Why is there an expectation to settle down ?

[ShangelaLaqueefaWadley]

Lot of people seem to have this approach that in your 20s, you should go and travel, party, have fun, date and do all of these things that you 'can't' do once you've settled.
Then, roughly around the age of 30 you 'should' settle with a partner, get married, live together and have children, and the previous carefree life you once knew is over, you should move out of the city, and so on.
Might sound a little silly but don't get why so many people have this way of thinking. I'm not sure if I want to have children so that changes things, but you can still have a long-term relationship and not have to 'settle down'. Fun doesn't suddenly end after a certain age.

No but biologically if women want children then before 40 hits is better. Financially speaking: mortgages and pensions are better if established/ in place earlier.
Also who said settling down means the fun ends, life just moves to a new chapter.

Because for most people biologically and financially that’s the best order to do things. Fine if you don’t but there’s a reason most do. Not many women want the drudge and responsibility of a baby so young and having babies over 40 is not optimal either.

I travelled extensively before my kids and have continued to travel in a different way with my kids. It depends on what kind of person you are I think! I am not married but live with DP - life can be anything you want it to be! Not everyone aspires to a show home in the suburbs with 2.4 kids and a volvo 😃

Pressed send too soon- it doesn’t have to be one or the other! I love having adventures with my kids & showing them the world!

I felt the opposite pressure - the expectation that I should go to university in order to party, then spend my 20s travelling etc. I was actually quite keen to just get on with it and work and make a home, having enjoyed my teens plenty. I'd have loved to start a family then. This looked tantamount to rebellion.

I'd rather have a balance all the way through, than an extended adolescence followed by martyrdom. Obviously the year you have a baby is just going to be settle-down central (at least, it was for me) but you can still enjoy life! I find that now I feel entitled to focus on what I actually want, rather than what my age group is supposed to want.

If you are going to have kids it is probably better for them to be settled in terms of having a home, a stable schooling. If you have kids your responsibilities to them come before your having fun

Many people find that a natural evolution of their life. "Having fun " can become a bit hollow and having children becomes more satisfying. It's probably biologically driven, pretty fundamental to being human

Not everyone wants or can have children. Even then , you might find what you want to do changes.

But I guess you are feeling that what is very normal and therefore what people expect is becoming a pressure to conform?

I am at the other end...hoping to do more travel and stuff when this is all over. Never had the money when I was younger, during the recession in the late 80s

I felt exactly the pressure that the OP writes about. Lots of encouragement to study, build my career and travel until I hit 30 and then everyone seemed to disapprove of my lifestyle. I found it a bit disappointing really. But I got married (at 40) and had a DC (early 40s) because that's when it was right for me and when I felt ready. I was / am financially secure which helps enormously. I still work FT, live in the city and travel extensively though so I didn't give up my life.

@midgebabe

If you are going to have kids it is probably better for them to be settled in terms of having a home, a stable schooling. If you have kids your responsibilities to them come before your having fun

Many people find that a natural evolution of their life. "Having fun " can become a bit hollow and having children becomes more satisfying. It's probably biologically driven, pretty fundamental to being human

Not everyone wants or can have children. Even then , you might find what you want to do changes.

But I guess you are feeling that what is very normal and therefore what people expect is becoming a pressure to conform?

I am at the other end...hoping to do more travel and stuff when this is all over. Never had the money when I was younger, during the recession in the late 80s

That's rude to both childfree and childless people. Their lives are not hollow because they don't want or can't have kids.

I mean, biology doesn't just steer your fertility. Your metabolic health and sleep habits change naturally over time.

My hobbies and habits have changed steadily between 28-32 and I didn't need kids or a mortgage to make that happen. I'm now really into fitness and writing.

We do plan kids in the next couple of years, but they won't be stopping me partying, I did that voluntarily, and they won't be stopping me traveling, they'll come along for the ride like I did with my parents.

Batman it is not rude to state what people say themselves. Many do feel that they have had enough of fun and want to settle down.

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Batman it is not rude to state what people say themselves. Many do feel that they have had enough of fun and want to settle down.

Childfree and childless people find their lives hollow and want to settle down and they've told you this? OK.

Good to know people only have kids once they've had enough of fun, sorry your life isn't fun anymore.

Don't misquote me.

I said many people find their lives hollow without children. That's true, it's not saying that childless people's lives are hollow. It's how many people feel and they are allowed to feel what they feel without being judged.

However, many childless people do find a gaping hole in their lives that they have to learn how to fill. Again, they are allowed to feel that and should not be judged. They should be allowed to say that's how they feel without being accused of judging other people.

I'm mid thirties and many of my friends don't have children. We live near London and my best friends live in the city itself and most have chosen not to have dcs yet. But yes, they are settled, because they have bills to pay. So they don't travel, go on gap years, get stinking drunk or take drugs, because they have jobs! Also, the older I get, the less stamina or desire I have to party.

I know a lot of families in our new area who (not at the moment obviously) still travel and socialise a lot WITH their dcs.

What you're saying in your op is not quite accurate. There is no expectation these days that you will get married and have children ever. Certainly not in this area of the country anyway. Can't speak for everywhere. What your op describes is how things were maybe 50 years ago imo. Do what you want. Don't be so arrogant as to think other people only choose another path to you because that is the societal expectation. Some people just have different goals to you. You do you hun 🤷‍♀️.

My hobbies and habits have changed steadily between 28-32 and I didn't need kids or a mortgage to make that happen. I'm now really into fitness and writing.

Yes, this^^. With or without kids, many people find their interests change as they get older. I remember my 20s and, fun as they were, I have no desire to repeat them now. Nothing to do with whether or not I have children. Which is to do with my uterus and family, not society. The two are extremely separate in my mind.

Childfree and childless people find their lives hollow and want to settle down and they've told you this? OK

You’ve deliberately twisted what was said in order to be offended ( it appears). People may settle down out of societal expectation but many people find the things that they used to enjoy ( late night partying) don’t fulfil them in the same way. They’re ready for a new experience. Nothing was said about child free couples finding their lives hollow.

Finding the balance can be tricky I think..I would struggle to not see my friends for dinner and drinks, nights out etc but other people fully embrace nights in and coupledom / parenthood. The mistake is to assume that what you want now is what you may always want. I have no desire to go out on a Friday night now but when I was younger I would have looked at people staying in and pitied them 😁.

Actually bitch, there huge numbers of people who will look down on people not following the same life path as them. That can feel very isolating and make you doubt yourself. Even people who say lungs like " oh how lovely , how brave " can make you feel a freak. Mix with lots of those people and you need ( advice to op) to develop a thicker skin, find new friends and live your own life

Might sound a little silly but don't get why so many people have this way of thinking

Yes, its pretty silly. People have that way of thinking because thats what most humans have pretty much done since the dawn of time.

Move to London @midgebabe! You'll feel decidedly odd for choosing to have dcs and move to the 'burbs in many circles . Doesn't make me doubt myself though. I'm confident in my choices.

When I was in my early twenties that settling down expectation used to make me feel suffocated and I said I’d never be that way but now I’m early 30s and live exactly that life. It wasn’t a conscious decision but happened in degrees of meeting someone I wanted to spend my life with, starting to think children would be nice, realising we needed more space and moving where we could buy a house. Sometimes I’m surprised at my life but equally I love it and I’ve watched a lot of people do the same thing and then I’ve also noticed that other people have looked around and noticed what all their friends are doing and think ok I better find someone too otherwise I’ll be left with no one who wants to go on nights out and live that lifestyle with any more.

I think also for women there’s a time line for having children and in your 30s you become more aware of that

Argh, no, country girl me!

Sounds lovely @midgebabe! Or maybe that's just my fantasy version of life in the country. It is EXACTLY like River Cottage, yes?

Surely it's pretty obvious. Like other animals, humans are pretty much programmed to want to procreate, though obviously there are people who don't want to. Having children without a long-term partner and without a fixed home and a fairly settled life would be chaotic and difficult. Hence the desire to settle down.

you can still have a long-term relationship and not have to 'settle down'. Fun doesn't suddenly end after a certain age.

But different people have different ideas of fun and of what constitutes 'settling down'. Plenty of people still continue to do travelling and socialising after they have 'settled down' with a partner. Equally, most people probably stop the all night parties, clubbing and excessive drinking as they get older, regardless of whether they've met a long-term partner. Because it begins to make them feel tired and shit!

@andtheHossyourodeinon

Might sound a little silly but don't get why so many people have this way of thinking

Yes, its pretty silly. People have that way of thinking because thats what most humans have pretty much done since the dawn of time.

Haven't most humans got cracking much sooner than their 30s?

Haven't most humans got cracking much sooner than their 30s?

Most still do. But even if the timeline is shifted a little the point remains the same.

I pretty much followed the expectation set out in the OP! Spent my 20s working hard and playing hard - building a career, travelling to interesting places, going out a lot - then got married age 29 and spent my 30s caring for young children (eldest was born when I was 31, youngest started school when I was 40). My 40s have been about rediscovering my career and enjoying family time at weekends and holidays.

I probably did subconsciously feel some pressure to conform, but basically I did what I wanted to do at the time. In my mid-20s I loved going clubbing every Friday night, by my late 20s it had lost its appeal, now in my mid-40s and I can't think of anything worse! So for me it all happened naturally.