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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice for a friend. Not sure if she can do this or not

81 replies

Assistingfriend · 23/11/2020 15:14

So my friend is married and lives in a house her husband owned before they were married. They have 4 children ranged between 1 and 7

Her husband wants to seperate. But he will not divorce her. She wants to stay together but he doesn't. He has a few properties so obviously doesn't want to give half to her.

Anyway. She doesn't work as she gave up her career to raise children. Her name is not on any properties as they were bought before they even knew each other

She will need to claim universal credit as they are no longer together and he has moved out. He has said she can stay living in the house on the condition she pays rent... The problem is she would have to claim this on universal credit. Is this possible? Would they accept this as they are still married and he will not divorce. She doesn't have any savings to apply for divorce her self. Her name is not on his bank account either if that makes a difference. She's in a real state and has 4 children to think about. I don't know if he will give her maintenance etc or if he is going to be difficult

Tia

OP posts:

stschiap · 23/11/2020 17:28

Legal advice immediately as many posters above have said.
As the mother of his 4 children she is entitled to child maintenance for a start. Then she is entitled to a share of the assets. They are married and she has given up a career to raise his children, thereby enabling him to progress in his career and build up assets.

He is counting on the fact English is not her first language and her timidity to bully her into doing what he wants -ie. staying married so he does not lose any of "his" assets while making her pay rent.
What a fucking arsehole. She needs a shit hot lawyer and to take him for every penny she can get.

Regarding the legal fees, this can be discussed with a solicitor. I would suggest not doing a DIY divorce for 500 quid because he has so many assets. AFAIK the legal fees for a divorce carried out by a solicitor can be paid for out of any settlement she receives.

ivykaty44 · 23/11/2020 17:29

no UC will not accept that she has to pay rent to live in a house she doesn't already have a tenancy agreement on, they will see this as fraudulent

friend should stay in the house and not pay rent - he can't evict her...as there isn't a tenancy agreement and therefore he can't takee it to court

best she stays put with the four children

would he really come round and kick his children out of their home..

Mollyboom · 23/11/2020 17:32

She can stay in the house without paying him a penny rent. It is the marital home he can't force her to leave. She can ask for maintenance and universal credit. It is not his unilateral choice re divorce. If there has been domestic abuse she may be eligible for legal aid

tomatoesandstew · 23/11/2020 17:38

It a.so sounds like financial abuse so may be worth contacting womens aid for advice

momtoboys · 23/11/2020 17:40

The whole situation makes me feel awful , I'm sorry she is going through this. She must be terrified. You are a good friend. He, on the other hand, is an asshat.

Haffiana · 23/11/2020 17:45

@Assistingfriend

While I have lovely people listening. My other thought was if she managed to get her divorce. Could she possibly ask for the house to be put in her name so it is solely hers and if shes not interested in any of his other assets... This might make him divorce quicker. But in that case would she get help with housing costs until she can get a job that pays enough to cover the mortgage. I don't know how long is left on the mortgage.

Please don't advise her even as a friendly thought to do this. It isn't a good idea. Please don't say anything that supports what you think might be a good idea, because you may end up selling her and her children very, very short.

Her children have many years to live in which they may really need that money. Their needs come before 'quick' or easy divorces.

She needs a good solicitor. You can help her find one who is willing to take their fees from the final settlement since she has no cash.

TonMoulin · 23/11/2020 17:48

She needs to go and see a lawyer asap to establish what he can and can't do. Including kicking her out of the marital home woth the 4 children.
If she waits until he is doiung something, it will put her in a diffocult osotion.

She shoulf also get divorced. A shame that she has a claim on all those properties but that's life (They will also help her fall back on her feet!)

Audreyseyebrows · 23/11/2020 17:50

DIY divorces are great if you don’t have joint assets and agree on child maintenance. I wouldn’t do this in your friends position.

You sound like a really good friend.

TonMoulin · 23/11/2020 17:51

And YY to not giving her ANY advice on what she should do re divorce if you are not a lawyer specialised in that area!

It is clear she doesnt want to get divorced so she is stalling. Avoiding to get divorced will not change anything to her situation. It won't make him come back and they will all live happily forever after.
If you want to help her, please send her to a see a lawyer so she knows exactely where she stands.

puttergal · 23/11/2020 17:51

She needs to get restrictions registered with the Land Registry on each of the properties so he can't sell them and make that money disappear.
She needs to divorce him ASAP!
The courts won't protect the assets otherwise

movingonup20 · 23/11/2020 17:52

She needs urgent legal advice. Whilst a settlement will take into account assets prior to marriage, they will award her considerable assets (though remember properties are likely to be mortgaged). She needs to urgently gather evidence of his financial worth, agree both child maintenance and if his income is over £80k approx spousal support, then she needs to write her cv and look for a job. She cannot get rent on uc for a property that is a marital asset. It sounds like he's not going to play fair so it's essential she takes the twin approaches of legal help and standing on her own two feet

BaskingMad · 23/11/2020 17:54

So she keeps living in his house paying ‘rent’ and in time i’m sure he will find a way to hide his assets. This is not sustainable as it sounds like they will divorce at some point anyways.
I suggest she breaks it down into small steps and tackles each with the problems they present. E.g. first step is to file for divorce, obstacle here is money for doing that. Can that be overcome? I’m sure there are ways. She needs a solicitos who can agree to take fees from final settlement. Can she raise money from family for first step?

With 10 year marriage and 4 kids under 18 she would be looking at more than 50% of the assets. Perhaps much more.

She needs to start having conversations with potential solicitors.

movingonup20 · 23/11/2020 17:57

Just a thought, her marriage- you say she registered here as well as abroad? That isn't even legal, you can only legally marry once, is she definitely married or was the "marriage" an Islamic mosque one rather than civil, only the later is valid in the U.K. if she isn't legally married she's still entitled to child support but has no property rights

Pinkdelight3 · 23/11/2020 18:06

Definitely don't do a DIY divorce! Get a good lawyer, the DH can pay for costs as part of the settlement, and take him for as much as possible - he sounds like he deserves it, charging her rent for his 4 DCs' home FFS! If he's got lots of assets he'll want to protect them so rather than have her take half of everything, the least he can do is sign over this home - with the mortgage paid off ideally! I'm normally very fair with these things, but he sounds like a total cock and she needs to fight for her DC.

chillibeansauce · 23/11/2020 18:10

She needs to contact the land registry and claim home rights to the property. This means a note of her right to live there will be placed on the deeds and he will be unable to sell the house or kick her out. She definitely does not need to pay rent. She is in a very good position, but she needs to divorce him, she will be most likely entitled to half of everything due to the duration of marriage and kids. I was married for a lot less time and got a decent share. She needs to contact a solicitor, lend her the money OP

Whatnameisgood · 23/11/2020 18:11

Definitely phone a couple of law firms specialising in family law. Just explain the basic facts to the person you speak to and they will tell you if they can see you for an initial chat without taking payment. This man is absolutely taking the piss. The courts are not going to see either her or the children penniless and homeless and will ensure she has a means of support for herself and them and (likely to be ongoing maintenance for the children and for herself) and that they are adequately housed

AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2020 18:15

She needs to get legal advice, and accept the reality that if he doesn’t agree to a divorce it will have to go through the courts and that is likely to be costly.

It’s simply not true that she can just divorce him. In order to just be able to do that without any input from him she will need to wait for five years. The preference would be for him to agree to a divorce, but in the event he doesn’t it is going to be a long and costly process.

Secondly, whoever advised her to change the locks, absolutely do not advise this. Whether this is the marital home or not he is the owner of the property, and legally she cannot change the locks.

But her first port of call should be a decent solicitor.

And she needs to get the solicitor to assess whether or not she is legally married in this country. If she isn’t she will have 0 rights other than to CM, and he will legally be able to evict her from the property.

MissEliza · 23/11/2020 18:17

I wonder if there are any women's support groups from her community which could give her advice.

FAQs · 23/11/2020 18:18

Where is she originally from/nationality as there are usually specific support groups which can offer advice and offer friendship to build her confidence.

Isthatitnow · 23/11/2020 18:25

op - useful divorce website is www.wikivorce.com A good starting point for all things separation and divorce. He sounds like an absolute arsehole and he is going to make this as difficult as he can. Her best method of getting out of this with her mind intact and some money in her pocket is to get a good grip on what can happen and what can't happen. Many solicitors will do a first appointment free but I would advise getting some understanding of how it all works first or the time will be wasted in dealing with the basics rather than some of the nitty gritty. You can help her enormously be reading up on it all too and just by being there and helping her keep perspective. A friend did this for me and she will never know how much it meant to me then and now so many years later.

Yorkshirepudding1987 · 23/11/2020 18:25

Under old housing benefit rules she wouldn't have been eligible for housing benefit as the landlords children are resent and he has a responsibility to house them. I assume this is the same with the housing element of UC. (Im a HB/ CTR officer)

She can claim UC without the housing element.

As other posters say, she really needs legal advice.

Yorkshirepudding1987 · 23/11/2020 18:26

Resident not resent*

MintyCedric · 23/11/2020 18:55

Assuming her marriage is legally recognised in the UK:

First thing is to apply for matrimonial homes rights. Its a simple form to fill in, costs nothing iirc and can be in place within a few days. This will put a marker on his properties at the Land Registry so he can't sell or fuck about with the ownership of his properties prior to a settlement being agreed:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

I'd suggest a visit to solicitor ASAP...the helplines PPs have mentioned are good.

She won't have to pay much to file for divorce if she's not working. I was working F/T when I filed and was able to claim help which meant I only paid £50 instead of £550.

www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

She needs to try and get copies of as much paperwork re the properties/finances as possible. I would also suggest she spirita away the kids passports or applies for them in her name if they don't already have them, to prevent him doing so.

Original poster

Assistingfriend · 23/11/2020 19:52

Thanks everyone. I have spoken to her and she is legally married here. Mosque marriage in home country. I am going to find her a solicitor tomorrow and will go with her. Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:

ivfbeenbusy · 23/11/2020 20:09

She can apply to stay in the house until the kids are 18 BUT the house would always remain in his name, and the court would expect her to pay the bills/mortgage on it - they take a pretty dim view of people who don't/work work and won't just give her the house for free.

She's also have to move out when the kids are 18 and the house would revert to him

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