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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU being unable to think of a present I actually need/ want?

99 replies

7strees · 01/12/2020 10:47

DP has asked me to pick a Christmas present, value c. £60-70. He wants to get me something to keep, not something disposable or for the house. I am really struggling. He's getting something along those lines, think fancy pen.

However I already have nice pens, tech stuff (although that doesn't really fit the brief) and I am at a loss. I did suggest jewellery but he refused as I am too fussy and won't like anything he picks.

I absolutely have to come up with something and am totally out of ideas...

I don't mean this insensitively btw, I know some people are struggling to afford anything this Christmas, we are lucky in that I am working and DP has been able to rely on business savings to keep afloat (as he isn't eligible for furlough or other payments).

OP posts:
Orangeboots · 02/12/2020 23:17

I’d say no - forget it - give me a kiss and wish me Hsppy Christmas! Who is this gift for and what’s the point?

Slothkin · 02/12/2020 23:35

I hope your SiL likes it @Slightlyunhinged! It has made a big difference for me while not being able to get a physio appointment (and is also very relaxing with a cuppa before bed!).

JaceLancs · 02/12/2020 23:43

I know what you mean I tend to buy stuff as and when I want or need it - especially if it’s under £50
For presents I ask for perfume - surprise me with something new
More luxurious variants of what I like - so expensive candle - non standard single malt - cashmere socks rather than cashmere mix

PinkArt · 02/12/2020 23:53

If you're struggling to think of a 'to keep' present, would you find it easier to think of a list of consumables? He just seems to be giving you the gift of stress, which shouldn't be the point! If luxury chocolates/ candle/ wine etc would be much nicer for you then make him hear that, rather than thinking of a thing for the sake of it.

JingsMahBucket · 02/12/2020 23:56

@7strees why not let him buy you the expensive perfume?

anameIcallmyself · 03/12/2020 00:10

@7strees

I would like something cashmere but would never dare to wear it so it feels a waste!

Art is a really nice idea but I have no idea where to start, I had a look on Etsy but it was all either cheap prints which were in budget, or originals/ limited editions which definitely were not.

I run, and definitely need new trainers but I'd rather buy those myself.

I keep coming back to jewellery but I think he's not keen, even if I specify what I want. I'm going to find something I like and keep that as a back up suggestion in case I can't think of anything else.

Ask for cashmere if that's what you'd like. We often forget that sometimes we deserve something just because we like it. You're worth it.
caringcarer · 03/12/2020 00:45

I know exactly what you mean. My 2 sons start asking me about 2 months before my birthday. I really don't want anything, and if I did I would buy it for myself. Now when they ask me I tell them to take me out for a meal one lunchtime or evening. They are both busy and one works long hours so I don't really get to see them much even though they are both living at home in loft extension we had made for the. Then I came up with option of asking them to take me for a meal. Basically I get to spend some quality time with them in relaxed surroundings. I go with one son at a time. When they ask what I want for Xmas I will tell them the same too.

Slightlyunhinged · 03/12/2020 01:32

I've just remembered a friend of mine came up with a great idea for her birthday last year. Her son lives about 3 hours away and she misses him, so she said she would like some time every month where they met up, just the two of them. He still comes down here for family events and visits, but on top of that they get together every month, each driving half way. It worked a treat until Covid came along.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 03/12/2020 01:52

Puppy!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 03/12/2020 01:58

or a kitten if you're both working

Yeahnahmum · 03/12/2020 02:13

A shawl. A subscription for a magazine. Shoes. Sweater anything really.

Or a donation to a good cause on your behalf?

BluePeterVag · 03/12/2020 02:34

I want the Homedics stretch mat. Anything from Homedics is good. We have the shiatsu massage chair pad thing and it has more than paid for it self over and over again.
A few years ago we bought a framed sketch of our first home together. Really treasure that.

Nitflux · 03/12/2020 03:45

I’m another advocate for M&S cashmere. I have a couple of the round neck jumpers, a cardigan and a scarf (last two were gifts from DH) and they’ve lasted really well. Machine wash on cold and you’re all good. I did have a third jumper but I washed it on a normal cycle which didn’t turn out so well...

BarbaraofSeville · 03/12/2020 07:09

He doesn't seem to realise what a present is. If he doesn't do any thinking or choosing and just wants to click on a link that you send him, that's not a present from him, its you doing 90% of the work and if you got to that stage you might as well just follow through and buy the thing yourself, rather than sending it to him so he can mentally tick a box that he bought you something for Christmas when he really didn't.

When you have money that you can generally buy what you want/need, who pays for the item is irrelevant, especially between couples when the money all comes out of the same household pot, one way or another.

He either needs to go with your brief of jewellery or art and choose something himself, or if he doesn't want to (or you'd rather he didn't because you'd rather choose something like this yourself) then he needs to go back on the 'nice consumable' route and just get your perfume or some nice booze, or whatever it is that you like and preferably something else that he's chosen himself, which doesn't have to be expensive, it could be chocolates, or a nice gift pack of nuts, but he needs to get off his arse and into a shop (or buy online) to buy something for you and wrap it up all by himself.

DP gets me gin and chocolates and I'm perfectly fine with that because I'd much rather choose my own clothes, accessories, tech etc etc myself and shop around for deals and he usually goes to Waitrose and picks from whatever expensive ones are on offer (which I'm fine with, I like a bargain and would rather he did this than pay full price for something!) gets some nice chocolates - I tell him if it looks like a lot of money for a small box, it will be good and I get a surprise and more importantly he's done some thinking and choosing.

BarbaraofSeville · 03/12/2020 07:11

@caringcarer

I know exactly what you mean. My 2 sons start asking me about 2 months before my birthday. I really don't want anything, and if I did I would buy it for myself. Now when they ask me I tell them to take me out for a meal one lunchtime or evening. They are both busy and one works long hours so I don't really get to see them much even though they are both living at home in loft extension we had made for the. Then I came up with option of asking them to take me for a meal. Basically I get to spend some quality time with them in relaxed surroundings. I go with one son at a time. When they ask what I want for Xmas I will tell them the same too.
This too. Quality time with a loved one, especially one that you don't always see enough of, like an adult DC, is much more valued than a physical present that the recipient could buy for themselves any day of the week.
BarbaraofSeville · 03/12/2020 07:13

Or unless you have cats (or possibly dogs) get the cashmere. Turtle Doves wrist warmers are very popular on here, I love mine.

I can't wear nice jumpers in the house because the cats ruin them with their claws, but I can get away with these.

Ragwort · 03/12/2020 07:24

Totally agree that often the 'giver' is doing it for their own reason, ie; they feel better if they spend £60-70 on you. My DH and I have long agreed not to exchange gifts ... we do buy each other chocolates or something small but both of would far rather choose things for ourselves or share a meal out, night away (pre Covid) or something for the house.

My DH is into fishing & hiking & I would never know the exact gadget that was right, equally I would much rather choose something for for myself than have to act surprised and grateful for a gift that is really not quite right ... and I hate the waste of money on unwanted prsesnts.

DappledThings · 03/12/2020 07:43

This is why DH and I stopped buying each other presents years ago. It's so pointless trying to cone up with an idea of something you want just for the sake of it.

A couple of years ago we bought a painting just before Christmas and called that our joint present to each other. Last 2 years there hasn't been anything we've wanted so we don't bother.

Adults on my side of the family all do charity gifts which is what I insist on for my birthday as well.

If you can't think of anything you want then you don't want anything so say that!

Holothane · 03/12/2020 16:06

I’ve picked all my presents this year I can’t wait oodies silk pillowcases slippers and now cds from my teen years the best of all as music kept me going in my teen years.

Pinkcadillac · 03/12/2020 17:06

I have asked my DH to peruse the accessories section art Arket and Cos. They have nice stuff in the £60-80 bracket

This is my favourite: www.arket.com/en_gbp/women/bags-accessories/product.checked-wool-scarf-yellow.0838987002.html

VinylDetective · 03/12/2020 17:21

I told mine what I wanted. I’m getting this.

onehundredstars.co.uk/collections/cushions/products/cushion-cover-50-x-50-stork-slate

Apparently that didn’t cost enough so there will be a surprise too, probably from the same company.

He wanted a pair of red Geox loafers so they’ll go under the tree with this. He admired it ages ago and has forgotten all about it now.

lakelandsteel.uk/metal-wall-art/birds/robin-and-chick-on-a-branch-metal-tree-art-metal-bird-garden-steel-rusty-silver-copper-gold-black/

nosswith · 03/12/2020 18:03

If you cannot think of one, there are charities where a donation for a specific purpose is an alternative. For example, tents for those displaced by floods in a developing country.

My mum had a goat for one birthday!

PretendLife · 03/12/2020 18:47

When you get to a point when you cant think of anything you want, this is the time to agree not to do presents anymore. I have got rid of all present buying over the years.

Original poster
7strees · 08/12/2020 18:47

I am still struggling with this and I'm acutely aware time is ticking which isn't helping.

I can't find any art that I would really like or means anything to me.

I have looked and looked for jewellery but not seen anything that I thought was timeless or I would wear every day/ often enough.

My DC are clubbing together to buy me a cashmere scarf so that's out.

I'm really stuck for anything to pick now, I looked for books too but couldn't find anything I would want.

Honestly I am dreading telling DP I can't think of anything. I know he will think I just haven't tried or bothered and it will cause a row which I really don't want. If only I could think of something that is a thing to keep, that I don't already have and would like :(

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/12/2020 19:25

The bubble thing for bath? 😁It's a mat you stick to the bottom and it makes in into whirlpool bath😁
Your personal coffee? Or personal tea collection?
Craft beer box?
Backpack
Quality headphones
Sunglasses
Face roller and some lovely all natural oil
Anything for your hobby?