Christmas with my parents?

[sadsprout]

I’ve found this year hard (who hasn’t I guess...) 2 preschool DC. Eldest was shielding (complex health issues), I went back to work after maternity leave for DC2 in September, DH extremely busy at work, kids off nursery a lot with temperatures/coughs (tests always negative thankfully) etc etc. Overwhelming for both of us.

A couple of months ago, hit a really rough spot with our marriage. Details don’t really matter for this but DH’s position was that everything was my fault.

Spoke to my parents about the issues as really needed the support. Maybe that wasn’t the best idea but I was really struggling and not in a good place being constantly blamed for everything.

I have been trying so hard to make it work since then, for the children especially. Despite still feeling hurt about things he said to me, I have made an effort to support him more, be kind. I thought things were getting better. I really have been trying so hard.

Now we come to making plans for Christmas. His parents are abroad so not an option to see them. Mine are a couple of hours away. I say I would like to see them. Kids would love it too.

He says no. He doesn’t want to see them because he heard me talking to them about him and thinks they hate him and he doesn’t want it to be awkward. I try to assure him it won’t be - my parents would never bring our issues up (they’ve had enough of their own issues over the years) they don’t hate him, kids will be the focus etc.

But he’s not budging. Says I can take them for 1 night after xmas if I want but he won’t come and that’s it. Because of the rules, I wouldn’t be able to take them for longer than that 1 night because we’re only allowed to see people 23rd to 27th.

I feel gutted. I really wanted to spend Christmas with them. I know how much they love the kids and the kids love seeing them. And I’d love to see them (especially having hardly seen any adults this year with mat leave and lock down).

I know its not ideal for him if he would feel awkward. But i can’t help but feel if it was the other way round I would just put up with that, rather than make someone feel the way I feel now.

AIBU to think he should come...

Ignore those saying you shouldn't confide in your parents. It's bizarre that some people think you should pay £50 to offload to a "counsellor" rather than having a chat with your mum and dad.

How would your DH react if your mum or dad were to ring him and say "look this has been a bizarre year for all of us, we're not taking sides and would love you to come for Christmas"?

@EleanorRising. We’re just sharing what’s worked for us and some of us are in long marriages. We must be doing something right!

I have been trying so hard to make it work since then, for the children especially. Despite still feeling hurt about things he said to me, I have made an effort to support him more, be kind. I thought things were getting better. I really have been trying so hard.

OP do you feel he's been trying?

His intransigence over going to your parents because you looked for support from your own parents is not a great sign.

He clearly saw you as the problem over your marriage difficulties. And you have been trying. But did you see it that way? Has he acknowledged and failing or made any adjustment for you? Is he trying? Or is your current truce simply about your surrender?

If the answers to these questions would chill you if you heard them from your children if they were older, you need to rethink your approach.

I don't know if there's any way to sort anything out for Christmas without forcing something that you aren't sure you want, so maybe(?) take that off the table for now. Though certainly go up for the 26th (could you leave late 25th - drive while the children sleep?) and talk to your parents more without him around and without him listening in.

Really difficult one and I can see both sides. I think you need to decide what matters most to you:

• Your marriage
• Seeing your parents
• Sticking to the rules

Rank these and then make your choices. Be prepared for some negative consequences though depending on which you choose.

Also, is your youngest under 1? If so, I think you can have one other household as a support bubble now under the Covid winter plan, so could visit your parents anytime?

It comes down to your kids being with their father Or your parents. It's not for you to say that your parents trump that. I would feel very awkward around people knowing that they have heard bad bits about me and not know my side. I really wouldn't stay over and be miserable.
He has said that you can go away so just go for an extra night from the 26th. I don't think just taking the kids away from their dad over Xmas is the right thing to do.
If you are deciding the marriage is not working then that's another issue, not for making points over xmas.

I don’t really get why you just don’t go on Boxing Day with the kids? Why does it have to be 23-27th? I’d hate that anyway never mind staying with people who probably don’t have the best opinion of me.

Go Christmas Day evening? The roads are much clearer than Boxing Day and you’ll have spent Christmas Day together so not unfair to your husband. Feed the kids, put them in their pyjamas, leave at 6ish so if asleep when you get there you can transfer them straight to bed. Come home 27th evening the same way. Evening travel like this used to work well for my 3 when little!

I think it depends on what the marriage issues are. If your husband is massively in the wrong (affairs, been an utter arsehole or whatever) then do as you please and take them. As he thought everything was your fault I'm wondering what that means? Did he do something and he blames you for it, did you do something or is the marriage just not right and he blames you?

If he isn't to blame and it's just one of those things or you did something to put the marriage at risk I think it'd be unfair to make him spend Christmas with the in-laws or away from his children.

Is your DC still under 1? Unsure how long your mat leave may have been. If so could you have the new support bubble for new parents from 2 December and use that to stay with your parents? Sorry I’m not commenting on the wider issue here but just a quick thought that might help.

To answer a few questions-

• Youngest us 1 now so no bubble.
• I don’t really have any friends who I would have felt comfortable talking to about this issues.
• I am now having counselling but took some time to organise and only an hour a week so still needed someone to speak to when upset in the meantime.
• Issues in the marriage not all my fault. Obviously I have some responsibility and have apologised and tried to improve (mainly losing my temper when I’m deeply frustrated - I know I need to manage it better) Issues haven’t been resolved because he says its all my fault. I just have to learn to live with the hurt of feeling that my feelings don’t matter.
• i get he might feel awkward and in a normal time I would accept that and so boxing day for a few days but the fact is we have hardly seen my parents this year (or anyone) and there is a small window of a few nights when we can.
• I don’t want to break the rules. I get staying an extra night wouldn’t increase risk but it’s important to me that we get back to normal asap (because DC at higher risk) and I think its not ok to say that I am an exception to the rules which we all have to follow.

And children won’t be spending Christmas apart from him. I will just have to go for the one night. Then hopefully see my parents again in February now when the rules might change again. I just feel so sad about that. Once again his feeling trump mine (and my parents and children).

@sadsprout

And children won’t be spending Christmas apart from him. I will just have to go for the one night. Then hopefully see my parents again in February now when the rules might change again. I just feel so sad about that. Once again his feeling trump mine (and my parents and children).

I think it's a good compromise. If you go for Christmas your feelings would trump his and he would feel uncomfortable on Christmas Day which I feel is unfair. This way he doesn't get a shit Christmas and you see your family.

But I don't blame your husband. You've brought this on yourself by talking to outsiders about your marriage.

That depends doesn't it.

I never talked to my parents about my marriage because any issues were petty arguments and over within hours, if not minutes.

My daughter on the other hand, could have done with talking much sooner about her abusive marriage.

Who knows were the op is on that particular scale.

I'd feel uncomfortable going to stay with people that had heard bad things about me. I don't understand people asking parents for advice. Obviously the advice they give is going to be biased towards their own child .
Op go for the one night. That's the best compromise.

Op, I think you need to take back some control. Your DH really caused you to have to speak to someone else by deciding it is all your fault. He is not exactly open to discussions to work on your marriage is he?

Things have been pretty stressful for you this year; you have a child with health issues during a pandemic, you've been at home with a new baby and now had to deal with going back to work (in a pandemic) after maternity leave, which is always incredibly difficult emotionally and logistically.

Your DH has been less than supportive. Invite your parents to you. He'll have to suck it up and be a big boy.

I'm getting the vibe that he is a controlling, emotionally immature man. Do not be scared of him leaving you. He will be far more worried if he gets wind that you will not put up with it any longer.

He knows you are scared of him leaving and he is using it. Take back your power, OP.

I would do as PP suggested and travel Xmas day evening. Roads will be empty and you can do the same the evening of the 27th. Your DH should not be dictating when you can see your parents and it sounds like you need a break from him anyway.

@sadsprout

And children won’t be spending Christmas apart from him. I will just have to go for the one night. Then hopefully see my parents again in February now when the rules might change again. I just feel so sad about that. Once again his feeling trump mine (and my parents and children).

They are trumping yours, in part, because you are putting your feelings last.

I’m not saying it’s all your fault - far from it - but you are complaining about a situation you have decided to accept. The only way you’re going to get yourself into a situation where his feelings don’t trump yours is to start putting your own feelings ahead of his. Because he’s made it clear he isn’t going to do it.

Take the kids to your parents.

If he wants to spend Christmas Day with the children he can drive to your parents to do so. You aren’t preventing him from seeing the children, that’s his choice.

@BluebellsGreenbells. Hmm, I don’t agree. The Op and DH need to reach a compromise if they want to strengthen their relationship.

Taking the children to her parents for five days without his agreement will only make things worse.

I love my in-laws OP but I simply wouldn’t entertain the idea of staying at theirs the best of times, especially not over Xmas, also for 4 nights, and also with children.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable for saying he won’t go and stay over, but I’d expect him to come during the day.

Why don’t you take the kids Xmas night and leave again 27th evening, if you’re being a stickler for the rules. You then get a full 48 hrs at your parents and he can join for a few hours during the day either 26 or 27.

Him pining issues as entirely on you doesn’t sound good though on his part. I hope next year is better for you

@unicornparty

I'd feel uncomfortable going to stay with people that had heard bad things about me. I don't understand people asking parents for advice. Obviously the advice they give is going to be biased towards their own child . Op go for the one night. That's the best compromise.

Agreed. I wouldn't be very happy going to stay with my in-laws after they had all presumably bad-mouthed me

OP,
Your husband sounds very controlling and unkind.
How convenient for him to blame you for everything.

Does he do his share in the house and with the children?

If not then of course you have every right to seek support wherever.

Can you go and stay with your parents longterm?

Do you actually wish to remain married to him?

Is there any kindness and love between you?
If not and he is not prepared to change, then perhaps you have a lot of decisions.

Don't allow him to come between you and your parents.
They sound like your only support.

Do you actually wish to remain married to him?

That’s really the key question. If you want to remain married, you need to sort this out together and reach a compromise. 💐

Assuming the problems are 50/50 because you havent been clear, I wouldn't be spending precious days over Christmas with my spouses obviously biased parents when they've been getting a one sided low down on our marital problems. It would simply be too awkward and too much pressure, which if you are both committed to working on your marriage, won't help.

@Calmandmeasured1 I'm not a mind reader, but I do know that things are very, very rarely all one person's fault (except in cases of abuse ect).

And assuming that OP isn't outright making things up, her husband is clearly a twat making it doubly unlikely that whatever it is is all her fault.