To insist DP goes back to the office

[Islandislandisland]

For context, DP has been furloughed from March-September with some working at home weeks. During this time I was working from home then gave birth to our first baby in August. DP returned to the office full time in October which was a massive relief, I got into more of a routine with the baby and life felt more normal, we had some space from each other and got on better. However, when second lockdown commenced, back he came with his computer and 2 monitors to take over the dining table once more. I won't say what he does for a job but he's been making the same phone call over and over again for at least half the day, every day and it is driving me insane. He has a very loud phone voice. Our house isn't small but has an open plan kitchen/diner/living room. I have asked him to work upstairs but he's said this isn't possible. Granted he would need to sort out a table/desk and longer internet cable but I suspect his refusal is mainly because he can't be bothered and doesn't see the issue. Due to lockdown the only place I can go out to is my mum half an hour away (support bubble) or for a walk. So I'm spending most of the day upstairs in our bedroom with the baby. He has said I don't need to change anything like be quieter or not have the tv on if I'm downstairs but I'm constantly aware he's sat there trying to work and I feel really constrained all the time. Our relationship is suffering partly because I never have any time away from him and we have nothing to say to each other because we're always together, plus the added strain of first baby. I feel like I'm suffocating slowly and my quality of life is shit. I was hoping he'd be called back to the office post lockdown but he hasn't been. We are in a tier 2 area but with very low cases. I have explained how I feel to him and he has reluctantly arranged to return to the office and be the only one there. However, I can see this being thrown in my face at a later date so I asked him if he was sure it was ok. He said he was annoyed at having to get up earlier and spend money on petrol but would do it. I feel really guilty for inconveniencing him but I can't go on like this with no real end in sight. AIBU by sticking to my guns on this? Part of me feels like I should just suck it up but I can't see how I can go on like this. I did suggest maybe he could just do half the week in the office but he doesn't want to have to bring all his equipment back and forth.

[AlternativePerspective]

I think YABU although I understand how you feel.

Fact is that people have very much been told to work from home if they can. he can so he should.

You say it would just be him in the office, but imagine if everyone’s partner had that attitude, the office would be full again.

You want him to work upstairs, so facilitate his doing that. Get the cable and desk or whatever he needs and say that now he can work upstairs.

Fact is that working from home is very much going to become the norm in a lot of jobs, and if it’s a job where it’s been shown that the person is delivering the same service from home then employers will have grounds to tell employees that they will be working from home from now on.

I was talking to my eXH the other day and he said that it’s looking unlikely any of the people in his office will be returning to the office full-time ever. He’s been wfh since March although he does have an office upstairs as far as I’m aware but still.

I think that rather than insisting people go back to the office, people are going to start accepting that wfh is now the done thing.

[MinnieMountain]

Plenty of people have sorted out home offices for themselves since this started. I fail to see why he can’t.

[Oysterbabe]

I'm permanently WFH now and have set up an office upstairs. He needs to do the same.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I managed two weeks at the end of March working from the dining table before I realised that, for the good of us all, I needed somewhere separate to work. Desk arrived within t the week and I've had an office set up in the spare bedroom since.

Sometimes on a Friday I work from the living room but only if everyone else is out of the house.

[MrsJBaptiste]

he doesn't have a desk so I suggested he use an old table from the garage... he said it's all dirty so I suggested he clean it and/or put a table cloth on it but he then announced he would go back to the office

Tell him not all of us have lovely offices in to work from home - he won't be the only one with a different setup to what he'd prefer.

I've got an old camping table in the corner of our (admittedly decent-sized) kitchen with my chair from work. It looks rubbish but does the job. I'd love to be back in the office, I haven't set foot there since March and it will be at least March/April before it's even considered for staff to return

[NoSleepInTheHeat]

The fact that you are staying in the bedroom is passive aggressive IMO, he said you could use the downstairs space, why be a martyr?

I agree, he should move his office space upstairs, but maybe help him set it up? A bit unfair to leave it all to him when you are the one asking him to move. I reckon it will take 15-20min if you do it together.

[Taswama]

Yanbu.
I used to love wfh once a week and having the house to myself.
Him going in 2 or 3 days sounds like a good compromise.

[Meowchickameowmeow]

If he moved upstairs would you still find some reason to be annoyed at his presence?
I'm quite dismayed by the number of women who think the home is only their domain, he lives there too he's entitled to be in that space, to enjoy it and to work there if he needs to.
I can't imagine I'd be anything but upset if I knew my husband was actively trying to get me out of the house.

[Hopoindown31]

If there is space for a work station upstairs then that is where he should be rather than in a communal area. I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect an able-bodied adult to do this by themselves. I didn't need any support setting up my home office in March.

[Saracen]

Wow, it's only a 15 minute commute?? That's nothing! And he would be the only person in his office? That sounds ideal TBH.

I was inclined to push the idea of the home office upstairs until you mentioned he works so near. No need for him to be at home.

[timeisnotaline]

I wouldn’t clean a table for him, it’s his choice! I would 1000% let baby roam though, he can’t be more than a month or two away having baby crawl up, tug at his leg and scream for attention. You said he doesn’t think things are problems if they don’t bother him- the odd day he chooses to work from home id absolutely live my normal life.
I’m not very subtle, my dh had to work from home with me for a while and we share a two sided desk, he was under no illusions how I felt about him going back to work! I would mime gagging and shoot me and cutting my throat while he made annoying calls 6 feet away. I’m very mature.

[Hardbackwriter]

@Meowchickameowmeow

If he moved upstairs would you still find some reason to be annoyed at his presence?
I'm quite dismayed by the number of women who think the home is only their domain, he lives there too he's entitled to be in that space, to enjoy it and to work there if he needs to.
I can't imagine I'd be anything but upset if I knew my husband was actively trying to get me out of the house.

I think that's really unfair. Having someone there - in the middle of the house! - working is very different to having their company in general, and not liking them being there working doesn't mean you dislike them being there in general. I know DH would much rather I wasn't there on his non working day as having me around restricts what he can do with our toddler and also changes the dynamic (it means DS wants me, which he wouldn't do if I weren't present). I actually asked to go back to the office on that day and was turned down, which we were both a bit disappointed by. But not wanting me there working while he's doing childcare isn't at all like not wanting me around at all or like if he just sent me out on a random Saturday!

It's also such a different dynamic with very little children - before we had DS I used to work in the evenings at home a lot, and I still do that sometimes now when DS is in bed, and that's always been fine - it's specifically trying to combine childcare with not disturbing someone who's working that's hard.

[PTW1234]

The official guideline is wfh where you can.

My workplace, even though it spent a fortune to become covid secure, will not allow anyone to work in the office until Boris says people should start going back.

I actually prefer working downstairs as it’s warmer, better lit, and nearer the kettle Being stuck in my spare room all day sucks as it’s dark and all I can see out the window are tree branches.

However I do work from up here as I have 2 monitors and would get in the way of everyone.

He needs to go upstairs

[Hardbackwriter]

I'm also astonished at how many people are saying that OP should do the work of setting up an office upstairs on his behalf - he's an adult, he could and should sort it out himself!

[Ratatcat]

You ideally need a workspace as far away from everyone as possible. We’ve found it hard when both of us have been wfh (but no-where near as hard as wfh and kids). The children need some space to be noisy. It’s never going to work if you’re trying to keep the baby quiet. We’ve just built office space and I can’t wait to use it but we’re still trying to work out if we can both work in there at once or whether we have to fight for the space each morning. Wfh is likely here to stay so he is being a bit silly to not want to set the bedroom up so he can manage office and home in the future.

[MinnieMountain]

I have to go to my office once a week I made myself a corner in DH’s home office for the other days. It’s not hard.

[Abouttimemum]

I work from the dining room table because I don’t have any other choice, and did for months while DH was at home as the sole carer of DS aged 1 until September.
I still do but they are at work and nursery now. I shut the door and they had the run of the house. He fed DS in with me though as that’s where the high chair is.

I think he needs to find a room with a door on so he can shut himself away.

[NurseButtercup]

I think you should encourage him to set up in the box room or the spare bedroom. Have a look at this:

grillo-designs.com/man-cave-office-reveal/

[ktp100]

Working from home isn't about you though is it. It's about staying away from people and not catching C19. We've had 3 people in our place of work die from C19. Id prefer to work from home and piss my partner off rather than gambling with my health

This!!

YANBU to be stressed & Pissed off but YABU to expect him to take more risks for you.

[JanewaysBun]

Going against the grain here but think yabu.
He isn't asking you to be quiet or stay out if the way etc is this correct? He probably likes watching you and his child as he works, I know my DH really cherishes being able to be around the DC even if he's working.

Carry on as you normally would - cooking/playing etc the house belongs to both of you!

[greendress789]

@ivfbeenbusy

I think YABU personally although granted there is some compromising to do - either convert a spare room or do a couple of days in the office.
I don't see why he should commute in there 5 days a week

I agree

[Islandislandisland]

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz well I've just tried as you suggested and he told me that I didn't offer him to work upstairs and he's arranged to go to the office which is now all my fault for apparently not telling him he could work upstairs before, despite us having had a whole conversation about what furniture he could potentially use. I said that was fine but his choice. He reckons I deliberately waited until he'd arranged office working before mentioning upstairs being an option, which is not true. For once I thought I would stand up for myself and said I wasn't going to be blamed for the fact he couldn't be bothered to sort out a space out of the living area and he called me a cunt and slammed off into the garden. So actually the solution might be just to leave him so I don't have to put up with being sworn at and gaslit. Fortunately we aren't married.

[SillyOldMummy]

Yanbu, he is being selfish. For his own sake, he needs to go upstairs and work. His IT department should be able to procure /lend him a longer Internet cable.

My DH's WFH arrangements are now expected to be PERMANENT. At least he is in a separate room with a door, thank goodness, but the sound carries and he is often on the phone most of each day.

Believe me it will get worse not better! As soon as your baby is mobile, you can't be trapped upstairs, that's absurd.

My nearly 2 year old is not stupid - he knows where Daddy is so for SIX MONTHS I've had to tell him he cannot go in the study - this is upsetting for a small child.

DH gets disturbed when our nearly-2 year old cries or shouts and believe me it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep a toddler quiet on a cold rainy winter's day. It has really impacted on my parenting eg I have not been "allowed" to sleep train for naps as any crying upsets my DH's concentration.

It is much better to have at least SOME days in the office each week (five sounds like a good number to me...).

[TheDowagerDuchess]

He has to either go in to the office or sort out a space to work upstairs. He can’t take over the whole downstairs when you’ve got a baby, that’s ridiculous.

If he’s worried about getting up earlier and spending the money he just needs to sort out the upstairs space!