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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I out of line? Regarding autism

105 replies

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 21:50

My child has recently been diagnosed with autism, it's pretty obvious that he has inherited it from my partner who doesn't have a formal diagnosis but presents as very clearly on the spectrum.

I received a letter today from the paediatricans confirming his diagnosis in writing along with some information sheets.

On one of these sheets there was a paragraph about how siblings of a child with autism have a 1 in 5 chance of having the same condition.

I took this opportunity to tentatively ask my partner whether he has ever considered that his DD (from a previous) relationship may be on the spectrum and explained the statistics. There was a reason I asked, I have long since noticed she has some traits.

He reacted in quite a hostile way, raising his voice and saying "what do you expect me to do about it, I can't force her mum to have her assessed" then went off on a tangent about how he has few rights, not being the resident parent.

I was taken aback and said "hold on, I'm not saying you need to force anybody to assess her, I'm just asking you if you've ever thought it was a possibility"

Cue more ranting from him.

I wondered whether his anger stemmed from guilt but he ruled that out.

There is now a horrible atmosphere.

Was I out of line here?

OP posts:

HotSince63 · 27/11/2020 21:54

Has your partner been involved in the assessments and diagnosis - attended appointments with you and discussed things with the paediatricians?

It's just such a strange reaction.

KittenCalledBob · 27/11/2020 21:54

Could it be that he felt that, by identifying him as the link between your DC and your DSD, both of whom have / might have autism, you were in some 'blaming' him for your DC's condition? As in, you were implying that (to the extent it is hereditary), it comes from him rather than you?

BelfastMaOf2 · 27/11/2020 21:57

@KittenCalledBob

This is pretty much what I was going to say

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 21:59

@HotSince63

Has your partner been involved in the assessments and diagnosis - attended appointments with you and discussed things with the paediatricians?

It's just such a strange reaction.

He has yes.

Our child is three but I've been raising concerns since he was around 12 months old, I appreciate that may sound bonkers but I just knew he was different from early on. He began stimming before his first birthday.

DP was reluctant to entertain the possibility that DS was autistic at the start but as he has grown his behaviours have become blatant and he has learned to accept it (what choice does he have really? It is what it is)

I have brought his DD's traits to his attention before and he brushed me off not wanting to hear it.

The way he spoke to me you would have thought I'd insulted her, I care about her otherwise I'd just keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/11/2020 22:01

I don't think you did anything wrong. I wonder if seeing the diagnosis written down may have been more upsetting than your DP was expecting, and he took his anxiety and sadness out on you. There may also be some feeling of responsibility, but I don't think you would get a good response if you tried to unpick that.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/11/2020 22:02

Autism can be a sensitive subject. Its probable he's thought about the probability of autism being in his genetics and the idea that he has passed it in to both his children. Depending on your thoughts of autism he may feel ashamed or angry at himself for it.

I'm autistic, it comes from my mum, my mum isn't diagnosed, she wint her diagnosed and she didn't want me to be diagnosed because she didn't want something to be "wrong" with me or with her.

Fo us on your own son and not treating his autism as a terrible thing or something to be upset about or ashamed about and give DH time to come to terms with it.

SarahAndQuack · 27/11/2020 22:03

I don't think you were out of line - it's just upsetting and painful to worry about your children, so he was upset. Natural reaction, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't have raised the issue.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/11/2020 22:04

I don't think you were out of line; it was a question you felt you needed to ask and to be honest in a functional marriage or relationship sometimes awkward and uncomfortable conversations have to happen. Let him cool down and then try to talk it through - explain that you weren't intending to hurt or blame him in any way if that's how he felt, and that if/when he's ready you'd like to have a conversation.

It doesn't have to be instant. Let it cool down for a day or two. Be kind to him, and to yourself while you process everything. And accept that as difficult as it might be for you not to discuss this while he's unhappy, there's a strong chance he's already aware and in all probability blaming himself for it and that he may not be willing to have the conversation at all.

Nottherealslimshady · 27/11/2020 22:04

So many typos, hope you can work out what it was meant to say.

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:04

@KittenCalledBob

I don't think so as he would tell you himself that he has autism, just not the formal diagnosis.

He has been looking into it for quite some time now and is open about the fact he fits the criteria, when watching autism focussed documentaries he says it's like listening to people talk about him.

Whether there is some sort of shame under the surface I don't know, but he should know for certain that I don't blame him.

OP posts:

Porridgeoat · 27/11/2020 22:09

Some parents find it hard to process a diagnosis or the possibility their child might need a diagnosis. Lots of different reasons behind this. Might be worth giving it a bit more time and then raising it with him in a different way. Autism appears very different with girls, they are usually later to diagnose as a result

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:09

Apologies if I'm cross posting I'm on my phone and it's quite slow.

I'm very positive about autism, by that I mean I never speak about it as though it's a negative. I've never spoken about (or thought about) it as something anybody should be ashamed of.

OP posts:

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/11/2020 22:10

I think perhaps your timing could have been better - getting the diagnosis in writing is hard enough without adding more into the mix. Maybe it was just too much for him to deal with - the implications, guilt, worries for the future.

Equally I dont think your suggestion is offensive, very reasonable, and is certainly something to bear in mind.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/11/2020 22:10

I think he feels bad and is trying to share the bad feeling. It’s human.

Cam2020 · 27/11/2020 22:10

You didn't do anything wrong, OP, but he probably does feel guilty. Getting a diagnosis is stressful and people react differently (and if your husband has tendencies that are on the spectrum, it might be even more difficult for him to deal with the emotional side of it). He might also feel guilty/powerless to help his daughter if her mother is resistent to assessment.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/11/2020 22:11

As an aside, DS1 is autistic and it is without a doubt passed down from his Dad, who is a lovely human and a great Dad, but it's never been a conversation I've had with Ex. Nor is it something I'd broach because I know he wouldn't respond well. In an ideal world I'd love to have had an open and frank conversation with Ex about it and how his traits impacted upon his childhood, particularly when we were going through diagnosis via CAMHs and it would have helped enormously. However his Dad refused any part of the process and as frustrating as that was, I had to accept what he was comfortable with. Autism is such a challenging subject for so many people.

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:14

Autism appears very different with girls, they are usually later to diagnose as a result

Indeed.

She's 11 now and whilst she's very different to DS (age taken into consideration of course) they do share some behaviours.

Appearing in her own world alot of the time.
Very into lining things up.
Alot of repetition.
She also hand flaps when she's excited (not abnormal by itself but coupled with the other things it is worth noting imo)

Not for one second did I tell him he needs to frog march her into an assessment I just said it's worth keeping an open mind.

OP posts:

LauraMipsum · 27/11/2020 22:16

You weren't out of line.

If he's on the spectrum himself he may overreact to perceived criticism (you ask if his daughter might be autistic, he knows this is possible, he reacts as though you're asking why on earth he isn't supporting his daughter to get an assessment as you've both supported your son and accusing him of being a shit dad for not doing so).

Overreaction to perceived criticism is common to ASD and ADHD and is a particular subsection of it known as RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria).

bitheby · 27/11/2020 22:18

When I was diagnosed at age 40, I rang my parents and my Dad answered the phone. He apologised to me for passing on his "faulty" genes.

This will be emotional for him. He likely suspects that he is and possibly his daughter too but what can he do about it his ex doesn't want to take it further. It's a lot to come to terms with and if he is autistic then this will likely take him longer to process than you.

Mycircusmymonkey · 27/11/2020 22:19

I think it’s more a case of you’re timing being off to be honest. Not sure it needed to be raised at this point.

MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat · 27/11/2020 22:23

I think your timing was perhaps insensitive.

Yes he probably does feel some sort of guilt / sadness / worry mash up, and I think you perhaps could have allowed the dust to settle after DS's diagnosis first.

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:24

He has just text me from downstairs (not uncommon if we've had a disagreement as he finds it easier to put his point across in writing)

"Just adding to earlier, maybe I should spot these things with (DD) but sorry, I don't look for them to notice. I'd rather watch the kids playing and being happy than spend my time analysing them. If she has got it then she has got it, but as far as I'm aware there are no concerns from school so I have no concerns so far"

I want to point out that it's common in girls to mask in school and other social settings, but I'm not going to. I think it's best we end the conversation where it is tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:27

I can understand where you're coming from, those of you who think my timing was insensitive. I'll take note of that.

I will say though that DS' diagnosis didn't come as a shock to either of us, as although DP was reluctant to accept it at first (when I first raised concerns) he has long since come to terms with it. DS attends a special needs nursery and has been having multiple therapies for the best part of a year. The diagnosis was more closure than it was a shock, to either of us.

OP posts:

5zeds · 27/11/2020 22:29

Why are you so invested in her “having it”? Why if you’ve known her for years is it important to you to address it now? How does it help dh? How does it help dsd? How does it help you?

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:35

@5zeds

Why are you so invested in her “having it”? Why if you’ve known her for years is it important to you to address it now? How does it help dh? How does it help dsd? How does it help you?

Because she has been showing signs of anxiety lately, which is also common in girls with ASD.

If the reason for her anxiety is ASD then she deserves to be supported appropriately.

OP posts:

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