To just forget about my controlling MIL this Christmas?

[SkittlesRainbow]

My controlling MIL has caused us endless grief over the years. If we do not do as she wishes, she will give us the silent treatment, leaving us feeling guilty and trying to get back in her good books. When we had children this issue escalated and she got annoyed a lot more frequently (breastfeeding was an issue, nap times did not fit her schedule, she bad-mouthed us to our children, endless criticism about our parenting in general, I could go on for days with more specific examples but it would be outing…).

We found this cycle of game playing emotionally draining and stressful. In recent years, we consciously stopped making as much effort to fix things when she fell out with us and left her to stew a little. We would still reach out first - but after we had given ourselves breathing space. Although it made things slightly more bearable, it led to her developing a grudge and she started bad mouthing us to the whole family. She has convinced some members that she is a victim and we have been extremely cruel to her for no reason, that we were trying to cut her out of the grandchildren’s life due to the space in between contact (she didn't mention that she would never reach out to enquire after them, and we never ignored her).

The result is that the family has now split in two, with one sibling (that has no family of their own) cutting contact with us entirely and claiming they hate us, and another sibling firmly on our side as they experienced similar issues when they had children. My FIL has spoken to us separately and said he knows it’s all her problem, but that he has now ‘given up fighting’. He won’t defend us in front of her, only when there is no one around (he is not allowed to speak to us without her there and on speaker and she answers his messages, so it is rare we hear from him). He is clearly depressed, and he has told us that she has made him feel like he is a bad person his whole life. On the other hand, MIL has told everyone that we have destroyed the last years of his life and ruined their mental health – being blamed for that angers me the most. I feel my FIL is the victim of abuse, whereas my husband feels completely let down and disappointed that he won’t support us and allows her to cause so many problems, especially when he claims he knows it's her fault.

The effects of not getting on with MIL make us feel as emotionally drained as when we just let her dictate everything. I hate the fact that the family are at war constantly, and have been for years now. My kids birthdays and Christmases are framed by drama and I feel anxious in the build up, wondering what they will do next. It might be a text message or phone call to let us know how we have ruined their life, or it could be another family member calling to tell us that they are cutting us out. If it wasn’t for the one sibling standing by us, we would be all alone. We believed we had a close relationship with those that aren’t speaking to us anymore and I can’t understand how people are so easily convinced to cut us out without ever asking to hear our side. What bothers me most that although MIL claims it is all about the grandchildren, yet she never even tries to contact them - not even on their birthday. It’s like she is not interested in them whatsoever.

In my ideal world we would all just get on and have fun together. I don’t understand how we have managed to achieve the opposite of this. I try to tell myself that all I need to do is accept that this is not something I can fix, and that it may always be this way. I feel so confused, frustrated, and angry about the situation and how each year it feels worse than before.

I am writing this now, as I am trying to work out what to do for Christmas to ease my worrying, half of the time I think its best if I just stay out of it and let my DH deal with it alone (he won't get them a present, he probably won't arrange to visit). The other half of the time I think that if I made an effort and got them a nice gift from the children and tried to see them for some quality time, it might stop the drama for once. As I write this I remember times I have tried this before and it has just backfired. I wish I could just forget about them altogether but I worry what the repercussions are, and I worry a lot for my FIL.

Has anyone been in a similar same situation and is further down the line than we are? What can I do to make this better -for myself if not everyone else?

The other half of the time I think that if I made an effort and got them a nice gift from the children and tried to see them for some quality time, it might stop the drama for once

LOL no it won't.
Bin them. Forget about it. Have a nice life without them.

Go NC with her.... job done, end of, problem solved. If your husband wants to keep some form of contact, it's his issue to manage. Make tha clear to him you're not going to try and broker the relationship any longer. You have your own mental health and family unit to consider.

Celebrate birthdays and Xmas with your kids in the way YOU want to and have a nice happy life without the old cow making you feel anxious.

I could have written your post @SkittlesRainbow but am 8 years down the line. They actually cut us off but it has been a revelation. I still occasionally feel that stomach lurch or anger but life is so much lighter without their moods and drama. I put up with so much because I wanted the kids to have good relationships with their grandparents. After a particularly snippy and tense birthday, one of my friends said "why are you facilitating a relationship with such toxic people" It actually took a stranger to make me check myself. I withdrew and my husband didn't fill the gap and a phone call to him from his dad slating me led to hubby asking for an apology or leave us be. They left us be but tell everyone how devastated they are at NC. Anyone who wants to believe them is welcome to them. I don't engage or slag them off - this will drive them mad. It's hard and sad but contact was worse.

I have been in a similar position, and I would have to say to you: stop it! Make absolutely no effort whatsoever. It will get you nowhere, and every time you do, it will make absolutely no difference. MIL will twist it to suit herself, and will feel she has won a little victory by you being - yet again - the one to offer the olive branch. It is her problem to solve: you cannot change how she is, you can only change how you react to it. You and your DH are in an abusive relationship with his DM. Step back, don’t engage, ignore her, and get on with your lives. Would you really want this person around your children? She will start spitting poison in their ears about you, about how you have treated her… Please, open your eyes and realise that you will never change your relationship with this woman. She won’t allow it.

You have the perfect excuse of covid this year.

Use it to say (if she asks) that you're spending it as a family. Certainly don't get in touch to tell her your plans,as she'll work her way in.

Let her stew. She can still and strop and do whatever she pleases.

Make sure you are willing to go somewhere at short notice if she turns up.

She'll only slag you off, which she already does.

I did this with my aunt ,who took offence at me "walking out of the room any time she entered", and decided I wasn't allowed in herer house again as I was so disrespectful. Obviously this was sent via a 3rd party (my cousin), as she wasn't speaking to me

She was the type to have people crawling to her, apologising for whatever slight she imagined and she rather enjoyed lording it about "allowing" said person back into the fold...

I wouldn't get drawn in, never saw her again. She died a while back. Her loss. I don't need petty, spiteful, controlling people in my life.

Your not my SIL are you 😆 Your MIL sounds like mother. My DF always kept quiet or took her side partly as some misguided marital loyalties that he always had to have her back no matter what and partly because it made his life easier. He regretted it when he couldn't even die on his own terms.

My family situation is similar one sibling who knows exactly what's she's like but who has never bore the brunt of her nastiness full on, defends her no matter what, wont even speak to me & the other who has bore some nastiness but feels a responsibility to be involved since our DF died ( I note they only started to talk to her after several years of cutting her off when DF got sick). But she knows they will walk away if she steps out of line and she can't afford to do that, literally as they help her financially. As for me, she's not seen my DCs for 3 years, my youngest dosnt even know who she is. She has never once apologised for anything in her life, it's always us who have to make the first move. She attempted just before xmas last year by texting to say a relative had passed, I knew it was an opening to see my DCs for xmas like she did the previous year but then cut is off and ignored them the rest of the year, not even a birthday card. I didn't respond, my DCs have finally stopped getting upset and asking about her and I'm not messing with their heads & emotions like she messed with mine my whole life.

My extended family are old school they tend to not interfere, the few who have passed comments have but shut down that its between me & her and none of their business.

Personally I'd cut her off, but if your FIL is still alive and you feel he needs you I can understand why you wouldn't. I gritted my teeth to be in my DFs life but once he had gone I didn't have the strength to deal with her so stopped putting up with her. I've no regrets, and I know my DCs wont be growing up around her nastiness.

As for other relatives, what happens between you and her is none of their business x

If we do not do as she wishes, she will give us the silent treatment, leaving us feeling guilty and trying to get back in her good books.

Your MIL can’t make you feel guilty. You are doing that to yourself. Have some pride in yourselves by not trying to get back in the good books of a person who treats you like shit and just cut her loose.

Block the lot who bad mouth you, best thing you’ll ever do, why ruin another Christmas for that bitch and she is a bitch, my family was the same, most dead now, but I’ll never speak to my sister again and don’t miss her.

She is your abuser.
FIL is her enabler.
Her supporters are her flying monkeys.

Stop putting your family through the torture of enforced contact with her. Stop making first contact. Protect them, and yourself. To anyone who queries your decision, remain silent. Silence is powerful.

Op, the definition of Maddness is? Trying the same tactics over and over but expecting different results...

You will not win with this woman. Its not your place to become the bridge between your dh and his own family, at all.

Step back, please don't feel guilty... Many many dils have gone to hell and back trying to please awful Mils, feeling guilty... Serving ourselves up like lambs to the slaughter...

Whilst dh does crap all with his own family...

We feel guilty.. Can't understand it and the flying monkeys try and make us feel guilty..

The other half of the time I think that if I made an effort and got them a nice gift from the children and tried to see them for some quality time, it might stop the drama for once. As I write this I remember times I have tried this before and it has just backfired

You now know exactly who she is, so stop letting her do this to you.
She's gone into war mode. Recruiting allies and spreading false stories about you. Chances are any attempt you make to placate her will be just what she wants so that she can hurt you again with her cold shouldering.

as another poster said, protect yourself and your children from this and focus on the relatives who treat you as well as you treat them.

Stop being a mug.

Go nc.

She isn't going to enrich your life in any way and probably will drip her poison towards your kids at some point too.

Wow I have just come back on here to read a barage of brutally honest posts. I wasn't expecting this and I appreciate each and every one of you weighing in.

I hadn't thought how I might be undermining my DH, my point of view was that I didn't want to have any negative influence on his relationship with his family which is why I went out of my way to be accommodating for so long. Now I am starting to realise that I have been putting my feelings to the side for fear of having an impact by showing them. But really that's not helped at all. I think my point of view has turned a little now, perhaps it will help me not bear this unreasonable guilt any longer. I have expressed that I don't want my children or I to have any more to do with her, but never followed through for feeling it was too extreme.

She has been abusive to my husband all his life. This has had an impact on his confidence, anxiety, being open about his feelings, and he questions his own decisions. I hate her for what she has put her though and he is happier when she is not in his life. His dad was his role model but he has been hit hard when he realised that he has enabled this abuse his whole life.

You are also right that the the family who are doing her bidding are her flying monkeys. They have different reasons for doing so, some are acting as a rescuer and others have no self confidence or agency. Its shocking to see how far toxic behaviour can spread.

I guess its time for me to face the harsh reality and let go of the dream of having in laws that I have a relationship with, but focus on the lovely family and relationships I do have. Its time to protect my children from this abusive behaviour and support my DH on his journey to coming to terms with this situation and make it a much smaller part of our life.

Thanks everyone x

@SkittlesRainbow
You very smart cookie!

Exactly, a much smaller part of your life.

She won’t change, so your expectations and hopes for your relationship with her must. Stop putting yourself and your dh in a position where you yet again get hurt. You are allowing her to continue to abuse your dh (and now you) by allowing her contact. Fuck her off, OP, you’re worth more.

Well done op.

I agree on the undermining your dh. It also latched poor dh onto his family for a long time, kept calls goings, contact etc but dh never did and they still blamed me!

Mil had already started to make comments about dh to our dc which is when I thought we can't leave them alone again.

Be thankful you have lovely family on your side. I don't, deceased so I've felt enormous pressure to try and make things work.

By blocking them out you end the cycle of abuse. It is the only way the cycle ever ends. Attempts to manage abuse in your life always poison the family, often in ways you don't realise until it is too late (like modelling appeasement of bullies to your children). You are doing the right thing in limiting/ending contact.

@StrippedFridge I don't really know why i tonight I could end it any other way. I have read up a lot on this tonight and have clarity in my head more than before.

Perfect timing, my DH got a message this evening advising they had sent presents to us today for us and the children. They also referenced how his brother that cut us off put money into the gifts as well. My DH said that this is the most gaslighting message he has ever received. They just pretend nothing is wrong, and I suppose they want us to thank them and feel their debt. They forget that children don't remember the Christmas presents, they remember the memories and experiences - of which they offer nothing. My husband and I agreed that we won't have anything to do with them this Christmas, covid has been a blessing that respect - it will still be the first time we have done this. Thanks again for your support with this. Its been a difficult journey and I know there will be more bumps ahead.

If you’ve not grown up with people like these, then it’s so difficult to watch a husband actively not bother or engage with his parents, the natural instinct is to try to patch things up, and people like MIL are v good at making their issues feel like your fault. That’s how they get away with the crap, permavictims.

I know you will have got messages that point out you were undermining your h, and yes I suppose that’s true, but that’s cos you thought that there was something rational about this dynamic in his family.

Now you know there isn’t.

It is very hard to take someone else’s low or no contact lead with their family, but very very few people step back from or cut their parents off for no reason.

A normal person doing so will find it extremely painful to do.

You see for yourself that he’s better without contact. That’s what you cling on to, that’s what helps you navigate through these unfamiliar waters

I have duff parents (low contact with dad, although he’s harmless enough as a result, NC with mother - and that’s the way it’ll be for the rest of her days.) my oh has duff parents too. The M is now playing GM of the Century which irks me beyond belief. Tried telling me how to parent my ds once too! Absolutely deluded!

There are silver linings with Covid. I won’t be seeing any of oh family.

Sadly won’t see my much loved extended family either, but we’ll go up at Easter or something

Thanks @MzHz

You are definitely right that I have tried to rationalise it this whole time. I have tried to understand them, which has proved fruitless, my husband and his close brother has tried to address the issues for the first time in their life and in ended up with them being cut off. This is just not normal and not something you can rationalise or fight. The more we do, the more we get twisted to this circle of family who are lapping up every drama and wallowing in what they perceive are our mistakes and failings.

We have not been perfect throughout this, both my DH and I have expressed our frustrations in different ways, sometimes I could have done things better. I suppose we believed that if we got it off our chest we could start to address the issues openly and heal, but it's had the opposite effect.

It always felt counter intuitive to give up because that's not my family dynamic. But I can see that it's the best thing now for all of us - them too. If they are as old and mentally drained by it as they have been telling people, the best thing for them would be for us to not try anymore and not confuse the matter.

I can imagine this will cause my husband pain for the rest of his life and that breaks my heart. I feel terrible for the other people on this thread that have been trough similar and have that part of them missing forever. But I am comforted by the fact that this is a common experience that many face, and that we are not alone.

You can keep trying with rational people and you'll sort it out.

With the irrational people who get some kind of weird kick our of being dicks, you can never get to a happy place. They are not capable. They do not value it.

If your DH is like me the pain fades quite rapidly when (a) they are kept away (b) you are building your own new family where one day you will be the ILs and the grandparents and it will be lovely: when thinking of "my family" his thoughts are of you and the children not his mum and dad.

We have not been perfect throughout this, both my DH and I have expressed our frustrations in different ways, sometimes I could have done things better.

The thing about crazy people is that they make you crazy.

I used to work in a dysfunctional workplace and I look back at what I was like in my final weeks there and I barely recognise myself. While now I work in a nice workplace with a healthy dynamic and no-one can believe I ever behaved so strangely and they think I'm a great colleague.

If someone had a gangrenous toe that wouldn't heal or respond to treatment, it would be amputated. If it had been painful for a long time, the operation would bring relief, after the effects of surgery had worn off. The person might miss their toe, but would soon learn to live life without it, and begin to enjoy not having a gangrenous toe to worry about.
Have a great Christmas OP.

Ahh OP, this is tough. The issue here is you can’t win. You and your family are going to be continually hurt because of toxic mil and her flying monkeys.

Let the trash take itself out and surround your self with people who love you just for being you. They might be your in laws but you don’t owe anything to people who treat you and yours this way.