To insist DP goes back to the office

[Islandislandisland]

For context, DP has been furloughed from March-September with some working at home weeks. During this time I was working from home then gave birth to our first baby in August. DP returned to the office full time in October which was a massive relief, I got into more of a routine with the baby and life felt more normal, we had some space from each other and got on better. However, when second lockdown commenced, back he came with his computer and 2 monitors to take over the dining table once more. I won't say what he does for a job but he's been making the same phone call over and over again for at least half the day, every day and it is driving me insane. He has a very loud phone voice. Our house isn't small but has an open plan kitchen/diner/living room. I have asked him to work upstairs but he's said this isn't possible. Granted he would need to sort out a table/desk and longer internet cable but I suspect his refusal is mainly because he can't be bothered and doesn't see the issue. Due to lockdown the only place I can go out to is my mum half an hour away (support bubble) or for a walk. So I'm spending most of the day upstairs in our bedroom with the baby. He has said I don't need to change anything like be quieter or not have the tv on if I'm downstairs but I'm constantly aware he's sat there trying to work and I feel really constrained all the time. Our relationship is suffering partly because I never have any time away from him and we have nothing to say to each other because we're always together, plus the added strain of first baby. I feel like I'm suffocating slowly and my quality of life is shit. I was hoping he'd be called back to the office post lockdown but he hasn't been. We are in a tier 2 area but with very low cases. I have explained how I feel to him and he has reluctantly arranged to return to the office and be the only one there. However, I can see this being thrown in my face at a later date so I asked him if he was sure it was ok. He said he was annoyed at having to get up earlier and spend money on petrol but would do it. I feel really guilty for inconveniencing him but I can't go on like this with no real end in sight. AIBU by sticking to my guns on this? Part of me feels like I should just suck it up but I can't see how I can go on like this. I did suggest maybe he could just do half the week in the office but he doesn't want to have to bring all his equipment back and forth.

[Islandislandisland]

Yes I've said he needs to either go upstairs or to the office at least for some of the week and he made vague comments about buying another internet cable then said he doesn't have a desk so I suggested he use an old table from the garage..he said it's all dirty so I suggested he clean it and/or put a table cloth on it but he then announced he would go back to the office. I don't think I've been unreasonable in trying to help find a way around it but you can only lead a horse to water.

[MeowMeowLikeACow]

I don't think YABU. My DH has been working from home since March and he's driving me batty. He takes over the entire living room with his various tech devices, leaves all his work stuff everywhere even after he's finished work but admonishes the children if they leave their toys out, and OMFG HE IS SO FUCKING LOUD ON EVERY CONFERENCE CALL.

I mean, I love him, but he needs to go.

[VetiverAndLavender]

I'd feel like he has a choice (as long as it's been discussed specifically and recently enough that he's aware of both options) between going into the office and moving his workspace upstairs. That's completely reasonable. I'd even offer to set up the home office myself, as far as possible. But if he's not happy upstairs, that leaves him with the office.

Also, a 15-minute commute is nothing, where I live.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

Be very clear, he has the choice, he goes back into the office or he sorts out the bedroom upstairs.

His choice.

You & the baby can't spend your lives in the bedroom! Or being downstairs with him shouting like that!

[CorianderBlues]

YABU. It's a strange year, he is WFH to earn money to keep a roof over your head, work with him not against him.

Ignore Porgy above, deliberate antagonism is the domain of a twat.

[RandomMess]

He's being an arse, you've given him two viable options and he's sulking.

Perhaps be a lot more visible and stop being considerate (he isn't) remind him continually to keep his voice down on the phone. Have the TV loud, be noisy in the kitchen as much as possible.

Baby crying stay downstairs...

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@Islandislandisland

Yes I've said he needs to either go upstairs or to the office at least for some of the week and he made vague comments about buying another internet cable then said he doesn't have a desk so I suggested he use an old table from the garage..he said it's all dirty so I suggested he clean it and/or put a table cloth on it but he then announced he would go back to the office. I don't think I've been unreasonable in trying to help find a way around it but you can only lead a horse to water.

Tell him to grow the fuck up, make a decision & get it sorted!

[VetiverAndLavender]

Ah, just saw the latest update. So he's definitely aware that you're not unilaterally shoving him out the door. He has an option and is aware of it. The table being dirty is such a silly complaint, unless it's been contaminated with toxic or radioactive waste. It takes no time to clean a table! You could even give it a coat of paint to freshen it up.

It seems clear to me that he just doesn't want to move upstairs for some reason. He likes it better downstairs and doesn't want to give it up.

[NoSquirrels]

@Islandislandisland

Yes I've said he needs to either go upstairs or to the office at least for some of the week and he made vague comments about buying another internet cable then said he doesn't have a desk so I suggested he use an old table from the garage..he said it's all dirty so I suggested he clean it and/or put a table cloth on it but he then announced he would go back to the office. I don't think I've been unreasonable in trying to help find a way around it but you can only lead a horse to water.

You’ve given him loads of options. He just wants the option that is worst for you & your child and inconveniences him the very least. He’s being selfish and lazy and trying to pin it on you. Is he usually like this?

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

He's being an inconsiderate arse. He needs to sort out a proper home office Ike every other white collar worker managed to do months ago.

Honestly 'the table is dirty' 'I would need a cable'.... clean it, buy one... my goodness.

YANBU OP

[Ragwort]

Totally selfish - he's got the option to make an office upstairs, he should do that or return to the workplace.

My DH has been working from home since March too, I do find it a bit of a pain , selfishly as I like the house completely to myself and have been furloughed for the last month, but he has his own office upstairs and stays there so really I have nothing to complain about.

[Backbee]

YANBU, that would get to me too. He should move upstairs, or hopefully after this lockdown as he is the only one in the office go back there to work.

[Islandislandisland]

Yes exactly, by choosing the office he thinks I'm more likely to say oh just stay as you are then. I really wouldn't mind him being upstairs, it's just the taking over the whole living space that's the issue. Oh well, up to him.

[Hellotheresweet]

* However, I can see this being thrown in my face at a later date so I asked him if he was sure it was ok*

1. If he throws it back in your face - you know you’re married to a bona fide twat
   

1. Why the heck did you ask him if it was ok? He’s made it clear he wasn’t happy about it but was going to do it

[NoSquirrels]

Yup, keep with the ‘up to you’ refrain. If he wants to get up later and spend less on petrol he can clean a table and buy a cable. Whatevs.

[Heyahun]

you are being unfair trying to turf him out back to the office - but he is being unfair not moving his office upstairs!

I personally love having my husband at home all the time - but we have set it up so I can still use the living and kitchen areas

I like having lunch with him everyday and sometimes we get out for a walk together which is nice

just make him move upstairs - surely that will help

why should he have to go back to the office

[gamerchick]

Stop hiding upstairs man. Go down and carry on with your day.

[Hellotheresweet]

@Heyahun

you are being unfair trying to turf him out back to the office - but he is being unfair not moving his office upstairs!

This doesn’t make sense.
The OP is only wanting him back to the office because he refuses to move upstairs.

[mayflowerapplepie]

I would be spending plenty of time downstairs with a crying baby and the TV on and make it inconvenient for him until he goes upstairs. It will drive you crazy for a day or two but stop letting him be the one that pushes you out. He has another option he just doesn't have enough incentive to use it- you are being too lovely!

[pinkdragons]

It really is a strain isn't it. I love my DH but I am 9m in to maternity leave. Except for 4 weeks of that after paternity leave, he has been at home every day.
Right now I am upstairs in the baby's bedroom because DH has important work to do and needs space downstairs. He has video calls daily. We just have to make ourselves scarce or tiptoe.

Office working isn't an option for him. I have told him to rent a desk somewhere else from new year or baby will go to a day nursery (it's expensive) but we can't keep on like this it's miserable.

[Islandislandisland]

I go upstairs because I feel uncomfortable downstairs. I feel like him saying to make as much noise as I like is basically so that it becomes me that has the issue and thus me that changes what I do. I mean I haven't actually made as much noise as I like, I've been upstairs so it's worked quite well for him really!

[Quartz2208]

It is really sad that you think he is just hoping that he gets his way by you backing down - his partner and child are suffering because he wont move upstairs or back to the office

Stop pandering to him - do what he said you could do go about your day. It is his choice to be there - he has options

[WattleOn]

@mayflowerapplepie

I would be spending plenty of time downstairs with a crying baby and the TV on and make it inconvenient for him until he goes upstairs. It will drive you crazy for a day or two but stop letting him be the one that pushes you out. He has another option he just doesn't have enough incentive to use it- you are being too lovely!

I’d probably do this in your shoes.

[Gombrich479]

I so feel for you. My husband is working from home and it’s driving me slowly mad. I’m between a rock and a hard place though because I don’t want him to go in (long commute and no office is Covid safe whatever hygiene theatre is put in place) and as I type this I’m being blasted with a webinar. I also find I keep myself ‘busy’ so as not to be judged. The low grade constant psychological load of this poxy pandemic is fierce.

[Hardbackwriter]

He's being an arse. I've been WFH since March and I work downstairs on every day except the one day a week where my DH doesn't work and is at home with our toddler - then I go and work upstairs. It's not as comfortable and the WiFi is slower so I don't love working up there, but it would be so wildly unreasonable to expect them to tiptoe around me downstairs that it would never occur to me to do otherwise.