To not do things traditionally...

[unplugged]

Hi all,

My fiancé and I are trying to conceive currently. We have been engaged for nearly 2 years, had our wedding planned for this summer but it was sadly cancelled, and we haven't yet had the chance to reschedule as we don't know when we will be able to have the wedding we dream of.

We have considered having a small registry office wedding followed by a large party to celebrate next summer, but we aren't sure we want o compromise when we had the wedding of our dreams booked and it was all exactly how we imagined.. I'm not sure. Having our family there is so important and I have a divided but large family, and couldn't have 15 as I would be missing out many vital people.

I don't know what to do. I always thought I wanted to do things traditionally and get married first, but we have wanted children for many years and have concerns that we may not be the most fertile of couples.. (DP's fertility) so we are potentially going to be watching the clock.

What would you do? I'm open to ideas, I just want to do what's right for us. I'm more concerned about the older more traditional members of my family being disappointed the we did things the wrong way around. Xx

Thanks for any guidance in advance xx

Have a tiny wedding just you too and witnesses. Then crack on with trying to conceive. Have a big blessing and party when restrictions are lifted.

Two obviously 🙄

@Justmuddlingalong lovely idea thank you! I've got my dress already and am so desperate to have my special day to wear it! It seems a shame seeing it hanging there. Xx

Just do whatever you want. It's not the 1950s.

@DressingGownofDoom very true! :)

In your place I would get married (perhaps with all the parents there if that's an option), TTC, and plan a lovely big party later on. I would not personally TTC without being married first, and nor would I put off TTC until I could have the big wedding, especially as there is no way of knowing for certain when you will be able to hold it.

I'd have a small wedding. Hard to justify spending money on something like a big wedding when you have a child.

Might be able to better answer if you’d put your ages in your OP.

At this point I wouldn’t wait, because you just don’t know. I’m 34 and got pregnant first go. We lost that at 9 weeks. Took 3 months to get my period back. Conceived again two months later- chemical pregnancy. So even though I can seemingly get pregnant okay, we are 6/7 months in and no baby yet. I know that’s not long compared to some couples at all but it’s frustrating to find yourself right back at the start and half a year has elapsed.

If I’d known, which of course you can’t, we’d have started trying much sooner.

Do exactly what suits you.

Tradition is a load of guff. All traditions were new at some point.

The older people who might be disappointed won’t be the ones raising your children and if they really are distraught they can watch a black and white movie to give themselves some warm and fuzzies.

FWIW, I would make the tiny wedding as lovely as possible, and think of the party as "stage 2" of the celebrations.

Depending on age is crack on with ttc, nothing is traditional in this landscape I really wouldn't get hung up on tradition.

Thanks all - I'm 25 and my partner is 29 x

Have a registry office with 2 witnesses and full wedding later, we had a church blessing and many of our guests didn't know we had already got married as it was just the same as a wedding except the register signing bit.

Similar situation for me...we should have got married in June and we always planned to start TTC immediately after. I came off the pill end of last year in preparation.

DH was struggling to enjoy sex with condoms so that was a massive issue for us. So when June came and went and we still had no idea what to do about the wedding, we decided we would stop using anything and see what happens. We had no idea how long it would take for me to get pregnant and didn't want to delay it any longer - I'm 33, DH is 41.

I ended up getting pregnant really quickly, so we went ahead with a micro wedding a couple of months later whilst I could still fit into my dress!

Being completely honest, I know part of me will be gutted I never had that big wedding I dreamed of and we were planning, but our micro wedding day with 15 people was still such an amazing day and completely exceeded my expectations! If I wasn't pregnant, I suspect we would still be waiting for a chance to have our big wedding next year, but now I'm glad we're moving on with our lives rather than living in the limbo stage you're in now.

@MsHedgehog what will your DP do once the baby is born? He’ll have to use condoms again or have a vasectomy!

Sorry DH

3 years ago, my sister had to get married in a hurry (USA visa / job reasons). she had a tiny registry office wedding in regular clothes.

6 months later she had the 'real' wedding with the dress & dinner & dancing etc. everyone treated that as the proper wedding, the only difference was that the paperwork was already signed.

so doing a small legal wedding now does not rule out doing a big family wedding party with your dress etc next summer.

The idea of a) taking chances with your fertility or b) not forming a legal partnership with your unborn baby's father for the sake of risking upsetting some relatives over a party is, in my opinion, insane. Get married now, crack on with your plans to conceive and have a celebration with your family down the line. Anyone who is upset about your choice does not have your best interests at heart.

Just you guys go somewhere nice and get it done.

Throw a massive piss up at some point later.

@Smallsteps88

I'm happy to go back on the pill when I can, but until then, it's back to condoms!

I have said long term, he will need to look into the snip! I'm pretty sure it's a mental block he has rather than a physical one, but he was never able to, err, complete with a condom!

Yeah he’ll need to address that issue. He can’t expect you to be solely responsible for contraception.

I know three people who had big weddings planned and all have gone ahead with much much smaller weddings and they all went off beautifully. They have been lovely small elegant weddings by all accounts but I know none of them regret going ahead with them .

I think I'd ttc if it were me. I wouldn't compromise on a wedding if you had your dream one booked for the sake of being married beforehand.

The only gain I can see about being married beforehand is the protection otherwise there is really no need.

I actually did marry first as that's something we both wanted and obviously were able to have the wedding we wanted at the time but it then took 1.5 years to have our first dc. You never know what would happen so knowing that now I wouldn't put off ttc.

Sorry over 2 years it took in the end, which isn't long compared to some, but long when you want a child x