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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family heirloom

45 replies

sue531 · 30/11/2020 15:06

I’m just interested in what most people on here think about this situation - family heirloom, which is the grandmother’s engagement ring, given to propose to girlfriend. After a few years I think of marriage the grandson dies and leaves no kids as they were unable to conceive. The wife then keeps the engagement ring rather than pass back to family, sister-in-law would like to have it so it can be kept in the family and passed onto next generation, remember the couple have no kids. But the wife doesn’t want to let the ring go as understandably has memories of late husband.

This is not my life story btw and I’m not the sister-in-law lol! It’s a situation from Netflix drama virgin Rivers where the main character is the widow. I know this is just a programme but it made me feel very uneasy as the sister in law was made out to be a brat and spoilt for asking for the ring back which belonged to her grandmother. The widow was made out to be the heroine and wrongly done by. I personally would have given it back to the family so could have been kept in blood line. What do others think? I obviously don’t care either way as it’s just a tv show but it’s interesting to me how differently people see the same situation.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 30/11/2020 16:51

Huh ?

The second it was given to the wife it became hers - to ask for it back because she's unable to have children due to her infertility and DEAD husband is HORRIBLY INSENSITIVE

MrsRandallFraser · 30/11/2020 16:54

I have a family heirloom engagement ring that my brother asked for when he wanted to propose to his then-girlfriend. I said no, as it had been passed to me specifically. They didn't get engaged and broke up soon after.

I know this is a fictional scenario in this case but I am so glad I said no, and can now pass that ring safely down to my own children when the time comes. I dread to think what would've happened to the ring if my brother had given it to his ex, it ended quite badly so I imagine none of us would've ever seen it again.

FangsForTheMemory · 30/11/2020 16:57

The wife keeps it for her lifetime and it then goes back to the husband's family. I've got family jewels that I only consider mine for my lifetime. That's the way it works with heirlooms. There's a novel 'The Eustace Diamonds' about this.

LolaButt · 30/11/2020 17:00

Watched this show too.

As a widow, my view is that asking for an engagement ring is the lowest of the low. Stunned to think OP that you think it could be reasonable to do that to someone.

When your husband or wife dies, all you have left are the memories and a few trinkets. To want to take something which was given to the surviving spouse out of love is just sick.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 17:01

@MrsRandallFraser

That's the sensible thing to do, it's kind of cheeky for someone to ask you for it actually, especially to give it to someone who isn't actually a family member

Original poster

sue531 · 30/11/2020 17:02

@LolaButt if you watched the show you will remember that the ring was given to the SIL but her brother asked for it so technically it belonged to the sister first. Please calm down it’s a fictional sceneries and not a petition to get the ring

OP posts:

Original poster

sue531 · 30/11/2020 17:02

*scenario

OP posts:

LolaButt · 30/11/2020 17:05

Yes the scenario is fictional. But I’m telling you my view as someone who is widowed. My view is that your take on it is unreasonable.

Sorry that you dislike a view based on personal experience. Glad that your only experience of being widowed is through Netflix.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 30/11/2020 17:06

I don’t think it’s daft. A lot of us have family heirlooms that we expect to stay within our blood lines!

Then you keep them in your bloodlines!

You actually think its ok to go to a grieving widow and say "hey, you know the engagement ring your dead husband gave you? Well we want it back now he's snuffed it, you're not our family and its for our bloodline only".

It might be fiction but you posted it here....and there is actually something wrong with you. Eugh, people are vile.

Floralnomad · 30/11/2020 17:09

I’d never seen the show but the widow was given the ring and IMO gets to keep it with absolutely no guilt at all . It’s a pity that they don’t consider the grandsons widow part of the family .

Original poster

sue531 · 30/11/2020 17:10

Oh my God! This was supposed to be a light discussion of a drama. You’re not the only one to have suffered loss and trauma and heartache. You know nothing of my life and I am sorry for you’re loss btw but don’t judge me!

Gosh only on mumsnet this happens. I dread to think if I had commented on other programmes I watched! Time to stop reading now I think.... thanks for responses everyone

OP posts:

Original poster

sue531 · 30/11/2020 17:12

It might be fiction but you posted it here....and there is actually something wrong with you. Eugh, people are vile.

Lol!! You’re so funny! Glad I read that before logging out.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 17:14

@sue531

Gosh only on mumsnet this happens. I dread to think if I had commented on other programmes I watched! Time to stop reading now I think.... thanks for responses everyone

Don't mind them, it was an interesting topic I thought

gingercat02 · 30/11/2020 17:15

My SiL has my Gran' s ring as her engagement ring. They have no children (by choice) she has 1 neice on her side of the family but I hope she will leave it to my son and keep in our family. I have never even said this out loud and probably never will. The ring is hers to do with as she chooses

SarahBellam · 30/11/2020 17:17

The widow owns the ring. She was given it as a gift. It’s legally hers regardless of the sentiment/post DH death relationships/family wishes. If the SIL is so desperate for it she can make her an offer.

diddl · 30/11/2020 17:28

It's still her engagement ring-why would she pass it back?

Of course the SIL is a brat for asking for someone else's engagement ring!

Wynturphelle · 30/11/2020 17:28

My grandmother wanted me to have her rings when she died. My parents decided that as I have only sons they passed to my sister (who has only daughters) so that they wouldn't go out of the family. Not sure what happens if my nieces only have sons?! The same happened with my maternal grandmother's jewellery and the same will happen with my mother's jewellery. To be honest, I am quite relieved I have nothing to be responsible for!

The widow should keep the ring.

Shookspeared · 30/11/2020 21:06

SPOILERS...........!!

No, not exactly award winning TV drama, but I was enjoying watching it without knowing what was going to happen. You could have just said "a tv show" and we'd have been none the wiser.

RattleOfBars · 30/11/2020 21:34

I think the widow should keep the ring, it was a gift from her late husband so legally it’s hers. It will have sentimental value to her even if she chooses not to wear it. She may have a child with her new partner and eventually pass the ring on to her own child.

I think it’s very unfair that another family member now wants the ring for herself, as she’s getting married. If she’d been so close to her grandmother why was the ring given to the other grandchild?

Nottherealslimshady · 30/11/2020 22:00

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I’d say that neither person is in the wrong - the ring has sentimental value for them both, for different reasons.

If this were a real life dilemma, I’d suggest that the widows keeps the ring in her lifetime, and wills it back to her husband’s family upon her death.

I agree with this.

It's a tough situation but it's her engagement ring and it's not like they split up, her husband died.

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