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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know if I want children?

29 replies

Dannyandsandy · 27/11/2020 04:52

I’m 26. In a relationship of 1.5 years. My boyfriend 100% does not want children. He’s 34 and has definitely made up his mind. At the moment, I don’t think I want them but who’s knows in the future? I’m unsure whether to break up with him because I love him but I sometimes feel as though I am delaying an inevitable break up if I do change my mind about having them? has anyone here had kids after being undecided about them?

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 27/11/2020 06:39

My husband did. I always knew I wanted kids, he wasn’t so certain.

But given he’s 8 years older, I think he’s had a long time to get certain, and you have a long time to find someone else.

It’s hard to say.

ColdCottage · 27/11/2020 06:44

I wanted children when I was younger but by late 20's I wasn't sure as I loved my child free life with my husband.

By 32 I decided that I needed to have a child with my husband as I wasn't sure but I'd married him with him understanding we would have children.

I was so worried during my pregnancy that if I hated it I'd lose my husband as she would obs stay with the child. I think that was the hormones as I love being a mother and now have two children.

26 is still quite young to know for sure. You are an exciting time in your life with work/career and usually seeing friends lots and travelling.

Twizbe · 27/11/2020 06:50

In my experience, men in their mid 30s who don't want kids date women in their mid 20s because they know they won't get any pressure for a few years.

justanotherneighinparadise · 27/11/2020 07:00

I suspect he’ll change his mind in his forties.

flaviaritt · 27/11/2020 07:02

justanotherneighinparadise

But by then the OP will be well into her thirties, and it might be too late for her to plan the family she wants.

I think she would be totally reasonable after 18 months to say they’ll go their separate ways because he is committed to no kids and she isn’t.

Mindymomo · 27/11/2020 07:04

Neither of us was bothered about having children or even getting married. We had been together since I was 16. But then we decided to get married, I was 29 and straightaway after something changed and we felt ready to have children.

fandemic · 27/11/2020 07:13

I had my kids after being undecided about them. I never got that craving for them. But I did have a background worry that if I didn't have them, I might start really really wanting them when it was getting too late. As it happened, I got pregnant with my daughter unexpectedly and was delighted, and then my son was planned. Just sharing my experience here because you asked for it - I'm not suggesting that you ought or ought not to have children. Have you had an honest talk with your partner about this? I think that there's a sense in which, if you stay with him, it doesn't really matter whether or not you have kids - this is clearly an issue that is troubling you, and you might stay with him, not have kids, and later on wonder what life might have looked like if you'd been with a partner who did want kids. It sounds like having the option is important to you, even if ultimately you decide against having kids. So, that might be a reason not to invest in this particular relationship. On the other hand, you're very young - though I know that you probably don't see it that way ;) I was 33 when I first got pregnant. Most of my friends with kids were in their 30s when they first got pregnant. It's not just my circle, either - my midwife told me that she sees very few women in their 20s. She said that a few of her patients are in their teens with unplanned pregnancies, but the vast majority are 30+. Very few in their 20s. And 30 is still not 'late' to get pregnant. So, perhaps you could afford to wait a while. The relationship might not last more than a few years anyway, and a lot might happen in those few years. If you're stil with this guy by the time you're 33 or 34, you'll be in a good place to decide whether he's worth sticking with despite not wanting kids or whether you need to move on. And in that time, he might change his mind, or you might decide you don't want kids after all. I wouldn't be panicking about this at your age :)

Backbee · 27/11/2020 07:14

Firstly OP, good for you for respecting what he is telling you, there are quite often threads where people wait for their partners to change their minds, even though they've been honest about not wanting them. As for how you feel about it, it's hard to know isn't it. I know what you mean, you aren't sure but this is a definite no and it's scary to feel you have no choice as it's been made for you. What you do next only you can decide, there's no guarantee you will meet someone else who wants children, although odds are you will; but if you love him, and you decide you don't want them, will you regret leaving him? Unfortunately there's no answer or advice really aside from whatever you do is a leap of faith, if you are unsure though and it's not a firm no, I would take that as a sign to find someone who is more open to it.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 27/11/2020 07:16

I suspect he’ll change his mind in his forties.

Please, never EVER assume that people will change their minds.

OP, if your partner says he doesn’t want kids, take him at his word.

TheDetectiveBadge · 27/11/2020 07:22

I think it's fair to make having children a dealbreaker. It sounds as though you want at least the option of kids in the future, which you wouldn't have with this man. Let's face it, you do only have a short window in the grand scheme of things in which to try for a baby, so someone who's not on the same page is an issue. At 26 I thought children would be far in my future- broodiness struck at 28 and by 29 I'd had my first. Things can change quickly!

Seatime · 27/11/2020 07:59

You only have 10 years before your fertility becomes reduced. You are wise to think this through now. If you want children, you need to find a fella in the next 4 years who wants the same.

Indecisivelurcher · 27/11/2020 08:03

It's a stereotypical but you might change your mind when your body clock starts ticking a bit louder. Just personally I didn't want kids at 26. Fairly adamant about it. I did at 30. I'm 38 and sat on mn while 6yo & 3yo watch cbeebies...

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/11/2020 08:07

Truthfully, when a woman starts ruminating on "Hmm, do I want children? I'm not sure..." then they do.

If your DP is stating clearly that he does not want children (which is perfectly reasonable) then it would be better to explain that you are not on the same page and move on now rather than in 10 years time.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/11/2020 08:16

I think its perfectly normal for a 26 year old woman not to know if she wants children. I didn't really know I wanted them until I was in my mid 30s.

That said, you don't have the luxury of being able to hang around indefinitely so I wouldn't count on your OH "coming around" to it because he may well not do.

I think if you think there's any likelihood of your wanting children you have to take him at his word and assume he definitely doesn't want them. If this means splitting up you may need to do this.

sar302 · 27/11/2020 08:28

I was ambivalent until I actually got pregnant at 32. In fact I was fairly ambivalent throughout the pregnancy! But I wouldn't be without DS now.

But being ambivalent and being really sure you don't want a child are two very different things. He's laid his cards out. You have to assume he won't change his mind. That means if you stay with him you have to assume you will never have children. Really thing about that.

WeAllHaveWings · 27/11/2020 08:40

At 26 I thought I would probably have children at some point but wasn't bothered either way if it happened or not. In my early 30s I was surprised by the yearning for children.

You don't want to hit your early 30s and suddenly find yourself in the position of wanting children and being with a partner who doesn't.

It is a really tough one if you don't have a strong feeling you definitely never want children too.

Aozora13 · 27/11/2020 08:48

I definitely didn’t want children until my late 20s when I vaguely did in a hypothetical way. It wasn’t until I was in EPU with an unplanned pregnancy, terrified I was going to lose the baby, that I was sure, aged 34. Currently ttc DC3...

My DH definitely didn’t want children until his late 30s when he had a complete change of lifestyle - like a reverse midlife crisis where he stopped going clubbing and starting looking for a wife! We met when he was 38 and he’s currently a SAHD.

So in answer to your question yes people do change their minds but I wouldn’t bank on it.

Panticus · 27/11/2020 10:03

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Truthfully, when a woman starts ruminating on "Hmm, do I want children? I'm not sure..." then they do.

If your DP is stating clearly that he does not want children (which is perfectly reasonable) then it would be better to explain that you are not on the same page and move on now rather than in 10 years time.

I don't think that's necessarily true. I posted a similar thread about "being on the fence" a couple of years ago. I think in hindsight I wasn't on the fence at all - I'd just become a bit of a victim to societal expectations. I've since settled on being childfree and am very comfortable in my decision - it was just a bit of a hiccup along the way. Good luck OP - there are so many good threads on MN about the decision to have kids v not have kids.
formerbabe · 27/11/2020 10:06

Move on...you're not sure but if you stay with him then you have no wriggle room to change your mind.

nosswith · 27/11/2020 10:07

I have no children, I am a man. By the time I was in my late twenties I had the view I did not want children, and my view has not changed over 20 years later. I was probably in my early thirties when I told my parents.

Skysblue · 27/11/2020 10:09

Your call but I would end the relationship.

Children are awesome 🥰

zigaziga · 27/11/2020 10:10

I think it’s great that you’re thinking about this now anyway, whatever the outcome.

Some people seem to manage to get married without thinking about this issue. One of my friends wanted children and was married to a man who didn’t. They just hadn’t had the conversation or they had and ignored it.

SoloJazz · 27/11/2020 10:14

I was never sure if I wanted children/responsibility of bringing them up etc. I got pregnant and had my baby boy at 41 and I now regret not having children much earlier. I'd like another one but I'm not sure I'll be able to have one more child due to my age.

I can't describe the love I feel for my little boy, I'd never thought I could feel this way. It's something I wouldn't trade for anything.

DrDetriment · 27/11/2020 10:15

If you are in any way undecided then don't have them. You can't put them back!

Gah81 · 27/11/2020 10:23

I agree with Panticus. I was "unsure" for many years until being with someone who absolutely definitely wanted children helped crystallize my decision. I had to break up with him as I knew then that I - despite everyone just assuming I would get married and have kids etc etc all my life - didn't want any and never really had. It is hard when marriage and kids is just expected from/assumed of you practically from the day you start understanding language and living in the world.

Now mid 30s and with a DH who also doesn't want children (though I do live in fear of him changing his mind over next few years).

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