Friend offended me with diet and weight loss advice - AIBU?

[TheFatFriend]

I was always fit, healthy and a normal weight. I had a sudden illness, spent weeks in intensive care and needed an organ transplant. I am on a huge dose of steroids and I’m bloated like a puffer fish. I was also comfort eating and immobile so I gained lots of weight. I’m still overweight but slowly losing it. My mental health was impacted by the trauma and I’m dealing with all that on top of trying to slowly recover physically.

Had a video call with a long standing friend. She knows the above. Out of the blue, she mentioned a friend has reversed type 2 diabetes with diet and weight loss. She suggested I try the diet to lose weight to help my health. I said thank, that I was healthy eating but I’d be happy to receive any info. It was easier to say that than say I wasn’t interested! She then kept going on about how losing weight will improve my health. It definitely won’t reverse my problems but I let her ramble on. After a while, I said I was getting upset. She continued talking about my weight and how it’s impacting on my health. I abruptly ended the call.

She’s text me a few times. No apology but “sorry but I want to help you improve your health” type of thing. Weight loss and diet won’t reverse my health problem and anyway, I’m doing all that stuff, with medical advice!

I need space, I don’t want to talk right now. AIBU?

Average Joe Pubic doesn't have a clue about steroids. Seeing that, as well as causing a ravenous appetitie, they can cause anger, you have done very well to avoid telling her to f**k off. Sorry you've had to put up with that, unfortunately there may be others too who have no understanding that your weight gain and water retention are a side effect of the meds that are keeping you alive and that steroids are an appetite stimulant making it even harder to manage.

Hope things improve for you soon OP and that they can get you on to a non-steroid immune suppression when safe.

She clearly has no idea what she’s talking about. Ignore her.

My sister has had an organ transplant and I can tell you no amount of diet will shift the "moon face' from steroids and the water retention, some relatives have been just as insensitive as your friend! Honestly OP, well done on you for surviving this year and all the trauma AND pushing through. Your weight is NOTHING in comparison to what your body is battling and your mind every day. One thing that does help is when you're a few year out post transplant, speak to your team about how it is bothering you, some anti-rejection drugs are worse than others and sometimes they can reduce your steroids to help. Just keep active, health is so much more than size, take yourself for walks if you can, and appreciate everything you can do in the day that you couldn't pre-transplant. You're a rockstar, and your friend is an arse. I'd link her to articles about steroid weight gain and how it is ESSENTIAL to keep you alive. Excess weight does come with health problems, but speak to your transplant team, they can refer you to a dietician, and the dietician my sister saw was incredible. Never, ever did she pick on her for being "morbidly obese", she really became like a therapist and motivated her and worked with her. Your team can also look at drug changes that may help your mood as anti-rejection drugs can be a bugger for depression. I'm here if you ever want a chat, she's now 19 year post double lung transplant and all I can say is do not give up hope and remember how incredible you are every single day please!

That would be the end of the friendship for me - I would feel no guilt in not making contact ever again and ignoring any contact they tried unless it was a genuine apology.

I get how you feel - the amount of times people have told me about my Crohns being stress related or how a high-fibre diet is the best for health - err, that would be a no for me on both counts, thanks. I’ll carry on being so laid back I’m horizontal whilst eating my carb-loaded diet and let the hugely expensive drugs fight the autoimmune condition I’ve inherited from my granny.

time4anothername

“ Average Joe Pubic doesn't have a clue about steroids”

But it’s not hard for so called friends to look it up.

Meanwhile, I have had a boss be very grateful for my proof reading skills for the reason in your line 😂 not laughing at you, it just reminded me of it - nearly went in a big presentation!

@ZzzMarchhare

Some people who have always had good health think that it is all their own amazing work rather than pot luck. She can’t deal with the fact that life can and is turned upside down with no warning so she was trying to make it your fault by putting on weight. Sounds harsh but had similar when I had a similar experience.

Absolutely. I had the same from a 'friend'. I didn't know her very well, we'd only met a few times through a parent group but she never stopped mithering about about me signing up to her 'encouragement group'. Basically she'd set up a business aimed at sharing her superior knowledge of health and wellbeing with those she thought would benefit from it, starting with me. She had no qualifications other than absolute belief in her own wonderfulness.

Wow! Who needs friends like that??!!

I would tell her that although you recognise that she is attempting to help she has gone about it badly and massively over stepped, that she knows little to nothing about your condition or the effects of your medication and that you will be taking the advice of medical professionals on the matter, not friends.

Also tell her you are hurt and do not want to talk, presently.

She's been a dick. Don't make room for her to feel better.

Hope a bit of space helps, OP.x.

It's wonderful news that you received a transplant and you are slowly on the mend. I can't imagine traumatic the whole experience has been for you after you suddenly became so unwell. Steroids are fantastic and awful at the same time.

Ignore your friend, it's very upsetting that she was so insensitive she has clearly been fortunate enough not to have suffered ill health so far in her life.

You sound like you are doing really well, I hope it continues.

It never ceases to amaze me how bloody insensitive people can be.

You're recovering from major surgery and she's banging on about your weight.

Imo two things you should never bring up with people, their weight and their pregnancy. If they want to talk to you about it, they will.

Some people who have always had good health think that it is all their own amazing work rather than pot luck. She can’t deal with the fact that life can and is turned upside down with no warning so she was trying to make it your fault by putting on weight.

100% agree with this!

Leave it to a naturally thin person to think they know absolutely everything about losing weight, even though they've never had to!!

Every single one of them who think saying 'stop eating and get off your arse' is useful need throat punching.

As others have said, it’s one thing to offer advice and help if asked but you didn’t - so she shouldn’t. Also it’s shitty that you made it clear you weren’t comfortable talking about it but she carried on. Even if it had been with good intentions, you wanting to change the subject should’ve been enough to nip it in the bud.

Caring about friends means listening to them and respecting their wishes even if you have a different view. If she cared about you as much as she says, not upsetting her friend would be more important to her than lectures about health.

She sounds absolutely mental. Even if your health problems were a direct result of your weight (and it sounds like they're not), presumably as your friend she knows that your intelligent enough to work out how to manage your weight.

I know how you feel. A friend of mine kept trying to get me to go to Slimming World with her. I hadn't mentioned my weight or wanting to slim. I could do with losing a few pounds but I'm not dangerously overweight. I found it hugely offensive, she wouldn't let it go even after I said I wasn't interested.

She definately sounds like she's trying to sell something.

I once had a woman, a complete stranger, come up to me in the street and try to sell me a diet programme. she's lucky I didn't fucking punch her, i've certainly never forgot.

Good grief, you've been so ill and your friend offers you diet advice? How insensitive (at best).

When did people stop listening in a conversation?
I find everyone around me wants to 'coach' me out of my problems when I just want to offload or have a little moan. They have no qualifications and haven't been asked for advice. I've stopped saying anything other than 'fine' when people ask how I am.

I'm sorry your friend is such a nob!

With friends like that who needs enemies? What an insensitive cow. I would suggest that she reads up on the effect of steroids and educates herself rather than giving you advice you haven't asked for. I have a chronic condition and have lost count of the number of times people have tried to advise me on diet (I am not overweight) and exercise (I am disabled). I shut them down very quickly but it has certainly annoyed me. It's incredible how some people think they are so much more intelligent than those with chronic health conditions and healthcare professionals that treat them that they know more after about 10 minutes of reading up on the subject.

Your friend is fattist. A typical slim person who thinks they know better than someone bigger about how to lose weight and stay slim.

I do understand that your weight problem is due to your health and that once you are able to lose the excess, you will probably be slim permanently.

Your friend, however, is clearly not able to lose her arrogant attitude and lack of empathy. I'd shed the excess weight, e.g. her, and move on. You've seen the real her now. If she can't support you in the hard times, I can't imagine you'll want to regain that friendship later.

I'm sorry but I don't believe people like this mean well at all , that's just what they cry when someone pulls them up on being sanctimonious, controlling and arrogant.

It amazes me that anyone feels they have a right to comment. At most I would listen to my partner if they discussed weight , anyone else is absolutely not doing it to help ,they are commenting because they are arrogant enough to believe they have the answers and want to feel like they are superior. It is absolutely never truly wanting to help.

I follow a way of eating that has some real single minded extremists and I stay as far from them as possible. What I do worked for me ...great. my choice my body. If anyone asks (they did a lot at one point as I lost 8 stone so it was errr noticeable) I would talk them what I had done and if they were interested in doing it themselves would point them towards reliable (non insane credible sources ) internet sites. I have never ever pushed my views but I have seen many who eat the way I do be disgustingly pushy.

Honestly I would say strict clear boundaries here. People like this are so self involved they won't get a hint. I would actually send a message saying she had massively overstepped and to not bring it up again , that you hadn't asked for her help and her riding roughshod had offended and infantilised you and not to repeat it.

Really people should know never to raise this unless the other person does.

yeah... but if they do raise it, the odds are that someone like me will still say the wrong thing. How would I know what the right thing is to say about someone else's size that they don't like. It's their body to have an opinion about, their relationship with food, not my place to have an opinion unless I'm directly affected. Best I can do is listen sympathetically but I admit I won't get very engaged. I don't want to take on someone else's problems at any time, that includes size problems.

I had a so called friend do something similar to me. I'd injured myself badly and had to rest up for months and I put on weight. So called friend had the cheek to tell me I needed to lose the weight and it was shame about my weight gain because I was attractive before! What made it so cheeky was so called friend was two sizes bigger than me! no prizes for guessing why she's an ex friend

OP I agree with previous posters I wouldn't be surprised if your friend recommends some milkshake diet she's promoting. If I was you tell her to mind her own fucking business and keep her opinions to herself from now on. If that doesn't work I'd do it straight back to her and give her a taste of her own medicine people who dish it out don't like getting it back

I'd bin her off tbh. If she's that insensitive now, there's a risk that once you've lost the weight she'll turn into one of those dickheads who tells you that you need to stop losing now because you're looking old/gaunt/ill. Why people think they have e right to comment on other people's bodies is beyond me.

"I’d be happy to receive any info"
"I let her ramble on"
Whatever the situation was, your friend was going on and on about a subject and you, although being upset, didn't let her know this was unwelcome and you allowed and even encouraged her to continue.
She's not a mind reader either in fairness to her.

Here's what your friend would say about the conversation "OP told me to send her more information! She seemed interested in and encouraged about what I was saying....Later on in the call she muttered something about feeling upset and needing to go, then she hung up and I've no idea why she left the call in such a hurry to be honest, maybe her cat needed feeding".

I would be tempted to block their number to be honest.