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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family heirloom

45 replies

sue531 · 30/11/2020 15:06

I’m just interested in what most people on here think about this situation - family heirloom, which is the grandmother’s engagement ring, given to propose to girlfriend. After a few years I think of marriage the grandson dies and leaves no kids as they were unable to conceive. The wife then keeps the engagement ring rather than pass back to family, sister-in-law would like to have it so it can be kept in the family and passed onto next generation, remember the couple have no kids. But the wife doesn’t want to let the ring go as understandably has memories of late husband.

This is not my life story btw and I’m not the sister-in-law lol! It’s a situation from Netflix drama virgin Rivers where the main character is the widow. I know this is just a programme but it made me feel very uneasy as the sister in law was made out to be a brat and spoilt for asking for the ring back which belonged to her grandmother. The widow was made out to be the heroine and wrongly done by. I personally would have given it back to the family so could have been kept in blood line. What do others think? I obviously don’t care either way as it’s just a tv show but it’s interesting to me how differently people see the same situation.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/11/2020 15:08

I’d say that neither person is in the wrong - the ring has sentimental value for them both, for different reasons.

If this were a real life dilemma, I’d suggest that the widows keeps the ring in her lifetime, and wills it back to her husband’s family upon her death.

Original poster
sue531 · 30/11/2020 15:12

Sorry forgot to add incase you haven’t seen it - The sister in law was about to be married and wanted to wear her grandmothers ring. The SIL has more sentiments towards the grandmother as she grew up with her so has memories of her. The widow to my knowledge never met the grandmother. Her husband died quite young so both still in their 30’s and she’s already seeing another guy called jack so if things went ahead he would probably give her another engagement ring and she roiling wear her husbands

OP posts:
lyralalala · 30/11/2020 15:13

I think to categorically say what you’d do in that situation is daft. Especially over something as personal as an engagement ring. No-one really knows how they’d react in that situation

Original poster
sue531 · 30/11/2020 15:14

I don’t think it’s daft. A lot of us have family heirlooms that we expect to stay within our blood lines! I’ve been given things from my in-laws that I will be passing onto my kids and they will be passing onto their kids.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/11/2020 15:16

It would be nice if it was willed to the original family. But to ask a widow for her dead husband's ring back is dreadful.

TulipsTwoLips · 30/11/2020 15:19

I think we have to accept that we don't have much control over these sort of things. SIL can ask but widow can say no.

Leaannb · 30/11/2020 15:19

@sue531

I don’t think it’s daft. A lot of us have family heirlooms that we expect to stay within our blood lines! I’ve been given things from my in-laws that I will be passing onto my kids and they will be passing onto their kids.
Once you give something away you no longer decide what happens to it. The ring in this instance belongs with the widow. Not the SIL
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 30/11/2020 15:19

The sentimentality of a ring dead husband proposed with trumps the sentimentality of a ring that belonged to grandma IMO. It doesn’t matter if the wife never met the grandma, to her it’s irrelevant that it was the grandmas. So the wife should be able to keep it. It would be nice if she gifted it back to the family in her will.
I’ve never seen the show btw. That’s just what I think

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/11/2020 15:20

The widow should keep the ring. She’s still family even though her husband has died. It would be nice for her to pass it in her will to a nephew or niece in her husband’s family, but not required.
SIL is being a spoilt brat and is snubbing the widow by acting like she is no longer family. That ring is the widows for life.

Leaannb · 30/11/2020 15:21

@sue531

I don’t think it’s daft. A lot of us have family heirlooms that we expect to stay within our blood lines! I’ve been given things from my in-laws that I will be passing onto my kids and they will be passing onto their kids.
Or doing whatever they want with it and throwing it in the trash. Another person's family heirloom is albatross to others. Make sure your kids actually want this stuff before leaving it to them
lyralalala · 30/11/2020 15:23

@sue531

I don’t think it’s daft. A lot of us have family heirlooms that we expect to stay within our blood lines! I’ve been given things from my in-laws that I will be passing onto my kids and they will be passing onto their kids.
Then they shouldn’t be given to a fiancé or wife who isn’t bloodline then...

And it’s absolutely daft to say “if my husband died I’d do x or y” because you don’t know what you’d do or how you’d react. Especially about such a specific item as an engagement ring.

It’s nonsense to suggest a SIL wouldn’t be absolutely in the wrong to ask for her SIL’s engagement ring. “Here, since my brother is dead you don’t need that anymore, give it to me so you can see it on my hand every time we cross paths”. It would be beyond callous.

PlanBea · 30/11/2020 15:48

Once it was given by the brother to the sister in law it became her engagement ring, not grandma's. The granddaughter has no claim to it now. It would be nice for it to be willed back to the family but for the sister to expect it back (essentially because her brother has died and the SIL is now a widow) would make them a CF. What would she have done for an engagement ring if the brother hadn't died? She should do that.

Lightsontbut · 30/11/2020 16:02

SIL was being a brat, there's no two ways about it. Maybe understandable given the grief but still a horrible thing to do to the widow.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 16:06

@MrsTerryPratchett

It would be nice if it was willed to the original family. But to ask a widow for her dead husband's ring back is dreadful.
Yeah this ^ If the grandmother really wanted to be sure the ring stayed in her family she should have gave it to a female relative originally
TheSpottedZebra · 30/11/2020 16:14

Why are there so many inheritance threads at the moment? It's very very odd.

ittakes2 · 30/11/2020 16:24

Her late husband have her the ring - I can’t believe anyone would be so insensitive. The solution is to ask that she passes it back to the family on her death. Sorry but the s’n’law is being grabby - if this poor woman’s husband had not died the s’n’law would not have the ring anyway. Goodness how to kick a widow when she’s down and make her feel like she’s no longer part of the family now her husband is gone. The grandmother gave her ring to her grandson to give to his wife. It’s the wife’s property now end of.

WhoNeedsShoesAnyway · 30/11/2020 16:29

Wierd. I literally watched this episode today!

Chloemol · 30/11/2020 16:32

I suggest you watch the programme again, she gave a very good reason why the grandmother would have been happy for her to have the ring, and let’s not forget the husband had not yet been dead a year

AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 16:33

@Chloemol

I suggest you watch the programme again, she gave a very good reason why the grandmother would have been happy for her to have the ring, and let’s not forget the husband had not yet been dead a year
What was the reason? (just curious)
haircutsRus · 30/11/2020 16:35

In this situation she was widowed, so I'd say it is still hers until her own death. Following her death it would be nice if it was bequeathed back to the family in her will, or if they had divorced, then yes, I'd expect it to be returned.

Original poster
sue531 · 30/11/2020 16:38

I half watch the show when I’m feeding baby so I’m not heavily invested in it but I do remember the ring was actually given to the granddaughter but her brother asked got it when proposing to his girlfriend so I suppose in her eyes it was meant for her. @WhoNeedsShoesAnyway lol! What was your thoughts on watching it today?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 16:40

@sue531

I half watch the show when I’m feeding baby so I’m not heavily invested in it but I do remember the ring was actually given to the granddaughter but her brother asked got it when proposing to his girlfriend so I suppose in her eyes it was meant for her. *@WhoNeedsShoesAnyway* lol! What was your thoughts on watching it today?
Well the granddaughter should have said no when he asked for it originally then, surely?
DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 30/11/2020 16:42

I'd be keeping anything my husband gave me. I would bequeath it to my husband's side in my will to get it back in their family when I'm gone. Simple. Not a chance would I give away my wedding or engagement rings.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 30/11/2020 16:44

Absolutely the widow should keep it.

Hats off for this AIBU by the way, we should do more fictional ones Grin

Original poster
sue531 · 30/11/2020 16:46

@HoldMeCloserTonyDanza yes definitely! I love this show.

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