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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I out of line? Regarding autism

105 replies

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 21:50

My child has recently been diagnosed with autism, it's pretty obvious that he has inherited it from my partner who doesn't have a formal diagnosis but presents as very clearly on the spectrum.

I received a letter today from the paediatricans confirming his diagnosis in writing along with some information sheets.

On one of these sheets there was a paragraph about how siblings of a child with autism have a 1 in 5 chance of having the same condition.

I took this opportunity to tentatively ask my partner whether he has ever considered that his DD (from a previous) relationship may be on the spectrum and explained the statistics. There was a reason I asked, I have long since noticed she has some traits.

He reacted in quite a hostile way, raising his voice and saying "what do you expect me to do about it, I can't force her mum to have her assessed" then went off on a tangent about how he has few rights, not being the resident parent.

I was taken aback and said "hold on, I'm not saying you need to force anybody to assess her, I'm just asking you if you've ever thought it was a possibility"

Cue more ranting from him.

I wondered whether his anger stemmed from guilt but he ruled that out.

There is now a horrible atmosphere.

Was I out of line here?

OP posts:

Givemeabreak88 · 27/11/2020 22:37

Hmm tbf could it be that he thinks your upset that your dd has autism so now you are saying his daughter must have it as well to make you feel better that it’s not just your child? The timing does seem odd. I do agree with another pp why are you so convinced now that she has it, why not before?

SionnachRua · 27/11/2020 22:40

Absolutely agree with the previous poster. Barring a dripfeed, the kid appears to be getting on fine. Why are you so curious about the idea of her getting a diagnosis?

I think you've brought up a lot of tensions for him here - the new diagnosis, issues with dds mum, dds possible traits. It's a heavy mental load. Stop poking at the issue and let him process it all for a while - may feel like closure to you but perhaps it's resonating a bit differently with him.

Lovemusic33 · 27/11/2020 22:40

I have 2 DD’s with ASD, dh (now ex) would never admit anything was different and when they were diagnosed he was sure it had not come from his side of the family. He had 3 children from a previous marriage and since my DD’s were diagnosed the eldest has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and bi polar, middle child diagnosed with Autsim and his 2 dc going through diagnoses for ASD too, youngest has no diagnosis but their child now showing signs of ASD. Out of his 5 children it’s likely one does not have ASD.

So yea, it’s highly likely that any of his children may have it but it doesn’t mean they necessarily need a diagnosis, it depends how much it effects them. There are many people out there without a diagnosis that probably don’t want to chase one.

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:41

@Givemeabreak88

I'm not upset about DS having autism, I wouldn't change a thing about him.

I have raised it with DP before about DSD having traits and he didn't want to hear it.

I've broached it again now as she's become increasingly anxious. The paperwork that came with DS' letter today felt like it could be an icebreaker of sort, to having the conversation.

I appreciate my timing may have been ill judged.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:43

Just to reiterate I wasn't (and am not) pushing him to get her diagnosed. A diagnosis isn't crucial but any child who is on the spectrum deserves to be supported accordingly, surely.

OP posts:

Givemeabreak88 · 27/11/2020 22:45

Tbh im sure if she was struggling that much her mum would have dealt with it or the school would pick up on it, assuming that hasn’t happened? It does sound a bit like you didn’t want it to just be your child, sorry but that’s how I read it or that perhaps he feels you’re blaming him so I can see why he felt sensitive

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 22:48

@Givemeabreak88

I'm surprised about that as it's absolutely not the case. If that's how he feels then he doesn't know me as much as I felt he did.

OP posts:

bitheby · 27/11/2020 22:50

It's really hard for girls to get diagnosed and they are easily missed. And lots of parents would prefer not to accept that there is something to diagnose.

I think give him some time. At the moment, perhaps it's only the negative side that he's seeing and hearing your probing as a criticism. In time when he realises how a diagnosis opens doors to support, he might see the potential benefits for his daughter too.

Bagadverts · 27/11/2020 22:50

Even if your DP isn’t on MN I don’t think it’s a great idea to post things he has texted to you online verbatim if that is what you’ve done. As you say this sensitive for all of you. Absolutely fine to discuss the issue here and even give the gist but this is putting that text on the internet.

Mycircusmymonkey · 27/11/2020 22:53

Rather than fixating on the possibility of ASD just focus on the anxiety that’s causing her an issue. What is she anxious about and what can be done to help with that?

HallieKnight · 27/11/2020 22:55

I've seen a lot of parents, especially dad's, reject diagnosis, be in denial, be angry and they need time to come around to it. He has just got the diagnosis for 1 kid, let him process and accept that first before you circle round back to this.

VetiverAndLavender · 27/11/2020 22:56

Maybe he found it a little too much pressure at the moment, when he's still absorbing your son's diagnosis. Maybe he feels guilty because there's nothing he can do about it or because if she would have inherited it from him.

I'm not convinced that it's always in people's best interests to be diagnosed, if it's mild. She deserves support whether or not she's autistic, and I'd hope that her family, teachers, etc. are providing that. If not, that needs addressing, but a diagnosis isn't necessarily that important.

5zeds · 27/11/2020 22:58

I have raised it with DP before about DSD having traits and he didn't want to hear it.

So why did you think it needed to be pushed for now and why do you think you know better than her parents who if your observations are correct have raised an autistic child in ms school for 11 years.

Why is the aftermath of your own child’s diagnosis focus on another’s child and her parents behaviour rather than a focus on you and yours and your own experience? I think you are finding this harder than you recognise and would benefit from giving yourself and your dp time to be in this moment.

Givemeabreak88 · 27/11/2020 23:02

Yes I 100% agree with this, since my daughters been diagnosed we’ve had no help at all. It’s made little to no difference, there really isn’t that much support out there and I feel alone with it all. My nephews school mentioned they would like to put him forward for an assessment but he does extremely well academically that she didn’t go through with it as she didn’t want to hold him back.

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 23:05

RE her anxiety, there is no obvious cause and she can't explain why she feels that way.

I won't be mentioning it again though, he doesn't want to hear it and that's his prerogative and for him and his ex to discuss. I'll stay out of it from now on.

RE my own child and his diagnosis, I feel as though I've taken it in my stride so to speak. I'm not struggling with it as I've known for a long time, it comes as no surprise to me.

I'm not projecting anything from DS' situation onto DSD although after reading all of the replies I can understand why somebody might think that was the case.

OP posts:

saraclara · 27/11/2020 23:15

Your timing was awful. He'd just had to come to terms with his son's diagnosis, and then you drop a bombshell that his daughter might have it too?

My stomach would do a loop of you did that to me. She's not your daughter so you're removed from the emotion regarding her. You were just mildly interested. But can you just empathise for a moment? To him it was another punch in the gut. You just doubled his worry and anxiety with one question.

PonderingPeggy · 27/11/2020 23:16

I know that when you go through the process of trying to get a diagnosis for your child, your 'autism radar' tends to pick up all kinds of traits and behaviours in other people.

Thing is, it's really not the done thing to actually tell people that you think their child is on the spectrum. If they ask you for your opinion then by all means tell them what you think but any more than that is stepping over the line.

You meant well but it was too much - especially as the diagnosis letter had just arrived. It's one thing to know that your child has autism, but it's another to see it in black and white.

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 23:24

Posters above, you do raise valid points.

It was never my intention to upset or worry him but I can see why I may have done, now I've listened to alternative POV's.

I won't mention it to him again.

OP posts:

Knittedfairies · 27/11/2020 23:24

It's not an easy thing to realise, or accept, that you are responsible for passing on a condition/syndrome to your child that many consider to be a negative.

Original poster

Wellthatsmetold · 27/11/2020 23:28

I know that when you go through the process of trying to get a diagnosis for your child, your 'autism radar' tends to pick up all kinds of traits and behaviours in other people

That's %100 spot on.

After navigating the process with DS I've realised that a few people I've known (and still do) have strong traits, but it never occurred to me to approach them about it.

With DSD it didn't occur in the moment that I was over stepping the mark as I have a good relationship with her and DP has always encouraged that. I don't see her as "just his kid" I see her as part of my family too.

I'm not opposed to admitting when I'm wrong and after some reconsideration I do think I was wrong this evening.

OP posts:

cansu · 27/11/2020 23:38

I think that if you have a child with autism, you are very sensitive to the possibility that another of your children could also be affected. For your partner, he has a child who he has thus far not had to worry about. To suggest that he should now worry and confront the possibility that his daughter is affected is probably too upsetting. He also feels that as she has got this far without it being raised by school or anyone else that there is little to be gained by doing so as it would undoubtedly cause a great deal of upset. You haven't done anything wrong, but you do need to step back from pushing this as it doesn't help that much at all. I should also say that you need to maybe seek support for yourself. I have two children with ASD and an autistic partner who found it completely impossible to be supportive of me. It was a pretty awful time.

Titsywoo · 27/11/2020 23:42

When my son was diagnosed with autism I was really angry. I struggled to believe it and remember having a conversation with a friend about how it didn't make sense and was actually shaking with emotion. It can be a difficult thing to work through when it is your child and he may feel angry at himself. I wouldn't take it to heart. He may need to talk things through in time but maybe with someone not so close - a counsellor possibly.

mumwon · 27/11/2020 23:46

ASD isn't always a blank negative - in many cases although there maybe hurdles with varying degrees of support dc within spectrum have the potential to live good lives & surprise you. I hope things are like that for you. & your little one. For some their eventual success can be - well great.
However life can be more stressful for them & people within the spectrum are more likely to have mental health issues because of stress
I agree with many pp that fathers can find it hard to accept if their dc have MH or ASD or other issues & can go into denial. In your dh case its the realization of how his little ones life is going to be & at the moment the thought of his dd facing the same thing & the implication that it could be his "fault" (it isn't as my dh says we all inherit things from our parents - good & bad & complex)

Titsywoo · 27/11/2020 23:51

@mumwon

ASD isn't always a blank negative - in many cases although there maybe hurdles with varying degrees of support dc within spectrum have the potential to live good lives & surprise you. I hope things are like that for you. & your little one. For some their eventual success can be - well great. However life can be more stressful for them & people within the spectrum are more likely to have mental health issues because of stress I agree with many pp that fathers can find it hard to accept if their dc have MH or ASD or other issues & can go into denial. In your dh case its the realization of how his little ones life is going to be & at the moment the thought of his dd facing the same thing & the implication that it could be his "fault" (it isn't as my dh says we all inherit things from our parents - good & bad & complex)

I agree. Although it was a shock to me and his early primary years were tricky, my son is a teen now and no different to anyone else really apart from the odd quirk (but doesn't everyone have those!). He is massively social, happy at school, really funny and very clever (if a bit lazy!). My DH is also on the spectrum I think (and his father before him) but both are very happy and successful - again just quirky personalities. I appreciate some find life more difficult with various co-morbidities but autism seems to have a very negative reputation that is unfounded really.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/11/2020 00:03

My Ds is 13 . Diagnosed with Asd this year. He didn’t score on the sterotypical part of Asd . Honestly despite knowing for months it was coming it hit me like a sledgehammer.

It took me a while to accept it understand it .

I delayed assessment because He had a diagnosis of dysgraphia and ADHD , I didn’t have the energy to go through the process of another assessment straight away. He may feel the same.

He has heard you - I think now is the time to leave him with how he feels.

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