Reasonable to want to keep a more distanced relationship?

[MyMyOhMy]

With my partner's children?

When I say distanced I mean not wanting to be a parent. Is this reasonable? I don't want to be overly involved in parenting. I'm much happier when I keep a more distanced, friendly adult type relationship with them.

My partner can be quite stifling with it. Wanting me to be around all the time, not wanting me to make my own plans when they are here, suggesting I go to school plays etc... (Obviously not this year). It's like everything is 'our' responsibility.

I'd be quite happy to leave his contact time to him personally and do my own thing. I don't mind at all that his children are here, we get on, but I just don't want to be overly involved in it, in fact, I like the excuse to just have time to myself and do what I want to do.

Is it ever possible to be a step 'parent' but not actually parent and just keep to being a friendly person in their lives that they get along with but with not much more involvement than that?

Yanbu...i have a step dd and i let dp have his time with her. I then do what I want.

Well yes he should parent his own children in the day to day stuff but I think its important to find a middle ground like playing board games together or some other family activity, to show some interest in the children and their lives

@Waveysnail

Well yes he should parent his own children in the day to day stuff but I think its important to find a middle ground like playing board games together or some other family activity, to show some interest in the children and their lives

We do occasionally. I'm obviously not out of the house from the second they arrive to the time they leave. We eat together and sometimes watch movies/play games in the evenings.

Most of the time, I'll go out during the day though to see family, walk my dog, friends etc... Or maybe take a long bath, do my hobby etc... Most of the time they are here I leave them to it, not all, but the majority.

It just gets me thinking, like yesterday he was saying we need to start thinking about what we will get the children for Christmas. And I just don't know, I usually always buy them some stuff myself from 'us' but I just want to leave the main stuff to him to sort out tbh.

I have friends who are with people with DC who are super involved, doing school runs etc..., essentially like 3rd parents and I just think god I would absolutely hate that. I know my partner would prefer me to be like that though.

Prepare to get flamed op.... opens popcorn......

Oh dear God the Christmas present thing - is he serious? Why do you need to think about it? Other than if you want to get them a gift from you? I think he is trying to get you more involved so that he has to do less. His kids - his responsibility.

I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 3 - his kids are still not my responsibility and I largely keep out of the way when they're here apart from meal times.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think the only issue is the disparity between his expectation and what you'd prefer to do.

I don’t think YABU, and I think if anyone flames you for this they’re likely to be the same people who would yell ‘they’re not your children so mind your own business’ if you had any issues with them.
They have 2 parents. As long as you’re friendly then I don’t see any problems with maintaining a bit of distance.
I suspect the reason your partner would like you to be more involved is because it would reduce his workload...

I’d be exactly like you OP tbh. YANBU.

I’d say the weekends that they’re with you, if you can try and carve out say 1 afternoon/ evening with them. So say from 3pm until they go to bed, just so you’re building some sort of relationship with them, as I guess when they’re older, say 18+ and you’re able to actually have a laugh with them and treat them like an adult (not that they’d be going to you every weekend then but at least at times like Christmas you’d all be more comfortable because they know you) then the rest of the times I don’t see the harm at all in buggering off and doing your own thing.

Not being funny but life with other people’s children in large doses is bloody dull, even more so atm because you’re stuck in the house not able to do anything. At least if you can go out for the day, zoo, theme park, even just lunch and to the cinema it helps break the tedium of sitting about the house and gives you all a shared experience etc

It's fine. In fact I would go as far as to say it is better and healthier for all if you are not always there when they are.

It means that the children get time with just their dad, you get to maintain your life and you won't end up doing the drudge-work of parenting.

The cynic in me thinks that your partner wants you there as deep-down he sees childcare as women's work and resents having to do it all when you're not there.

How old are they? Will you be holidaying together? Or going out for a meal? It could be a bit awkward if you're just a passing acquaintance...

It's a hard balance to find. The ones who think they're a third parent make me cringe. But you sound quite extreme in the other direction.

I think yabu. It sounds like you don't want any part in the big stuff. What's the issue going to school plays, deciding on gifts etc. Yes you can do your own stuff occasionally but it seems like you just want to be 2 separate units.
How old are the kids?,

I think the only problem here is the difference in your and his expectations. It seems slightly mad that you both went into this with such different ideas.

@GabriellaMontez

How old are they? Will you be holidaying together? Or going out for a meal? It could be a bit awkward if you're just a passing acquaintance...

It's a hard balance to find. The ones who think they're a third parent make me cringe. But you sound quite extreme in the other direction.

I wouldn't call myself a passing acquaintance. We get on well and have a laugh when we're together. Not this year but years passed we have holidayed together, days out to zoo or whatever and so on. This is mainly just the day to day when we don't have plans together type times.

And as for not getting involved in the 'big stuff' like school plays... Because I just find it a bit... Awkward? I don't really want to sit there with him and his ex pretending to be their parent. I get on okay with this ex actually but I suspect it's probably because I've never muscled my way into stuff like this. I guess if the kids asked me to I would for them but otherwise I just see that sort of stuff as their parents gig I guess 🤷

I’d say the weekends that they’re with you, if you can try and carve out say 1 afternoon/ evening with them

Tbf I would say that we do this anyway. 9 times out of 10, we spend at least a couple of hours all doing the same thing, having dinner together then watching some TV / playing a game. It's mainly the day time or earlier afternoon that I take the opportunity to do other things.

This sounds like the ideal way for you to play it to me. I think you should be a bit more explicit about it to your partner though - gently pull him up on things like “what we’re getting the kids for Christmas”. I certainly wouldn’t stand for him not wanting you to make your own plans when they’re there. You didn’t choose to have the children and you shouldn’t be curtailed by them as if you did.

he definitely wants you more involved so he can offload some of the work.

So have you been together for years and live together? I think it is great that you are keeping your own space but I can see why your partner is expecting more from you as I think most women would be more involved.

And it sounds like you are a nice person for them to be around when you are there.

However, I do think it is fantastic that you are forcing him to parent his own children and do all the thinking, planning, caring etc. Keep going. He must realise that you are never going to turn into Mary Poppins?

It's awful but I would get a secret satisfaction from watching him realise he has to look after his own children - the children that he decided to have but who are not his partner's responsibility!

If the relationship is going to last you need to invest in your relationship with your stepchildren. If you cannot then you are best letting it go with your partner.
I see being a step parent as a privilege. Although I am not the child's mother, I spend as much time with them as their own mum does and I know I have a strong role to play in their upbringing. It's not for everyone so better to be upfront about it now.

Not unreasonable. If you check out the nacho parenting groups on fb you'll find lots of like minded people.

You're not being unreasonable, but at the same time I think it'd be a bit odd to let your husband go to school plays on his own if you would have been free to go.

I mean, school events are painful enough when it's your own kids, even more so when they're not - but I always went to DSS's school things with DP out of support for him.

I mean, school events are painful enough when it's your own kids, even more so when they're not - but I always went to DSS's school things with DP out of support for him

Why would he need support at a school play)l?

@WeCanFlyHigher

I mean, school events are painful enough when it's your own kids, even more so when they're not - but I always went to DSS's school things with DP out of support for him

Why would he need support at a school play)l?

Because it's nice to have someone to sit with, rather than sitting there on your own.

Each to their own, we don't need to debate it, it's just that I wouldn't personally let me DP go to something like that on his own if my alternative activity was sitting at home.

Not a criticism, just my own view on it.

Perfectly reasonable.
He's not your husband.
You are not their step mother.

Obviously he has a problem if he wants to offload childcare, feedimg, responsibilities, women's work like present buying etc. on you, but that is HIS problem.

I think it sounds like you spend plenty of time with them.

Emphasis that you firmly believe that it is very important he spends one on one time with them.

Don't be guilted by him.

I think far too many men get together with women because they are quite happy to offload as much childcare as possible.

@MiaMarshmallows

If the relationship is going to last you need to invest in your relationship with your stepchildren. If you cannot then you are best letting it go with your partner. I see being a step parent as a privilege. Although I am not the child's mother, I spend as much time with them as their own mum does and I know I have a strong role to play in their upbringing. It's not for everyone so better to be upfront about it now.

I don't think this would work in my dynamic @MiaMarshmallows and I think it is unfair to suggest the OP has to either behave like you and try and be a third parent or leave her partner. Not every step-parenting situation has to be like yours.

I don't think DSDs mum or the DSDs would want me to play a strong role in their upbringing. We all prefer me to be more like a fun auntie which suits us all fine.