AiBU to ask if any other ladies feel under pressure to have a child (due to their age)?

[Christmasiscomingx]

I guess either by any of the following factors- society, family, friends, medical advice, concerns about age vs fertility etc

I'm having a bit of a moment tonight.. im 30 and over the last 6 months I have had many of my friends and also 2 cousins of a similar age to me announce their pregnancy. My mother in particular likes to remind me and show me photos all the time of her friends grandchildren (my mother is the only one of her friends who isnt a grandma) and I dont think she realises that how it comes across to me and my partner. Perhaps its not her intention and maybe I am being sensitive! I know this sounds ridiculous and I expect to be told so, but I am beginning to feel like my time will never come! Of course it will, but I'm just having one of those moments!

I also feel pressure from society and family friends, my auntie asked me at a wedding last year if we wanted children and seemed surprised when I said yes but in a few years. I've had other similar comments in the past from colleagues etc

Realistically with our financial and career situation (uncertainty with DP job) and wanting to buy a house mid to late next year (currently renting a small 1 bed flat) I will probably be closer to late 31/32 before we would be in a better situation to TTC. This would also enable us to accrue savings towards childcare. Were also not married yet but both earn similar wages (I earn slightly more than DP) and have similar savings.. of course we want to get married but I think it will either be a case of having a quick registrar wedding or prioritising having children!

Does anyone else feel this way? Is starting TTC at 31/32 leaving it late? I also must admit to suffering from anxiety so its difficult to tell whether I am being a worrier or whether my feelings are valid! I am not sure if relevant but both myself and DP would like 2 children.

Interested to hear from others and their experiences with this!

Thank you for reading my post 🙂

No. I never felt pressured. We started TTC when I was 24, but never told anyone - why would you? Had investigations when I was 28 and was told that I was extremely unlikely to get pregnant, and even more unlikely to have a successful pregnancy. So if anyone ever asked, and TBH not many people did, I just told them I couldn't have children, and that shut them up.

I was 40 when I had my first. I think 30 is young!!

Yeah I’ve been married 3 years - I’m 32 now and expecting my first! From the day o got married I’ve been asked regularly at family events about when we are having kids

It didn’t bother me at all tbh I just brushed it off - like you we wanted to have our house deposit saved, be a bit more Steady at work, more financially secure - we also had a few things lined up (glasto tickets, a few big holidays) so we did those first

We finally have the house deposit saved, but haven’t found a house yet, I’m now 6 months pregnant so the baby will be coming home to our tiny 1bed flat - but at least we know we have the money to move when we can rather than stressing about saving

I’m so glad we waited tbh - feel so much more relaxed about it all and less stressed about money and where we are gonna live!

Noone I know even started thinking about babies until their 30s. I'm early 30s and only one of my friends is even pregnant, none have children. Hell, I know several people in their early 30s who are single and still live with their parents.

It’s not late at all and I’d say it would be more ideal to have your own property first if that’s on the horizon so you can have more security.

Some people do have fertility problems but most women who start trying for a baby aged 31-32 will have a healthy baby. Start prepping by getting finances in order, getting married, maintaining a healthy weight.

🙋🏼‍♀️ 31 and my in-laws have been badgering me for years... if we have children we'll try when we're ready, we own our home and have good jobs but I'm not in a place to have a child yet, we're planning our wedding and I want to travel more... I'm often told how sad it is I don't have children yet and it makes me want to scream at them that I like my life as it is thank you.. 🤦🏼‍♀️

No one can tell you what to do because they don't know how you feel about the risks and benefits involved.

Yes, chances of successfully conceiving will now fall every year for you until menopause. And yes, if you have fertility problems, knowing sooner rather than later is enormously helpful. But how would you feel if you start trying at 35 and find you struggle? Personally I could have made peace with not having kids, which is why I didn't rush before I was ready. But I've got plenty of friends who are devastated to have left it too late to either have any or to have more than 1.

I had my first at 38. You’re 30. A baby

I am constantly amazed in here by the number of women who find their long term partner by the time they are 30. In my social circle it was not common at all to be partnered up at 30. People start asking about kids when you have settled down with someone, that is the reason, not your age.

You need to be married and in your own home beforehand.

Also, whilst 31/32 isn't too old, it's still the wrong side of 30. I'd definitely be considering TTC soon after wedding etc

Yes, chances of successfully conceiving will now fall every year for you until menopause. And yes, if you have fertility problems, knowing sooner rather than later is enormously helpful. But how would you feel if you start trying at 35 and find you struggle? - This. If its important to you to have children then be aware of this. If not, your time is your own.

The risk of infertility does go up with each year, but the great majority of women starting to TTC at 31 / 32 are going to be fine. Assuming you don't want 10 kids, obviously.

If you are concerned, talk to your mum about what age she experienced menopause and menstrual irregularities (in general, women stop being able to conceive naturally "around" 10 years before the menopause proper) and consider getting your ovarian reserves checked.

@CheetasOnFajitas

I am constantly amazed in here by the number of women who find their long term partner by the time they are 30. In my social circle it was not common at all to be partnered up at 30. People start asking about kids when you have settled down with someone, that is the reason, not your age.

Really? Literally everyone in my circle met their life partners either at or during uni.

Well, lucky them . Why would I make this up?

I went to university too. I can think of only one person who is still with their university-era boyfriend. Most went on to travel/work in big cities and did not settle down for quite a while. Perhaps my friends were just more fun than yours?

I didn’t think I wanted children until I met my partner at the age of 34. I came off the pill in June this year (I turned 36 in March) and there’s no sign of a baby yet. I’ve had one really long cycle since I came off contraception and I’m genuinely worried that I might not be able to have children.

I did get pregnant on the pill about 5 years ago with an ex boyfriend, I didn’t know I was and I had a miscarriage at about 6 weeks (I think). I was relieved at the time as I split up with the ex about a month after I told him about the loss. I’m superstitious that I might get the karma for being relieved in that I won’t be able to conceive now I actually want to.

My mum is absolutely desperate to be a granny (I haven’t told anyone I’m TTC), in fact, I’m actively still maintaining that children aren’t for me. Read into that what you will. All my friends except 1 have children. My 2 cousins (mums nieces) have 1 each and mums sister is constantly going on about how lucky she is to be a Gran and how it’s a shame for my mum that she’ll never know the joy.

30 is definitely not past it. I would definitely focus on buying a bigger house and then get down to baby dancing 😊

I think the pressure is greater because you have a partner, and there is no obvious forward motion in terms of getting engaged, buying a family home etc. You know that you are planning to do these things, but from the outside it may look as if you are one of the many women who are waiting for their DP to commit.

I also notice you are wondering "will it ever be my turn", which suggests that you yourself would like things to be moving quicker.

But at your age you definitely have time to set yourselves up with a house and savings. Maybe just talk to your DP and set a clear timescale - I think that would help. I also agree that a modest wedding would be better than saving for an extra year to throw a huge extravaganza.

@CheetasOnFajitas

Well, lucky them . Why would I make this up?

I went to university too. I can think of only one person who is still with their university-era boyfriend. Most went on to travel/work in big cities and did not settle down for quite a while. Perhaps my friends were just more fun than yours?

It’s a wealth / success gap I think. In my circle only the people who never left their home town or took any kind of risk career wise settled before 28. The people who had great jobs / studied their masters / travelled settled into marriage and long term relationships around 28-34.

@CheetasOnFajitas

Well, lucky them . Why would I make this up?

I went to university too. I can think of only one person who is still with their university-era boyfriend. Most went on to travel/work in big cities and did not settle down for quite a while. Perhaps my friends were just more fun than yours?

My god, it was surprise, not a judgement on your social circle! I hope your day improves.

So why say “really?” as if I was making it up?

No it is not to late at all.
I'd my first a little earlier than friends at 28 when I had my second at 34 they were all having their first. then they wanted to be interested in my life

@CheetasOnFajitas

So why say “really?” as if I was making it up?

I think you've read a lot into a single word there, especially seeing as it's a word that is very commonly used to convey surprise.

And to your point, the vast majority of my circle have great careers and travelled, and most of them live in London - it's absolutely possible to do all that, and be in a relationship! Meeting your life partner at 20 doesnt mean housecoats and slippers by 25!