Is this weird - work colleague had baby but not allowed to tell anyone?

[coffeelover3]

So my colleague left last week to have a baby - I say left, as there was no 'going away' present or card for her, because, according to our manager, she wasn't on maternity yet - she took 2 weeks holiday before her official maternity leave starts... I felt bad at the last teams meeting, and she privately said to me she felt disappointed there was no 'going away', I know she meant IRL, but I felt bad there was no online card or collection or anything at all. So at the end of last week manager sent round an email to about 50 people, our department, and any others she might have friends in, with an online card and collection, but said she wouldn't be collecting it until 7 December as that is when she officialy starts 'mat leave'.

So roll on and yesterday I got a text from her, (pregnant colleague) saying she had had the baby yesterday, it was a girl, blah blah, so I sent a text congratulating her. I mentioned it to manager today and she hadn't heard. I said to her should "we" or "her" change the card/collection to be sooner, and telling everyone she had had a baby girl etc, but she said no, that she wasn't "allowed" to tell anyone as colleague is on ANNUAL leave not MATERNITY leave.

I never heard of this before - I already told another colleague on our team - I didn't think it was a secret...?

I'm also slightly embarrassed that we're not doing anything until 7th December. I feel like we should send flowers at least, in the next few days.

AIBU?

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@JackAndJillsBucket

This is all very odd - in employmet law terms, maternity leave starts when the baby is born, she'll simply have to tack on the annual leave she couldn't take (due to baby's early arrival) at the end of mat leave. Maybe her manager is waiting for formal notification?

(My baby arrived earlier than expected so I was warned well in advance to tell them if baby arrived early within the first few weeks, so my "unused" annual leave could be noted & tacked on by an HR admin team.)

however there is sometimes a reason why announcements aren't made and you have to be careful about what is shared personally vs. officially. i sadly worked alongside a colleague whose baby was very ill, his wife was rushed into hospital midway through a normal workday without warning, and their son was stillborn, he went away for a few weeks and when he came back there were all these announcements and congratulations messages to come back to. Some people may have preferred to see them to acknowledge his son, but i do remember thinking how poorly handled it was - very insensitively, and really not on. i don't think people were aware, they just knew that he'd left to head to the hospital, so there was no malice intended, but it surely made a terrible situation far worse. totally needlessly.

What sort of idiot congratulated anyone on a birth without hearing from a reliable source that the baby has arrived safe and well?! Shocking.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

Your colleague has told you and said she is happy for the info to be shared. Just send an email round your team with the announcement. That’s what happens in my work, whoever is closest to the woman gets the news and passes it on. It’s not the boss’s responsibility to tell people because it’s not a work matter.

[SoTiredNeedHoliday]

thats totally weird and really not nice at all to be honest. You'd expect at least a card, she's probably feeling quite unloved by work colleagues. Though she won't be thinking of it right now, it will be remembered later.

Plus she's told you so you can tell whoever you want its not your bosses decision who knows about someone else's baby arrival.

I'd be telling all the colleagues that were/are the new mum's friends asap.

[Womencanlift]

Does your manager usually act in such a batshit way? If so could you say to your colleague “you will never guess what she has done now 🙄”. It makes it a joke between you both and gives her comfort that she hasn’t been forgotten about and she can laugh at all the good luck messages when she finally gets the card

[ILikeTrains]

How ridiculous - how can she not be on maternity leave.....she's had the bloomin' baby!

You have an idiot for a manager!

[Gwenhwyfar]

"What sort of idiot congratulated anyone on a birth without hearing from a reliable source that the baby has arrived safe and well?! Shocking."

Well, I think it's odd that nobody asked him how it went, but also that he didn't say anything to his work. Of course, he had other things on his mind, but you'd still think he'd say he was now on bereavement leave rather than paternity.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@Gwenhwyfar

"What sort of idiot congratulated anyone on a birth without hearing from a reliable source that the baby has arrived safe and well?! Shocking."

Well, I think it's odd that nobody asked him how it went, but also that he didn't say anything to his work. Of course, he had other things on his mind, but you'd still think he'd say he was now on bereavement leave rather than paternity.

I understood it as being that he would have told HR/his boss but the messages were personal emails from random individual colleagues. You don’t exactly send a round Robin when something like that happens, not would it be HR’s place to tell everyone.

[ArosGartref]

Your manager sounds like an idiot. Unfortunately, there's a lot of them out there.

Just tell her that the wider team aren't aware and is she happy for you to share the good news with them in the next team meeting or whatever.

[user1493494961]

Just send your own card.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"You don’t exactly send a round Robin when something like that happens, not would it be HR’s place to tell everyone."

It would have been better than having him greeted by flowers.

[JackAndJillsBucket]

What sort of idiot congratulated anyone on a birth without hearing from a reliable source that the baby has arrived safe and well?! Shocking.

These were personal messages sent from various people he worked (works) with across departments and across some inter-department mailing lists/weekly team meeting notes (as in , congrats to Mike). This was at a major bank in ~ 2015 so not exactly that many years ago either. Obviously HR put him on bereavement leave (compassionate leave?) but no one else knew that when sending the congrats, and the Head of IT surely could have stepped in if needed. not my place to police it but i did think it was badly managed.

[MatildaTheCat]

@HotSince63

Text your friend and ask - am I allowed to share your lovely news?

This. 100% this.

It’s actually possible she told you in confidence. Unless someone specifically says that you can share their news it’s bad form to do so.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@Gwenhwyfar

"You don’t exactly send a round Robin when something like that happens, not would it be HR’s place to tell everyone."

It would have been better than having him greeted by flowers.

But surely reasonable to expect people only to send flowers/congrats upon news that baby safely arrived? I just can’t get past the idea that anyone would do it without checking and defend themselves by saying “nobody told me the baby WASN’T OK...”

[CheetasOnFajitas]

It’s actually possible she told you in confidence. Unless someone specifically says that you can share their news it’s bad form to do so.

@HotSince63, @MatildaTheCat, OP has told us clearly that the friend told her to share the news. You can read all OP’s posts by clicking on “see all” under the OP.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"You don’t exactly send a round Robin when something like that happens"

Personally when a colleague called in to say her DF had died, I did tell everyone as I knew that was what she wanted, even though she hadn't spelt it out. It was a small place and we all knew each other really well.

[UnholyStramash]

I’m guessing she’s had some management training and hasn’t properly understood! Anyway, you have the news direct from colleague to you can pass the news to anyone you’re chatting to - assuming friend/colleague is okay about that.

[Lollypopsun]

Work places are weird. I had my 8 weeks premature at the beginning of the year. My DC spent a few weeks in hospital before being able to come home. I've not had anything off work not even a card.
Fair to say I'll not be putting in any collections for anyone when I return to work.

[ShortSilence]

Super weird. And some weird stories from PPs as well.

@Lollypopsun how shitty of them not to send even a card! I’m sorry, and I hope your baby is doing well now

[jackrusselsrule]

It sounds to me like the manager is frightened of doing the wrong thing in terms of Mat Leave regulations and GDPR. They are taking it a bit far following the rules though. Sounds like you are in regular contact with colleague so would send a card and flowers anyway

[GlowingOrb]

We dealt with something similar at work recently. The manager can’t tell colleagues anything, but the woman in question is free
To send an email to anyone, including the manager, saying please forward to everyone in order to share her news . It’s a ridiculous little game.

[SomethingWycked]

I speak from 'bitter' experience. I left work on almost 4 weeks annual leave before my maternity started. Hardly a week had gone before I had my DS! I was able to carry 1 week over but I lost the rest as Maternity leave starts the day you have the baby.

Congratulations to your colleague. Unless she does not want it common knowledge, the manager sounds weird!

[Lollypopsun]

@ShortSilence

Super weird. And some weird stories from PPs as well.

*@Lollypopsun* how shitty of them not to send even a card! I’m sorry, and I hope your baby is doing well now

Thank you :) LO is doing amazing.

[lostintheday]

Your manager is 100% wrong. Maternity leave starts the date you have the baby so she isn't on annual leave anymore

This just isn't true. Maternity leave starts from when you go on maternity leave. I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks before my baby was due!

[Luisa77]

lostintheday - yes of course, it starts earlier if you start it earlier but that is not the issue here. The point people are making is that if you are on annual leave before maternity leave but then have your baby during that period then maternity leave kicks in

[BertBertBert]

@lostintheday

Your manager is 100% wrong. Maternity leave starts the date you have the baby so she isn't on annual leave anymore

This just isn't true. Maternity leave starts from when you go on maternity leave. I was on maternity leave for 6 weeks before my baby was due!

It is true. lostintheday was not saying that you can’t start your mat leave earlier than the date of birth, but rather that if you are on annual leave when the baby is born, your mat leave automatically kicks in at that point.