What to do with teen sneaking around with phone?

[alwaysupdating]

So dd is 13 and I have a rule that the phone must be left in the living room around 8pm (this hardly ever happens and is often 9 / 10)

Last night she had her phone until 10. 30 then put it in the living room and went to bed. Well so I thought!

This morning I went to wake her up and found her tangled in her charger and earphones and realised she put an old phone of mine in her phone case to trick me.

I'm disappointed but not sure how to deal with it. I saw a phone jail in asda a few days ago I'm really thinking of getting it.

I know alot of other people allow their teens to self manage phones etc, but my dd won't and will stay up all night with her phone and ipad if she gets away with it.

She has school work to do and I don't want her being over tired! I also feel she is disrespectful by purposely tricking me.

So this is a what would you do?

In my house she would lose her phone for a set period. Possibly a week.

I'd also set and stick to an agreed time for her phone use, as at the moment you are giving a rule and not sticking to it. Better to change the time to later and actually stick to it. So 8.30 or 9 on a weekday and 10 on a fri/Sat (or whatever works with you).

Any behaviour over putting phone away at bedtime means it's lost the next day.

Get her some way to listen to music in her room on an evening, digital radio or something.

How old/basic is your old phone? I would be tempted to make her use that for a week if it’s old enough to be an issue for her bug will still allow emergency calls etc, and keep hers somewhere she can’t find it.

Your daughter isn't going to stop sleeping entirely if she doesn't hand her phone over every night. And she's not going to sleep at school either so she will sleep at night.

I would discuss how dangerous it is to wear earphones at night. That's the most important thing.

I think the phone jail is a ridiculous and demeaning thing to do to a girl that in three years can live alone and have her own child.

Let her be tired a few days and learn to manage her own phone use.

Yeah the sneakiness is wrong but if you make silly rules then expect them to be broken.

If she had her earphones in was she listening to music? I would penalize this incidence but I would also speak to her about what she wants to do with her phone and whether there are other ways of doing it. For example does she have another way of accessing music, stories, podcasts etc? I would consider these perfectly valid activities for bed time and would see if there is another way (e.g. Alexa) for her to access non visual media.

@Nottherealslimshady

Your daughter isn't going to stop sleeping entirely if she doesn't hand her phone over every night. And she's not going to sleep at school either so she will sleep at night.

I would discuss how dangerous it is to wear earphones at night. That's the most important thing.

I think the phone jail is a ridiculous and demeaning thing to do to a girl that in three years can live alone and have her own child.

Let her be tired a few days and learn to manage her own phone use.

Yeah the sneakiness is wrong but if you make silly rules then expect them to be broken.

There are real reasons why it is recommended by lots of children's charities to not let your child have this phone all night and to check their phone use. Cyber bullying, grooming, pornography are just a few examples. 13 is just too young to expect even a sensible child to navigate all this by themselves.

www.net-aware.org.uk/

Family sharing. Means you can set screen time- my 12 year old’s is currently set to go off 9-7, she can’t use the phone at all overnight, even if in her room. I can also block certain apps or time limit them.

I have also set her netflix account etc to PG only so it’s only happy kids stuff, no teenage angst or getting obsessed with series.

Or sometimes you can set up your router to block internet access between certain times.

I also have her findmyphone app password, so I can block it, or even erase it remotely.

If she doesn’t co operate phone gets removed completely.

@bluebluezoo

That’s great. Just watch out as kids are good at getting round these things as they get older...

To those who say “ let her self regulate “ some kids will but some won’t. IMHE the cyber bullying is huge and can be subtle. Feeling the need to be contactable all the time - apart from sexting / pictures etc Also extends to “ Shelby -mae-Louise was going to cut herself if I didn’t text back to chat at 2am , I’m her best support “ type manipulation too which nice kids don’t even recognise as bullying / controlling.

[quote Helenluvsrob]@bluebluezoo

That’s great. Just watch out as kids are good at getting round these things as they get older...

To those who say “ let her self regulate “ some kids will but some won’t. IMHE the cyber bullying is huge and can be subtle. Feeling the need to be contactable all the time - apart from sexting / pictures etc Also extends to “ Shelby -mae-Louise was going to cut herself if I didn’t text back to chat at 2am , I’m her best support “ type manipulation too which nice kids don’t even recognise as bullying / controlling.[/quote]
Completely agree with the above.
Cyberbullying can be very subtle, and enhance the FOMO that kids can feel.
I.e everyone was on the group chat last night except me and now I feel left out.
I work with teens and its very common. Also the most popular times for grooming and radicalisation is between 11pm and 4am when teens are alone with their phones and can't sleep.

I think you are doing the right thing OP, you're the parent after all and its your responsibility to look after the wellbeing of your child. A good night's sleep and resilience not to always be contactable is a good life skill.

Make a rule and stick to it. Show her how dangerous sleeping with earphones and charger is. Overheating phones...

She loses her phone for a week and has yours for emergencies(delete apps and check it)

When she gets hers back, keep checking it

To those who say “ let her self regulate “ some kids will but some won’t

Yes. My eldest has had a phone from quite young and has always used it reasonably.

Youngest cannot self regulate at all. She’s currently had her phone removed indefinitely as if she’s asked to put it down we have hysterics, drama, and yelling in my face to give it back.

She will have to earn it back, and then show enough control to earn app use/netflix etc back.

You don't let 13 year olds 'self regulate
' phone use overnight. Talk about lax and lazy parenting.

For this episode I would sit her down and explain my disappointment in her sneakiness and why we don't have phones in bedrooms overnight. I'd tell her to consider this her first and final warning and if she pulls a stunt like that again, she loses the phone. And then, I'd probably leave it at that on this occasion and continue to have her phone off her at bedtime - or whatever time you see fit.

No young teenager should be given free access to tech overnight

I agree - at 13 she should not need her phone in her room overnight. Those posters who dismiss this as overregulating and say children should have the ability to make their own choices have no idea of the risks out there. Cyberbullying is rife. Do not allow bullies the opportunity to have 24 hours a day access to your children.

In your shoes I would be taking the phone from her for a week.

We’ve had this with DD. First rule after that was we said she couldn’t have her phone upstairs at all. We confiscated the phone for a week too, it happened again so the next time it was confiscated for 2 weeks and we made her delete her Instagram account and deleted all the apps off her phone. She then had to earn our trust back to get each app back. She was off Instagram for about 8 months as she didn’t miss it after the first few weeks and only asked for it back after she got a new group of friends who only use Insta to message each other. She is now very sensible with it. We now have a screen time limit of 2 hours a day which we trust her to manage. We pay for her phone and contract so it’s our rules or she gets no phone.

I’d be livid with the sneakiness and if she really really needs a phone for school walking etc for that she would have a Nokia brick for a week or so.

Oh and re music in room - she has a clock radio and a CD player (we have a big collection at home). And a Bluetooth speaker so she’s allowed to put on a Spotify playlist using her phone from downstairs which works fine as phone is in the living room underneath her bedroom.

DS would have lost his phone, for genuine sneaky behaviour like that for at least a month. I'm fairly impervious to whining and he's already aware that taking the piss over the phone will lead to its removal, so not a massive shock.

I would then use the phone jail or similar and demand the phone is turned over at 6pm. On the basis that he would have to earn the trust back that he had broken by switching the phones.

He's 16 now and completely self regulated, so I think this approach probably worked for us.

Deceitfullness - phone goes away for a week. Then she has to physically hand her phone over to you at night, and you keep it in your room.

I’d take the phone off her.

I let mine be tired, get in trouble for not doing his homework and see the actual repercussions of his actions. He went head first into the wall: too tired, snappy, got in a fight in school and got 2 hour detention. All because he didn't get any sleep. And we had constant arguments about everything. Yes, it was painful and he was more than a pain in the butt for weeks. But we got there.

How will they learn if we don't give them the opportunity?

@Nottherealslimshady

Your daughter isn't going to stop sleeping entirely if she doesn't hand her phone over every night. And she's not going to sleep at school either so she will sleep at night.

I would discuss how dangerous it is to wear earphones at night. That's the most important thing.

I think the phone jail is a ridiculous and demeaning thing to do to a girl that in three years can live alone and have her own child.

Let her be tired a few days and learn to manage her own phone use.

Yeah the sneakiness is wrong but if you make silly rules then expect them to be broken.

So glad this comment has had the many negative responses it deserves.

Actual adults - indeed, even adults who work for social media companies - admit they cannot regulate their phone use. I'm one of them. I'm often tired because I mindlessly scroll before bed and before I've realised an hour has gone by and it's midnight and my toddler gets up in 6 hours.

How can you expect children to self-regulate when most adults can't?

Watch The Social Dilemma.

Misuse of tech, especially where it involves deceitfulness, results in at least a week's ban from that tech in our house.

@Nottherealslimshady

Your daughter isn't going to stop sleeping entirely if she doesn't hand her phone over every night. And she's not going to sleep at school either so she will sleep at night.

I would discuss how dangerous it is to wear earphones at night. That's the most important thing.

I think the phone jail is a ridiculous and demeaning thing to do to a girl that in three years can live alone and have her own child.

Let her be tired a few days and learn to manage her own phone use.

Yeah the sneakiness is wrong but if you make silly rules then expect them to be broken.

Hahahah you didn't know me as a teen. I'd be in my phone until 3am and up at 6am for school.

Teenagers are Isidore, I was exhausted but did I self regulate? No.

Set rules and stick to them. All she is doing at the moment is pushing boundaries that she has already established are moveable.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - i agree there should be no movement on time. I have been not letting her have her phone the next day if she doesn't put it away when asked.

But to put another phone in its place is a whole new level of sneaky :(

I have also found out she has downloaded snapchat even though she knows she is not allowed it.

She has whatapp and instagram which I think is more than enough.

I'm really annoyed as her phone is rubbish and I was planning to buy her a brand new iphone for xmas and now I don't feel like doing that

@Sirzy - my old phone is an iphone 7 but we do have a brick phone. Which by the way she brought out of her room to give it to me

I'm not sure if shes being a smart arse feels like she is to me