Friend offended me with diet and weight loss advice - AIBU?

[TheFatFriend]

I was always fit, healthy and a normal weight. I had a sudden illness, spent weeks in intensive care and needed an organ transplant. I am on a huge dose of steroids and I’m bloated like a puffer fish. I was also comfort eating and immobile so I gained lots of weight. I’m still overweight but slowly losing it. My mental health was impacted by the trauma and I’m dealing with all that on top of trying to slowly recover physically.

Had a video call with a long standing friend. She knows the above. Out of the blue, she mentioned a friend has reversed type 2 diabetes with diet and weight loss. She suggested I try the diet to lose weight to help my health. I said thank, that I was healthy eating but I’d be happy to receive any info. It was easier to say that than say I wasn’t interested! She then kept going on about how losing weight will improve my health. It definitely won’t reverse my problems but I let her ramble on. After a while, I said I was getting upset. She continued talking about my weight and how it’s impacting on my health. I abruptly ended the call.

She’s text me a few times. No apology but “sorry but I want to help you improve your health” type of thing. Weight loss and diet won’t reverse my health problem and anyway, I’m doing all that stuff, with medical advice!

I need space, I don’t want to talk right now. AIBU?

@Shinyletsbebadguys

I'm sorry but I don't believe people like this mean well at all , that's just what they cry when someone pulls them up on being sanctimonious, controlling and arrogant.

It amazes me that anyone feels they have a right to comment. At most I would listen to my partner if they discussed weight , anyone else is absolutely not doing it to help ,they are commenting because they are arrogant enough to believe they have the answers and want to feel like they are superior. It is absolutely never truly wanting to help.

I follow a way of eating that has some real single minded extremists and I stay as far from them as possible. What I do worked for me ...great. my choice my body. If anyone asks (they did a lot at one point as I lost 8 stone so it was errr noticeable) I would talk them what I had done and if they were interested in doing it themselves would point them towards reliable (non insane credible sources ) internet sites. I have never ever pushed my views but I have seen many who eat the way I do be disgustingly pushy.

Honestly I would say strict clear boundaries here. People like this are so self involved they won't get a hint. I would actually send a message saying she had massively overstepped and to not bring it up again , that you hadn't asked for her help and her riding roughshod had offended and infantilised you and not to repeat it.

I think this is a really good point. Very few people offer this kind of advice because they mean well, they do it because it makes them feel better than others.

It is the height of rudeness to comment on anyone's weight or appearance. Your friend sounds horrible, and I'm sorry you have had to deal with her deeply insensitive comments.

@Bluntness100

I think she meant well but didn’t realise how sensitive you were to it. Really people should know never to raise this unless the other person does. She clearly was a. It oblivious.

Sensitive to it? Like, sensitive to being on an enormous amount of steroids after a life-changing illness?

God, some posters lack insight, OP.

Your friend is an idiot.

That’s so rude and inappropriate. Weight gain is perfectly normal considering the circumstances and I’m of the opinion that there are times to be kind and comforting to yourself. This definitely sounds like one of those times!

People feel so entitled to comment on others weight and what they should do with themselves. Unsolicited.

@Bluntness100

I think she meant well but didn’t realise how sensitive you were to it. Really people should know never to raise this unless the other person does. She clearly was a. It oblivious.

Sensitive?? OP has just had massive surgery and the medication she now has to take for the rest of her life causes weight gain. It's not sensitive to expect some bloody compassion from a friend. It's not as if OP is oblivious to the fact that she has gained weight. How dare anyone try to give OP diet advice, and then continue to go on about it when asked to stop. That is no friend.

Just for some posters here who seem almost as confused as the friend, the OP HAD AN ORGAN TRANSPLANT.

Your friend was being a total cow. You didn’t hit her so you were definitely not BU.

Sounds like she’s ignorant as pigshit about the topic, combined with a sanctimonious sense of self righteousness. She didn’t mean well—she enjoyed feeling superior.

People who have not struggled with weight have no special secret to share with people who are struggling. It’s as simple as that. Especially when (like in your case) the weight is related to a medical condition.

I'm the opposite and every man and his dog thinks it's fine to suggest high calorie foods and supplements. They are so inconsiderate. Is there a magical weight at which people don't feel the need to comment?

You know @Pumpkinpied its interesting you should say that, we had a very slim woman join our office team - this before lockdown - and we were at a lunch where staff had to select from a buffet. Every single person stood behind her and next to her comment "oo you can have that as you are lovely and slim" "wow I bet you don't have to worry about eating that cake with your figure" and so on. Every item she put on her plate was commented on. I glanced at her face and saw how she was trying to keep her temper she seemed really sad.

It never occurred to me until that moment that a very slim person would encounter constant scrutiny dressed up as compliments. I bet she hated even eating an apple in front of anyone

But anyway, I digress. OP has been seriously ill, she should have to put up with concern trolling too.

@Pumpkinpied

I'm the opposite and every man and his dog thinks it's fine to suggest high calorie foods and supplements. They are so inconsiderate. Is there a magical weight at which people don't feel the need to comment?

No. When I was thin, I got told to eat more and one colleague even asked if I was bulimic. At a work do, I went to the loo and she said “oh, are you throwing that up and having pudding?”

I had a private word with her asking her to stop, next day there was chewing gum on my chair.

It’s the luck of the draw who you meet, I think.

Thanks for the understanding. :)

I do need to lose weight for general health and I am doing it. Maybe it’s not that obvious because I have horrid steroid moon face but I’m fitting into smaller clothes.

I have supportive friends and family so I’ll stick with them. I’m beyond grateful to be alive and on the road to recovery.

@TheFatFriend

Thanks for the understanding. :)

I do need to lose weight for general health and I am doing it. Maybe it’s not that obvious because I have horrid steroid moon face but I’m fitting into smaller clothes.

I have supportive friends and family so I’ll stick with them. I’m beyond grateful to be alive and on the road to recovery.

Perfect attitude. Good job and good luck!

I don't know how steroid swelling works, absolutely no idea, but when my face swells (usually from some face mask I try) I found that frozen (kept in a freezer) jade roller makes it much better. The one with one side smooth and one with teeth. If nothing it's at least nice bit of self care😁

A well meaning person would have said

"Fatfriend I am so glad you are still with us and fighting your way back to recovery after a tough time, what can I do to help? Cleaning, ironing, shopping, even just some books or films to lift your mood?"

This one is not a thoughtful friend, just someone who likes to spout opinions and will stick to them no matter how hurtful or irrelevant to the listener.

I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength OP, take care.

Yep, I agree with others saying MLM. The desperation of MLM bots means they’ll abandon any kind of decency and just read the script until you give in. This sounds very much like that’s what’s coming.

@TheFatFriend

Thanks for the understanding. :)

I do need to lose weight for general health and I am doing it. Maybe it’s not that obvious because I have horrid steroid moon face but I’m fitting into smaller clothes.

I have supportive friends and family so I’ll stick with them. I’m beyond grateful to be alive and on the road to recovery.

I’m glad you have a good support network around you aside from your shitty friend.

Don’t let her get in your head - Be kind to yourself and your body and remember that any weight loss plans you have should be for the benefit of you and you alone, and you get to decide which methods and route you’re most comfortable with. It sounds like you’re on the right track.

@WildUnknown

As an overweight person who has lost A LOT of weight but still has A LOT to lose, I can assure ANYONE who thinks they are "helping" with diet advice; that you might try and justify it to yourself by calling it helpful but you are just being an overbearing condescending twat, and what you are actually doing is making someone feel shamed, uncomfortable and awkward and calling it kindness.

If you have an overweight friend or relative, you are never telling them something they don't know, either about their size, or well known healthy diet advice.

In summary : DON'T BE A TWAT

This and you are not enabling anything by keeping quiet. Leave people alone unless they ask for your help or advice.

Steroids are a bitch OP. I am going through something similar and before this was always fit and in the gym, running, hiking etc., now I have mobility challenges. There is nothing anyone can tell me about a "healthy lifestyle". Some people do well losing weight on diet alone -ineed noth exercise and diet. So my weight will take ages to change relying on diet alone due to it affecting my ability to exercise but I'm making steady progress and okay with that. I'm not okay with people lecturing me on my weight though it is condescending and patronising considering I know my body best and am doing what's best for it. I just ignore and disengage.

Sorry OP

The thing is, all diets come with the proviso that you consult with your GP before embarking on it, including ones that reverse type 2 diabetes, because they don't want people with known medical conditions, that might be adversely effected by the diet, coming to harm.