Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

[BashfulClam]

I am childless not by choice. I once had a guy at work commenting when I turned 30 that I ‘better get a move on’ several times. He reached 39 so I’d just say ‘no girlfriend yet? Shane!’ A find point I looked him in the eye and said ‘please can you
Not talk about this with me or anyone else. You don’t know the struggles people have and I have my reasons that I am not a mother yet.’

[badacorn]

You could go to your boss and say she’s harassing you (it’s true)

Also I think it’s fair to tell her “why don’t you just fuck off?” She’s being so rude and you keep on taking it. She probably thinks she can just keep on verbally kicking you and you won’t do anything. Prove her wrong op. She is a bitch.

[user1481840227]

The next time I would just say to her
"The constant comments about when or if i'm planning on getting pregnant are making me very uncomfortable, they are completely inappropriate ... so you need you to stop"

[melj1213]

I would tell her once to stop talking to you about pregnancy/fertility and if she doesnt the I would just report her to your boss and/or HR

"Co worker, I'm not sure if you are aware just how often you make reference to my fertility and having children. I have no interest in discussing this topic with you or anyone at work and some of the comments are very disrespectful. I am politely asking you to refrain from bringing this topic up again and if you do then I will take further action"

[Thirtyflippingone]

"Flick her on the forehead then tell her to fuck off"

...this suggestion is very, very tempting!

I think if I did say anything overly rude to her, there's a good chance she would be the one running off crying (she's cried a fair few times at work before). They would probably be crocodile tears, but she is pregnant and I don't want her to turn it around and say I'm bullying her .

Love the idea of faux concern for her worrying about her job and a tinkly laugh though.

[WildRunner]

As a senior manager, and someone who is child free by choice, I would be horrified by someone making those kind of comments, and assumptions about what lay behind it. Absolutely none of their business. I'd completely understand anyone in my team not wanting to discuss it directly with the utter idiot you're having to deal with. And I'd be more than happy to tackle it on your behalf and set the boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

[MouseholeCat]

I am so sorry you're being faced with this. Pregnancy is an extremely sensitive topic, especially in the workplace, and she's behaving unprofessionally and being exceptionally ignorant. You're well within your rights to ask her to stop, but equally, you could also just go straight to your manager on this one.

I'm going through infertility and this would have me crying my eyes out every time she mentioned it.

[Mmn654123]

I agree, give her nothing of your inner turmoil. She isn’t your friend.

Next time she starts, tell her to bore off because while everyone gets that she’s excited that she is pregnant she really needs to wind it in because she’s already turning into a ‘one topic mum’ - always on and on about kids and it’s not even born. Roll your eyes at her and tell her she won’t be so excited when she’s wiping up sick and poo all day while everyone else gets to have fun and that she really really really needs to practice not being so boring in her conversation......

[eaglejulesk]

What an absolute bitch! My response would probably be "What makes you think I want to have children?, it is a choice you know" and hope that shuts her up. If not then I would complain to my manager.

[ilovesooty]

@snugglepuff

Flick her on the forehead then tell her to fuck off

Great way to end up with a disciplinary.

[BlackCatShadow]

Great way to end up with a disciplinary. hmm

😂 Seriously?!

[Whocutdownthecherrytree]

She is being awful to you. Definitely say something if you can. She needs to be set straight. It’s irrelevant but she’s probably picking on you because subconsciously she’s panicking about “her life being over” considering she’s is in her twenties, and justifying her choices to herself that she doesn’t want to “wait too long”. Like I said, it’s not an excuse but worth understanding where the insensitive self centred cow is coming from

[BitOfFun]

ilovesooty- I think that was in jest, to highlight how juvenile this behaviour is?

amitoooldforthisshit- that's definitely a comment that could find its way to management and put the OP in the wrong.

[CrikeyPeg]

@snugglepuff

Flick her on the forehead then tell her to fuck off

Yes yes yes (possibly also frowned upon in your profession @Thirtyflippingone?)

[Whocutdownthecherrytree]

Also hugs to you. I’m on my own TTC journey for my second child at 40 and it’s not going well. It’s a lonely, heartbreaking thing to want a child and not be in a position to have one

[Froglette16]

Report her for harassment. You can say to HR that it’s discriminatory on the basis of gender. She wouldn’t speak to a male colleague like this.

[BabySmuffPending]

I agree wholeheartedly with @Worriedaboutcovid19 and if that fails definitely go the route @snugglepuff suggests 🙌🏻

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, what an absolute cow. Pray that her baby is a terrible sleeper and she ages 10 years in the first 3 months 👌🏼

[justilou1]

God, it must be tempting to eat tuna at your desk!!! Meanwhile, I think your lovely childless colleague was hinting that you don’t need to put up with that shit. Complain to HR or your manager and someone’s got your back!

[timeisnotaline]

Smile sweetly and say I expect colleagues to be able to refrain from discussing my uterus. And anyone else’s except their own for matter. You don’t seem able to go a day without mentioning my uterus and associated bodily functions, is there something I should know?

*the end is just a nicely innocuous generic shuts people up question.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Great way to end up with a disciplinary.

FFS she's not going to actually physically flick her on the bloody fod and tell her to fuck off.

[sneakysnoopysniper]

What this woman is doing is a form of bullying! Bullying does not have to be shouting or abuse. It can be any form of behaviour which damages another person's self esteem or self worth. Your co-worker is doing that big time.

You should tell her that her constant harping on about topic is upsetting you and that you are instructing her to stop. If it occurs again you will make a formal complaint. If the behaviour is repeated once you make your feelings clear then it is legally harassment and you can raise a complaint with your HR department.

[SilverBirchWithout]

She sounds a bit of a smug cow to me! In my opinion she’s validating her own pregnancy ‘success’ by making you feel very uncomfortable by her deliberate comments.
The skill bullies have is sensing others’ vulnerabilities I have no doubt she knows what’s she is doing. I wouldn’t give her any satisfaction by letting her know how you feel or suggesting you may be unable to conceive at the moment. The best you’ll get is a condescending head tilt from her, or she’ll use every opportunity she can to refer to the issue and ‘how lucky she is’ and how unfortunate for you.

I do think you need to let your manager know about her behaviour.

I personally would do my utmost to counter every one of her comments with a glib reply to wind her up and belittle her.
Practise a few replies to the examples you have given such as
‘You do seem a bit overly-concerned about the contents of my womb’
‘Oh, I wondered why you hadn’t mentioned my biological clock this week’
‘Plenty I want to do before being held-back by a baby on my hip’
‘Planning on keeping my figure for a few more years as yet’
‘We’re enjoying our freedom for the time-being’
‘Maybe one day - just enjoying practising at the moment’
Be as glib as you like, maybe some questions back - ‘are you not frightened about not coping’ etc. Or just smile sweetly and rise above it ‘it’s important everyone makes their own choices’

[GurpsAgain]

On the other hand, maybe she is just totally absorbed with baby thoughts and it's her 'go to' subject at the moment. But still it's insensitive. I'm sure you'll have plenty of time for smugness when the late nights start for her, however.

[Italiangreyhound]

This is just my opinion but I would not flick her on the forehead or do a reverse or make a joke or anything. I would either

Speak to your manager and ask your manager to have a word with her now.

Or

Speak to her and simply say "You have spoken to me many times on the subject of pregnancy, given me your 'advice' and asked me intrusive questions in the workplace. I find this utterly unacceptable. You need to stop asking me about pregnancy now or I will report you for your behaviour."

If she chooses to apologise then you won't need to go to the manager.

However, if she starts an argument, walk away. If she starts any more discussion about pregnancy and you, walk to your manager's office and request a meeting with them , or email them.

If she does it again I would then walk away every time she brings it up and I would ensure I told my manger. This is harassment.

She is almost certainly doing this to upset you or is incredibly dim and doesn't realise this is upsetting, but either way she needs to stop.

My guess is that even if she is told by management she will drone on endlessly about her own pregnancy.

Whatever happens, speak to her only about work related items, be polite with her but do not engage on your body.

She is a prize twat and I am so sorry (I had years of fertility treatment and there is no shame in finding this sort of haressment upsetting, it is upsetting and I think you are right, she means it to be.