To think we should tell the truth?

[LieOrNoLie]

Our cat has gone missing (it's been over a week now).

Even worse is the children are due here at weekend and they absolutely adore him and will be gutted. There will be lots of tears I know.

My husband doesn't want to tell them and instead thinks we should lie and say we've rehomed him somewhere like a farm with fields etc...

I think we should tell them the truth.

Firstly because they'll question why we've given their cat away and we'll be the terrible ones. And secondly, because I think they are old enough to know that sometimes these things happen and it's rubbish and sad but we shouldn't hide it from them either. They are 9&11.

And thirdly of course, he still might come back!!

YABU - lie to save them the upset of thinking he's ran away/something bad might have happened.

YANBU - tell them the truth, they are old enough to know. Which is that he is missing and we are trying to find him but that might not be possible.

[knittingaddict]

Too soft is one thing, but how is it better to say that you've given away a family pet. He's a fool.

[DontGoIntoTheLongGrass]

Is it usual of the cat to go missing like this? If not I'd be putting notes through people's doors asking them to check their sheds, garages and other outhouses. Our cats have gone missing before and got stuck in garages and such and once we put notes through they turn up again. People won't be using their outhouses now it's getting colder so cat may be stuck for a long time.

[AlternativePerspective]

Um, this is weird enough to have me wondering whether he actually has either rehomed the cat behind your back or whether he maybe ran it over/found it dead and is lying to you about it as well...

Saying that the cat was rehomed implies that he knows it’s not coming back.

I would be suspicious of him.

[ThatDamnScientist]

Had they been younger, I would have said lie. We have told our 5 year old that the hamster is currently travelling the world on an adventure 🙈

Unfortunately, I think at 11 and 9 they will be able to figure out that you are lying. I think you will have to be honest.

Hope kitty turns up

[NiceGerbil]

Why on earth does your OH want to tell the kids that he randomly gave the cat away? That's bizarre.

Or does he want to say you, OP, have the cat away?!

Of course tell them the cats missing. In the end no one knows what's happened. And you are upset too so you'd have to pretend to be all happy. No that's a terrible idea.

[TheOrigRights]

99% think YANBU. You just need to show him that result.

I really don't think a 9 yo would believe the farm story, never mind the 11 yo

[Procrastination4]

Please don’t tell your children that you’ve given the cat away. That’s just cruel, and will make it entirely your fault that they don’t have their cat. If you tell them the truth, they won’t be blaming you for their sadness. There’s always a chance that he’ll turn up, as well. When I was about 10, our ginger Tom cat went missing for over a year. He turned up, much slimmer than when he’d left, but other than that, none the worse for wear. We recognised him immediately because he had a little scar on his nose from when he’d been dumped in the rose bushes in our front garden by some horrible “person” as a kitten. That cat certainly had nine lives! He never went wandering again (just usual jaunts) and died many years later at a ripe old age in his sleep.

[NiceGerbil]

Good point re how does he know cat won't come back?

[gobbynorthernbird]

Your DH is being ridiculous. The farm story has the double whammy of the DC being sad that they no longer have their pet, as well being upset that you and DH given their pet away.

[MrsVogon]

Don't bloody lie! Tell the truth!

[Waspnest]

What on earth is your DH thinking?! The DC will surely be devastated that their DF gave away their beloved cat. An absolutely batshit idea.

[MyNameIsArthur]

Tell them the truth. They'll be sad and upset but they will soon get over it. I think they would be upset and angry with you and their dad if you said you had rehomed them

[TheWernethWife]

Your DH is a bloody knobhead - don't get dragged into this farce of his.

[PrawnofthePatriarchy]

DSD's mum actually did rehome her pet when she was at school and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it scarred her for life (she's 30+ now).

Tell the children the truth. Far less damaging.

[Dobbyismyfavourite]

Your DH is mad. Seriously never lie to children, economical with the truth - yes. As hard as it will be it is best that they deal with loss through a pet. So much harder when they experience loss of a DGP or worse! Your DSC need to be allowed to express sadness and grief as these are very real emotions and they need to learn how to handle them and ultimately move on, in time. Good luck OP.

[AcornAutumn]

@AlternativePerspective

Um, this is weird enough to have me wondering whether he actually has either rehomed the cat behind your back or whether he maybe ran it over/found it dead and is lying to you about it as well...

Saying that the cat was rehomed implies that he knows it’s not coming back.

I would be suspicious of him.

Ohhhhh

Yes. I think this too now.

[Fairyliz]

Tell them the truth. Yes they will feel sad and probably cry but they can then learn to manage these feelings with your support.
If they never learn about loss and death as a child how will they cope as an adult?

[AryaStarkWolf]

Tell the truth definitely

[Bluetrews25]

This is one time where you might do well to show him this thread.
Totally bonkers.
Part of being a parent is teaching your DCs how to be adults, how to behave, how to deal with emotions.
Lying to them will not achieve this.
Children do not appreciate that their parents - the ones they are meant to be able to trust and rely on beyond anyone else - have lied to them.
DCs need the truth, told in an age-appropriate way.

If they'll believe the 'farm' story, what is he going to say when they cry and plead to go and get DCat back? Or go for a visit to say goodbye? Or ask the new owners to send you a photo? Or ask why he gave their beloved DCat away?

Hope DCat comes back before he tells them it's gone to live on a farm with Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.

[Derbee]

Your husband is an idiot. How is it less traumatic for children to think their pet has been willingly given away by their dad?

[Seaglad]

I'm astonished that some responses say "well yes, if they were younger you should lie". I've always seen it as part of learning to live with death (or in this case, not knowing what's happened but the likelihood is...) and makes it easier to cope with grieving later in life.

Although, in our experience of a cat dying when our kids were 2 and 6, neither was that unhappy - the 6 year old knew to be sad, but instantly reminded me it was their friend's birthday in 10 days, and the 2 year old enjoyed the funeral so much (we drew pictures, had an order of service with drawing and a poem ) that she wished our other cat would die too...

Tell the truth, so they can trust you.

[Thelnebriati]

Your husbands misguided attempts to be kind will leave the kids with no sense of closure. Death is a natural part of life, and we need to model how to deal with it.
He needs to step up to his adult, parental responsibilities. Parents who lie about the mythical pet farm are only being kind to themselves.

(Except if he has got rid of the cat, he needs to tell you and get therapy. Because that would be borderline abusive behaviour to all of you, the cat included.)

[79andnotout]

Tell them the truth! My mother told me our cat got caught in a mink trap and was severed in half. It traumatised me. I found out years later she had just had it put down at the vets as she couldn't be bothered with it anymore. I loved that cat. My mother is evil. I was 9. I still remember it as clear as day.

[speakout]

I think honesty is best.

My mother did the opposite to me as a child- she let me think the cat had gone missing, but she had in fact re-homed it.
It was a horrible and confusing time.

[whiteonesugar]

Kids aren't stupid. Your DH on the other hand.....

All jokes aside you need to tell them the truth. I dont understand people who dont just be honest about stuff like this, it leads to older children or teenagers, or even young adults being completely baffled when faced with the real world!