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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reasonable to want to keep a more distanced relationship?

47 replies

MyMyOhMy · 30/11/2020 11:10

With my partner's children?

When I say distanced I mean not wanting to be a parent. Is this reasonable? I don't want to be overly involved in parenting. I'm much happier when I keep a more distanced, friendly adult type relationship with them.

My partner can be quite stifling with it. Wanting me to be around all the time, not wanting me to make my own plans when they are here, suggesting I go to school plays etc... (Obviously not this year). It's like everything is 'our' responsibility.

I'd be quite happy to leave his contact time to him personally and do my own thing. I don't mind at all that his children are here, we get on, but I just don't want to be overly involved in it, in fact, I like the excuse to just have time to myself and do what I want to do.

Is it ever possible to be a step 'parent' but not actually parent and just keep to being a friendly person in their lives that they get along with but with not much more involvement than that?

OP posts:

MiaMarshmallows · 30/11/2020 13:07

For people saying 'Well, he is not her husband.' Not yet but soon as in my case, she may well be. Is OP going to continue to keep a distance then?

WeCanFlyHigher · 30/11/2020 13:09

@MiaMarshmallows

For people saying 'Well, he is not her husband.' Not yet but soon as in my case, she may well be. Is OP going to continue to keep a distance then?

Why not? She’s not the children’s mother, they already have one of those.

PigsInHeaven · 30/11/2020 13:14

@AryaStarkWolf

he definitely wants you more involved so he can offload some of the work.

That's how it seems to me. I can honestly say that some of the most successful step-parenting situations I've come across have been when stepmothers maintain a relationship that in no way approximates a maternal one with their stepchildren, but which instead is more 'friendly adult'.

The issue here is that the OP's husband seems to want her to take on 'wifework' in relation to his children.

thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2020 13:19

I don't think YABU at all and certainly the thing with presents and the school play sounds like overkill.

I think, though, that if you've been together a long time it might be reasonable to sit down and clarify how you see your respective roles wrt the children.

Do you see yourself as a step-parent? Or as simply the partner of a parent. Both are reasonable positions to take and you have every right to do both but I think if someone wants to share a life with you they may get to a point where they want to feel you have a degree of buy-in as a step parent.

Worth having this conversation.

knittingaddict · 30/11/2020 13:20

@toomuchpeppapig

Prepare to get flamed op.... opens popcorn......

I don't know. She might get the odd negative post, but the op seems very reasonable and I think most can see through it to another man who doesn't want to parent his own children when they are with him. There have been enough threads like this in the past.

billy1966 · 30/11/2020 13:35

I think it's perfectly reasonable to adopt the role as friendly adult in a step mother position.

I think if more women were like the OP, they wouldn't find themselves, without being consulted, subsumed into the role as skivvy stepmother by a man who is determined to do as little parenting as he can get away with.

Any woman getting involved with a man with children, would be well advised on day one, to watch closely how much he does for his children on a day to day basis.

Too many women jump in too quickly to be the helper, and lo and behold they then become primary carer when the children are with their father!

MiaMarshmallows · 30/11/2020 15:15

Yes but OP may be spending just as much time with the child and to keep a 'distant ' role to the child could be very detrimental.
OP is not a mum but a stepmother has a very important role which should not be underestimated.

JaniceSopranoJr · 30/11/2020 16:04

I think it's absolutely fine to keep yourself fairly separate.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was expecting to shift some of the wifework into you, since you're a WOMAN and all.

TurquoiseDragon · 30/11/2020 16:21

@MiaMarshmallows

Yes but OP may be spending just as much time with the child and to keep a 'distant ' role to the child could be very detrimental. OP is not a mum but a stepmother has a very important role which should not be underestimated.

You're just trying to justify your full on role.

People are all different, and what works in one situation doesn't always work in another.

OP is like a friendly auntie, she has no need to be more involved. And in this case, being distant is beneficial for the DC, as it forces their Dad to give them his attention.

I've seen too many situations, and read too many threads on here, where the dads are shifting their responsibilities on the stepmum. And contact time is so the DC can have a relationship with their dad not stepmum.

OP is spending time with the DC, just not all the time.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 16:26

The issue here is that the OP's husband seems to want her to take on 'wifework' in relation to his children.

Yes exactly, from what the Op has said, the children already have a mother and there is no animosity there between them, she's not trying to step on anyone's toes, the children aren't confused. The only one with the issue is her DP and you would have to wonder why? (and I think you and I have already answered that mystery :p )

MiaMarshmallows · 30/11/2020 17:14

I don't think a lot of stepmums would agree with the statement of 'The kids only come to spend time with their dad.' We count ourselves as a family. I know I am not the mother but I am still a part of the family. Obviously none of the big decisions such as schooling, medical care etc are my decision but I am not just 'there.' There is also a deep attachment and love like there is for many stepparents and step kids.
I think it is up to each invidual but personally I know that I would want my DP to love my kid and feel a big part of their life as I do with his. Maybe others prefer it differently but I feel very sorry for the kids in that situation.

LuaDipa · 30/11/2020 18:24

I think that’s a lovely way to play it op. You are allowing your dp lots of time with his dc. I think many dc would prefer to have an abundance of quality time with their actual parent without the new partner interfering. Sometimes kids don’t want to be slotted into a new family that wasn’t of their choosing.

You see them in the evening after they have had their day together, and you are kind and friendly. I think that is a nice balance. He is perfectly capable of parenting his own dc and I think he has a bit of a cheek to expect so much tbh.

missrks · 30/11/2020 18:29

This is exactly how my DP is with my son! I love it. There is no rule book!

20shadesofgreen · 30/11/2020 18:32

Depending on the kids ages that sounds fine maybe even for the best. Caveat I am not a step parent and the only thing I know about step parenting is that is sounds really, really hard. My opinion though is that any step parent who does not impede or interfere with the actual parent of the children, parenting and then finds a good balance in their own relationship with the children, sounds like a really good one.

What seems to happen a lot on here is that the step parent, through circumstances mostly not remotely of their own making, gets pulled into a much more hands on full parenting role and it starts to make things tricky for everyone involved.

knittingaddict · 30/11/2020 18:35

@MiaMarshmallows

I don't think a lot of stepmums would agree with the statement of 'The kids only come to spend time with their dad.' We count ourselves as a family. I know I am not the mother but I am still a part of the family. Obviously none of the big decisions such as schooling, medical care etc are my decision but I am not just 'there.' There is also a deep attachment and love like there is for many stepparents and step kids. I think it is up to each invidual but personally I know that I would want my DP to love my kid and feel a big part of their life as I do with his. Maybe others prefer it differently but I feel very sorry for the kids in that situation.

You sound incredibly patronising in your post. I don't think children need pity if they have a loving and attentive mum and dad in their lives. Step parents are there to fill the gaps in their partners parenting, however that seems to be the norm if the threads on here are anything to be believed.

For your info, I have no bad experiences of step parenting, either as a parent or as a child. I'm neutral on the subject, but the op sounds like she has a sensible head on her shoulders and isn't doing anything to damage her partners children. She also isn't a step parent. She has nothing to feel bad about.

knittingaddict · 30/11/2020 18:37

Sorry, I meant to say "Step parents aren't there".

blubberball · 30/11/2020 19:00

Sounds good really. Stick to what you're doing. They have their mum and dad, so it's nice for you and them to have a little space. I think it's important to show that you care, which you clearly do. Let him crack on with the dad/parenting stuff.

Brieminewine · 30/11/2020 19:04

Sounds like the perfect balance OP. They’re your partners children and are there to see him not you. If you did ever split up you would have no rights to see them, so it makes sense to not get too attached.

Theres plenty threads on here with over involved step mums complaining about the child’s mum so it’s easy to see why you have a good relationship with their mum!

puttergal · 30/11/2020 19:32

Sound really sensible.
You get you time.
Your dp has to parent his own children and not palm them off on you.
They will be really happy about this, especially in the long-run.

FredtheFerret · 30/11/2020 19:46

I think it sounds fine.

My ex re-married and when our DC went to stay they would have hated this My partner can be quite stifling with it. Wanting me to be around all the time, not wanting me to make my own plans when they are here, suggesting I go to school plays etc

They quite liked their Step-Mother who was pleasant and good with them - but they definitely preferred to spend time alone with their father because it was him they'd gone to see.

They wouldn't have got on so well if she'd insisted on being a second mother to them and a constant presence every single minute of the time they spend at their dad's house. Fortunately she behaved much more like you.

VeniceQueen2004 · 30/11/2020 20:09

I think you have very different ideas of what being a good step-parent of young kids ought to look like it. FWIW I'm more on your husband's side (I think if you take up with someone with young kidsa you should do so with an openness to assume some responsibility for them) but your own view is perfectly acceptable to many and would be welcomed by some partners with kids from previous relationships (and certainly by their co-parent ex partners!)

So possibly you need to find a man who expects what you're willing to give to his children. Or even better, a man without any children at all so the issue doesn't arise?

I never understand why people who don't want to be involved with other people's kids don't take up with any of the millions of people out there who don't already have them!

billy1966 · 30/11/2020 20:35

It always amazes me the expectations that are lumped on women by women, that would NEVER be placed anywhere near a man.

If a man was spending a similar amount of time/interest with his OH's child, he would be lauded as very reasonable and kind.

He certainly wouldn't be heaped with the judgement and expectations that the OP is being patronised with.

OP, you sound extremely reasonable and sensible to my mind.

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