 01/12/2020 11:45

Thanks so much for responding, I do appreciate it. I think maybe I'm not one to ask, and I just thought they'd know me well enough by now. Maybe because I wouldn't have done what they've done (rightly or wrongly) and I don't know why they've been like this - I just know that I would never say nothing but we are all different. This Covid break from everyone might just do me a favour and get my head straight. Thanks all x

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsWhatAmIDoing · 01/12/2020 11:49

@Hellotheresweet

Yep, exactly that! My oldest friend, who I'm probably hurt about the most as she'd known him for 30 years, hasn't mentioned it, even when I saw her 2 days before the funeral :-( My group of friends - 2 have PMd me, 2 have been silent. It sounds like I have a certain expectation, but I really don't - I just didn't expect to feel like this.

OP posts:

trappedsincesundaymorn · 01/12/2020 11:51

I hear you OP. I 've lost both parents this year, Mum at the start of lockdown 1 and dad at the start of lockdown 2...the silence from some of those I thought were my friends, has been deafening.

RedRocketGirl · 01/12/2020 11:52

Hi @MrsWhatAmIDoing arghh this is so rubbish I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I lost both parents within 17 months of each other in my late 30s and I ended up re evaluating friendships I'd had for years because people were so crap and just ignored messages that I sent saying that Mum or Dad and died and how upset I was. Like others have said the people who really care come to the forefront in times like this and it might be unexpected who they are. My closest friend also struggled a bit but she was still there for me when it really counted and we got past it. Don't be afraid to tell people that it helps to remember your Dad and talk about it and then if they still avoid it and or you then you know where you stand.

Spiderysummer · 01/12/2020 11:55

I lost my Dad in October and I've not been hugged by any friends but this is because of the pandemic. I found friends who had lost a parent have asked how I am weeks later, those who haven't lost a parent didn't. Could this be part of the problem? I know when a friend loses a parent in future, I will find it easier to help them.

Hellotheresweet · 01/12/2020 11:58

These are not friends

I lost both my parents
My two best friends were there for me in every sense. Every sense.

ginghamtablecloths · 01/12/2020 12:07

We all deal with grief in different ways. Some people may appear to be uncaring but it could be that they simply can't cope and don't know what to say so they say nothing. It's unhelpful especially if you feel that you want to talk. My ILs were about as much use as a chocolate teapot and tried to ignore it. I've long since stopped expecting help from them. I'm sorry you're going through with this and I hope you've got other people in your life who can cope and are willing to listen.

Sirzy · 01/12/2020 12:11

I think beyond the early days and the funeral you need to let people know what you need from them. Many people wouldn’t want asking and reminding regularly. Doesn’t make either wrong.

Sadly hugs and the likes are very much off the cards this year and the whole situation does make it a lot harder for people to know what to do

Derekhello · 01/12/2020 12:13

I’m sorry for your loss I found this when I lost my dad, my oldest best friend didn’t even cross the road to come and speak to me (it was in the days just after it happened) I do get that some people don’t know what to say but I’ve never forgotten it and thought at the time how I’d never treat her that way, it’s very hurtful and contact stopped after that, I stopped bothering with her. You certainly find out who your true friends are.

Sunmoonstars77 · 01/12/2020 12:16

@MrsWhatAmIDoing I'm really sorry for the loss of your dad. YANBU, a message from them would take seconds so really it wouldn't hurt them to check in and see how you're doing. Concentrate on those who make the effort for you and those who don't then just don't bother with them. I can understand the current climate makes things difficult in many ways but they could still message you or pick the phone up!

Carrotcakey · 01/12/2020 12:24

I’ve also lost my Dad this year. So sorry for your loss OP and I really empathise. I’ve found exactly the same, it’s a real mixed bag of acknowledgement and sympathy. My oldest friend from school, who I’m not close to anymore but am in touch with, didn’t so much as send a message. Others who I barely know have been supportive above and beyond.

I think it comes down to people not knowing what to say or if you would want them to say anything. I can be a bit like that myself if I don’t know someone very well and don’t know what they would want. People being self absorbed in their own lives and generally not interested, people don’t need to be interested but you should at least pretend IMO! And with a parent I think you can only truly empathise when you’ve been through it yourself.

notanothertakeaway · 01/12/2020 12:44

I think it's hard for friends to offer support, if they don't know what you want. Some people want to talk, others don't

Ineedaduvetday · 01/12/2020 12:45

Sorry for your loss

I think people are often unsure how to be supportive. Some step back and wait for you to reach out to them as they don't want to impinge on your grief. Others let you know they are there if you need them and that is my preferred way.

When my Mum died I felt like everyone just fucked off and got on with their life while mine lay in tatters. However years later I realised that I did that to others as well without intending to. I let them know I was there if they needed me but I did get on with my life.

Odile13 · 01/12/2020 12:50

I’m sorry about your Dad OP. I understand why you’re upset. I have observed that many people have no idea how to cope with someone else’s grief. They don’t know what to say so they ignore it. Maybe some are self obsessed but I think more just don’t know what to say or do and death makes them feel very uncomfortable. I know that doesn’t make it any easier or hurt less for you though.

TurquoiseDragon · 01/12/2020 12:55

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. And sorry your friends haven't been so supportive.

In general, I think people don't know how to deal with death anymore. We insulate our kids from death and they grow up not knowing how to react or support people.

I recall being sat in the park with my then 18 year old DD (only 2 years ago) talking about mum, who had passed away days before. A woman walking by with a teen daughter berated me (yes, seriously) for talking about death inappropriately in public where her DD could hear.

Her DD was 13 apparently. More than old enough to understand that people die. I told the woman to stop mollycoddling her DD.

But how many people have had this kind of upbringing now, where death is a taboo subject. TBH it doesn't bode well.

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