Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

[HoppingPavlova]

I would give a hard stare that lasted too long and then say something along the lines of you've been thinking long and hard on it and can't work out why they are so invested in anyone in this manner and end it with 'Are you okay'? , followed by another long stare. I find it you make someone else uncomfortable in return they will never bother you again .

[Gooseybby]

I favour the 'this is the 3rd time this week, are you ok hun?' and head tilt option. She's being super rude, and dull, and tacky.

I think she feels insecure about something somewhere down the line.

[HoppingPavlova]

I will add that anywhere under 35yo I would have thought someone had gone mad if they suggested this to me. I had no reproductive issues I knew of (certainly was not trying at that age), I just would have thought it was really odd as it was the last thing on my mind.

[stripey1]

YANBU, go to your manager.

To cope on the spot, "Why do you ask?" has long been a favourite response of mine to nosy/pressuring 'questions'. Or something random like exclaiming "There's a question.", and then asking a completely different question back either about work or a different topic. With any unsolicited 'advice' like "you should...", "you want to..." I would simply quote back "you think I should!" or "you think I want to." or "you think you know what I want to do" in a slightly amused tone. All with the overall attitude that her comments are odd, out of place, and you are way above getting drawn into giving her any information or feelings or even considering her opinion. Then again change the topic or walk away and get your mind back on work or something positive. I hope she gets over herself, this must be horrible for you.

[2GinOrNot2Gin]

Urghhhh I had this after I got married. Id known for a long time I couldn't have children naturally.. the second I was married the none stop questions started when it became irritating I simply said something along the lines of 'I'm infertile actually but thank you for your daily reminders of my childlessness'
I was never asked again, she isn't going to stop unless you stop her. You don't need to share all the details of it and if she's that insensitive and choses to probe and ask questions just say It's very personal I don't wish to discuss it. She won't ask again.

[GailsPlait]

@HoppingPavlova

I will add that anywhere under 35yo I would have thought someone had gone mad if they suggested this to me. I had no reproductive issues I knew of (certainly was not trying at that age), I just would have thought it was really odd as it was the last thing on my mind.

When I was 19 I was told repeatedly by a man I worked with that I'd etter get a move on or I'd be all dried up. At 19!

[HotelliFinlandia]

Definitely don't tell her or hint in any way that you're going to report, because she then has the option of getting to HR/line manager first and crying.

I'd say something like "I'm not sure what my womb has to do with my job?" Head tilt.

And I'd write a list of what she's been saying - EVERY comment - and either email it to HR/manager or meet with them and give it to them. Make sure she has no idea you're doing this. And tell them that you're trying to not let it affect your work but you find it extremely inappropriate and while initially you let it slide, you are now being affected. And you're telling them because you don't want to say anything that will upset her as she's pregnant.

If the person you're reporting to doesn't seem to take it seriously then I'd mention that this is sex discrimination because she wouldn't be saying it to a man.

You don't need to tell them why you're being affected btw. But anybody who isn't entirely obtuse will know that these statements are highly problematic for many women for many different reasons, even women with children.

[oakleaffy]

@Thirtyflippingone

She sounds absolutely vile.

Poor kid, having a bully like that as a 'mother'.

DEFINITELY report it.

A wonderful {young} woman I knew said she was unable to have children after a health event.

For all this wretched colleague knows, people she taunts and bullies may also be unable to have children or not want them.

I'm fuming on your behalf.

Please report the ghastly woman.

[CJsGoldfish]

If it was me next time she said something I'd pull out a giant notebook to document it for your manager, write it down and then put the notebook away. If she asks what you're doing, pull the giant notebook back out write it down and put it away again

There are some really dumb suggestions on here

Why does everything have to be such a drama? Why not just tell her to stop asking/commenting because it's not something you wish to discuss with her or whatever reason you want to give, or not give.
If it persists, go to your manager/HR

It's not bullying or even harrassment if the OP is 'laughing off' the comments.

[adropnotabit]

@Worriedaboutcovid19

Id turn this around on her.

"Are you actually happy being pregnant?"

Her: yes?!

"Oh right, you just go on about others not being pregnant or not having kids so it must be on your mind quite a bit? Its normal to have second thoughts. Im here if you need to talk" concerned face

Watch her suddenly become defensive. She'll end up displaying the reaction she wants from you!

I actually think she's insecure about her choice and is projecting onto you to give herself validation!

Love it!

[GailsPlait]

@CJsGoldfish

If it was me next time she said something I'd pull out a giant notebook to document it for your manager, write it down and then put the notebook away. If she asks what you're doing, pull the giant notebook back out write it down and put it away again

There are some really dumb suggestions on here

Why does everything have to be such a drama? Why not just tell her to stop asking/commenting because it's not something you wish to discuss with her or whatever reason you want to give, or not give.
If it persists, go to your manager/HR

It's not bullying or even harrassment if the OP is 'laughing off' the comments.

OP said she doesn't want to say anything to her directly and it needs to be documented or hr can't do anything.

[Yeahnahmum]

Dont talk to your manager
Talk to HER
Next time she brings it you tell her to hold her horses and to tell her to back off and that children are not on your agenda (yet).

[AngeloMysterioso]

And I'd write a list of what she's been saying - EVERY comment - and either email it to HR/manager or meet with them and give it to them. Make sure she has no idea you're doing this. And tell them that you're trying to not let it affect your work but you find it extremely inappropriate and while initially you let it slide, you are now being affected. And you're telling them because you don't want to say anything that will upset her as she's pregnant.

That.

Don’t respond to her at all (maybe just give her side eye, roll your eyes/yawn and turn back to your work) that way she can’t get the satisfaction of getting any kind of rise out of you or turn any response of yours into something she can complain about. Completely ignore, as if you didn’t even hear her. Make a note of exactly what she says and when, and speak to your manager or HR about it.

[Harriedharriet]

If a man said that to you it would be grounds for or close to grounds for dismissal. Remind her of that. Same applies if a woman says it. Calm conversational tone but look her in the eye.
Sexisim, ageisim and dickisim are not exclusive to men you know!

[Pringlemonster]

Don’t give her what she wants
Block her every time by saying
No ,I’m loving my freedom thanks
Then walk away .

[TeachesOfPeaches]

Not sure why you would speak to your manager or HR about this, what do you expect your manager to do?

If she asks again, just say that you've already answered. Is pregnancy making her forgetful?

[rwalker]

No massive confrontation just say "do you realise how personal and rude your comments are I'm really offended".
Would give you manager the heads up if she has form for twisting things and will end up the victim .

[Pringlemonster]

Actually
I think she sounds the type to turn it back on you ,and burst in to tears at the slightest thing you say ,having everyone in the office comforting her ,and fussing her ,and you getting the blame.
Personally
I think you need to practice not caring ,not giving a shit what she says.
I think she knows exactly how to push your buttons and she is enjoying doing so

[HotelliFinlandia]

@TeachesOfPeaches

Not sure why you would speak to your manager or HR about this, what do you expect your manager to do?

If she asks again, just say that you've already answered. Is pregnancy making her forgetful?

Probably the same they'd do to anybody else who was bullying a colleague? The same as they'd do to a man who was repeatedly referring to a colleague's private life/uterus/sex life?

[cbt944]

a few times every week

A few times every week! Once would be bad enough.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers. She's getting her jollies from putting you down, imagining she is - in just this one thing, perhaps - superior to you.

I would print out your OP's list of horrible digs she's made, and include any others that have sprung to mind, and go to HR/your manager and calmly delineate what you (and others) are being put through, and that it is repeated and ongoing jibes.

[littlemiceinthecorner]

Oh OP. . I read your post and was horrified. If I’d had a colleague say this to me it would have pushed me over the edge. My older, more assertive self would tell her that her constantly commenting on my childlessness was very hurtful and upsetting and would she please stop. At 31 I would probably have sat in the toilet and cried. Please be brave and tell her to stop. And have a hug x

[FangsForTheMemory]

Have you ever indicated that you want her to stfu? I think you need to do that before talking to her manager.

[custardbear]

Start writing down what she's said as a diary, then next time she says something insensitive (at best, worst is bullying) laugh abd say 'oh Barbie, that's a great one, let me write down that insensitive comment as well, gosh I'm getting quite a connection here'
Then you'll make your point, but have evidence if it continues!
I manage staff and I'd be wanting to hear if someone was doing that so I could stop her, very unnecessary and hurtful

[cansu]

Tell her
I think the decision to have or not have children is personal. Please stop asking me about this; I don't like it.

If she continues after this, you complain about her.

[CatteStreet]

@HoppingPavlova

I would give a hard stare that lasted too long and then say something along the lines of you've been thinking long and hard on it and can't work out why they are so invested in anyone in this manner and end it with 'Are you okay'? , followed by another long stare. I find it you make someone else uncomfortable in return they will never bother you again .

I think this would be my approach initially. It's neutral enough not to get you into any trouble in return, doesn't give away any of your vulnerabilities, but lets her know you know exactly what she's doing and you aren't going to stand for it.