To insist DP goes back to the office

[Islandislandisland]

For context, DP has been furloughed from March-September with some working at home weeks. During this time I was working from home then gave birth to our first baby in August. DP returned to the office full time in October which was a massive relief, I got into more of a routine with the baby and life felt more normal, we had some space from each other and got on better. However, when second lockdown commenced, back he came with his computer and 2 monitors to take over the dining table once more. I won't say what he does for a job but he's been making the same phone call over and over again for at least half the day, every day and it is driving me insane. He has a very loud phone voice. Our house isn't small but has an open plan kitchen/diner/living room. I have asked him to work upstairs but he's said this isn't possible. Granted he would need to sort out a table/desk and longer internet cable but I suspect his refusal is mainly because he can't be bothered and doesn't see the issue. Due to lockdown the only place I can go out to is my mum half an hour away (support bubble) or for a walk. So I'm spending most of the day upstairs in our bedroom with the baby. He has said I don't need to change anything like be quieter or not have the tv on if I'm downstairs but I'm constantly aware he's sat there trying to work and I feel really constrained all the time. Our relationship is suffering partly because I never have any time away from him and we have nothing to say to each other because we're always together, plus the added strain of first baby. I feel like I'm suffocating slowly and my quality of life is shit. I was hoping he'd be called back to the office post lockdown but he hasn't been. We are in a tier 2 area but with very low cases. I have explained how I feel to him and he has reluctantly arranged to return to the office and be the only one there. However, I can see this being thrown in my face at a later date so I asked him if he was sure it was ok. He said he was annoyed at having to get up earlier and spend money on petrol but would do it. I feel really guilty for inconveniencing him but I can't go on like this with no real end in sight. AIBU by sticking to my guns on this? Part of me feels like I should just suck it up but I can't see how I can go on like this. I did suggest maybe he could just do half the week in the office but he doesn't want to have to bring all his equipment back and forth.

[Charleyhorses]

He works 15 minutes away?
Jesus. Yanbu.
My dh has worked from home since March.. I got a new job in August. Dd1 is wfh.
A few weeks ago I gave up wfh and do an hour each way by train.
It was either that or divorce after 30 years on marriage!

[Di11y]

DH and I are both WFH though I'm school hours. We've taken a child's bedroom each which worked really well when schools were off as whoever was looking after the kids had the run of downstairs.

He needs to either sort a space upstairs or go back to the office. It's not acceptable!

[timeisnotaline]

Well. What a twat. I think it shows how much your relationship is built on you smoothing things over and making an effort to accomodate him. It lets him say seemingly nice things like of course you can make noise downstairs without having ever to inconvenience himself and now you’ve stood up for yourself for once and he is having to act he is not happy. It’s a deal breaker moment op, you and baby matter too and should be treated like you do, and nor are you responsible for his actions or lack of them.

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

Oh wow. I'd leave him

[rainbowstardrops]

I was about to say, tell him to either move upstairs, go back to the office or combine the two but after reading your update, I'd tell him to fuck right off!!!!

[thecatsthecats]

Our empty office is just down the road from me and I'm going to make my husband spend a day working there alone on a day I have off.

Something inside of me unclenches when I have the house totally to myself, and he barely goes out, whereas I go out for a good couple of hours a day.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

@Hellotheresweet

9.42 start a thread about your partner and being inconsiderate

2 hours later - thinking best option is to leave him.

Only on mumsnet

Yes! Cos sometimes this is the only place some women have to discuss shit when they are at the very end of their tether!

If you think OP is trolling the ONLY thing the T+Cs allow you to do is press the report button!

[timeforanewstart]

Well if he really doesn't want to go to the office he has another choice to work upstairs
Thats what my dh has had to do as was working from kitchen table start of lockdown but we live in small terrace and the kitchen right of frontroom so i could hear him and vice versa plus dc would come down for lunch drinks and he could be on a call
So now he is based in our bedroom , not ideal either but only workable solution
He isn't at home all day just his admin and meetings at home as has to visit clients etc as part of job ( in ppe ) I can't wait for him to be able to return to office
I know some love to wfh but for others we just don't have house to accomodate it

[hitchhikingghost]

Your home needs to be a home where you can relax, not an office. Of course he should go to his office, 15 min away is nothing - and he is the only one there (even if he wasn’t I’m sure he’d be able to keep distance)! Lots of us has worked through covid, with no possibility to work from home.

[tofuschnitzel]

That sounds like a horrible situation to have in your home. Your DP thinking it's acceptable to have phonecalls all day, while you carry on as normal, would be like having two televisions on at once, but you can't ever turn the volume down on the second TV.

He sounds like a selfish arse. I know it isn't easy to stand up for yourself, but you have done really well trying to address this.

[gamerchick]

That's the problem when you're a people pleaser and the one who benefits the most and takes it for granted turns nasty when you don't roll over as usual.

Been there.

Maybe it's time you start thinking of your own needs a bit more, he can't behave like that OP.

[Thinkingg]

[quote Islandislandisland]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz well I've just tried as you suggested and he told me that I didn't offer him to work upstairs and he's arranged to go to the office which is now all my fault for apparently not telling him he could work upstairs before, despite us having had a whole conversation about what furniture he could potentially use. I said that was fine but his choice. He reckons I deliberately waited until he'd arranged office working before mentioning upstairs being an option, which is not true. For once I thought I would stand up for myself and said I wasn't going to be blamed for the fact he couldn't be bothered to sort out a space out of the living area and he called me a cunt and slammed off into the garden. So actually the solution might be just to leave him so I don't have to put up with being sworn at and gaslit. Fortunately we aren't married.[/quote]
Oh that's awful I'm sorry. Completely unacceptable :(

[picklemewalnuts]

I'm so sorry it blew up like that, @Islandislandisland !

I was about to suggest that as he doesn't have the issue, and so feels it's your fault, that you help him see the issue.

If you vacuum, sing and dance along to the radio with your baby, and otherwise behave as though he isn't there then he'll soon have an issue.

Don't forget to play baby lullabies and baby playtime music!

[Redolent]

@S00LA

So actually the solution might be just to leave him so I don't have to put up with being sworn at and gaslit. Fortunately we aren't married

If you are not married then why oh why are you still off on maternity leave ? You need to get back to work full time ASAP. It’s your partners turn to take family leave.

Her baby is three months old.

[CharityDingle]

He reckons I deliberately waited until he'd arranged office working before mentioning upstairs being an option, which is not true.

So he couldn't figure out for himself that upstairs was an option, but reckoned it was your responsibility to tell him. You have two children there, OP.
I wouldn't say LTB on that basis but calling you names and slamming around, nah, life is too short for putting up with that kind of shit. Would he call his colleagues names and slam around like that at work, somehow I doubt it.

[Hellotheresweet]

9.42 start a thread about your partner and being inconsiderate

2 hours later - thinking best option is to leave him.

Only on mumsnet

[Islandislandisland]

@S00LA pardon? Is maternity leave purely for married women? I'm financially independent and could survive without him even through maternity leave. If I choose to take a year off that's entirely up to me.

[S00LA]

So actually the solution might be just to leave him so I don't have to put up with being sworn at and gaslit. Fortunately we aren't married

If you are not married then why oh why are you still off on maternity leave ? You need to get back to work full time ASAP. It’s your partners turn to take family leave.

[Davros]

I know. Don't get the table out of the garage, let him work in there

[justasking111]

Just lob the router out into the street for a car to run over. If my OH used the C word all bets would be off.

[RandomMess]

💐💐💐💐

How utterly horrid of him

[Dinosauraddict]

I haven't RTFT but I wanted to say that my employer will reimburse you (up to certain limits) to buy things like a desk, chair, cables, monitor, mouse, keyboard etc to enable you to work properly from home: worth looking into if his company offers the same?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

[quote Islandislandisland]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz well I've just tried as you suggested and he told me that I didn't offer him to work upstairs and he's arranged to go to the office which is now all my fault for apparently not telling him he could work upstairs before, despite us having had a whole conversation about what furniture he could potentially use. I said that was fine but his choice. He reckons I deliberately waited until he'd arranged office working before mentioning upstairs being an option, which is not true. For once I thought I would stand up for myself and said I wasn't going to be blamed for the fact he couldn't be bothered to sort out a space out of the living area and he called me a cunt and slammed off into the garden. So actually the solution might be just to leave him so I don't have to put up with being sworn at and gaslit. Fortunately we aren't married.[/quote]
Wow! Well, it was a good move in demonstrating exactly what sort of man he is.

What a dickhead.

[NoSquirrels]

he called me a cunt and slammed off into the garden. So actually the solution might be just to leave him so I don't have to put up with being sworn at and gaslit

Wow. Glad you don't think that's normal. Sorry, OP.

Best he fucks off to the office, I should think.

[SillyOldMummy]

He called you WHAt?!!! That is unacceptable OP. I'm so sorry. 2020 has really brought out the absolute worst in people. Keep on standing up for yourself, he sounds like a proper bully.