To be wracked with guilt

[ODFOx]

I'm a shielding essential worker, working from home. The house has been in uproar for months as my hours have been off the scale and family life has been significantly affected.

For the first few months I was trying to also shield my ex-ILs: she is more elderly than him but they are both at risk (80s and 90s)....Until I found out he was popping to the shops, taking her out into crowded places as she was bored' and just repeated small unsafe practices like inviting neighbours in etc etc . I had to step away and have been very scared for them. We met up outdoors a couple of times when things were more relaxed and the dc facetime them daily, but we haven't been close to them since it became clear that he was neither limiting contact nor using recommended hygiene practices. Basically the only reason they haven't caught Covid is that they haven't been close to someone with Covid, not because of anything he's done. If she catches it and gets really sick he will be devastated, but entirely responsible.

So, Christmas. His behaviour has caused so much upset in this house over the last months and I have wept bitter frustrated tears, but, they have no other family since my ex died and have been here for Christmas for the last few years. This is awkward for my DH but he understands that for us Christmas is about family. This year my family and my DHs family won't be coming because of COVID concerns so if we have guests it would just be the ex-ILs. My DC don't really want them as Although they do love them it does make everything more stressful, and they were looking forward to Christmas with just the 4 of us (usually 16-20 for dinner) but I am feeling so so guilty: he's sent me a text asking what the plan for Christmas is. They aren't my family, and based on his behaviour throughout the crisis it would be mad to have them here even if the government guidance is relaxed. Tonight I tried to raise it with the DC and said I was worried it might be their last Xmas with their Grandmother so should we invite them round? DH has said that in light of what they have put me through this year he does not want them here at Christmas. DC in total agreement. Part of me is actually relieved, and of course I'll make sure they have a lovely dinner to warm through, so why am I feeling so guilty?
AIBU to go with what my DH and DC want even though the old folk will be alone and disappointed at Christmas? I am feeling so guilty . 😟

Why do your wishes trump your DH and DC ? Just explain no one is coming. Sounds like you have good enough reasons besides your family hoping for a quiet day.

OP firstly, I think it's really impressive & kind that you've done so much for your ex-ILs. As you say, they are not your family. I'm assuming there are no other family members available to help, since your ex died?

However, notwithstanding all the points you make, I think it would be wrong to leave them along for Christmas 'with a plate to warm through'. YANBU but I couldn't do it!

They won't be alone, they'll have each other.
Just because they are older doesn't mean they can act how they like and expect everyone to be happy about it. They have made your life harder, annoyed your husband, and now they aren't invited to Christmas dinner, fine. I can see how others who have never had to deal with disrespectful/difficult people think you are being cruel, but you're not.
If you really can't let them be by themselves, why don't you go round for the day, and leave your family at home

They won't be alone, they'll have each other.

Well, for me, two elderly people spending Christmas on their own (note plural usage! On their own without anyone else) is really sad, and not something I could live with.

It seems OP has similar reservations, hence the thread title.

I have to disagree with some of the comments here. Their child has presumably passed and at their age , it really could be their last . I would invite them around.

This

I'd also have total admiration that they're getting on with their lives, rather then locking themselves away for however long it took for a vaccine to be developed

And if they pass the infection on to the OP and she ends up on a respirator, do you have total admiration for that too?

She told us in her OP that she is shielding, presumably because she is medically vulnerable.

My parents are also in their 80s, it is very likely that my father won't see another Christmas. But there is no way they would put their children at risk, especially not their son who is shielding after a stroke. The way they see it, they've had many more years than him and have no right to put him at risk.

Omg don't feel guilty!! I wouldn't have them around this year! Your DH and DC are right x

I wouldn't invite them round. Explain your reasons why. Your primary responsibility is towards your immediate family.

If your DC are at school and your DH at work you have more chance catching Covid from them especially as you are in daily contact with them, than from exPIL visiting you for one day.

Honestly if I was 80+ there's no way I would have shielded this year. Like you said, it could be their last year. Both are way past average life expectancy...who wants to waste their last months stuck at home isolated from everyone when they might well not have long left irrespective of Covid.

I'd have them for Christmas, the risks from them are lower than your family you live with; as for the risks to them, they are clearly aware of those and willing to take them.

If your DC are at school and your DH at work you have more chance catching Covid from them especially as you are in daily contact with them, than from exPIL visiting you for one day.

So why would the OP want to double the risks, especially as it is known that viral load makes a difference to how badly people become ill?

Also, there might well be a difference between dc and dh who are aware of risks and observe precautions (or are made to observe them at school), and who may all observe reasonable precautions, and a pair of ILs who don't seem to care about precautions at all.

I go to work but it's in a workplace that gets disinfected every time a new person uses the room, everything is socially distanced and everybody wears a mask. Probably a lot safer than the OPs ILs going into different crowded places.

Back with an update and a response to the posts I missed.
DH doesn't want them to come as it is a bit weird for him that they are here anyway but usually they are part of a crowd. This year they wouldn't be.
Teen DC don't want them to come as it completely changes the household dynamic and he is a bit racist/Trumpist/misogynist and the teens struggle to ignore it ( whereas after 35 years that aspect, at least, water off a duck's back to me). If it weren't for DH I would talk the kids round while acknowledging it will change the dynamic.
I would invite them because, like so many on this thread, I hate the fact that they will be alone.
So I bit the bullet and called him and explained that as we couldn't have the SC and none of my family were travelling from tier three we weren't planning a big celebration this year, however what did they think about us going to them for a while on Christmas morning? I told them I'd start them off with a dinner and they could exchange he gifts with the DC, play a game or whatever. I'd leave a detailed list of what would need to go in oven at each stage so all he'd have to do is remove and carve. Would they like that or did they have any other ideas?
It turns out that she actually finds it a bit overwhelming coming to us whereas he really likes it but mostly to catch up with my family and all their news. So the amended plan is better for both of them under the circumstances. At my behest they have been through the supermarket offerings online and have chosen a cook from frozen joint with gammon and stuffing in the middle and turkey round the outside, served with all my usual accompaniments, no Christmas pud but home made apple and mincemeat crumbles with cream.
So basically all my guilt was to no purpose and we can give them a great day without stressing her out. They'll both have a decent dinner (of their choice) and they will see the DC.
no more guilt!