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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him about the big red man?

82 replies

HandyGirl76 · 30/11/2020 20:03

My son is 11 and just asked outright if Santa is real. I told him the truth because I felt I shouldn't lie to him but now his heart is broken and he won't stop crying.

I'm absolutely gutted, my husband said we should be honest if he asked as he was worried my son would be teased at school but I wish I hadn't listened. My heart hurts for my sad little boy.

OP posts:
mumonthehill · 01/12/2020 08:35

Honestly the magic does remain, I have just had to send a photo of our advent calendar to ds20 to reassure him that the elves have been and left him a chocolate ready for his return from uni next week!!! Both ds know and have for many many years, however they still love the tradition!

Sorehandsandfeet · 01/12/2020 08:41

At 11, you did the right thing by telling the truth. His peers will mostly know the truth by now. Talk to him about the magic of Christmas, tell him the St. Nicholas story. He will come around eventually. Let him know that he will still have surprises on Christmas morning.

CanICelebrate · 01/12/2020 08:47

My oldest son who has ASD worked out there was no Santa at about 7 or 8 but still played along and enjoyed it.
DS13 asked me earlier this year when he was 12 as he realised he was the only person in his class who believed. He was quite sad but I’ve tried to involve him organising the Santa presents for his little brother who is still a Santa believer.
It’s one of many hard steps as they grow up Flowers

trixiebelden77 · 01/12/2020 08:52

That drivel from FB is one of the shittest things I’ve ever seen.

There are adults in tears from that smug nonsense?

August20 · 01/12/2020 08:56

He is eleven and asked you outright, you were right to tell him.

To be honest I have not encountered many children older than about eight who really, truly believe. Do you remember learning Santa wasn't real and did it spoil Christmas for you forever?

He will be fine and grow to love Christmas again. He is getting old enough to learn the joy of giving rather than receiving as well. I am sure you will have a lovely holiday season together.

Misbeehived · 01/12/2020 08:58

If it helps I never really believed (my much older sister told me aged 3) but continue with Santa as a kind of game well into my teens and still loved all the rituals.

Icecreamsoda99 · 01/12/2020 09:03

I'm not keen on that Facebook post as it's too much about one imagined child's experience but I do like this letter, which can be adapted to any child.

Dear Lucy,
Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: "Are you Santa?"
I know you've wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I've had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.
The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.
I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)

I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the Christmas magic stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.
This won't make you Santa, though.
Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful.
He teaches children how to have belief in something they can't see or touch.

It's a big job, and it's an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents, and in your family.
You'll also need to believe in things you can't measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.
Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he's filled with joy.
With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no, I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I'm on his team, and now you are, too.
I love you and I always will.
Mama

IamMaz · 01/12/2020 09:28

I think he did really well getting to 11 and still believing!

My DS was about 5 when he said 'There isn't really a Father Christmas, is there? It's you isn't it? That's why you ask me to write a list of presents.'

Sigh...

Welcometonowhere · 01/12/2020 09:34

I could be wrong but I think it might be because some adults do go to quite elaborate lengths to prove he does exist.

Mine didn’t. They told me he existed and I think children just create that world themselves then - they don’t need adults to do it for them. I thought planes were his sleigh and I remember thanking mummy and daddy for presents from Santa - yet totally believing they came from Santa - the two simultaneously existed.

I was seven, maybe, when I stopped believing? No big trauma. And still magic because you know, lights and toys and fun!

I do think some over think it.

carlaCox · 01/12/2020 09:36

Agree with PPs that if he's this upset about it then you definitely shouldn't have risked him finding out at school. Don't be hard on yourself - you did the right thing.

nosswith · 01/12/2020 09:37

You may have saved him teasing or bullying at school by telling him the truth.

boredasf · 01/12/2020 10:11

@trixiebelden77

That drivel from FB is one of the shittest things I’ve ever seen.

There are adults in tears from that smug nonsense?

Agree it's super shit.
Simplyunacceptable · 01/12/2020 11:04

My older DC are 8, 9 and 10 and the older two in particular have been asking whether he’s real this year purely because people in their class say he isn’t. I just say of course he is, you believe don’t you? And they do so we leave it at that.

DH says we need to break it to DS after this Christmas though because he doesn’t think he should go to secondary school still believing.

Original poster
HandyGirl76 · 01/12/2020 11:18

Yes Simply, that's what my DH said, that's why I told him.

You've all made a very teary mum feel a bit better, thank you.

It's pathetic I know, I think I'm mourning his lost innocence, I'm not usually a very emotional person...

OP posts:
CorianderQueen · 01/12/2020 12:06

I did this and my mum agreed to pretend for a few more years and I grew out of it with the comfort of all the traditions around me. Although, I wasn't 11. I'm surprised there are kids in high school who think he's real tbh.

It's part of life and managing the disappointment is a good learning moment. He'll soon get over it.

Welcometonowhere · 01/12/2020 12:14

Tbh when kids ask directly I do think it’s a bit off to say yes, he’s real. Especially aged 10.

Avery7 · 01/12/2020 13:15

Being told Santa wasn't real is one my most traumatic childhood memories and definitely contributed towards me being a very angry and bitter atheist in my teens and early 20s.

I don't lie to my DC about Santa, or anything else for that matter. We value honesty in our house. If you lie to them in childhood then you only have yourself to blame when they grow up to be deceitful teenagers.

Icecreamsoda99 · 01/12/2020 13:22

@Avery7 interestingly that's why my very religious friends have never pretended Santa is real!

It's interesting as pp mentioned if it is more upsetting for the child the more you parents created the illusion of Santa being real such as boot and hoof marks on the drive, and also present drops where you pay for a "santa" to come into your house and leave the presents while the family "secretly" watches from the stairs. Confused

updownroundandround · 01/12/2020 13:47

I told my kids when they asked at around 12 yrs old. But I tried to soften it by saying that adults do it to make Christmas a magical time for kids, and now that they knew, they were now old enough to help create the magic for the younger ones by helping choose presents and telling stories etc.

Mine were (in equal parts) very sad that Santa wasn't real, and very proud that they were now old enough to be in the 'adult club' that organised Santa for little ones.

Twiddlet · 01/12/2020 14:27

I was eight when I was told and certainly didn’t cry. I think it’s best he’s been told as if he cries at school over Santa he’s going to look a bit immature. I’m a teacher btw - just saying it as it is.

QueenArseClangers · 01/12/2020 16:02

All of mine asked between the ages of 8 and 9.
They all had the same reaction: a ‘I knew it!’ exclamation and then growing delight at being tasked with keeping the magic alive for their younger siblings.

We have 5DC and only the youngest is left aged 6. I’m sure she’ll follow the same way.

QueenArseClangers · 01/12/2020 16:05

@Simplyunacceptable

My older DC are 8, 9 and 10 and the older two in particular have been asking whether he’s real this year purely because people in their class say he isn’t. I just say of course he is, you believe don’t you? And they do so we leave it at that.

DH says we need to break it to DS after this Christmas though because he doesn’t think he should go to secondary school still believing.

Not being goady but why haven’t you answered the eldest two’s question with the truth? It’s not like they’re 5 year olds.

I really think that when you’re having to go out of your way to fib to older kids about FC it’s not on.
A bit like parents who tell their 10 year olds that ‘if they don’t believe they won’t get any presents’ Hmm

boredasf · 02/12/2020 00:11

Being told Santa wasn't real is one my most traumatic childhood memories and definitely contributed towards me being a very angry and bitter atheist in my teens and early 20s.

Sounds like you had other issues. If it was purely because of Santa then you needed to get a grip.

CharityDingle · 02/12/2020 09:16

'Mourning' is a very strong word, imo.

Yes, it's a bit of a disappointment for the child, but you need to show by example that it's just a new phase. Christmas can still be fun, especially after the horrible year that 2020 has been.
And as has been said, he would be in for a lot of teasing, at school, if he believed in Santa for much longer.

queenMab99 · 02/12/2020 09:41

Granddaughter, aged 4 said one year just before Christmas, "there is no such person as Father Christmas" we asked who had told her that, she replied, " Nobody, I thought about it, and I told myself!"
She is an imaginative teenager now, writes and draws, but is very logical, and down to earth.

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