To think this is the problem

[Ohalrightthen]

This came up in conversation with a friend today, and it's something i see all the time on here too...

Difficult teen causing lots of heartache and disruption at home, poor boundaries and tonnes of attitude - someone asks the parent what their childhood was like, what discipline/consequences/quality time they had, etc, because to be perfectly honest it is very very rare that a child with issues like that occurs out of the blue.

And every time, the parent says "I've got XX number of other children and they aren't like this, they were all raised exactly the same way!"

To me, this sounds like it's probably part of the problem. All kids are different, some have different needs to others, and applying a "one size fits all" approach to parenting is bound to have kids falling through the cracks with needs unmet.

My parents had two very different children, who they raised in two according styles, based on what worked for us. If i had been parented the way they parented my sister, i absolutely would have been defiant and angry and intransigent, and vice versa!

Oh goodie, a sanctimonious parenting expert. Please tell us all when your book it out. I imagine it's called 'How You're All Doing It Wrong, Based On What I Done Read On The Mumsnet'.

While I'd agree you need to adapt your parenting for different kids some kids are just harder to manage than others. Their needs might not be obvious. They may have undiagnosed issues, they may just be more sensitive or naturally aggresive. Yes some parents are shit but I try not to judge because I don't know if I'd be a perfect parent if I had a really tricky child.

@BrumBoo

Oh goodie, a sanctimonious parenting expert. Please tell us all when your book it out. I imagine it's called 'How You're All Doing It Wrong, Based On What I Done Read On The Mumsnet'.

Not an expert, nor claiming to be. Just a bit taken aback by how many people seem to follow the same cast-iron set of parenting techniques that worked for child 1, regardless of who child 2 actually is as a person! I've seen a lot of it, and it does really baffle me, especially when people persist even though it clearly isnt working. I hear a lot that 'i have to do XXX with DC2 because i do it with DC1 so otherwise it wouldn't be fair.'

@IMNOTSHOUTING

While I'd agree you need to adapt your parenting for different kids some kids are just harder to manage than others. Their needs might not be obvious. They may have undiagnosed issues, they may just be more sensitive or naturally aggresive. Yes some parents are shit but I try not to judge because I don't know if I'd be a perfect parent if I had a really tricky child.

Yeah i absolutely agree with that - that's kinda my point, if you've got a child with additional needs, or just more needs, or a different temperament, doing "exactly the same as i did with my other children" isn't going to do anyone any favours.

There is actually a body of evidence backing up your point that children in the same home do not have the same childhood and will be affected differently by their environment and their parents' behaviour according to their own personality and needs.

When parents fail to adapt their own style to their individual children it can result in emotionally neglected, traumatised children (and then adults).

But people will get defensive about your post.

When I say body of evidence, I don't mean anecdotes I mean scientific research.

This is an interesting and thought provoking point, I imagine most parents do adapt their parenting in this way without really even thinking about it but it's a useful reminder.

I think placement within the family can also mean that children have a very different life experience within the same family.

@mbosnz

I think placement within the family can also mean that children have a very different life experience within the same family.

Yep totally with you on this.

But parents are people too, with their own personalities and strengths. Whilst a good parent might try to adapt some strategies, 'parent' is a noun as well as a verb. You don't just 'do' parenting, you are a parent and a strong or more passive or introvert or extrovert or outdoorsy or bookish, or patient or impatient, laid back or stressy person can only be a certain range of parent. It's unreasonable to expect someone to completely turn themselves inside out.

And every time, the parent says "I've got XX number of other children and they aren't like this, they were all raised exactly the same way!"

I always took this as a bit of a figure of speech tbh

I think i agree. I have a friend who is very controlling and super organised and is generally amazing. She puts me to shame. Huge whiteboard in the kitchen with a columns 'to do/in progress/complete' for the family. She has two lovely kids. The youngest DD can be a bit of a handful. Really spirited and sometimes spills over into anger and violence and swearing. And as an outsider i do wonder if my friends own personality makes her want to structure and routine and discipline her daughter out of bad behaviour. And i wonder if all the rules and structure dont suit her daughter and thats why she acts up. If a different way would somehow suit her better. DS is v compliant and no bother.

My niece and nephew were totally different. My dsis worked really hard to understand my niece who was , frankly, a very challenging child from very young. In her case the only thing that made any difference for my niece was becoming an independent adult, so her teens were very difficult.
She just didn’t like any rules at all.
It was little to do with parenting and mostly to do with personality.
She is now a wonderful adult.

Absolutely parents are people too. They're the people that got to choose to bring their kids into the world. They're the adults, with the capacity to observe, reflect, adapt, to educate themselves, and with full control of all the resources.

Our children, especially when they are little, are very much at our mercy.

But you don’t wake up every day and decide to be the parent you are. You just ARE.
Children are all different, and you learn as you go on , but you will always be good in some areas and fail in others.

But I think all parents do adapt their parenting styles, whether they intended to (or realise it) or not. That’s why you get “favourites”, “golden children”, “black sheep”, “scapegoats”. Children are also treated differently depending on where they fall in the birth order.

Basically, anyone who says “I raised all my kids exactly the same way” is deluded.

I think some people are a bit 'well this is who I am, this is how I parent, and if you don't like it, you can do the other thing' - fair enough I suppose, but if they have a child that doesn't respond well to their way of parenting, and don't actually seek out and try alternatives, then to me, that's on them. It's very much 'we've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas'. . .

Of course there's no middle ground between 'this is my parenting, suck it up' and losing yourself in bending to the needs of the child?? Can we not agree that there's nuance here, and neither would be right? I am all for appreciating a child's individual needs but people do not get some magic power at 18 that allows them, as adults, to morph and control every aspect of their personality into what is needed.

@RickOShay

But you don’t wake up every day and decide to be the parent you are. You just ARE. Children are all different, and you learn as you go on , but you will always be good in some areas and fail in others.

I don't agree with that, or at least that isn't true of myself or the majority of my friends - a lot of thought has gone into how i want to parent, what techniques i use, what my priorities are, the hills i choose to die on and the things i let slip, these aren't just things I'm making up as i go along, theyre conscious and considered choices that are the result of lots of conversation between parents! And i think that's pretty normal.

As PP said, when someone says they've raised them all the same, it's just a figure of speech. It's a shorthand way of saying - I did my best with what had available to me - it worked for my other kids but not this one.

I think a bit of compassion would be the appropriate response to someone struggling with a teen.

I think most parents are doing the best they can with no textbook or crystal ball to tell them what to expect and how to handle it. There are no perfect methods, there are no perfect parents (even you aren’t perfect, I hate to break it to you OP) and there are no perfect kids, there are just a lot of people trying hard and hoping they’ve done a good enough job.

Op I completely agree with you.
My parents did not treat us all the same.
Equally kindly ,but not the same. Because we were 5 very different children

I don’t know why people are being so snarky about this

@Timshortforthalia

As PP said, when someone says they've raised them all the same, it's just a figure of speech. It's a shorthand way of saying - I did my best with what had available to me - it worked for my other kids but not this one.

I think a bit of compassion would be the appropriate response to someone struggling with a teen.

But if it wasn't working for the child infront of you, surely you then do something else? Rather than continuing as you were on the logic that it worked for your others? That's what I don't get.

I really disagree. I haven't 'put a lot of thought into it' or read lots of parenting books. I DID,(and do) from the time of pregnancy onward, spend a lot of time on here getting a cross-section of opinion and experiences which I have taken on board, but parenting is not a project, in fact I dislike the idea of parenting as a verb at all. You ARE a parent, and most of us try to do the best we can alongside work, elderly parents and whatever else. Children are people and will become adults in a few short years who can the make their own choices and decisions. I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea that parenting is the make or break of the next generation. They also have their own agency.

@Smallsteps88

I think most parents are doing the best they can with no textbook or crystal ball to tell them what to expect and how to handle it. There are no perfect methods, there are no perfect parents (even you aren’t perfect, I hate to break it to you OP) and there are no perfect kids, there are just a lot of people trying hard and hoping they’ve done a good enough job.

This.