AIBU to sometimes want to speak to my ex without his gf

[Differentstreet]

So I’m re married, 2 ds’s (from my previous marriage) exh is living with his gf of two years. Ds’s live with me, exh has been regularly in touch and seeing them, lots of different gfs. Met this gf two years ago and at first they were on and off and this was a lot to do with gf saying she couldn’t cope with oldest ds (he’s great just really quiet when he meets new people) and his chaos and debt, then a year after being on and off he moves into her house.
Anyway eventually it settled down and they were promising to see the Ds’s every fortnight, we all got along well, I was quite friendly with gf, chatty etc. All co parenting well. Then along came Covid, obviously messed things up, but visiting stopped. Ds 2 very upset.
If I speak to ex, she’s always on the call too and he barely gets a word in, that’s fine but it makes the call tricky, listening to two voices, and sometimes I just want to chat to him about ds stuff but put up with it.

Tonight I rang ex on the way home from work because he wanted to talk about next years holiday. So I call and drive hands free. Gf starts saying they won’t be seeing the kids over Christmas because of Covid and want to take them away next year. I said ds is really low in mood and I think they should see them more, she says no...because of Covid. He barely gets a word in. I asked to chat just to my exh because I can’t hear properly and I wanted to push him about his choices to see the kids in regards to Covid and their mental well-being when not seeing their dad.

She’s now very upset apparently, ex is angry that I “pushed her out” of the call and she’s left our parent WhatsApp group in a huff (also defriended me on fb but I’m not bothered about that).

My Dh is happy to add the odd comment but mostly listens if I decide to put a call on speaker phone.

AIBU to want to sometimes talk to my ex about the kids without her being on the call or should I just put up with it as she is part of their life now and likely to be staying around?

She doesn’t sound mature enough to be step parenting.

Yes it seems immature to me too, I’m just so bloody tired from work and it all escalated so quickly I have lost perspective on whether it’s unreasonable to talk to my ex alone, on the phone, about the kids!

Its not unreasonable to want to talk to your children's father about your children without his girlfriend always being on the call. Its not unreasonable to want to talk to ANYONE without their partner insisting its on speaker so they can join in.

That would annoy me too. She has a right to be involved but not to dictate if/
when your ExH sees his sons. She sounds domineering and selfish.

It’s been annoying for ages but I’ve relented because she has got him to sort his bloody life out and see the kids, basically she pays for everything and is really good with the kids. Which I guess i don’t need to be thankful for, but I am! God, I’m being a walk over really, just anything for an easy life as far as they’re concerned, I hate this ridiculous drama!

Ultimately it's you and your ex who are the parents. If I had to deal with a situation like yours it would drive me insane. There's no need for her to be on those calls.

No matter how she feels, she isn't the parent. She isn't even marrief to him. She sounds very young...

I would completely ignore the situation, act as if nothing has happened. Don't mention to your ex about her being upset, if he mentions it, just resist the urge to comment.

It’s nice she wants to be involved but I agree that she’s not mature enough to be a stepparent if she can’t handle being asked to back off so you and the children’s actual parent can have a conversation about your children.

She’s not young, she’s around 50, older than me but no kids herself. I haven’t responded to anything, I know she’s really upset still due to the media blocking, I’m not really sure what she hopes to gain by that, but it says a lot about her.
Ds has been a bit low and I mentioned it on the call and she was telling me that she’s spoken to him about various things to see what is bothering him but couldn’t get it out of him, it felt almost as though I hadn’t tried! I said it’s probably because he’s not seeing his dad!! Urgh.

50! I thought you were going to say she was early 20s with all this blocking on FB. Ridiculous way to act at any age but she should know better.

They are your kids so you just need to say thanks for the input Brenda but this is between me and Dave (no offence to any Brenda’s or Dave’s). She can go in a huff if she wants but I would be telling them both to grow up and stop acting more immature than the kids

She should not be on those calls OP. the end.

She's being ridiculous; of course you want to talk to your ex alone.

As an aside, children can go to both parents homes during lockdown, so covid is no excuse to cancel visits.

Can't believe she's bloody 50, what a tool!

If you know she is always on the call and that the calls stress you out perhaps don’t call while you are driving next time. It won’t stand up in court.

She sounds annoying but, as ever, it really comes down to your ex. He is either tolerating or welcoming her interference, and he is likely to continue doing so for as long as they are together.

Hahaha! I know it’s really beyond belief... so ridiculous I was doubting myself, my dh always has thought she’s a bit of a plonker. I did explain all the rules about Covid and still being able to see them, but they want to wait for a vaccine, that’s why I wanted to speak to him alone really because I said that there won’t be a vaccine for kids for years and anyway that’s not guaranteed protection, nothing is 100%!! I said he needs to just find a way round that way of thinking or he’ll just never see them properly for years!! He waffled on about them isolating before seeing them etc..,,,I’ve just told him to have a think about the impact on the kids.

Yes silly to call when driving but it was supposed to be a quick chat. I won’t do that again! Incidentally I did stop the car when it got heated!

Let her keep sulking, ignore it and focus o talking to your kids dad about your kids. She's not your equal, she's been in the picture a year she needs to step back.

Is your ex or his partner' vulnerable'? Sorry if I missed that. Why is he not seeing his sons at the moment?

Could you call him while he's at work or during his breaks? She sounds like she likes to be in control and /or very insecure

YANBU atall! And I take it you've pointed out 'Covid' is not an excuse to not see his DC? I can't imagine the upset if my ex decided to drop the DC because 'Covid'. How heartless.

I communicate with my ex over WhatsApp. But then I like to have everything in writing so that he can't bullshit me about what he did or didn't say etc. Could you communicate this way instead of phone calls? Yanbu. She should butt out.

She sound's immature and controlling. To be honest yes she her input is needed to an extent as they live together and its her house too but other than that no she doesn't have to be involved in all decision making and parenting it's nothing to do with her. Op she's now shown her true colours so take her at face value. When she's over her little huff she'll probably re add you and try the friendly approach to brush it all under the carpet, don't accept it you need to put up firm boundaries with her going forwards, they're your and exH kids not hers. I'd be civil and polite to her from now on but that's it. I'd also suggest you try and speak to your ex when you know she's not around and explain to him that whilst to an extent she has a little input, you will for the foreseeable future be coming directly to him regarding the children and this is not about her and her feeling pushed out its about his son feeling low and his needs her feelings do not come before the kids and I would tell ex this as well. She also sounds like a right drama llama

I would go email only at this point. It would just annoy me so much hearing her jib in like that. Yes, she could take over and read and respond to your emails but at least you dont have to listen to it.

Well done for not telling her to shut the fuck up and wind her neck in like I would have done

Ps this isolating before visiting their dad that was suggested, does he really expect them to go into full isolation before visiting him? No school etc? Unless he is 90 and suffering with copd I think that is very unreasonable of him, especially considering your son's low mood right now

I’m a bit confused. In your later post, you credit her for being the person that made your ex sort his life out and see the kids, plus she pays for everything, and is really good for them.

So, you’re happy for her to act like a parent, care for your children, and contribute financially but then when you don’t like their joint decision you want to remove her from the conversation and find a way around her?

I think she’s offended.