Do you think a 6 year old needs to know he has autism (and be taught about it)

[Dolmiofordays]

YABU - no, he doesn't need to know he has it.

YANBU - of course he should.

Feel free to give your reasons why, either way.

I always wonder what on earth people tell their children when they go to these appointments

I told him that we know he finds some things more difficult than the other children at school so we needed to go to see a doctor who would talk to him and see what he can do so they can give us some ideas of how the teachers can help him better at school.

@LoislovesStewie

BTW, I drew a tree, one of those with sticks to depict the branches and twigs. I told him that his brain was like the tree but some of the twigs weren't connected and that is why his thinking was different. He understood that.

That is barf. You drew a defective tree with branches that don't connect?! That's a very ableist way to describe neurodiversity to a child.

My son was diagnosed aged 5 with ASD and ADHD. He only really knew from 7. I’ve never sat him down to have a serious conversation about it. His ADHD diagnosis came up when we were reading a captain underpants book together and his ASD diagnosis during autism awareness week at his special school. He came home and said to me “did you know that I am autistic?” I replied that I did know that and he then asked me what was for tea. No big drama. If there had been I would have managed it, but it’s only a part of who he is, it doesn’t define him as a person.

I'm autistic and same as other pps, my life would have been a lot easier if I'd known this early on. I don't know if this applies to your nephew (or gypsywater's db), but I've known a couple of parents who have been really reluctant to either get diagnosis for their dc or to tell the dc because they appeared to be functioning well and they didn't want to make their child feel different. What I'd say to that, from my own experience, is that appearing to function and fit into neurotypical life is very different from actually fitting in. It is really draining and stressful trying to fit in, so don't ever think that it's better for an autisitic child to believe they are 'normal'. They will almost certainly know there is something 'odd' about them, and keeping their diagnosis from them is taking away information that will help them understand themselves, and possibly reduce their stress considerably.

He should know.

It's been liberating for my ds to known he's autistic. He understands his brain works differently. I've been very conscious of making sure he knows it's different and not wrong and it's nit a negative thing.

But him understanding he's not weird has really helped his confidence.

Although I think it helped ds had already figured it out for himself.

When we were waiting at camhs for assessment he read a board on explaining asd and just looked at me and said "I think I have that"

@LoislovesStewie

BTW, I drew a tree, one of those with sticks to depict the branches and twigs. I told him that his brain was like the tree but some of the twigs weren't connected and that is why his thinking was different. He understood that.

You basically told your child they were broken.

@gypsywater
how do we tell DB at 33?! He will be so pissed off now we didnt tell him as a child. They live in fear of him requesting his medical records from GP for a job or something!

That's beyond appalling. They really need to sort this out and soon. They have treated his medical dx as something to be ashamed of, something to be hidden away. Did they think if he didn't know then he's somehow grow up NT? Poor, poor man.

Here are some rhetorical questions for you to reflect on.

How is he coping in the NT world workwise, working relationships wise and 1to1 relationship wise?

If he has the stereotypical male presentation and works for a tech firm or in academia or other career where it's almost more geared-up for autistics, he may be having a great life and not need any interventions because he's chosen a path that is very accepting of autistic people.

Similarly, if he's in a long term relationship with someone who understands him and caters for his differences, again it won't be impacting his life adversely, so he could be oblivious but happy.

However, if he's constantly feeling anxious (like an alien has been a common analogy) and is now resigned or depressed because no matter what he does either workwise or careerwise, he feels as though he's from another planet. Everyone else knows how to notice and interpret a shrug or sarcastic voice or a complement that's really an insult but he doesn't, he takes everything at face value and often finds himself a target for ridicule and being ripped off. No-one else will need to decompress after a minor social event, no-one else will be so irritated by something that they could literally scream or run away, but he might.

He'll never know WHY people treat him badly until he's told it's because of his neurodiversity. Until it's explained to him that NT people use a completely different way of communicating and how they do that, so he can understand, or ask for things to be presented in a way he does understand.

Does he have children? If he does, there's a possibility one or more could be autistic and he could discover his own autism if they were diagnosed. Many parents of children being diagnosed at the moment have thought 'wait a minute, that's me they are describing' when answering questionnaires at assessment interviews. Many parents don't recognise autism in their own children because it's the parent's 'ordinary' to behave in the same way their child does.

OR, it's always possible he's realised he's a different thinker and he's looked up the way he sees the world online and found the AQ test and thought, oh yes, that's me, no point in pursuing a diagnosis because all is fine.

OR, he'll have tactless colleagues who will outright ask him if he's autistic there and then when he's done something they think could suggest that. Do they have a nickname for him like 'wiki' or 'Robot' or 'Mr Spock'(Star Trek) or 'Sheldon'(Cooper).

@BlankTimes
Oh I know! I cant get my head around it to be honest. They feel like how can they tell him now after having not told him before. Like how would it even be brought up now and they anticipate that he would be furious with them and that their relationship could be damaged beyond all repair. Theyve even shredded the assessment summaries (from the diagnosis many moons ago) in case he found them when they die!
He isnt in a relationship. Had a relationship for 6 months or so when he was about 18 but nothing since. Has a good job. Does very well with that. Own house. Earns well. Lots of problems with friendships and I think is isolated and lonely. I also find it difficult that I know and he doesnt, if that makes sense. Feels quite wrong. They wonder whether he knows anyway what with it being fairly commonly spoken about on TV and things and him being bright and interested in reading up ok various topics. Any advice most welcome!

@tradescantia
That was exactly the reason as I understand. One parent very keen to tell DB. The other insistent that he was never told as didnt want to make him "labelled" and fear he would be bullied if he then told all of his classmates. So the teachers knew and he had extra help in the classroom. But it was never communicated to the pupils. I was sworn to secrecy and the only person I've ever told is my partner! Even that made me feel guilty that he knows and my DB doesnt! Nightmare.

Ps my partner said "well of course" when I told him about the ASD. He said it is very obvious.

I know it's not my place to tell her how to parent and I wouldn't dream of it, I was just wondering what other people thought and how they'd handle it if it was their child - as it's the opposite approach to the one I've taken with my own children.

I have an autistic child myself who is younger than Dnephew, he was diagnosed at the end of October. We've been talking about autism in our house for quite some time even prior to dx as we knew it was coming. It is my aim that DS never sees it as something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

Like a PP mentioned, we also say it's his 'superpower' which I think is a nice (ok maybe cringe to some) way of explaining it to little children.

It's called "weaponised autism" to DS which he thinks is cool

It never crossed my mind to withhold the information from DS or anybody else as I think it's important he knows who he is and can understand why he finds some things difficult / is brilliant at other things.

Yes. We told our DS once he was diagnosed - he was 5. We just explained it meant his brain worked differently from some other people and that there was nothing wrong with being different and that we loved him.

It was very casual and he has accepted it easily. I’m sure we’ll have some issues at some point but for now he’s fine. He is very high functioning though, lots of the classic issues aren’t present and he manages fine in mainstream school without much additional support.

My son was diagnosed at 6 and now at 8, he knows, but we never made a big deal of it. Just read a couple of books together and said everyone's brain works a bit differently and his is more like this, which sometimes means xyz. Also mentioned autistic people who have achieved great things (he's interested in history so I told him about Alan Turing), again in quite a casual way really, not trying to say he has to be some kind of genius but just showing that looking at things in a different way can be a really good thing.

I recommend "All Cats Have Autism", very cute and 'relatable'.

DS1 is 8 and has Asperger's/level 1 autism. I bought him some age-appropriate reading and had a chat with him about some of the advantages/difficulties of living with Asperger's.

He only listened to the advantages and is convinced he has superpowers. I've had to gently explain that he might struggle with certain aspects of life more than other people but he's not having any of it.

I've resolved to keep the conversation going and buy him lots of books. He also has social/communication help at school so I guess has opportunities to discuss things there.

@Mabelface

As someone who has only recently been diagnosed at the age of 50, if I'd known from being a child my life would have been much easier than spending years just thinking I'm shit at life.

This. So much this. Much better to have a reason than to think you are a failure because you can’t learn to think/behave/react/understand the world the way everyone else does.

It is incredibly important that children are given the tools they need to understand themselves and the world they will grow up to live in.

I have seen lives completely turned around by a diagnosis of ASD (and subsequent self-identifying). I am also watching a car crash of a family refuse to tell their son (nearly 9) that he has this diagnosis.... as he slides into deep depression and anxiety.

Yes, tell it in an appropriate way for whatever chronological/emotional/intellectual age your child is... but TELL THEM.

My 7 year old son recently received a diagnosis of mild autism. We currently have no intention of telling him for a number of reasons.

Firstly I'm not sure I accept the diagnosis. I disagree with a lot of elements of the final report.

Secondly the only help he gets from the school at the moment is one movement break a day - this is to help with emotional regulation. He enjoys it and hasn't questioned it yet - if he did I'd say its because he sometimes gets a bit grumpy if he doesn't get enough exercise and so it's good to take a break from the classroom to get fresh air. I stay in close contact with the school.

Thirdly I don't want people to judge him or see him differently. I don't want him to think of himself as different (which he doesn't currently). He used to be quite badly behaved at times but has improved massively in the last two to three years. If he were to behave badly now I don't want him to use his 'mild autism' as an excuse.

It would be a different story for a child with moderate or severe autism. But in a case of mild autism it is not straightforward whether or not a child should be told. My son can communicate well with his classmates, he doesn't have any sensory issues and his speech has improved massively. At this time he does not need to know the experts think he has autism. Obviously my husband and I would discuss it in future if his autism became more 'evident'. We'll wait and see..

And at his assessment I told him he was there because his speech and language had been slow when he was 3, 4 years old and they wanted to see how well he had come on.

@sosotired1 I 100% agree. My DB has definitely struggled with depression and low self esteem.

Why wouldn't you tell a child something so important about themselves. Not telling them just encourages them to think there is something going wrong with them and encourage them to mask symptoms.

I wouldn't hide it or lie about it but at the same time my autistic 6 year old is utterly oblivious still. She wouldn't have any concept of what I'm telling her.

Just keep it positive and simple.

@Sailorsgirl44
I can understand all of those points. It will be on his medical records though - what if he accessed those in the future? This is what my parents are now terrified of. What if he sees the GP copy letters.

My 8 year old got diagnosed at 6 and we told him. It was more a conversation around everyone us different and that’s what makes us all special. We kept it simple and focused on all the positives though did have the odd chat about why noise and smells bothered him when his classmates were not bothered by them. He just accepts it as part of him.

For those who have told their children, what have you told them about telling other children at school?