To be wracked with guilt

[ODFOx]

I'm a shielding essential worker, working from home. The house has been in uproar for months as my hours have been off the scale and family life has been significantly affected.

For the first few months I was trying to also shield my ex-ILs: she is more elderly than him but they are both at risk (80s and 90s)....Until I found out he was popping to the shops, taking her out into crowded places as she was bored' and just repeated small unsafe practices like inviting neighbours in etc etc . I had to step away and have been very scared for them. We met up outdoors a couple of times when things were more relaxed and the dc facetime them daily, but we haven't been close to them since it became clear that he was neither limiting contact nor using recommended hygiene practices. Basically the only reason they haven't caught Covid is that they haven't been close to someone with Covid, not because of anything he's done. If she catches it and gets really sick he will be devastated, but entirely responsible.

So, Christmas. His behaviour has caused so much upset in this house over the last months and I have wept bitter frustrated tears, but, they have no other family since my ex died and have been here for Christmas for the last few years. This is awkward for my DH but he understands that for us Christmas is about family. This year my family and my DHs family won't be coming because of COVID concerns so if we have guests it would just be the ex-ILs. My DC don't really want them as Although they do love them it does make everything more stressful, and they were looking forward to Christmas with just the 4 of us (usually 16-20 for dinner) but I am feeling so so guilty: he's sent me a text asking what the plan for Christmas is. They aren't my family, and based on his behaviour throughout the crisis it would be mad to have them here even if the government guidance is relaxed. Tonight I tried to raise it with the DC and said I was worried it might be their last Xmas with their Grandmother so should we invite them round? DH has said that in light of what they have put me through this year he does not want them here at Christmas. DC in total agreement. Part of me is actually relieved, and of course I'll make sure they have a lovely dinner to warm through, so why am I feeling so guilty?
AIBU to go with what my DH and DC want even though the old folk will be alone and disappointed at Christmas? I am feeling so guilty . 😟

I know you'll be told on here that it's fine but I just couldn't do it. Not at their age. Not after years of having them.

It truly could be their last.

If your DH and (more important) your DC don't want to see them, plus ex-fil behaviour, then don't.

They may be elderly but you've been very kind for many years, and you'd be making the ils happy at the expense of your own family.

I thought with age came wisdom?
If you are shielding yourself and they aren't, do you not have just as much of a duty to your children to not risk their mothers health for their grandparents company.
And every Christmas could be any of our last. If your ex MiL is in her nineties you could have been thinking that about her for 10 years!

I understand that you are scared for them but you need to accept that they are grown adults who at that age are obviously well aware of the risks but choose to live as normal life as possible.

I think at their age I would do the same to be honest and your getting so stressed about it is pointless.

With regards to Christmas, that is another matter, you are shielding and well within your rights to say who does and doesn't come to visit.

Again, I would have them but that's just me.

You have to decide what is best for you and your family

I understand your guilt but you are doing the right thing for your family. It sounds like you have gone above and beyond for ex in-laws in the past, your DH sounds very kind too.

I'd feel guilty too.

BUT

Crucially, for me, they have each other. It's not like ones been widowed

YOU are shielding, they have been out & about (though are your kids at school? Is DH working OH)

I would take the wimps way out & just say that due to you shielding you have decided not to host anyone this Christmas but would be happy to xyz (FaceTime/drop dinner off)

Try not to feel guilty, they've brought it on themselves

I have a different, but also similar situation & I'm struggling with the guilt too, but trying not to.

I can commiserate, I have a similar situation with horrible guilt. But.....They have each other, and you have to put your kids first

I have to disagree with some of the comments here. Their child has presumably passed and at their age , it really could be their last . I would invite them around.

You’re shielding, they have each other - so no, I wouldn’t them.

They’re in their 80s and 90s. Let them live how they choose without judging. If I was 90 there’s not a chance on this earth I’d have been shielding this year. No way.

If they are otherwise good people, all that stress has been of your own making, OP. Just invite them round.

What about your ex? Why are you the one to have them?

I couldn’t not have them if I’m honest.

The relationship you have with them sounds good for being ex ilaws. BUT this year has been a tricky one. I think you owe it to yourself to do whats best for your family. Your dh and kids are all in agreement so you should make peace with that. I think you can spoil them with some good food but let them know that this year will be different.

@HollowTalk

What about your ex? Why are you the one to have them?

Errr, he’s dead. It says it in the OP.

I think if your DC aren’t keen then I would just not invite them and take them a dinner around, buy goodies etc.

Also unless there’s a massive backstory here when you say “all they’ve put you through” to be honest they haven’t put you through anything. They have a choice - at that age would you stay in for a year? Would you really want that to potentially be those you spend one of your last years?

I think you need to be honest with yourself.
Do you not want them because of covid or just not want them?
You're feeling guilty because you know that your ex il's will be sat in their own home making the best of it and wishing they were with you.
Obviously I don't know your relationship with them but if they're good gp's I think I would have them at least for lunch.

I think you're being very harsh on your ex-FIL. Although I'd be worried about the two of them catching Covid, I'd also have total admiration that they're getting on with their lives, rather then locking themselves away for however long it took for a vaccine to be developed (maybe they wouldn't even have lived that long).

That was their choice to make. And any 'bitter frustrated tears' are on you, not him. You can't blame him for your anxieties.

It sounds like you've already made your choice about Christmas dinner, so I won't try and persuade you otherwise. But I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy Christmas day, knowing that they were sitting at home alone, away from their only family. That's just me though.

They are not alone though, they have each other. I think you just tell them “
We’re not having my parents or DH’s names parents or anyone over because as an essential worker and shielder I just can’t risk it,the kids also don’t want to risk missing their work/study. So I’m sorry you’ll need to make your own plans this year” . If you were feeling charitable you could offer to send a child over with food or to get their food shop in before Christmas Day.

@Untangled87 she did also say he’s done other things to make her life hard.

I'm so sorry, I didn't notice that your ex had died.

Sounds like they live close to you, so can't they come for a while but not all day? At their age, so they really want to be out all day? Can't you and your family have a nice breakfast, etc, then have them round for lunch, then you take them home and the have the evening to yourselves. Or another compromise - could you all go and visit them for a couple of hours on the day?

You talk about them as your ex IL, which is understandable, but aren't they your DCs' grandparents? I think I even if your DC (how old are they?) say now they don't want them with you, in years to come when they are more mature they will be appalled to think they left their grandparents on their own on what could be their last Christmas.

Can't you pop to them alone for a few hours? Maybe visit in the garden? Think it's a bit mean of children to not be prepared to see elderly (inconvenient) relatives for a few hours.

They have eachother. The are adults that have chosen how to behave and our actions have consequences. You cant be expected to always put them first no matter what they do just because they're old and you've decided you're responsible for them.
3 out of 4 people dont want to invite them, you dont get to go over their heads, that's not fair. I'd be so pissed if DH invited people round on Christmas day I didn't want here. If you're so worried about them being alone then go see them on your own for a few hours. Dont ruin your families Christmas.

Good for them for living their life to the full and taking their chance with Covid. Why should they waste the last months/years of their lives for fear of dying from something, when they'll be dying sooner rather than later, anyway? Why are you getting into such a state on their behalf?
It sounds like you have been very good to them as ex-in-laws but it does seem unkind to drop them this year; can't you just collect them an hour or so before lunch? Chances are they'll just nod off in a chair after they've eaten and they'll leave early.