I don’t know what to do I need help!

[Leigh13697]

I really don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or completely over reacting. I have been with my husband for 5 years (married for 2) and we have 4 children between us I have a 15 year old daughter and 2 sons 11 & 8 and he has a son 10 (5 months younger than my son. Well to be honest we have had trouble with my stepson the whole time there is way to much to put in this one post but some of the main issues is he has hurt my children on several occasions and all he says is well I wanted to hurt them and when ask why he just says I just wanted too so as you can imagine I’ve been wearying watching closely whenever he is here, he has broken their belongings before and he just says the same thing he wanted to he’s scratched my face out of a photo, he’s told he’s mom a lie about my that could have caused a lot of trouble for me and to be honest he’s gone to school and told several lies about he’s mom aswell and because of this I’ve not ever alone with him so he can’t lie about me again. I forgot to mention that my daughter is severely autistic and not very verbal the reason I brought this up is because we are now faced with an impossible situation and I could lose my husband over this but I spoke to his mother the other day and she told me that my stepson was caught in he’s sisters bedroom (she’s just under 2) naked and playing with his privates he is fully aware how wrong this is however, he continues to carry on and is getting it out In front of others aswell well I’m deeply concerned and quite frankly terrified because a couple of months ago I woke for the toilet and found him about to go on the landing completely naked and couldn’t give me a straight answer as to what he was doing so I’m now thinking the worse because of my daughter he’s also pulled my youngest sons pants and shorts down repeatedly until we heard and told him that’s completely wrong and mustn’t do it again he also has stole a lot of money of his stepdads card and several occasions and there is so much more I’ve told my husband that I’m not comfortable with him coming here anymore and I honestly don’t know if I’m being over the top of if I have a good reason to be acting like this I’m just so scared I was abused as a child and over my dead body will my babies ever, ever go through that I’m just so stressed and confused and any advice would be amazing and so sorry for the long post xxx

You're not being over the top at all. You have to protect your children at all costs. If that means your husband moves out so he can maintain contact with his son then so be it.

What discussion have you had with your husband about this?

Sounds a very disturbed child. His Father needs to spend a serious amount of time with him to get to the bottom of how he is feeling. Banning him from his Father's house, after being usurped by your children isn't going to help his mental well being.
He was only 5 when you got together with his Dad, a small child.

Thank you so much for your reply he’s in shock at the moment however I’ve told him exactly how I feel and he says he completely understands I just feel so bad for him but as much as I love my husband my kids will always be number one and I have to think of them

Have you seen this OP? Helpful ways of discussing boundaries about pants with children.

Has his school raised any concerns? Is he learning this behaviour from anywhere he shouldn't?

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

Yanbu.
But I would be worries about your stepson. There are flags here that he may have been abused or exposed to thibgs he shouldn’t have. I think you need to have a conversation with school and get the ball rolling with getting him some support from social services/camhs/both.

Well hes had loads of conversations about personal boundaries and how he mustn’t show he’s privates and definitely not let anyone see or touch he’s because of my past I was always sure to explain all this to the children and he’s been sat down the 1st time he was seen and given a really good talk and explain how wrong it is but he’s still doing it and believe I’ve told my husband he needs to get a professional involved and to try and get to the bottom to why he’s doing all this I’ve been saying it for the last two years but I think it’s only this now that’s shook them to actually do something now

You are definitely not overreacting. Your priority is to protect your children. His behaviour is extremely disturbing and risky and he needs professional help.

I wonder if he's being/has been abused himself. Abused children often go on to be abusers themselves.

I strongly recommend that his parents contact the safeguarding team at social services. In the meantime, he cannot stay over at your house, as you need to protect your own children. Don't worry that you're overreacting, I think it's been too long coming as it is.

There are signs he's been abused to me (ex teacher & had a few children with similar behaviour both at school & reported by parents). Who does he spend any time alone with, (adult or older teen),either a relative, babysitter, family friend, mothers partner, anyone at a hobby or club. I'd get his Dad to chat about it again asking if anyone's asked him to keep secrets & some secrets are ok to tell because anything that makes you uncomfortable isn't ok. I'd get professional help & also flag it to the school . His mother's reaction to the incident at their home doesn't seem horrified, or am I reading it wrong. Was she? If not & she smoothed over it that would strike me as odd.(apologies if I got that very wrong)..

Thank you all for your reply’s really appreciate it I’ve sat down with my boys and my stepson and explained all about how no one is ever to touch ask to look or ask you to do it to them I’ve been very clear about that and how no one should ever tell you not to tell your parents and keep secrets but I’m quite frustrated because I’ve recently found out that he was doing nasty things from quite a young age squeezing and pinching his little baby cousins and pushing them over but I wasn’t told this previously I do think his mom is deeply concerned but just doesn’t know what to do I personally would have had him speak to a professional years ago I lost my mother in 2015 Andy oldest son took it really bad and was acting out quite bad like with his temper and I got him help straight away and it turned out he was hurting and so angry and just didn’t know how to express himself and speaking to someone helped him so much so I think they are so good and he’s needed it for a long long time

He does have a lot of sociopath traits ~
~ no empathy
~ no remorse
~ he shows no emotion at all really
~ he’s been hurt my dog in the past
~ he steals and has no real care for any possible repercussions and if he does lose his consoles and tv he genuinely don’t care it’s very strange to see

What an awful situation. You can't let him near your kids again though - they deserve protection from him.

Keep your kids safe OP. Either you move out with the kids or DH moves out to allow contact with his son.

Unfortunately, I have seen this play out where the older child went on to sexually abuse the younger children their father had with a new partner.

Fuck. That. He wouldn't be coming anywhere near my kids, especially one as vulnerable as your DD. That little boy needs some serious help. NOPE.

OP you’re right a professional needs to be involved. Could you have a phone appointment with a specialist counsellor, explain what is happening and ask for advice on next steps?

I wouldn’t let him in the same house as my children unless supervised all of the time ie short visits in the day only.

I feel so bad as it looks like I’m so against this boy when it’s just not the case I have done everything I possibly can to make him feel wanted and loved my husband moved into my home with me so as soon as he did officially move in I put the boys into the biggest bedroom so that my stepson could have his own space and feel like he’s got exactly what my boys have has he only had a pull out bed when he came so I wanted him to not feel any different and my boys shared everything with him and made him welcome but it was never ever enough for him he admitted that he was trying to split me and he’s dad up that was about 2 years ago he also has gone to his stepdads family and told them that he’s stepdad leaves him out and treats him differently then later said he made it up another time he told school he’s not fed and has to take care of himself , and that he’s miserable at home and shoots him self in the face with a nurf gun yet social services came out to his moms house and he’s never been allowed nurf guns and there has definitely not been any in his home there or at mine I got rid of them because 2 years ago he shot a friends son straight in the eye on purpose so I said that I don’t like them they are to dangerous. I just am at my wits end I don’t have a clue what to do or think I honestly don’t think he’s been abused or mistreated but as people have said I just don’t know which is why it’s crucial he’s speaks to someone now no more waiting but as horrible as it is I have to think of my children even if I do lose my husband and my stepson i will be completely devastated but there is no way I’m rolling the dice on my kids safety ever! Thank you all for you advice I honestly appreciate it so much I don’t know if I should report my concerns myself as no one else seems to be and he clearly needs help it might cause so agro but I actually don’t care if it means he’s helped xx

His dad’s a bit of a shit parent, isn’t he?
Surprised that didn’t put you off him, really.

Two years you’ve been telling him that his son needs professional support, and he hasn’t bothered. Why?
And why are you the one having the pants talk, and talking about acceptable behaviour? Why had his dad abdicated something so important? You’ve done a fabulous job picking up the slack - but you should t have had to.

You’re not over reacting. Professional help needed, his dad to step up - and possibly to move out to continue quality contact, if not safe to have it at your house.

Thank goodness you care

He’s mom has also gone through his phone and found that he’s been searching and watching disgusting hardcore porn aswell when asked why he’s said well I know what sex is because school told me and I wanted to see it but I mean he’s watched and seen a lot stuff that no 10 year old should be seeing I was gobsmacked that he could even be able to find it because we have so many blocks on are internet so they can’t get onto anything unless it’s age appropriate but she said that she didn’t think 🤦🏼‍♀️ She said he’s even attempted to try and make Facebook/Snapchat/instagram accounts even when he’s been told many times no that he’s to young he did try lying saying the phone made the accounts itself but this has been the main problem with him for his whole life he honestly lies about absolutely everything even silly stuff

At least his mum is going through his phone, one small thing - though too little too late.
What has his dad done though? Not gone through his phone at all and left it to you to have internet blocks sorted for your house?

I completely get why you are saying that he’s a shit dad based on what I’ve said and believe me I’ve had a go so many times saying you need to get a backbone and do something but I think he’s in such a bad case of denial but trust me he’s been told to wake up and see the reality of the situation because I am so close to saying this is it I can’t live like this I’m doing my best to give all out kids the best life we can he pays a lot of child support and sees his son as much as he can and is brilliant with my kids but when it comes to his son I have no idea what it is but he must just don’t want to except it and is in extreme denial about it all it don’t help though whenever my husband does say something he’s dad has a go at Him saying oh well he’s only a kid he don’t know what he’s doing! Excuse my language what are you fucking kidding me! Really but yeah I’m so close to calling end to everything he knows this because he’s just not doing enough I don’t know what but he won’t confront he’s ex about anything it’s so strange and I’m so scared what he’s gonna be doing in the next few years if nothing changes for him

I had blocks put on my internet as soon as it was put in and have my boys phones connected to mine so whatever the go on or download I know about it and I also have it for my stepson on my husbands phone the phone mentioned above is the phone he has at his moms so my husband has nothing to do with that one.

Your stepson will be describing the hardcore pornography to your boys.
The absolute minimum I would do, is only have him in your house with contact entirely supervised by his father. He should not be out of earshot of him at any time - which may require you to look at sleeping arrangements. You in with your daughter, him on a blow up mattress in with his dad.

Please please do alert the school and even social services - it sounds so much like he's been abused somewhere. You can't let him be around your kids though - it's just not safe.

Nonsense! Of course your husband has something to do with his son’s phone - he’s 10. It doesn’t matter who paid for it - when the boy is with his father, his father checks the phone. Things get past internet blocks. I pay for my child’s phone, but her dad keeps an eye on what she’s doing with it when she at her dad’s house. He really isn’t parenting, is he?

I do feel so guilty writing this on the internet to strangers but my head has honestly just been so shot I’m not sleeping worrying and to be honest I can’t get my head round that they aren’t taking this more seriously but I have decided today weather it makes me very unpopular or not I’m making some phone calls tomorrow it’s been nearly a week now and no one is doing anything if this had happened with my son I would be taking action that day!