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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas with my parents?

50 replies

sadsprout · 28/11/2020 22:42

I’ve found this year hard (who hasn’t I guess...) 2 preschool DC. Eldest was shielding (complex health issues), I went back to work after maternity leave for DC2 in September, DH extremely busy at work, kids off nursery a lot with temperatures/coughs (tests always negative thankfully) etc etc. Overwhelming for both of us.

A couple of months ago, hit a really rough spot with our marriage. Details don’t really matter for this but DH’s position was that everything was my fault.

Spoke to my parents about the issues as really needed the support. Maybe that wasn’t the best idea but I was really struggling and not in a good place being constantly blamed for everything.

I have been trying so hard to make it work since then, for the children especially. Despite still feeling hurt about things he said to me, I have made an effort to support him more, be kind. I thought things were getting better. I really have been trying so hard.

Now we come to making plans for Christmas. His parents are abroad so not an option to see them. Mine are a couple of hours away. I say I would like to see them. Kids would love it too.

He says no. He doesn’t want to see them because he heard me talking to them about him and thinks they hate him and he doesn’t want it to be awkward. I try to assure him it won’t be - my parents would never bring our issues up (they’ve had enough of their own issues over the years) they don’t hate him, kids will be the focus etc.

But he’s not budging. Says I can take them for 1 night after xmas if I want but he won’t come and that’s it. Because of the rules, I wouldn’t be able to take them for longer than that 1 night because we’re only allowed to see people 23rd to 27th.

I feel gutted. I really wanted to spend Christmas with them. I know how much they love the kids and the kids love seeing them. And I’d love to see them (especially having hardly seen any adults this year with mat leave and lock down).

I know its not ideal for him if he would feel awkward. But i can’t help but feel if it was the other way round I would just put up with that, rather than make someone feel the way I feel now.

AIBU to think he should come...

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsprout · 28/11/2020 22:45

Sorry reading that back might not be clear. He says xmas day has to be at home just us and kids. I could then go 26th to 27th. I would like to go for the full 23rd to 27th.

OP posts:
ZadieZadie · 28/11/2020 22:47

Bloody hell he sounds dreadful!

Absolutely go to your parents.

I'm sure everything was not your fault, how dare he make out that it was and then use that to try to tell you what to do.

I'm angry on your behalf.

underneaththeash · 28/11/2020 22:50

I think your idea is too long, just go morning of 26th and come back early 28th.

alexdgr8 · 28/11/2020 22:51

you could go with the children and leave him behind.

Original poster
sadsprout · 28/11/2020 22:55

Particularly with a DC who was sheilding, I don’t want to break the rules so do feel it now has to be 26-27, not staying to 28th.

I have said if we went 23rd to 27th , then he wouldn’t have to come the whole time. Or would do 24th to 26th with him. Or something like that. Basically 2 nights would mean so proper time with them and better for travelling with the kids.

But he won’t come at all. So only option is 26-27th.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsprout · 28/11/2020 23:16

I feel like I’m trying to compromise. But he’s just saying no.

OP posts:
CorianderQueen · 28/11/2020 23:30

Why does he get to control you? He sounds nasty

LouiseTrees · 28/11/2020 23:35

Go. Take loads of close. Stay there. You can then just be part of your parents household. Or have your parents phone him and say “
listen we do love you but you are making our daughter miserable by not coming for Christmas, man up and just come. It’ll be a jolly old time” . How does he know what you spoke to your parents about though ?

Original poster
sadsprout · 28/11/2020 23:44

I think he just overheard when i was on the phone, house is quite small

OP posts:
ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 28/11/2020 23:46

For how long is he planning to avoid your parents? It's only gonna get more awkward the longer it goes on.

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 28/11/2020 23:51

Just go leave him at home. Maybe consider leaving him and selfishness?

LittleBearPad · 28/11/2020 23:57

So your DH is an arsehole.

The chances are that the problems are at most six of one and half dozen of the other but more likely due to the fact your DH is an arsehole.

katy1213 · 29/11/2020 00:00

It wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference if you stayed until 28th; if you've already spent two days there, you'll have caught whatever you're going to catch and vice versa.
But I don't blame your husband. You've brought this on yourself by talking to outsiders about your marriage.

LittleBearPad · 29/11/2020 00:02

@katy1213

It wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference if you stayed until 28th; if you've already spent two days there, you'll have caught whatever you're going to catch and vice versa. But I don't blame your husband. You've brought this on yourself by talking to outsiders about your marriage.
For outsiders read parents. It’s allowed!
Original poster
sadsprout · 29/11/2020 00:09

The constant blaming was really affecting my mental health. I felt I was sinking into depression. I needed support and my parents are family so I felt I could turn to them. Was I really supposed to keep it all to myself?

OP posts:
Happygogoat · 29/11/2020 00:11

What's his longer term plan? Never see your parents again??

Original poster
sadsprout · 29/11/2020 00:12

I asked him if he was never going to see them again and he said he would but this was too much but I think maybe never seeing them again is his plan. Who knows?

OP posts:
namechange5575 · 29/11/2020 00:24

Don't to talk to outsiders about marriage? One from the 'abusive partners' handbook' there!

namechange5575 · 29/11/2020 00:26

I'm worried about this for you. Would you feel scared of defying him? Do you feel you could cope without him? Do you feel trapped?

Original poster
sadsprout · 29/11/2020 00:32

I don’t think defying him would be the rught thing to do. The children should see their dad for christmas.
I feel stuck. There’s obviously lots more to this. I think if it wasnt for the DC i could leave but i can’t bear the thought of not seeing them everyday.

OP posts:
LegoPandemic · 29/11/2020 03:15

Shielding makes no difference as to the rules. The rules are arbitrary.
It depends how much you want to stay married to this controlling man. Either take the children and go to your parents 23-27th or go morning of 26th and set off home 28th.

theblackparade · 29/11/2020 03:27

It’s worrying that he’s trying to distance you from your parents.

Calmandmeasured1 · 29/11/2020 03:36

@ZadieZadie

I'm sure everything was not your fault, how dare he make out that it was and then use that to try to tell you what to do.

I'm angry on your behalf.
I am not saying it is but you cannot possibly be sure that everything was not the OP's fault. She hasn't even told us any things she is being blamed for. You must be a mind reader.

OP, I think you need to find someone else to confide in about issues in your marriage, rather than your parents. If you don't have close friends then see a counsellor. Irrespective of where blame lies, it must be very awkward for your husband to have to be in the company of your parents under the circumstances. I'm not sure I wouldn't stay away if my husband did the same to me. I wouldn't feel able to trust you to keep things I confided in you as private and confidential.

You will need to sort this out if you intend staying together. If you cannot have an open conversation together then that doesn't bode well for your marriage. Communication is the most important part of any relationship.

Chailatte20 · 29/11/2020 03:39

Invite your parents for Christmas if they can travel to you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/11/2020 04:43

Spoke to my parents about the issues as really needed the support. Maybe that wasn’t the best idea but I was really struggling and not in a good place being constantly blamed for everything.

Hmm, I’m completely on the fence about this. On the one hand, I totally understand your need for support; on the other, I know how I’d feel if I heard my DH talking about our problems to his parents- I’d be really upset.

As parents, we always have our children’s backs and as we’re human, it’s hard not to dislike/blame someone who’s upset them. So your DH has a point...even if your parents really try, they’ll be judging him a bit, simply because they love you, IYSWIM. Obviously different in a crisis situation like DV, then you need to involve family.

Perhaps a five-day visit isn’t the best idea right now, perhaps let the dust settle. Could you leave on Christmas evening (Friday) and stay until Sunday instead? I can see it’s an awkward, but a compromise might be best?

For context, I’ve been married 20-plus years and neither of us generally confide in our parents about problems. I’d turn to a friend first. It might sound odd, but I don’t want to worry my Dad (there’s only him and my SM now) and I also know they’re so biased in my favor. If I want some neutral advice/to have a vent, I ask a friend.
I hope things get better, OP.💐

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