To insist DP goes back to the office

[Islandislandisland]

For context, DP has been furloughed from March-September with some working at home weeks. During this time I was working from home then gave birth to our first baby in August. DP returned to the office full time in October which was a massive relief, I got into more of a routine with the baby and life felt more normal, we had some space from each other and got on better. However, when second lockdown commenced, back he came with his computer and 2 monitors to take over the dining table once more. I won't say what he does for a job but he's been making the same phone call over and over again for at least half the day, every day and it is driving me insane. He has a very loud phone voice. Our house isn't small but has an open plan kitchen/diner/living room. I have asked him to work upstairs but he's said this isn't possible. Granted he would need to sort out a table/desk and longer internet cable but I suspect his refusal is mainly because he can't be bothered and doesn't see the issue. Due to lockdown the only place I can go out to is my mum half an hour away (support bubble) or for a walk. So I'm spending most of the day upstairs in our bedroom with the baby. He has said I don't need to change anything like be quieter or not have the tv on if I'm downstairs but I'm constantly aware he's sat there trying to work and I feel really constrained all the time. Our relationship is suffering partly because I never have any time away from him and we have nothing to say to each other because we're always together, plus the added strain of first baby. I feel like I'm suffocating slowly and my quality of life is shit. I was hoping he'd be called back to the office post lockdown but he hasn't been. We are in a tier 2 area but with very low cases. I have explained how I feel to him and he has reluctantly arranged to return to the office and be the only one there. However, I can see this being thrown in my face at a later date so I asked him if he was sure it was ok. He said he was annoyed at having to get up earlier and spend money on petrol but would do it. I feel really guilty for inconveniencing him but I can't go on like this with no real end in sight. AIBU by sticking to my guns on this? Part of me feels like I should just suck it up but I can't see how I can go on like this. I did suggest maybe he could just do half the week in the office but he doesn't want to have to bring all his equipment back and forth.

[RandomMess]

I'd ensure I change the smelliest nappies by the dining table too then ping on the extractor fan and head out 😂

Sorry lots of evil thoughts!!!

[Crustmasiscoming]

He's causing himself the inconvenience. For God's sake, how hard is it to get a cable and a desk sorted.

Everyone's doing clear outs at the moment, there's probably loads of desks/tables up for grabs. Cable off Amazon. Sorted.

He sounds very selfish. How could he not feel bad about you and the baby being stuck in the bedroom all day. What an arse.

[Islandislandisland]

No haven't posted about this before but I don't doubt I'm not the only one in this situation this year!

[mummmy2017]

Go take a rag and clean the table, empty the box room.
TELL him you need his help then get that table upstairs.
Order the cable as well , just in case then tell him to close his office door each day...
Job done, bet he goes to the office.

[MiniMum97]

It would make more for for you to insist he works upstairs than that he goes back to the office.

You shouldn't have to but if all it takes is sorting a desk and cable just do it for him and move his stuff. Seems like a quick and easy fix for something that's causing you a complete nightmare.

[thenightsky]

I've got the same issue minus the baby. I retired in January so I'm home 99% of the time due to lockdown. DH started working from home in March full time and has now been told they are closing the office permanently to save money and all staff are classed as home workers. So he's never going back.

He talks with the same booming voice as OP's DP on the phone for 90% of his day. Its like having a radio on all day, broadcasting propaganda. A radio you cannot turn down or turn off. DD likened it to being in North Korea

[kwiksavenofrillsusername]

It's crazy that you have a spare room and he's working from the dining table. He literally just has to carry his stuff upstairs to make your life easier. I'd honestly just spend time downstairs and get on with things. If he thinks he can work through crap kids TV, hoovering, baby crying etc then good luck to him.

My DH has been working from home in a squashed corner of the bedroom but it has worked quite well. He has no commute, so is around to help with the kids a bit more, and it's quite nice having lunch together if we get a chance. But he'd annoy the hell out of me if he was downstairs all day with his booming phone voice.

[oakleaffy]

@LeaveMyDamnJam

He needs to move upstairs.

As an aside, I was discussing with the currant Mr jam (see what I did there 😉) and we both wondered with the likelihood of more and more people working from home, would the fashion for open plan living be reversed?

Very good point. the 1960's saw a huge spike in 'Open plan', but there was a backlash against it as it went out of fashion, simply for noise/privacy issues.

Open plan is great for one person, but a family?...Not nearly as practical.

Being able to shut the door and be private is a great blessing in a family...No matter who you are.

[Soontobe60]

Be proactive. Buy a longer lead, a next lead in case he says there are not enough sockets, get a desk and chair set up upstairs then mover everything over. If he makes a fuss, just put Good Morning Britain on LOUDLY every morning, followed by Loose Women then some other rubbish TV in the afternoon. DO NOT go upstairs yourself, or accommodate his selfish behaviour. He’s a twonker!!

[oakleaffy]

Many hate home working. Zero time apart.

[SkedaddIe]

@Islandislandisland

I wouldn't say he's flat out inconsiderate but he's very black and white, can't problem solve very well so doesn't look for alternative solutions or rejects them if I offer any. Also he struggles with accepting there's an issue if something isn't an issue to him

But it isn't an issue to him it's an issue to you. So why don't you take the lead?

You set up the office upstairs and buy the long cable or you can investigate, setup and buy a suitable wireless option. Then he moves his stuff upstairs.

Oh and you can book an appointment and take that old dirty desk to the tip while you're at it.

YANBU for wanting a change, but you're being massively unreasonable expecting him to do all the work for it. And a bit of a hypocrite saying that he's inconsiderate to you. You sound like the inconsiderate one here imo.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Tackle this today. While we are all here to bolster you.

"DH, this isn't working. You either order the cable today, or I will. Then when it arrives we can get the workstation sorted upstairs. I've compromised long enough"

[MagicSummer]

I'm in a similar situation, OP, without the baby. My DH has been working from home since March and no sign of returning to the office any time soon. He does have an office upstairs but is on the phone ALL day and all I can hear is his side of the conversations! I used to love my routine at home, and he also used to stay away one night a week - bliss!! He drives me nuts making tea all day long and walking backwards and forwards if he takes a call whilst in the kitchen. If I go out, he asks when I will be back and when I get back, he asks how I got on. Grrr! I've only dashed to the supermarket for things.

[oatmilk4breakfast]

I do get it. But he has a choice here. Lay out the options. Surely buying a desk getting a chair and putting a wire up to the bedroom is less hassle than shelling out for commute and doing it in winter. My husband has managed just fine in our room and clears his desk of monitor and laptop everything each day. (Tucked away under bed and on top of wardrobe). This is not hard. He is just not thinking about you at all.

[sashagabadon]

God yes that sounds super irritating. Send him back to work. Pretty sure he’ll want to go back himself soon anyway once your baby is no longer a sleeping, compliant new born

[TheCrowsHaveEyes]

It's not an issue for him because you've hid upstairs. Can you overcome your reluctance and be downstairs with the baby? Make noise at a normal rate. Then you'll see if it's workable or not.

Personally, I'd have set up the spare room with the table and the cable and did a 'Surprise! Now you have your own work space!'

[Marnie76]

As others have said, don’t wait for him to organise it, he’s happy with his situation. Clean the table, order the cable and tell him that’s he moving upstairs or going to work, and that’s his only options if he wants to stay married.

[ifonly4]

I think you just need to live your life, watch tv, don't worry if DB cries, be in the kitchen making coffee/preparing meal if you want. You may find he gets fed up, and looks at other options. Chances are work will fund a desk, chair, cables if they consider it a good option to work from home.

I know it's not easy, DH has computer, ipad and two mobile phones on the go and is talking a lot - I keep asking him when I can do stuff and I think we've just come to the conclusion I do whatever I need to in the background. On the plus side for us, DH is no longer travelling so is saving about an hour or so, which is time he can have with us or relax.

[Chloemol]

He had two choices

1. Make the bedroom into a office and work from home
   
2. Go back to the office to work
   

Let him choose which

[GnomeDePlume]

While sorting cable & desk also set up a 'hospitality tray' (kettle, cup etc)

Okay, I will admit I am an antisocial sod who likes being shut away!

[rainkeepsfallingdown]

I think you're unreasonable to send him back to the office when he can work from home. However, I do think he needs to take more responsibility for finding a more bearable home working situation for the both of you, as the current arrangements aren't suitable. So, he's also a bit unreasonable as he doesn't seem to be taking any action to avoid being booted out of the house.

[Happyheartlovelife]

I don’t quite get the whole load of people saying make tons of noise. Change a smelly nappy there

He’s already said she’s ok to be in there

When did marriage become so childish. The OP has said he’s not very good at organising things and only see black or white.

Just talk to him OP. Say you’re not happy about it. You’re willing to help. (You’ve already stayed in the bedroom) so you’ve been helping him out anyway.

Surely then it’s sorted? My husbands been working from home for years so it can be done without having to resort to childish tactics.

[S00LA]

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

He's being an inconsiderate arse. He needs to sort out a proper home office Ike every other white collar worker managed to do months ago.

Honestly 'the table is dirty' 'I would need a cable'.... clean it, buy one... my goodness.

YANBU OP

This. He can ask his employer to pay for a new cable, desk and office chair. And the WiFi.

Has he asked them for their Working from Home policy and completed any risk assessments ?

[Dizzy1234]

I'm working from home, started at the dining room table but have moved to the back bedroom as my partner works shifts / nights and he felt he couldn't sit in the lounge with the TV on in case he disturbed me so he was sitting playing on his phone.
I moved because wfh shouldn't interfere with the everyday family life / routine.
I bought a desk from B&m £30 and I'm set up.
Shift him upstairs

[LindaEllen]

You say you hoped he'd be back in the office post lockdown 'but he hasn't been'.

Lockdown isn't over yet. Wednesday it finishes, and THEN you'll be in tier 2, right now you're on the same national restriction level as the rest of the country.

I don't know if that makes it easier, as there's a chance he'll be back off to work in a couple of days?

But seriously, have you spoken to him about it? That's so important. And if the work from home thing is going to carry on, it's absolutely imperative that he works upstairs and sets up accordingly.

I remember my dad working from home when I was a young teen and I was always tiptoeing round and walking on egg shells - I would not want that with a brand new baby.