To insist DP goes back to the office

[Islandislandisland]

For context, DP has been furloughed from March-September with some working at home weeks. During this time I was working from home then gave birth to our first baby in August. DP returned to the office full time in October which was a massive relief, I got into more of a routine with the baby and life felt more normal, we had some space from each other and got on better. However, when second lockdown commenced, back he came with his computer and 2 monitors to take over the dining table once more. I won't say what he does for a job but he's been making the same phone call over and over again for at least half the day, every day and it is driving me insane. He has a very loud phone voice. Our house isn't small but has an open plan kitchen/diner/living room. I have asked him to work upstairs but he's said this isn't possible. Granted he would need to sort out a table/desk and longer internet cable but I suspect his refusal is mainly because he can't be bothered and doesn't see the issue. Due to lockdown the only place I can go out to is my mum half an hour away (support bubble) or for a walk. So I'm spending most of the day upstairs in our bedroom with the baby. He has said I don't need to change anything like be quieter or not have the tv on if I'm downstairs but I'm constantly aware he's sat there trying to work and I feel really constrained all the time. Our relationship is suffering partly because I never have any time away from him and we have nothing to say to each other because we're always together, plus the added strain of first baby. I feel like I'm suffocating slowly and my quality of life is shit. I was hoping he'd be called back to the office post lockdown but he hasn't been. We are in a tier 2 area but with very low cases. I have explained how I feel to him and he has reluctantly arranged to return to the office and be the only one there. However, I can see this being thrown in my face at a later date so I asked him if he was sure it was ok. He said he was annoyed at having to get up earlier and spend money on petrol but would do it. I feel really guilty for inconveniencing him but I can't go on like this with no real end in sight. AIBU by sticking to my guns on this? Part of me feels like I should just suck it up but I can't see how I can go on like this. I did suggest maybe he could just do half the week in the office but he doesn't want to have to bring all his equipment back and forth.

[corythatwas]

We've got 2 offices running in the home atm- and I totally get your point, OP.

Things need to be managed so that there is still some living space where you are not asked to relax in the middle of somebody else's office!!!

I'd go insane if I had to listen to dh's phone calls all the time. And we haven't even got young children.

[Heyahun]

you need to just be downstairs though - you are enabling him by hiding away quietly!

If my husband is in the kitchen and i want a cup of tea - I just walk in and make the cup of tea!

he'd probably move soon enough if the baby was going mad crying and you were in and out of the kitchen tbh

[Hellotheresweet]

Op

Your husband has said come down and make a much noise as you want

You haven’t


Your husband has agreed to go in to the office, albeit reluctantly.

You ask him if he’s sure.

FGS he’s been quite clear

It seems like you’re the one making an issue out of it. Just take him at his word

[LH1987]

I have a 6 month old and was in a similar situation, DP took over the whole living space and we were pushed out for the multitude of video conferences he did a day. The noise was very disturbing for the babies routine, in my opinion.

He has now been moved to the babies room during the day with a new fold up desk from Amazon.

You can get an internet cable delivered next day, I don’t understand this issue!

[MyOwnSummer]

If he's still not taking action, just order the cable and get the table out yourself. Dump it upstairs in the small room with all his work gear. Done.

You shouldn't have to do that, but it is probably the quickest way to get the problem solved.

[Thinkingg]

@Islandislandisland

Yes I've said he needs to either go upstairs or to the office at least for some of the week and he made vague comments about buying another internet cable then said he doesn't have a desk so I suggested he use an old table from the garage..he said it's all dirty so I suggested he clean it and/or put a table cloth on it but he then announced he would go back to the office. I don't think I've been unreasonable in trying to help find a way around it but you can only lead a horse to water.

This is utterly and completely reasonable .

You gave him two sensible options. He does not get to monopolise the entire living space all day everyday when two other people live in the house.

Now don't give in to any guilt-tripping.

[LondonlovesLola]

He sounds a bit of a pain OP!
He doesn’t want to use a different room and is making every excuse not to.
Well, it’s his choice!
Glad to hear that he has agreed to go back to the office.

[rottiemum88]

Did you actually try being downstairs while he was there, doing your own thing, making normal noise etc while he worked? Because by moving yourself upstairs you've kind of made the problem worse by removing the issue for him, then told him to leave his own home and go back into the office on his own. Why not help him set up a place to work upstairs so he's out of your way and everyone's happy?

[MsVestibule]

I'm pleased he's decided to go back to the office, but do not let him throw this back in your face at any point in the future; have a response ready like 'I didn't tell you to go back - working downstairs wasn't suitable and you couldn't be bothered setting up an office upstairs so it was your decision.' Add a 🤷‍♀️.

He really is being a complete arse. I can't imagine inconveniencing my spouse and baby like this if there was a perfectly viable alternative. Is he normally a considerate person?

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

@CorianderBlues

YABU. It's a strange year, he is WFH to earn money to keep a roof over your head, work with him not against him.

Ignore Porgy above, deliberate antagonism is the domain of a twat.

She HAS been 'working with him' but he's acting like a child & an inconsiderate oaf.

She's looking after their baby, not twiddling her thumbs.

[JustAnotherUserinParadise]

You've offered him a choice (upstairs or back to the office) and he's chosen the option he prefers. Now stop giving it headspace!

I think you need to be a bit more noisy downstairs to be honest... do you have any musical instruments? "teaching the baby to play the piano" would be perfect, but failing that nursery rhymes on repeat should do it!

[Islandislandisland]

I wouldn't say he's flat out inconsiderate but he's very black and white, can't problem solve very well so doesn't look for alternative solutions or rejects them if I offer any. Also he struggles with accepting there's an issue if something isn't an issue to him

[CoffeeBeansGalore]

Could he buy a new table/desk and proper chair that would fit nicely upstairs in the available space? More comfortable, and better for both of you. Online sales are still going on. But I do see that it's him unwilling to change the at home set up. Alternatively do you have room and funds for a shed/home office at the bottom of the garden? Then he could "go to work" out of the house whilstt still being home.

[confusednotcom]

Wow, you are not being unreasonable at all if he insists on using all your living space as an office when you have a young baby to care for. His choice: work upstairs, or go in to the office. If he has chosen the latter make sure he sticks to it. Maybe you could kit out the spare room with a desk (or use the dirty table) so it's ready to go if he finds a reason why the commute doesn't work? DH is WFH and it is fine as I can't hear him and he's not in the kitchen. In your shoes I'd be going potty. Hope you are getting out and seeing friends (one on one) to let off steam!

[nosswith]

The table and longer internet cable should be the solution, not by going back to the office (work from home if you can, in his case with a bit of effort you can).

I feel sorry not just for you but for his employers.

[MsVestibule]

I think I wouldn't say he's flat out inconsiderate and he struggles with accepting there's an issue if something isn't an issue to him rather contradict each other!

Do you find you pander to his needs generally more than you feel is fair?

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

I think you need to take him at his word then. Use the living room, play music at a normal volume. Call your mother and speak loudly while he's working. Run the blender. Play with the baby.

It's your living room- for living in.

Stop enabling his stubbornness by accomodating him.

I can't stand 'black and white' thinkers. It's so often just selfishness in disguise

[diddl]

15 min commute or own office upstairs & he can't be bothered to do either?

We are open plan downstairs, husband is working from the narrow bit of our L shaped bedroom.

It's a squash, but he's delighted to not be commuting for at least an hr both ways, to be able to have lunch with family, to be able to sit in or have a wander around the garden on a break (weather permitting), to be able to have a walk around the block at lunch.

[CharityDingle]

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

I think you need to take him at his word then. Use the living room, play music at a normal volume. Call your mother and speak loudly while he's working. Run the blender. Play with the baby.

It's your living room- for living in.

Stop enabling his stubbornness by accomodating him.

I can't stand 'black and white' thinkers. It's so often just selfishness in disguise

Exactly. He is annoyed at going back to the office because from his point of view, home is just perfect as his workspace.

Start using the space as you normally would, seriously. Normal everyday noise and activity especially with a small child. He might then be able to grasp the obvious, i.e that the current arrangement only suits him.

[BashfulClam]

Get thee to IKEA and get a Micke desk and a long Ethernet cable (my husband had a 10” one trailing upstairs we both work wirelessly now). That’s it sorted.

[Meraas]

His offer that you continue as normal while he's working doesn't mean much as he knows you're a people pleaser and won't make noise anyway. He's being very selfish not to run the cable up to the bedroom so he can work from there.

Don't back down from his working in the office, he's brought it on himself. I go into the office voluntarily a couple of days a week, it's blissful and quiet.

Btw, have you posted about it before? There was a similar post recently about a DO who commandeered the dining room which was the centre of the house, i.e. you had to go through the dining room to get to the kitchen and garden. But the child in that thread was a toddler so probably not you!

[TeaStory]

So it sounds like he is crowding you out of your living space with his stuff and his loud voice repeating the same stuff over and over, yet doesn’t think there is any problem because he’s happy for you to be there while he does it?

How infuriating.

YANBU, he has multiple choices available to him, he doesn’t get to blame you if he doesn’t like what he’s picked.

[Meraas]

*DP not DO

[VettiyaIruken]

@Islandislandisland

I wouldn't say he's flat out inconsiderate but he's very black and white, can't problem solve very well so doesn't look for alternative solutions or rejects them if I offer any. Also he struggles with accepting there's an issue if something isn't an issue to him

Well then make it an issue to him by not choosing to stay upstairs! Go about your day normally. Right now, you're actually helping him to refuse to compromise!

[Teddybear27]

My hubby has been working from home since mid March and he has set up his ‘office’ in the spare room. I think your partner is being unreasonable particularly as you have a baby. He should set up his office in the spare room. It is not fair for you to be in the bedroom with the baby..