Ignored when grieving

[MrsWhatAmIDoing]

Hi, I've not posted here before but I've taken lots of advice from other threads. I hope I can be concise when asking for advice for myself: My adored Dad passed away in August after a 2 year cancer battle. I'm devastated, as are my family, but we're getting on with life because there is no other choice. Right now I'm actually finding it harder to deal with being ignored by my friends. A couple have been brilliant and I wouldn't have got through this without them. I've had the kindest messages from the most unexpected places. But my main group, and one of my oldest friends, who I would have thought would rally round, have been awful and left me feeling so low. I don't need to endlessly cry and talk about my Dad all the time, but they've not even acknowledged it, even though they knew him and got on with him really well. They turned up at the funeral and cried in all the right places, but not once have they give me a hug or said anything to me. That sounds so childish in black and white, but we've been close friends for years and I feel hung out to dry. Part of me is very much done with these women, but maybe I will get over it. Should I get over it? I just wondered if anyone else had been treated like this, and I wondered what they did? What happened with these friendships further down the line? Thanks x

Sorry you've had such an awful time. But as pp have said people deal with grief differently. Personally I'd not like for people to keep bringing it up when trying to heal, unless it's my husband or sisters for example, in private. If that's how they cope they might be trying to be respectful. You might need to tell them how you feel and that you need to talk about your dad

The world is divided between people who've lost a parent and those who haven't. I don't think it is possible to imagine what it feels like if you haven't experienced it yourself.

I am so so sorry you've lost such a huge part of you and that you aren't getting what you need from every one of your friends.

This may not apply to you but I have found that when life throws loss at me out of nowhere it is often easier to try to avoid the pain of the grieving process by (mis)directing it as anger at others. Which is very understandable, not a conscious decision and a trick our brains play to try to protect us.

It sounds so trite, but your lovely Dad will live on in you and in my experience you can expect to see him in yourself (and your children if you have them) more and more as the years go by. Which feels very comforting.

Someone who has invoked such love in others doesn't just disappear. And every tear you shed is a tribute to what a very special man he was.

And finally, I personally believe that the spirits of those we love who have passed always remain close by. That sort of love can't just die.

It takes time I'm afraid and I send a very big hug to you from me x

I'm sorry for your loss OP and sorry your friends have made you feel this way.
To put the perspective of someone who hasn't lost a parent but have friends who have..

My friend lost her mum a couple of years ago. I still have my mum, we're in contact but not close. When the time comes and she passes away I honestly can't imagine going through grief. I know that may sound awful. But when my friends mum died, I did text but only a couple of times. I didn't call on the phone, it just didn't occur to me and she seemed ok.
Maybe their personal relationships with their parents haven't given them insight into what grief might be like but not necessarily a reflection on how much affection they have for you.

Are they tiptoeing around it not wanting to upset you? I lost my Dad at 19 & found people vey reluctant to mention it til I showed distress. After that, they were very supportive ,so they took their lead from me. With the noticeable exception of a college tutor who asked me how long my Dad had got when I asked for an essay extension: "well how long is this going on for, because my aunt lived 10 years after diagnosis". Unbelieveable. He shut up when I said he'd been given 3months.

In my experience, this is very typical unfortunately. I had exactly the same reaction from some friends and family when a parent died, some just wouldn't mention it, ever, - but some went above and beyond and became my heroes.

It was exactly the same when I became unwell with a serious disease. I think lots of people feel very awkward around vulnerability. They are scared to say the wrong thing so they don't say anything. It's very frustrating and hurtful as the person grieving though as it comes across as very selfish on their part.

OP, how would you feel about telling your friend what you need from her? I think some people genuinely want to help or sympathise but don't know how to. At least it might give her the chance to step up. Obviously if she doesn't do so, you have your answer sadly.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I think a lot of it depends on life situations (and well as bloody damn covid)

My friends are all have jobs and kids and responsibilities so it isn't as easy to just "be there" at any given time. Not to mention geographical distance.

That said when my mum died 10 weeks ago, each and every friend who matters to me reached out in their own way and offered support and solidarity and an ear to bend (even if they couldn't give me a hug!)

To not acknowledge it at all is pretty shit. Sorry for you loss @MrsWhatAmIDoing

The thing is people don’t know what to say, as nothing they can say will make anything better.
I lost my mum a couple of years ago and I didn’t want to talk about her at first because it made me upset.

I found the people who at least acknowledged something had happened very helpful though! Grief can be a very lonely thing.

Knowing how to deal with others grief is very difficult. I remember reading an article many years ago regarding two sets of parents who had each lost a child. Coincidentally both families ran village shops and both were giving up. One family because they could not cope with no one saying anything about their loss and the other because people kept mentioning their loss and making them cry when they were trying to hold things together.

Personally, after the loss of each of my parents I used to dread going out and seeing people in case they mentioned it because I would completely break down each time, for a long time afterwards and would just hope that no one would say anything. Just a squeeze of my hand could have me sobbing uncontrollably. I just wanted people to act as normal. If they were my friends I knew that they would feel sorry that I had lost someone I loved.

I also used to dread getting sympathy cards. You get one, have a good cry and just as you are getting yourself together another comes through the door. I know other people find them comforting but they just upset me more.

But, we are all different and I am sorry that you are being caused distress. I am very sorry for you loss.

Have your friends lost parents? I find those who haven’t experienced such a loss have no idea what you’re going through or how to help.
My best friend did nothing. Someone I knew only to say hello to was wonderful.
Now I find that as friends loose their own family I’m able to step in and give support or say the right thing as I’ve been there and know what helps.

@StopGo

I was widowed in lockdown 1 and in my experience the the usual etiquette around death and bereavement have been suspended and may never return.

Due to geographical distance DH's parent and siblings were unable to attend so it was just me and our DC. We couldn't have a wake and chapel numbers were very limited so that's what we decided.

My friends and family are following the guidelines so none of them have given any of us a hug. How can they?
Grief is never easy but it's awful isolating and lonely place currently

I'm in the same position, nothing to do with covid etc, just happened at the start of the first lockdown. We were only able to have a small gathering for the funeral, we couldn't even get together afterwards due to the rules. I'm not sure what you're. OP, expecting from your friends. they can't come and give you hugs etc., the pandemoic has made a dreadful situation worse, I still don't know when I'll be able to meet up with our firends and what I'll expect from them. When I've met up with friends when the pub quiz had a short respite people clearly didn't know what to say, 7 months after the event.

When I lost my mum (horrible cancer, only 60) friends were amazing initially and had been fabulous during the drawn out vileness of nursing a loved one through a terminal undignified disease.

But after the funeral there was a sense of them all carrying on as normal which I resented- but of course fond as they might have been of my mum, and as much as they love me- life was continuing for them. You lost your beloved parent in August so I imagine it still feels raw but try not to blame those around you for not sharing the sentiment. Death isnt a comfy subject for anyone

Much love for your loss

@keeprocking it's a rubbish club we've both unwilling joined. My DH didn't have Covid either. I'm sorry for your loss

Stopgo.
I’m sorry.
I was widowed but could grieve with my husband’s family and friends. That was hard enough. I am really sorry you’re dealing with this in these times.