AiBU to ask if any other ladies feel under pressure to have a child (due to their age)?

[Christmasiscomingx]

I guess either by any of the following factors- society, family, friends, medical advice, concerns about age vs fertility etc

I'm having a bit of a moment tonight.. im 30 and over the last 6 months I have had many of my friends and also 2 cousins of a similar age to me announce their pregnancy. My mother in particular likes to remind me and show me photos all the time of her friends grandchildren (my mother is the only one of her friends who isnt a grandma) and I dont think she realises that how it comes across to me and my partner. Perhaps its not her intention and maybe I am being sensitive! I know this sounds ridiculous and I expect to be told so, but I am beginning to feel like my time will never come! Of course it will, but I'm just having one of those moments!

I also feel pressure from society and family friends, my auntie asked me at a wedding last year if we wanted children and seemed surprised when I said yes but in a few years. I've had other similar comments in the past from colleagues etc

Realistically with our financial and career situation (uncertainty with DP job) and wanting to buy a house mid to late next year (currently renting a small 1 bed flat) I will probably be closer to late 31/32 before we would be in a better situation to TTC. This would also enable us to accrue savings towards childcare. Were also not married yet but both earn similar wages (I earn slightly more than DP) and have similar savings.. of course we want to get married but I think it will either be a case of having a quick registrar wedding or prioritising having children!

Does anyone else feel this way? Is starting TTC at 31/32 leaving it late? I also must admit to suffering from anxiety so its difficult to tell whether I am being a worrier or whether my feelings are valid! I am not sure if relevant but both myself and DP would like 2 children.

Interested to hear from others and their experiences with this!

Thank you for reading my post 🙂

No. I've never felt pressured. Bloody good job really as I never wanted children. I've made it to 53 so I think I'm probably safe now.

37 when I had my last. I wouldn’t want to wait much longer incase there is unexpected delay.

I'm 31 and am 10 weeks pregnant so I wouldn't say 31/32 is too old at all

Easier said than done but forget about outside pressures & enjoy each stage of your life as much as possible- I also had lots of pressure from family & friends whilst travelling & living abroad with DH in my early 30s. Wish Id just enjoyed my time as now 35 with 10 month old DD & living near where I grew up!

I definitely wouldn't have DC or TTC until married, it's genuinely vital protection for the mother (whose career takes the hit).

However, are you not planning to marry soon? Sadly fertility can be tricky, I'm peri-menopausal at 35 and I'm gutted because I desperately wanted more than one child (who took 3 years to conceive). I love DS more than anything, we are so lucky to have him, but I wish we could give him a sibling.

My mum got pg at the drop of a hat btw, in our case it's unexplained infertility - don't assume it'll all be grand.

However - DO NOT fall into the trap of ttc before marriage. The Relationships board is full of reasons why this is not a good idea unless you are independently MUCH wealthier than DP.

Having had my first at 31, and had 3 miscarriages between babies 1 & 2, and a very complex pregnancy with baby 2, if I could turn back the clock and start earlier I would.

31/32 is not late at all!!

I didn’t feel any pressure at all. Spent my late twenties/ early thirties travelling, buying a house, having a whale of a time! Married 4 years by 33 when I fell pregnant. Then had dd1 at 34, ds at 36 and ds2 at 38! Waited until we were ready- there may have been hopeful and expectant grandparents but I never felt ‘pressure’ because I knew I wasn’t ready

I felt under a lot of pressure, both from my family and due to my own desire to have kids. I had my first at 35 and second at 38. Conceived within a few months each time. Still feel incredibly lucky and grateful that it happened for me. I'm far from the only one in this situation though - the thing is that you'll never know until you try.

Your mum and relatives are being tactless.

Clearly you are being sensible and waiting until you can give your child a good home.

Ignore them.

My mum had me at 28 and my sister at 37 for economic reasons.

Just ignore them- the worst thing you could do would be to give in and have a baby before you’re ready, or worse still when you don’t want one at all!

I had DS at 33, and had had some (well intentioned but frankly inappropriate) comments before I got pregnant with him - I just laughed them off or ignored. Suggest you do the same and think no more of it. 30 is still young to be thinking about it.

If you're close to owning a home then I would prioritise that.

Most women don't have a problem conceiving in their early 30s. We started TTC shortly before turning 30 and it took 2 years to have a baby due to miscarriages. BUT it took one go for baby #3.

If you plan on 2 or less children then I would hold off and get your finances in order first personally as it's nice to know you are sound when you have kids.

I thought you were going to say you were much older. I started to feel like I better get a move on when I was in my late 30s. I think marriage and a larger property first is the best way to go and you still have plenty of time to do it.

I didn't feel under pressure from other people but I did feel once I turned 30 it was about time to get a shift on. I have a couple of friends in their mid 30s who reckon they still have loads of time before even starting to try and I sort of think that's a bit risky but obviously wouldn't say anything.

I got it after I got married. Constantly people getting on at me that we should have children because we were married. We had been trying since we were 23 and by the time we split at 29 there hadn't even been a positive test.

I met now dh at 29 and had dd at 32 (should've been 31 but she was late) I'm now having another at 36. Also had a miscarriage in-between. All 3 times I fell pregnant with no problems.

I did find after having dd I was then questioned on having another.

It seems people are never happy and always have to question.

I should add in your situation OP I do think you're doing the right thing by waiting, 31/32 isn't too old at all.

I feel the same; and I’m also 30. We were hoping to move this year/very early next year, but the chain has collapsed, so we’re in a one bed flat too... I thought we’d be TTC after that; so around 31.

But if I’m honest, I’ve been pretty worried by the stories of women who struggled and wished they’d started earlier, so we’re talking about trying soon. There’s no reason I should struggle but I guess there’s no reason a lot of people should, and it does worry me...

But I think the in-laws have already written me off in terms of having kids, so they have stopped asking about that, thankfully! We got almost hourly comments for a while...

Do you want children eventually? If you do then it won’t hurt to get a fertility mot just to make sure everything’s working as it should. We started ttc at 29 but my fertility problems weren’t picked up until 5 years later. Then it was another 5 before I could get pregnant.

I got this as soon as i was married. I think something about the ring just made people insane, because i was 24.

I'm 24, bf is 35 and apparently that means we're 'running out of time'. I dread family get-togethers because all we get asked is when we're having babies or if we're TTC.

As PP said if you're planning to TTC in the next few years, a fertility MOT could help you in the future. Even if you don't want children it's a good thing to be aware of.

31/32 is not late at all OP! Pretty much all my friends had their first babies at around 34-36.

Pretty much all my friends had their first babies at around 34-36.

I suspect this may be a factor too. I’m the only person in my close friends without kids - most of the rest had their first at 18/19, and all have three kids now, with the youngest being 5.

Husband has a much more balanced group, a few friends with two kids but a few with none too.

Does make me feel ancient when they’re so far ahead!

This has been somewhat reassuring

I've just come out the other side of this. From 30-35 people saw me more as a womb than a woman! I was really ambivalent about kids so in no rush. My early 30s were not the right time for me and that seemed to annoy a lot of people! I ended up having my first at 36. Everyone had given up on me by that time. My son is 2 now and I'm having number 2.

The media very much exaggerates how hard it is to get pregnant over 35. It's mainly because stories that make women feel guilty seem to sell. You still have an 80% chance of conceiving within a year at 35. Family history is quite a good indicator- I'm the 3rd generation of my family born to a mother in their mid 30s. The only word of caution I would say is that you don't know until you try if you have any fertility issues. You will have less time to get these treated if you leave it too late. In my experience that's why most people fall into trouble. Plus you are unlikely to get much help post 40z So if you REALLY really want kids it is safer to start sooner.

32 is fine.
In my office I would say the average age is 35/36ish as a first time mum
(This is city in professional roles)