To think ex was being a twunt?

[BritishIdiot]

It was ds 3rd birthday the other day, all excited and hyer as they are at that age! Exp came over to celebrate with us. Exp was building a garage with ramps contraption for ds, when ds got a little impatient and pulled a gate off - not broke just pulled it out of its fitting. Ex totally lost it. "What did you do that for you're breaking it, I don't CARE if its your birthday I'm taking the toy away, you're not having it." He proceeded to put it in the kitchen out of ds reach all the while ranting on and on at him. Poor ds sat in his tent sobbing. "Daddy took my present."

Ds had been grazing all day on birthday treats as they do. Come dinner time he ate half of his dinner but really really wanted his cake. Ex refused to let him have his birthday cake until he ate, in his mind, a satisfactory amount of dinner. Practically force feeding him when he clearly didn't want it. "You are not having cake until you eat your dinner."

Now I'm all for discipline, getting the kids to eat, behave appropriately etc, but come on its his birthday cut the poor lad some slack.

This is the narcissist ex p that loves to ruin EVERY SINGLE special occasion somehow.

AIBU?

Well done OP 🌺

Keep him the hell away from the kids

Absolutely well done. Don't be frightened about pulling him up on his behaviour in front of your children, they need to know you are their protection against the outside world, even if that includes their father. You don't have to have a quiet word when he behaves badly.

Force feeding a child is child abuse. Why the hell would you allow this man around your defenceless child???

I didn't want to create any further drama, else he'd kick off and make it more miserable. I am at fault I knew deep down he'd potentially do this. Lesson learnt though, my children will remember occasions for the right reasons, I am not going to allow him to damage them.

I cannot fathom why someone would ruin every single occasion, fathers day and his birthday exempt. Christmas has always been the worst. He creates something so it ends up being about him, the attention all be it negative, is on him. Every. Single. Time. Never again.

@BritishIdiot

I didn't allow him at all, I had quiet stern words, after the cake incident I did tell him to leave. And of course I'm going to allow my son to see his dad on his birthday. I'm just a fool for believing he would actually not make it about him.

My Ex ruined every single birthday, christmas and anniversary until I stopped it.Just stop it.

Do not allow ex in your house ever again.

Your house needs to be safe.

Have gentle chats with ds after contact without direct questions such as take time drawing mummy s house daddy s house..let him reveal what goes on ....if concerns then be prepared to speak to safeguarding at school and take concerns further.

He is nasty.

@WINDBLOWINGSW did your ex play the victim card too?? Was he emotional devoid and lacked any empathy whatsoever?

You were advised on your last thread to not allow him access to your home.

What did you expect from him? A sudden personality change?

I let him in for a few hours on our sons birthday. Not a cup of tea and cosy chat!!

Well done for leaving and well done for putting your foot down on your sons birthday. Man is an arsehole and you are better off without him. My ex arsehole and his entire family didn't even acknowledge my dc birthday this year and somehow that is my fault. Narcissists never change. If you think his visits to his dad are detrimental to his well-being force feeding etc apply for supervised contact. Well done for being strong it is not easy standing up to a bully

He’s no longer allowed in your house.
End of.
He can celebrate his son’s birthday the closest day to his birthday that he sees him for contact.

Think we should all stop victim blaming here. OP has explained the situation. Much easier to say don't give him access, don't let him in etc than to actually do it. Especially when op has been conditioned by an abusive controlling narcissist

Don't let an abusive ex partner in your home OP. Draw the boundary. This would be ok with an ex who isn't abusive and who co-parents well, but not your ex. He can see DS in his own house, not yours.

I'm glad you asked him to leave he sounds like a vile bully to your poor DS. Does he have much access? I wouldn't want to expose my child to this man anymore than absolutely necessary.

clpsmum

OP has been conditioned and trained to accept abuse, yes. But she must now accept this man will not change and can no longer be allowed to call the shots and abuse the DC and ruin their celebrations.

@TwentyViginti absolutely agree. Let's hope OP manages it as we all know it's not easy

"I let him in for a few hours on our sons birthday. Not a cup of tea and cosy chat!!"

But that was a terrible idea because you couldn't or didn't protect your son from him.

He doesn't enter the house because that is where your son is safe and allowed to celebrate his birthday with fun, toys and cake.

The minute that you decide to allow him in then you are compromising your child's safety.

What a wanker.

Don't let him in, he's lost that privilege.

Organised and short pick ups and drop offs.

Excuse me @myhobbyisouting I DID protect my son.

I gave ds the toy back told him to be careful and play nicely. I wasn't sat there watching on. No way was he playing "bossy bully dad" in MY house. Of course then ensued the "playing the victim" silent treatment. It was after the cake thing I told him to get out.

Thank God he's your ex. Will read your previous thread now, OP x

Honestly you’re doing the wrong thing by allowing this man into your home

You know what he is.

And you allowed him to upset your boy on his birthday

He’s 3. Won’t remember it this year, but next year he will.

Make yourself and your dc a promise now to never allow this man to make you feel bad again.

You owe him nothing, he’ll harm you and your kids and they only have you to protect them.

Well I guess you just learn from this mistake OP. You tried to be extremely accommodating to your ex, he took full advantage and acted like a bastard. So now he never enters your home again.
I know you were trying to do the nice thing but your ex doesn’t deserve it or appreciate it.

The problem with emotional abuse is very often you lose sight of what is normal. Both you and your children are victims of this man. Therapy will help you regain boundaries and give you insight and coping strategies. I’m newly out of a abusive relationship and realising what normal boundaries are. It takes time to regain confidence and take back control. I’m sure you can do it but please consider therapy.

Why did you let him force feed your DS this is awful. You should've thrown him out after the garage incident. Don't leave them unattended ever. If he does this in front of you, what will he do behind your back?

OK. Now you've seen it again, and been taken to task here again, make that the very last time!

Christmas arrangements - get that sorted right now! he doesn't darken your doorstep until you are ready to do whatver handover has been agreed. He doesn't get to be part of your celebrations.

There are courts that can help!

I think you should not allow him to join your celebrations. He can do his own birthday/Christmas time with ds. I expect he’ll be less inclined to ruin that anyway.