Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

[Italiangreyhound]

And it really doesn't matter why she is doing it. It needs to stop.

It's because you are a woman, so sex discrimination. But again, whatever the reason for it, she is negatively affecting you at work. It must be awfully distracting listening to that crap all day.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

She sounds utterly appalling.
Ageist, too, which (by the way) is a protected characteristic under the 2010 Equalities Act so you could point that out to her/your manage.

Even if she's "just saying" (which she's not, it sounds horribly pointed), it's the ongoing nature of it - it's harassment and yes, I would call it bullying too.

See your manager, or HR. Don't try and confront her directly if you worry you're going to cry.

Or, if you can manage it, try the sarcastic/passive aggressive response approach:
"Yes, we all know you're the first and only person in the world to ever get pregnant"
"I'd rather concentrate on my career at the moment thanks"
"If your nose was much longer, birds would perch on it"
"Thanks for your interest in my reproductive situation - I have none in yours and no wish to discuss it at work"
and so on.

But if you don't feel able to do that, then I'd go with speaking to manager/HR.

[Chocaholic9]

I'd tell her firmly that you find her comments about pregnancy sexist and that you want her to stop.

[RonaRossi]

a tad cruel maybe but you should go with the old adage don't count your chickens before they hatch

Fucking hell that would be a disgusting thing to say to a pregnant woman, there would be no excuse for that at all! Regardless of what the pregnant woman has said.

Horrible comment.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Is she like this?

[Italiangreyhound]

The problem with any 'clever', pointed or nasty comments at her is that she may go straight to HR and report you for harassment. Then your saying that she harnessed you in an unpleasant way may look like you are saying stuff just to get back at her.

You don't go to work to need to come up with clever retorts, you expect to work and be treated fairly. She is not a nice person and you don't have to put up with this.

[DPotter]

Do you have a mutual colleague who witnessing these comments ? Would they be sympathetic to saying something to her ? That way you don't feel out of control and she realises other people have your back.

Some people are just smug and see events such as weddings, pregnancies etc as an opportunity to try and point score - nasty trait.

[SilverBirchWithout]

I think you are right Italiangreyhound
I was one of the posters who suggested various responses, and I actually agree with you. All the OP needs is for it to totally stop and not be on tenterhooks waiting for the next comment and wondering how to comment.
The pregnant colleague is either a nasty bully or totally lacking in any awareness about others possibly experiencing fertility issues. Talking to the manager is likely to be the safest and most effective solution.

[GailsPlait]

I'm a bit older than you and childfree so I've had all this and worse for years. The only way to stop them is to be rude back or escalate with your manager/HR. I think as you've said you're quite non-confrontational and shouting at her might be frowned upon in your workplace that documenting everything and going to your manager or HR is your best bet.

If it was me next time she said something I'd pull out a giant notebook to document it for your manager, write it down and then put the notebook away. If she asks what you're doing, pull the giant notebook back out write it down and put it away again.

[Limpshade]

I can't believe there are people STILL doing crap like this. I really think she needs an HR shaming. Write down all her comments as you have done here and read them out to someone in HR, explaining the effect they have had on you. That way, if you do end up in tears, then you won't have had them in front of her. Also, if she does start crying about it as you suspect she might, she has no legitimate cause to complain herself.

[MyMajesty]

Roll your eyes at her and tell her she won’t be so excited when she’s wiping up sick and poo all day while everyone else gets to have fun and that she really really really needs to practice not being so boring in her conversation......

She is being stunningly boring.

[katy1213]

How dare you ask me rude and impertinent questions about my private life. Would you like to continue this discussion with HR when I make a complaint?

Or alternatively, When is that baby actually due? You look enormous for x months...
Don't you worry about your boobs sagging and your husband going off with another woman?
I don't suppose you'll ever be the same 'downstairs' ... doesn't that bother you? Ooh, I wouldn't fancy it at your age! You might be incontinent.
Bless... you'll never be able to wear a bikini, will you?
Do Caesareans actually hurt, do you think?

[Mincingfuckdragon2]

When she comments/questions you, stop what you are doing, turn/move towards her and stand pretty close and look her right in the eyes. Give her a sly grin and say knowingly "This again. You seem very interested in my reproductive ability. Why?" She'll be taken aback say ' I'm just interested" or similar. Then you keep saying "Oh. Why?" (Or How? Where? When? depending on her answer) to every answer she gives. Keep looking her right in the eyes and grinning knowingly. Then when she's suitably wrong-footed, grin again and say "Hmm. Interesting" and walk away.

She knows she's doing the wrong thing, and this will freak her the fuck out as she'll think you've rumbled her. And she can't complain to HR because all you've done is ask her a series of one-word questions that relate solely to her behaviour.

Source: have previously worked with a sociopath.

[Mincingfuckdragon2]

Or, as PPs have suggested, speak to HR and tell them what you told us.

[awesmum]

I'd be inclined the next time she says something to say 'I'm really pleased that you're happy about your pregnancy. But, I think you need to be aware that your comments about others lack of, could come across as insensitive.'
Then just return to work.
You've then been polite, not divulged any personal information but made your point.
If she doesn't stop go to your manager and HR.

[MerchantOfVenom]

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

“No. But you seem to very much be. Why??”

Accompanied by a very obvious ‘are you quite well??’ Look on your face.

"You don't want to leave it too late".

“No, you don’t want me to. Why??”

Same look.

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!"

“No, you want me to. Er, why??”

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

“No, you want me to get a move on. Why??”

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

“No, but you’re clearly inappropriately obsessed with me. Are you quite well??”

And then book a meeting with your line manager.

[GurpsAgain]

I agree that a firm but professional rebuff is better. If she genuinely lacks the self awareness that she seems to, she may feel victimised and then make you the baddie. If she is being knowingly snide, then she might deliberately try and get you in trouble for challenging her.

[KickAssAngel]

Keep it simple and short so that you don't get upset and the message is clear.
" My personal and private life is nothing to do with you. If you can't stop I will refer this as a case of harassment." Then walk away.

Then if she says one more thing, start logging it all and involve the suitable manager.

[KickAssAngel]

And you're totally reasonable to be upset. She's being a complete bitch.

[ChikiTIKI]

What about "can you let this drop now, everyone's bored of it" and if she says anything just "time to change the subject now" every time?

Or "but if I time my pregnancy right, I might be able to avoid seeing you for 2 years, so I don't want to rush in to it and get less time off from you" 😀 lol. I wouldn't actually say this but I've definitely worked with people who I've purposely NEVER taken annual leave at the same time as, so I can maximise my time away from them!

[BlackCatShadow]

You need to practice your withering look, OP. Soon she'll be too scared to talk to you. Then you can enjoy the peace.

Something like this ---> 🤔

[blisstwins]

WAYYYYYYYY inappropriate of her. I suffered infertility and would have had a nervous breakdown because of her. I would say something once, and if she persists report her to HR. Hopefully she will have her kid and never come back.

[ImnotCarolineHirons]

God you're so (fucking) dull these days. Only mid 20s and your chat is crap.

This again? Can't wait until you (fuck off and) join all the other boring (as fuck) mummies (sarcastic tone) talking allll day about piss n puke. (Dramatic shudder). Have fun comparing your prolapses.

Ok so maybe not, but have fun thinking it in your head - and Worriedaboutcovid19 has a great analysis of it and yes definitely talk to your manager and enlist the support of colleagues to confirm what she's saying.
Do NOT give her ANY hint about your personal circumstances, she'll use it.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

just tell her that while it is her choice to breed, it isn't yours.

Alternatively, "sorry that your contraception failed, mine is more reliable thanks"

[rotiboti]

I would go with the poster who said turn it around on her eg are you anxious, why are you concerned etc that will put her on the spot.
My responses would definitely be along the lines of "I could think of nothing worse, I have more things I want to do first but everyone has different aspirations. If applicable, I want to do it at as similar time to my friends, my partner and I want to really enjoy life before a baby changes it for ever, we want a bigger house as don't want to be cramped etc. Coupled with a few faux concerned comments you look so tired, pale, drained.

If she ever complains about swelling, discomfort etc really agree & emphasis.