AIBU to sometimes want to speak to my ex without his gf

[Differentstreet]

So I’m re married, 2 ds’s (from my previous marriage) exh is living with his gf of two years. Ds’s live with me, exh has been regularly in touch and seeing them, lots of different gfs. Met this gf two years ago and at first they were on and off and this was a lot to do with gf saying she couldn’t cope with oldest ds (he’s great just really quiet when he meets new people) and his chaos and debt, then a year after being on and off he moves into her house.
Anyway eventually it settled down and they were promising to see the Ds’s every fortnight, we all got along well, I was quite friendly with gf, chatty etc. All co parenting well. Then along came Covid, obviously messed things up, but visiting stopped. Ds 2 very upset.
If I speak to ex, she’s always on the call too and he barely gets a word in, that’s fine but it makes the call tricky, listening to two voices, and sometimes I just want to chat to him about ds stuff but put up with it.

Tonight I rang ex on the way home from work because he wanted to talk about next years holiday. So I call and drive hands free. Gf starts saying they won’t be seeing the kids over Christmas because of Covid and want to take them away next year. I said ds is really low in mood and I think they should see them more, she says no...because of Covid. He barely gets a word in. I asked to chat just to my exh because I can’t hear properly and I wanted to push him about his choices to see the kids in regards to Covid and their mental well-being when not seeing their dad.

She’s now very upset apparently, ex is angry that I “pushed her out” of the call and she’s left our parent WhatsApp group in a huff (also defriended me on fb but I’m not bothered about that).

My Dh is happy to add the odd comment but mostly listens if I decide to put a call on speaker phone.

AIBU to want to sometimes talk to my ex about the kids without her being on the call or should I just put up with it as she is part of their life now and likely to be staying around?

You may have to "play nice" with her instead of trying to bypass her.
It is not unusual for men to expect the women in their lives to handle the social arrangements - including visitation, socializing, sending holiday cards, sorting out (choosing, buying, wrapping) gifts etc. He doesn't sound like he really cares whether he sees them or not.

That would bug me too... He should tell her look I'm chatting to (your name) about the kids hold your nonsense.. Its nice she wants to get involved with the kids but overstep the mark dictating when he can see them at Xmas! If I was a step parent no way would I ever interfere in a chat between mum and dad discussing their kids unless I was asked to but would never dictate... Shes a ridiculous woman and pretty selfish.. He wants to man up.

I’m totally with you Op. this is your communication with your ex and if he chooses to share it with her afterwards then that up to him. I have the same with trying to talk to my brother his wife answers all of their phones and answers and makes decisions on his behalf. I always ask for him but he’s there but never comes to the phone despite us having a bad few months where I really needed to speak to him. Some women need to be in total control even when it’s nothing to do with them.

@Differentstreet

It’s been annoying for ages but I’ve relented because she has got him to sort his bloody life out and see the kids, basically she pays for everything and is really good with the kids. Which I guess i don’t need to be thankful for, but I am! God, I’m being a walk over really, just anything for an easy life as far as they’re concerned, I hate this ridiculous drama!

It sounds like your ex is using her. I think she's been forced by him to put herself out a lot for the kids if she's paying for them which has naturally blurred the boundaries.

I think the issue is that your ex hasn't stepped in as a father and she's stepped up to the plate.

She's being inappropriate and ignoring parenting boundaries. It needs to be said 🌺

It sounds like she needed to hear it good job cuts out the middle man woman👏 Poor DS'S of course he can see them it is a poor excuse especially over Christmas.
He's a spineless dick let him deal with his stroppy gf he might man up.

He absolutely can, and should see HIS children, sounds like an excuse to be lazy and not parent his kids IMO

So he can't see see his children due to covid? Is he clinically very vunerable? Does he face time his children etc? The whole thing sounds fishy. I think they are using covid as an excuse to keep the children at arm's length. A decent, loving, supportive father would not just stop visitation. Covid or no covid, he is still the father to the DC and he needs to grow a backbone and step up to the plate.

Been with my partner near on 5 years and would never join in on a call he has with his ex about their kids as it's not my business. YANBU OP.

Neither would I @lovemykidsandcats but I also wouldn't be paying for them.

I feel like she's stepping in because the ex isn't which is quite a fundamental problem. My concern would be that if she steps back the ex won't step up and the children will suffer.

My ex's partner crops up all the time on calls and at meetings. She has absolutely no sense of boundaries and appropriate conduct. A bit strange really when she is in a highly regulated industry. So that makes it deliberate. It is dreadful and the DC hate it. All they want is for their parents to communicate. So if their father wont - thats on him, as it is on my-ex.

Thank you all for your points of view, I’m taking them all on board. I’m sad because in all this drama are two kids which are my priority. Yes he needs to step up, he has a good job now (she started working with him) and they both work from home so no chance of chatting to him alone unless he decides to do this. A year ago she couldn’t “cope” with the kids coming to her house because they want to play xbox and not talk to her all afternoon and now she’s having a tantrum because I wanted to speak to their father about seeing them more, I was driving and couldn’t hear him both. I wasn’t rude I just said “ I’m sorry but can I just talk to ..... on his own for a minute, it’s difficult to hear you both” (he barely said anything because she was talking so much). it was hardly “shut the fk up I don’t care what your opinion of ds’s mental health is” (which I wanted to say!!). Just to be clear, she pays for everything in regards to his life but he can afford maintenance independently (not much btw). She’s kind to them but doesn’t “care for” my children, just lets them into her house on visits last year. She’s very keen to tell me her opinion about everything child related but ex doesn’t get a word in edgeways. Ah well, it’s only the kids that miss out in the end!

Your ex sounds pretty useless and spineless. His gf made him start paying for his ds?! And he's happy to sit there silently like a muppet on the phone?!

Call him at work. Put your foot down. Say you and he are the parents and his controlling gf needs to butt out.

She sounds very controlling granted she helped sort out one part of his life but it has badly affected his relationship with his DC.
You need to ask him to pop by for a garden chat to put arrangements in place unless he is vulnerable he could easily see them if he is using it as an excuse it's awful.
I don't know how far you'll get he doesn't seem the type to make positive decisions alone.

Not unreasonable, next time I’d just treat it like a business call. When talking ask directly the name of your ex dh for reply, when she Interrupts “I understand ex dh gf, what do you think about my comments ex dh?”

Just deflect, re direct. Ignore

Thanks really like this suggestion. I doubt she’ll ever talk to me again though, so silly. I’m thinking they’ve just decided not to communicate with me. I sent a text saying it all got a dramatic yesterday but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a one to one conversation, and if he rings we can arrange holidays. Not a thing back. Been talking to my dh about it, he thinks it’s just ridiculous and it shouldn’t be about her, he always thought she’s really controlling and weird, he’s a good judge of character! When we looked back at her behaviour it has been incredibly odd. Anyway I’m not really interested in her but annoyed he’s being controlled and that’s affecting his communication about the kids!

I would refuse to speak to him if she’s on the call. She has nothing to do with your arrangements re your dc.

I would stick to email only for a while too.