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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think this is inappropriate ?

34 replies

Insertname123 · 30/11/2020 15:43

It didn't happen to me but say you got back home and you found out that your flatmate (female) had been out for dinner with your boyfriend who had come to meet you, but you were still out, and that they had spent the last couple of hours together talking before you got back ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Insertname123 · 30/11/2020 15:43

Obviously different if they were established friends before you got together or something.

OP posts:
Glitterblue · 30/11/2020 15:47

It would depend on the friendship. I've been out for breakfast with my best friend's husband countless times after the school run and I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my friend went out with DH but they're more like our brother and sister than friends, and we were friends with him for YEARS before knowing her. If it's a situation like that I'd say it's fine, if they don't really know each other then it's a bit weird.

Original poster
Insertname123 · 30/11/2020 15:48

Yeah they were not friends before, they don't know each other really, I just think it's a bit odd.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 15:49

I would think it was weird yeah

Original poster
Insertname123 · 30/11/2020 15:50

Like I can imagine her saying feel free to wait around until she comes home, but him buying her dinner is odd.

OP posts:
IrkedEssex · 30/11/2020 15:51

Going out for dinner - unreasonable
Spending a couple of hours chatting while waiting for you to get back - reasonable on their part, uneasonable on yours for coming back that late unless the boyfriend had turned up on spec

AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 15:52

@Insertname123

Like I can imagine her saying feel free to wait around until she comes home, but him buying her dinner is odd.
So what exactly happened, the g/f wasn't back yet so he asked the flatmate out for dinner? Was the g/f really late? Was she expecting her b/f at that time?
HirplesWithHaggis · 30/11/2020 15:52

What was the boyfriend supposed to do? Go away and come back hours later? Sit in the livingroom and ignore the flatmate and his rumbling belly?

Was he early in arriving, or was the other person late?

Original poster
Insertname123 · 30/11/2020 15:54

I don't know the full circumstances but I would probably have come back later if I could.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 30/11/2020 15:55

Surely it depends entirely on the context?

Was the bf invited? Did you have plans? Were you late home? Did the bf show up early? Are you friends/get on with your flatmate? Does your bf have a key? Etcetc

If the bf was invited and either turned up early/you let him know that you were going to be late home, I dont see the issue with going out for something to eat and chatting with a flatmate while he waited for you. Additionally, if he turned up and doesnt have a key/access to your flat and your flatmate let him in, maybe they weren't comfortable going out and leaving him alone (since he wouldnt be able to secure the flat/get back in of he did go out again etc) so invited him along to get dinner.

If however your bf wasnt invited and turned up when he knew you weren't home or knew that being out would make you late for arrangements you had made together then I think it would be weird to go out with your flatmate

HirplesWithHaggis · 30/11/2020 15:59

Also, was "going out for dinner" a quick Maccy Ds, or a three course sit-down fine dining experience?

gannett · 30/11/2020 16:02

Was BF early turning up or was GF late? Did GF say when she'd be back or was BF just waiting around indefinitely?

Completely normal to get chatting to a flatmate, also normal if BF/flatmate is hungry and suggests popping to a casual local restaurant for food (I'm assuming it wasn't anything fancy). That scenario was far from unusual when I lived in houseshares in my 20s.

I'd expect BF to message GF along the lines of "flatmate and I are popping out for food, come and join us if you're back in time". But then I'd have also expected BF to have already messaged along the lines of "what time will you be back" so I can see, if GF hadn't replied or given any indication when she'd return, why BF and flatmate might just get on with grabbing dinner.

If there's a problem it's poor communication, not "inappropriateness". Same scenario if the BF got chatting to a male flatmate and then they got bored of waiting and went to the pub together.

SpaceOp · 30/11/2020 16:04

Yup, it totally depends on context, relationship between flatmates and between flatmate and boyfriend. BF turning up and also being a regular visitor who flatmate knows and girlfriend being late so the two agree to grab a pizza at local pizza place - fine (especially if they bring back takeout for girlfriend). BF turning up, meeting flatmate for first time, and going out for nice meal that takes 3 hours with 2 bottles of wine, not okay.

gannett · 30/11/2020 16:06

Also when you're in houseshares, BFs/GFs and housemates who like each other make your life much easier. I'd be very happy that they got on with each other! Much better than being stuck in the middle of the opposite.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/11/2020 16:08

No, not inappropriate as it’s not 1820. It was only a couple hours and the boyfriend came to see the girlfriend who unknown to him was still out. It was good of flat mate to host the boyfriend (even if it meant grabbing a bite to eat) as he waited for girlfriend. In fact, by going out into public it was more appropriate than staying in as it makes it clear that boyfriend wasn’t at the flat in bed with flatmate during girlfriends absence. It makes those two hours completely accountable to assure girlfriend nothing is going on.

grassisjeweled · 30/11/2020 16:09

Why was the girlfriend so late home?

movingonup20 · 30/11/2020 16:12

Context is everything, eg he arrived flat mate says come in, he realises his gf is going to be ages and is eating out, he says out of politeness to flat mate that he's going to pop to the local 'spoons for a burger come if you want ... he's a polite man with a decent job and treats mate to a modest meal. This scenario is very different to an expensive restaurant with wine.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/11/2020 16:16

This makes me think of Mike Pence 😂

Nothing wrong with it, in fact the opposite would be rude—if flatmate is going to be really late you hardly leave their bf there to starve and wallow do you? You then later said “buy them dinner”—that’s not in the original scenario. You’re now trying to frame it that two people eating together means a date. It’s turning a McDonalds into the scene from lady and the tramp.

Eating is a normal human thing. Eating with another human is not inherently sexual! I would be so weirded out by anyone who had an issue with this?

If you were the GF though you would expect the BF to have at least texted roughly when they were arriving, so you’d be aware that you would get there at different times. I can understand being a bit weirded out if the BF was there unexpectedly when you came back, you would say why didn’t you say you’d be here and I could have planned accordingly.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/11/2020 16:21

@Insertname123

I don't know the full circumstances but I would probably have come back later if I could.
That would be SO AWKWARD I think I would die if I was the flatmate. Basically getting told that spending a few hours hanging out is worse than sitting in a bus shelter. That is so brutal.

I have been in the flatemate’s situation dozens of times, with my flatmate’s friends, family, bf, etc including some that don’t even speak the same language as me! In all cases have kept them fed and entertained, or if I was unavoidably busy set them up with food and Netflix.

If they left I think I would I would die with embarrassment, and my friend would ask what on earth happened!

Figgyboa · 30/11/2020 16:45

Not inappropriate at all.

Cheeseandwin5 · 30/11/2020 16:48

@PlanDeRaccordement
It makes those two hours completely accountable to assure girlfriend nothing is going on.

I think this is a very good point. if she is jealous about them having dinner imagine what she would have done if they had both waited in the flat.
I don't think its fair or reasonable for some one to come round and to go back home and come back later just cause the GF is out. It show spectacular control and trust issues.
The only concern I would have is if this happened when the bf specifically knew the gf wasn't going to be there.
Otherwise even he did it on the spur of the moment I don't think there is a problem at all.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/11/2020 16:53

Not weird.

Weird if they fucked.

DrDetriment · 30/11/2020 16:54

Not wierd at all. It wouldn't bother me. I'd be pleased they got on.

ThirstyGhost · 30/11/2020 16:57

Not weird at all. I'd be more bothered about leaving a poor flatmate to have to entertain some random bloke due to the shit timekeeping of whoever it is that was so late getting home.

Growapair · 30/11/2020 17:15

Considering the other potential scenarios, I don’t think this is unreasonable. You were hours late, they didn’t even know each other. His choices were to send her away which presumably you didn’t want to happen (how far did she travel)? He could have invited her in and left her sitting on her own for hours. He could have invited her in and tried to make small talk with a stranger for a few hours. Or he could have chosen to make an effort and break the ice with your best mate, on mutual territory so it wouldn’t have been so awkward. Presumably it was around dinner time so they would have got hungry waiting for you anyway. If you trusted your boyfriend and friend then you would see this as a good thing. You obviously don’t trust them tho