My controlling MIL has caused us endless grief over the years. If we do not do as she wishes, she will give us the silent treatment, leaving us feeling guilty and trying to get back in her good books. When we had children this issue escalated and she got annoyed a lot more frequently (breastfeeding was an issue, nap times did not fit her schedule, she bad-mouthed us to our children, endless criticism about our parenting in general, I could go on for days with more specific examples but it would be outing…).
We found this cycle of game playing emotionally draining and stressful. In recent years, we consciously stopped making as much effort to fix things when she fell out with us and left her to stew a little. We would still reach out first - but after we had given ourselves breathing space. Although it made things slightly more bearable, it led to her developing a grudge and she started bad mouthing us to the whole family. She has convinced some members that she is a victim and we have been extremely cruel to her for no reason, that we were trying to cut her out of the grandchildren’s life due to the space in between contact (she didn't mention that she would never reach out to enquire after them, and we never ignored her).
The result is that the family has now split in two, with one sibling (that has no family of their own) cutting contact with us entirely and claiming they hate us, and another sibling firmly on our side as they experienced similar issues when they had children. My FIL has spoken to us separately and said he knows it’s all her problem, but that he has now ‘given up fighting’. He won’t defend us in front of her, only when there is no one around (he is not allowed to speak to us without her there and on speaker and she answers his messages, so it is rare we hear from him). He is clearly depressed, and he has told us that she has made him feel like he is a bad person his whole life. On the other hand, MIL has told everyone that we have destroyed the last years of his life and ruined their mental health – being blamed for that angers me the most. I feel my FIL is the victim of abuse, whereas my husband feels completely let down and disappointed that he won’t support us and allows her to cause so many problems, especially when he claims he knows it's her fault.
The effects of not getting on with MIL make us feel as emotionally drained as when we just let her dictate everything. I hate the fact that the family are at war constantly, and have been for years now. My kids birthdays and Christmases are framed by drama and I feel anxious in the build up, wondering what they will do next. It might be a text message or phone call to let us know how we have ruined their life, or it could be another family member calling to tell us that they are cutting us out. If it wasn’t for the one sibling standing by us, we would be all alone. We believed we had a close relationship with those that aren’t speaking to us anymore and I can’t understand how people are so easily convinced to cut us out without ever asking to hear our side. What bothers me most that although MIL claims it is all about the grandchildren, yet she never even tries to contact them - not even on their birthday. It’s like she is not interested in them whatsoever.
In my ideal world we would all just get on and have fun together. I don’t understand how we have managed to achieve the opposite of this. I try to tell myself that all I need to do is accept that this is not something I can fix, and that it may always be this way. I feel so confused, frustrated, and angry about the situation and how each year it feels worse than before.
I am writing this now, as I am trying to work out what to do for Christmas to ease my worrying, half of the time I think its best if I just stay out of it and let my DH deal with it alone (he won't get them a present, he probably won't arrange to visit). The other half of the time I think that if I made an effort and got them a nice gift from the children and tried to see them for some quality time, it might stop the drama for once. As I write this I remember times I have tried this before and it has just backfired. I wish I could just forget about them altogether but I worry what the repercussions are, and I worry a lot for my FIL.
Has anyone been in a similar same situation and is further down the line than we are? What can I do to make this better -for myself if not everyone else?