Why is there an expectation to settle down ?

[ShangelaLaqueefaWadley]

Lot of people seem to have this approach that in your 20s, you should go and travel, party, have fun, date and do all of these things that you 'can't' do once you've settled.
Then, roughly around the age of 30 you 'should' settle with a partner, get married, live together and have children, and the previous carefree life you once knew is over, you should move out of the city, and so on.
Might sound a little silly but don't get why so many people have this way of thinking. I'm not sure if I want to have children so that changes things, but you can still have a long-term relationship and not have to 'settle down'. Fun doesn't suddenly end after a certain age.

Oh and yes we moved out of the city when I was 33! I was a real city girl but love the countryside now. Didn't realise I was quite such a walking cliche!

Well honestly I was partied out by 30, which happened to coincide with when I met DH. If I never stay up until dawn getting drunk and high again it will be too soon.

But having children has never stopped me from travelling and having fun, it just changed the kind of travel for a bit (less backpacking in Cambodia and more chill by the ocean in a 5 star in Bali). And fun was less partying and more going on water slides or to theme parks, etc.

If anything, having kids has made me have more fun.

Nothing to stop someone from back-packing in Cambodia in your 60s if that's what they want to do. Hiking through Lapland or inter-railing through Europe with grandchildren. My parents did the latter until into their 80s. For them (and me) a 5 star hotel by the ocean would not be the activity of choice however old we got. You do still get a choice in middle age.

A few things that might influence people's choices:

many people do find they want children and there is a cut-off date for that (at least for women, ideally also for men)

provision for one's old age- pension, somewhere safe and guaranteed to live even if rent prices rocket- may mean people prioritise a steady job over adventure

dating gets harder (not impossible) when many other people in your age group are already settled

physical tolerance of alcohol and late nights may diminish as your body grows older- the friends I had who were still drinking like 20yos into their 50s didn't actually do that well physically

So OP are you saying you find other people are pressuring you to do this?

Or that you don't understand why so many other people do this?

If it's the first one then i'm surprised frankly. Is this friends or family? Is it a culture thing? Your parents want grandkids?

If it's the second - why do lots of people begin to settle down in their 30s - well, roaring round the globe with nothing but a spare pair of knickers in your bag and not knowing where the next meal is coming from is great fun while you're very young. But for the majority once you get in your 30s you do start to look ahead and want a bit of stability in your life. This tends to necessitate a home, and therefore money, you might have health concerns ect. Kids. Partner.

Some people live the hippy life till they die - happy to drift along and have no ties. I envy them in some ways - but it wouldn't be for me.

Nothing to stop someone from back-packing in Cambodia in your 60s if that's what they want to do. Hiking through Lapland or inter-railing through Europe with grandchildren. My parents did the latter until into their 80s. For them (and me) a 5 star hotel by the ocean would not be the activity of choice however old we got. You do still get a choice in middle age.

Agree. When I say it changed our choice of travel for a bit I meant when the kids were toddlers. We had a few years where walking/hiking/site seeing intensive holidays weren't really possible or enjoyable because the kids were between the pram/sling age but their little legs weren't up for much walking and they didn't appreciate the ancient Buddhist monastery as much as I did.

Honestly, it was a nice change of pace during the sleep deprived years. I don't regret it.

Nice to be able to go back to site seeing/hiking though.

Too much of a good thing? I don’t know, all the partying is fun for a while and then not so much. After a while you want a nice home to spend time in.
Of course you don’t need to become boring whilst in a long term relationship but even the child free people I know in their mid to late 30s in long term relationships have become (in the nicest possible way!) boring.

I have kids and that plays a big part of it of course.. We might well move house again in the future but I can’t be thinking of uprooting my DC from school every few years. Life becomes more of a routine. Even if I didn’t have the DC though, I struggle to imagine that DH and I would be out every other night like we were when we were I out early twenties. If we didn’t have children I assume we’d be just as domesticated as the couples I know our age without children. The only difference I guess would be no need to consider where to live based on schools, no need to take holidays in school holidays and no guilt if you want to move 100 miles away.

I totally followed the standard trajectory- partied through my late teens and twenties, got married at 32, moved out of London to a village in the shires, had dc etc. But at no point did I feel pressure on me to do those things. I very very much wanted to. For example I thought when I was about 23 that I never ever wanted to leave London. 8 years later I was thinking 'Why on earth am I living here?!' and was thrilled and blissfully happy about moving into my thatched cottage on the village green.

I’ve travelled and lived on a number of continents. My DD is 18 months and so will she. When people talk about steady schooling and being in one place, they’ve never experienced the international scene and IB Schools- you don’t need to be in middle UK and keeping up with the Jones, there’s a lot of opportunities out there.

roaring round the globe with nothing but a spare pair of knickers in your bag and not knowing where the next meal is coming from is great fun while you're very young

Also, my mum died in her fifties. My dad has a new partner who I really don't know. If I didn't have some financial security and secure home of my own, (we own ours which would always be my ideal), I really wouldn't have anywhere to go.

When I was in my twenties and my mum was still around, there was always that safety net, that I could move back home if shit hit the fan for me financially. The closer your parents are to death, the more responsible you may feel you have to be. Sorry to be a bit morbid, but that's what I have found to be true.

Some people also end up having to find money to keep their ageing parents in care homes or care for them at home. So, even without kids, it is harder as you get older, to take a devil mast care attitude, not having a steady job and never being near home.

God there really are so many reasons for settling down which have nothing to do with kids aren't there?

Devil may care*

I agree with you OP.

Obviously there are certain advantages to being "settled" at a time when you're having and raising young children: it helps to have a consistent family set up and a fixed home for schooling and routine. It helps to have someone with a stable job supporting the family etc. And it helps to have these in place when you're still likely to be reliably fertile. So there are some natural limitations.

That said, people do seem to have fixed and rather irrational self-limiting ideas about what you "should" do when and sometimes these don't bear that much scrutiny.

You see all the time on MN people opining what people "should" and "shouldn't" do based on their age: posting selfies, going on girls' holidays and receiving birthday presents just to cite some of the most common ones. Very little of this has any direct impact on children. Quite a lot of that is just a throw-back to old fashioned morality and outdated ideas about what women "should" do.

Stability and consistency in child-rearing is important but its no reason to fast-track yourself into being a suburban Stepford Wife. A happy medium would be useful here!

See I find it hard especially where I live most of my friends do not have children yet. Most of my DC parents are older.

I am 28 have 2 DC ( 13 and 7 ) and pregnant with 3rd.

I have didn’t go to uni but I worked really hard in my career, I have my own house and savings.
By the time I am 50
My DC will be 20, 27 and 33
And I will be off getting drunk and having the time of my life 🤣🤣🤣( wishful thinking )

22 not 20

My maths was well out then sorry baby brain they will be

22 29 and 35 🤣🤣🤣

YANBU OP that is exactly the cultural climate and life map I noticed when I lived in the U.K. and it’s foreign and mystifying to me. I found it much easier to marry and have children in my 20s while I was still starting my career. My children were then older and more independent when I hit senior levels in my mid thirties. If I’d waited to have children the way U.K. culture dictates until my 30s, I’d have submarined my career completely. Plus not had the energy for young children plus demanding job. I’m now still under 50 and have 3 adults DCs our living on their own and only 1 minor DC at home. I’m looking forward to being fairly young and it just being DH and I and also an early retirement before 60.

If you want to travel extensively, it's much easier, not to say cheaper, without kids. I wouldn't fancy taking a toddler to the Grand Canyon, and I don't think a 6 year old would appreciate the Hermitage.

It's just usually easier to do things at a similar time to your peer group. If you have children young, then all your mates are still going out and and chasing careers and dating and you can feel a bit out of it. Then once they start having children and the activities start to revolve around coffee, parks and soft plays that's harder to relate to if you don't have children as well.

Of course it goes without saying that these things can't always be planned.

Unfair to have a go at the poster talking about things feeling "hollow". It was clear that she meant that the things people find fun and exciting change as they get older, so people need to evolve, whether that involves children or not.

I don’t think there is a consistent “ cultural climate” in the U.K. though. It is probably the norm where I have lived in and around London and among professionals that I’ve known ( partying in your 20’s and settling down in your 30s) but not back in my home town in the East Midlands. The people that stayed living there all settled down much younger than I did. I don’t ever remember anyone commenting or judging though one way or another.

Seems like quite a naive question.

If women didn’t have a biological clock, perhaps there wouldn’t be a natural inclination to ‘settle down’ in your 30s. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, it’s possible to have children and still do all the things you used to do. But most people struggle with that. Child-rearing doesn’t lend itself to partying and traveling.

But if that’s something you like doing, then you figure out a way to do it. Maybe just differently.

DH and I are very social - we still entertain and see friends a lot. But it’s often done as a family now.

And we still travel, pre-COVID. But it’s a lot more expensive now there’s four of us, instead of 2.

If you don’t want to have children, then of course there won’t be the same limitations on your lifestyle that parents have.

Again, doesn’t take much imagination to figure it out.