To not do things traditionally...

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Hi all,

My fiancé and I are trying to conceive currently. We have been engaged for nearly 2 years, had our wedding planned for this summer but it was sadly cancelled, and we haven't yet had the chance to reschedule as we don't know when we will be able to have the wedding we dream of.

We have considered having a small registry office wedding followed by a large party to celebrate next summer, but we aren't sure we want o compromise when we had the wedding of our dreams booked and it was all exactly how we imagined.. I'm not sure. Having our family there is so important and I have a divided but large family, and couldn't have 15 as I would be missing out many vital people.

I don't know what to do. I always thought I wanted to do things traditionally and get married first, but we have wanted children for many years and have concerns that we may not be the most fertile of couples.. (DP's fertility) so we are potentially going to be watching the clock.

What would you do? I'm open to ideas, I just want to do what's right for us. I'm more concerned about the older more traditional members of my family being disappointed the we did things the wrong way around. Xx

With the current pandemic, I would get married first with a very intimate wedding, and plan a big party and the real wedding later.

You can't even plan a decent honeymoon at the moment, so

Many big weddings of last year have been rebooked already for next year. Adding to the weddings being booked normally, it will be really difficult to find available venues and everything, especially in summer 2021 (and non one knows about possible restrictions).

Not worth being upset or stress about , that's why I would go micro-wedding for now.

@cheeseismydownfall

The idea of a) taking chances with your fertility or b) not forming a legal partnership with your unborn baby's father for the sake of risking upsetting some relatives over a party is, in my opinion, insane. Get married now, crack on with your plans to conceive and have a celebration with your family down the line. Anyone who is upset about your choice does not have your best interests at heart.

This, absolutely.

Just get married. We had two witnesses and didn't take any photographs (maybe one? If so, I have no clue where it is), and have never had a moment's regret.

I always thought I wanted to do things traditionally and get married first

The reason that's tradition is because you weren't supposed to have sex before you got married. You're already not doing things traditionally.

Your ages alone wouldn't be a cause for concern re: fertility. Have you a specific reason to be concerned about your fiance's?

Potentially depends on how financially equal you are. If equal I'd say don't get married until later and ttc now. I got pregnant unplanned, so we are now engaged and have a 14 month old. I now earn more than DP although we're both comfortable, so although I really want to have everyone have the same name, I think we'll wait for a few years before getting married. I want a special wedding and think it would be difficult to justify a big celebration if we'd already got married in a small ceremony if you get what I mean. We've done things in a completely mad order but it's all coming together :)

If you want to be married, get married and do it before a baby. For no other reason than it saves you some paperwork. If you have a baby now and then get married you have to reregister the child.

A big wedding is fun, but it's a lot less fun if you have a little one in tow. It will change the dynamic of the day and you'd have to hope someone would help you out with baby. My friends had no one willing to have their son overnight on their wedding night ...

We had our wedding planned for this year too... but we decided to have a very different but still lovely day in August this year, so we could have 30 guests. It was wonderful. Not what we’d planned, but really lovely, and I’m so glad we did it.

We had planned to TTC this year but I’ve passed through a Zika country, so we’ve got a bit of a wait...

If you want to be married first, I’d do a small ceremony now. If you don’t mind, I’d TTC, but keep in mind that you’ll need to behave like a partner and not a wife until the legal protections are in place.

I’d 100% recommend a smaller wedding though. We had people we were sure would be a nightmare about it but they weren’t, everyone has been so happy, and it was a wonderful day.

@cheeseismydownfall

The idea of a) taking chances with your fertility or b) not forming a legal partnership with your unborn baby's father for the sake of risking upsetting some relatives over a party is, in my opinion, insane. Get married now, crack on with your plans to conceive and have a celebration with your family down the line. Anyone who is upset about your choice does not have your best interests at heart.

This.

I’m a very cynical pragmatist but no way would I plan a baby without being married. Makes you too vulnerable.

Get married at a registration office (there is no such thing as a registry office) and then crack on with TTC. You’ll then go back to the registration office to register the birth of your child.

Big parties are all well and good, but if you want a family that money can probably be better used elsewhere.

Thanks all - I'm 25 and my partner is 29

I was expecting you to be mid 30's with the whole rush to conceive! Is there a reason you think your DP has fertility issues?

Have a small wedding if you really want to be married for ttc, then have a massive christening a when baby comes along. Or just get married after baby.

Dont put off ttc. Heartache if it doesnt happen the way you want or in the timeframe you want is much worse than the heartache over not having the wedding you want or elderly relatives disapproval

We got engaged and even though we could have got married the following year I still didn’t want to wait that long to have a baby so we started trying straight after getting engaged. I think my mum and older members of our family were surprised we didn’t wait but I can’t say I really cared what they thought. We got married when DD was 11 months old and it was amazing; we were lucky that family had her on our wedding night though as not all people have that.

At 25, I would hold off and get married first.

your dress won't fit post baby.

I would get married first, lots of reasons, but partly practical, no kids means it is your day 100%
you are better legally and financially having kids as a married couple.

Forget the dream wedding. In the war lots of women got married in tiny rushed weddings, those photos now are pretty special as they tell a story of a time and a place.

Your small wedding will tell a story and be part of your family's history.
have a big summer party 2022 for the celebration part. Lots of people will, 'second' weddings are goign to be a really big thing!

I honestly can’t imagine being bothered about being married before kids (I wasn’t) but if it matters to you, then the first suggestion from @Justmuddlingalong is the best.

just get married tbh!

Your big dream wedding is just one day - it goes so fast and it's just over like that!! waiting and waiting for it is not a great idea - who knows when that will be

I would totally just have a small ceremony - crack on with ttc!!

Nothing stopping you having a massive celebration in a few years - you can even renew your vows if you want it to seem like a more traditional wedding!

If you'd rather wait then do - but don't wait to have the baby

Your dress might very well still fit lol
I would get married now for the security/to protect you and then do a wedding whenever we are allowed big weddings again - which might not be for a while.
TTC In the middle If you want to

Another one saying get married quietly then you and baby are protected if you plan to reduce your hours or be a SAHM for a time.
You can then have your dream day at a later date.
Do not leave yourself potentially financially disadvantaged for a day or for other people’s opinions. As a pp has said you shouldn’t be having sex with him if you want to be traditional !
It really should be about the marriage not the wedding day.

@Smallsteps88

Do exactly what suits you.

Tradition is a load of guff. All traditions were new at some point.

The older people who might be disappointed won’t be the ones raising your children and if they really are distraught they can watch a black and white movie to give themselves some warm and fuzzies.

That might be the case but legally marriage offers a woman who potentially will lose significant earnings through being the primary caregiver, a level of protection

So actually it's a pragmatic and sensible move not a traditional one

All valid points @Veterinari, but my comment was solely in response to the pressure Op feels from family to be traditional. From that perspective tradition for traditions sake counts for nothing.