To think ds doesn't have an eating disorder - or does he?

[looseddaughter]

He's 11 and has always been skinny - unlike ds2 who I described as 'sturdy' when he was younger little. He's slim now but always fills out a bit before a growth spurt, while ds2 just grows steadily and never fills out. His ribs have always been visible but I must admit recently more of his bones are more prominent on his frame. He wears clothes in his age range and they fit well. His face isn't gaunt and he has a lot of energy.

He has always been quite a fussy eater when compared to ds1, who will pretty much eat anything. Ds2 likes pasta of most kinds, can be fussy about the type of bread he'll eat and leave crusts etc. Loves all fruit and limited veg. Loves the usual sweets/crisps, and likes crackers. I would say his eating has got more fussy lately and it's not unusual for him to leave most of his packed lunch, even if I know it's items he likes.

He can be fussy about eating dinner, but then often I put it down to him having crackers, cuppa-soups, fruit etc before tea. Even meals he likes (beige teas, minced beef based meals or pasta) he'll often leave a fair bit but I tend to give portions of the same size for all of us. Can usually be relied upon to eat fruit with yoghurt after. Always has cereal for breakfast with fruit and has 2 weetbix - always eaten.

Ex and I are divorced and ex is a vegan (but eats fish) who does a lot of home-cooking and bread-baking, a lot of which ds has told me he doesn't like and won't eat. In the past ds has been upset by ex's family calling him skinny and lately it seems to be coming more from ex himself. I tend to think ex should cater more for ds's likes, even if they're irritating to him.

Tonight ds2 rang me in tears as ex has told him he's anorexic. I'm livid - surely you shouldn't say that to a child? Apparently tea was a homemade pizza with anchovies, wihich ex knows ds won't eat! Why?? He loves pizza - why not just leave it with cheese?

Now ex has texted me saying he's worried about ds2 as he's 'painfully thin' and 'hardly eats with [him]' and we should see someone?

What do I reply? I admit I have noticed him being pickier and a bit thinner than he was, but I also think ex seems to make no attempt whatsoever to cater to his tastes, which doesn't help.

Any advice would be great - I'm churning here.

First of all I’d determine whether he is underweight or not.

Have a look at his height and weight on here and see if they are roughly the same centile.

www.rcpch.ac.uk/resources/uk-who-growth-charts-2-18-years

Kids are supposed to be skinny. DS, vegetarian as are we, is nearly 21 and wears hard-to-find 26" trousers or 28" with a belt. He has a good appetite, but stops when he's full. That's normal.

I agree with people that is hard to know without knowing your son. I know someone with anorexia since 12. She is small, but not like obvious anorexic. However, she still hasn't got her period, and has stayed a whole year in hospital. So looks are not alwys the most important thing.
I would be lpaying attention to his behaviour around food. Do you feel like he is over controlling intake? What happens if you do serve a cheese pizza? Does he eat one slice and stops, or gobbles up loads?

My Ds1 has always been very slim and a fussy eater. I very occasionally cook something separate for him (if we have curry) but generally I make food for us all that he would eat or which is easily adapted eg. Pasta sauce with tuna, I'll take some sauce out before adding the tuna. I try to keep food nutritious and lots of hidden veg. He likes peanut butter and a few veg but probably only hits 2-3 veg a day. There is no way he'd eat an anchovie!! I would be livid if anyone I knew called ds anorexic to their face. If there were genuine concerns they should be dealt with properly. Also if your ds is 11 has he just started secondary school? My ds loses appetite when stressed. I try not to make a big deal and it tends to come and go. It is a natural response to stress. My ds is now 15, appetite better than it's ever been but still only eats the same as his 12yo brother (sometimes less). My younger son is super skinny but ears waaaaaay more than Ds1! My Ds1 does get weighed by asthma nurse and has always been at the low end of normal but fine. I would take your dc to doc mostly to put his mind at rest. Also check if anything is stressing him out.

ex mil called ds1 fat on Christmas day when he was 3
What else has been said to your DS, or what else could he have heard? Has your DS has got it in to his head that he is fat? People rarely realise that children absorb and remember negative comments.
If your ex is concerned, and even you feel he is more picky/slimmer than normal, than surely you'll have him checked out even if just for peace of mind. You can then discuss food options for when he is with your ex

I should have added, I know the fat comment wasn't made to DS2, but given this is the nature of his family, could they have said things to DS2, or he thought they meant him etc...

Op what’s his height and weight please.

I’m a bit dismayed with people saying this child is a healthy weight when they have no information .

His eating habits don’t sound good snd his father is concerned. He is dropping weight and leaving his lunches. How much weight has he lost?

Op, from what I’m reading, he has breakfast, often skips lunch, them has a cup of soup and a cracker and doesn’t really eat his dinner, proclaiming to be full and he’s loosing weight.

I see something to be concerned about there

It sounds more as though your son tends towards ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder); I'm not saying he has it, but perhaps shows traits. Basically it means that your DS will only eat food he likes, and would rather starve than eat something he doesn't. I have a child like this - we just give her food she'll eat, and she's a healthy weight. But it's very much not the same as anorexia (for DD, it's the texture that's critical), and usually starts much younger. Does this tally with your experience at all?

I don't weigh my children and don't own scales so I can't know how much he's lost, if any. I think he's kind of bonier, but that's only noticeable when he's undressed. His feet have grown and he's taller than, I don't know, 6 months ago.

I'll definitely stop buying cuppa soups - only started as they were eating all the fruit and I was worried about their teeth. I'll take him to get checked too - I know his BMI was checked at school last year and we were told they would only contact us if there was a problem, and they didn't, but that was a while ago so it might have changed.

I see red flags as the mum of a child recovering from anorexia. He isn't eating enough by the sound of it which can change brain chemistry and lead to an ED. Everyone has to eat and a boy of 11 needs a lot of fuel.

This could be anorexia, it’s got all the hall marks. He eats bus breakfast, starves himself all day. Then eats something very low calorie, a cup of soup ans some crackers and then tries to refuse his dinner, preferring to eat the low calorie stuff

So the only meal he has is breakfast. That’s why he’s loosing weight. He’s not eating.

could he be anaemic? My boy gets this on and off, is like a beanpole, and the usual signs of it creeping up and him needing some iron fro m the doctor are a decreasing apetite, a narrowing into very very plain food and tiredness.
may be worth a blood test just to check him out. Mines in next month for one and is 14 1/2, so think puberty and growth spurt have taken it out of him a bit

@Bluntness100

Op, from what I’m reading, he has breakfast, often skips lunch, them has a cup of soup and a cracker and doesn’t really eat his dinner, proclaiming to be full and he’s loosing weight.

I see something to be concerned about there

God that looks awful... I'd say maybe twice a week he'll leave a lot of his lunch but the other days he eats all or most - this is school days. At weekends with me (alternate) he always eats lunch - something on toast or proper soup and fruit. Dinner is hit and miss - a bit like the school lunch, but at mine he always eats, say, at least half of an adult-sized portion and other times eats it all. About 50/50.

Ok but that’s not how you portrayed it in your op. You said he was often leaving lunch and most of his dinner. It’s hard to comment if it changes really op.

Please stop with the “he only looks thin because of obesity” nonsense. We have a long history of anorexia in my family, plus several members who have the sort of pickiness often associated with autism. A child being underweight is dangerous. It can even be worse than a child being overweight. I’m guessing the people dismissing his weight have never had to bring their child to the doctor for daily weight checks or been advised on adding butter, cream, and even chocolate to meals.

Op, I’m not an expert, but he doesn’t sound anorexic to me. He is picky. One thing that helps with extremely picky eaters is to look at having a good diet over the course of the week instead of at a single meal. There should also always be at least one thing on the table you know they can eat, even as you push to try new foods.

I would speak to your GP and if they aren’t prepared to deal with this issue, seek an appointment with a nutritionist who specializes in picky eaters. Once you have a relationship with them, either present the information learned to your ex or bring your ex in for an appointment to learn how to feed his own child.

Focusing on healthy food for a healthy body is useful. Commenting on a child’s body in a negative way is only damaging.

I am no specialist, but it seems to me that if it was fussyness, he would eat well when it is something he likes. So you could try making only things he likes and see if he eats well. A growing 11 year boy should be having close to an adult portion.
If he still restricts and make excuses I would have him checked. As others said, you don't want to get to the point where his brain thinks this is more than ehough food, if you see what I mean.

It's not changing - I'm very worried and don't want to minimise. I said in the OP he often left tea - which isn't a contradiction of 50/50, and it's not unusual for him to leave packed lunch - I don't think that contradicts twice a week? I'm getting more anxious and just trying to get it straight in my own mind, not trying to annoy you.

I think you framed it as him deliberately starving himself and doing that every day, which I don't think is what' happening, but I don't want to brush it off in case there is a problem. He'll often asks for snacks/crackers/fruit just before bed too, which is bloody annoying. The post about AFRID (not heard of it before) rang true. I don't think he is aware of calories/wanting to lose weight, but I definitely think he'd rather not eat than eat something he doesn't like.

You need to weigh him

Op the only way to deal with it is to watch what he is eating. You need to drop quite a lot of weight for it to be noticeable. He isn’t eating properly and his father is articulating concern. A cup of soup ans some crackers shouldn’t stop him eating dinner

Bottom line is if he’s loosing weight then he’s not eating enough. You need to understand why he’s not eating enough.

I can’t possibly know, and nobody will be able to judge on the internet whether he has eating issues or not. However, as someone who had anorexia in my early teens and started having issues with food at your sons age, his behaviours sound very very familiar to me and could be techniques to avoid or restrict eating.
I feel like my mother could have written something very similar when I was 11 and whilst I didn’t have anorexia then, I had disordered eating patterns developing.
Sometimes people with eating disorders aren’t even fully consciously aware that they are doing this as it becomes instinctive to self justify why you can’t eat a specific thing.
Please keep a careful eye on this and an open mind to all possibilities. I hope you are both ok.

Bluntness, I'm not sure why you keep saying 'his father is concerned..' as if that's the benchmark of everything. He's not concerned enough not to plaster a pizza with fish, which he knows ds hates, is he?

Anyway, I will definitely watch this and see our GP. I can buy scales and measure him tomorrow, though I still won't know how much weight he's lost but it will give me an indication of his BMI. Don't want to freak him out though...

@looseddaughter

Bluntness, I'm not sure why you keep saying 'his father is concerned..' as if that's the benchmark of everything. He's not concerned enough not to plaster a pizza with fish, which he knows ds hates, is he?

Anyway, I will definitely watch this and see our GP. I can buy scales and measure him tomorrow, though I still won't know how much weight he's lost but it will give me an indication of his BMI. Don't want to freak him out though...

Maybe do it all of you? Say that you would liek to keep track just in case or something. Don't single him out. Everyone measures and weights

Only a trained health professional who sees your DS in person will be able to give you the advice you need. No harm in being cautious regarding MH at the moment, it’s been a really difficult year for a lot of people, children included. It sounds like you’re doing a good job as a parent to pick up on this and be concerned.

Op I’m not the enemy here, seriously. 💐