To ask for advice on how to deal with a child obsessed with my DD

[LaDilettante]

My DD is 5.5 and in Year 1 and a girl in her class is obsessed with her to the point where it’s causing my DD a lot of anxiety. It started in January while still in reception , then COVID happened so I let it rest to see how it would pan out in January.

Basically this girl is following her around and will shout or cry if other kids are trying to play with my DD. She sits next to my DD and pokes her or calls her constantly to get her attention when my DD is trying to to her school work. She will also try to kiss her and hug her even when my DD tells her to stop. I’ve witnessed it myself, the worst incident being squeezing her so hard that my DD screamed she couldn’t breather and started crying. I had to intervene despite the mum standing right next to her daughter.

This girl exhibits a similar behaviour with another girl who is good friends with my DD as she’s often trying to break them up. Just to add, my DD is very confident and very sociable. In fact she seems to know a lot of kids, a lot of adults and pretty much all the dogs of the neighbourhood.

I’d like to email the teacher about this but not sure how to proceed. I feel a bit sorry for this girl because I can see she doesn’t have a lot of friends but the kids see very quickly that she doesn’t listen to them and is pretty much in their face. My two main gripes is that she needs some guidance about respecting other people’s personal space and that despite telling my DD to sit at another table in class, this girl will kick another kid out to sit next to her and talk at her while my DD is trying to her school work or listen to the teacher.

So if you’re a parent ,how did you approach a similar situation?

If you’re a teacher, what can be done to alleviate the situation?

First port of call is the school, speak to the teacher ,she likely will have already noticed and maybe can speak to the whole class about respecting other people's space .

Also important to teach your dd that it's OK to assert her body boundaries and to say 'please stop doing that' or 'please respect my personal space' or 'please don't kick other friends that's not ok' and how to tell the teacher when there is an issue.

They are both very young, some.of the way you talk about them you would think they're much older. Agree it needs to be raise with the school but I would suspect they may already know about some extra needs the girl has.

Did the mum see this all happening? Did you not bring it up with her then?

Definitely speak to the teacher. Say what you said in the first two paragraphs - well maybe reword the last sentence not to mention the other mum, just say you had to intervene. Also mention that she insists on sitting next to DD and distracts her. The teacher will be used to dealing with these problems. She can separate them in class, talk about boundaries, and maybe support the other little girl to play with other kids instead of your DD.

Call the teacher, ask for your daughter to be moved away from her in class and ask they keep an eye on them in playground. Also teach your daughter boundaries “stop it I don’t like it” etc

From where l come from in junior school children are taught the saying "uncomfortable touch" and every year taught different boundaries to keep themselves safe. Maybe the teacher could do a lesson on this so without naming names educate the class in what's ok and not ok .

I've already talk to my DD about telling the girl to stop or say she doesn't want to play with her. She says the girl doesn't listen and carries on asking the same thing over and over again. I've also told her to tell the teacher but I get the impression her teacher just thinks it's a couple of kids messing around. In that respect she has no problem asserting herself.

As for the mum, I don't think she can see her daughter's behaviour is affecting other kids. I'm actually in good terms with the mum but had to tell her daughter to stop several times. I'm talking times when her child is running after my DD trying to grab her while she's shouting 'Stop it! Leave me alone!'. This has happened so many times that I'm at a loss to understand why the mum can't see it.

Just speak to the teacher about it, they should hopefully be able to do something to make your daughter more comfortable

Speak to the school and insist that your daughter is moved to sit away from the child, at a different table, so that DD can do her school work in peace . At lunch and playtimes, the supervision staff need to be aware and ready to intervene.

     From teaching experience;    some children  who constantly  seek  inappropriate physical contact/ force  "affection" that hurts,  are  imitating or expressing the  abuse they've experienced  at home.  So it's really important for you to  find out from DD exactly what physical contacts  occurred.  "Show me on teddy" might help.

This has happened so many times that I'm at a loss to understand why the mum can't see it.

It doesn't matter why because the mum is not the person you need to speak to. The mum is not on the spot all day to manage how her DD behaves to your DD. The teacher is. You wrote a very clear email explaining all the problems and how your DD feels. You've already tried getting your DD to deal with it herself and that hasn't worked. Your DD is too little to make it clear that it's not just kids messing around. But you can speak up for her. If the teacher brushes you off and it keeps happening you can escalate the complaint. But the first step is to talk to the teacher.

This happened with my daughter and a girl in her class in reception. The teacher picked up on it - we were of the 'it will all sort itself out' view. It didn't. The child's behaviour to my daughter became more and more extreme; it coloured most of junior school for my daughter who became less confident more withdrawn and more afraid of the other girl. The other girl in contrast grew into herself and became a full blown bully, eventually moving on from my daughter and leaving a trail of destruction. Her mother could never see it and wouldn't accept it was happening. I wish I had been stronger at the start and not so polite and not wanting to rock the boat. As she got older my daughter revealed more of the extreme behaviour she had been subjected to, which she just thought was normal because it was her only experience of school. That broke my heart.
This possessiveness is a known personality trait. I would urge you to step in strongly and get them moved apart and encouraged to seek out other friends rather than claim ownership of one. Good luck with it all. It's so hard when they are just starting to find their way socially.

No wonder this girl has no friends if this is how she behaves. I would put it in writing to the head rather than just speak to the teacher. If you only raise it verbally, the whole situation can be watered down and not dealt with. If it’s there in black and white, it’s less easy to gloss over and not deal.

Your little girl sounds lovely 💐

Thank you all for your advice. I think I’ll be firm and will also ask the teacher to get them to sit at different tables. As you can’t spend too much time talking because of COVID, it will have to be by email anyway. Thankfully, the teacher seems to be on the ball and the head is very good too so I’m pretty sure they’ll take seriously.

I have seen this with autistic children, because they are not able to grasp the social interaction side easily, recognise boundaries, and can get obsessions which can be friend based. The squeezing is possibly sensory based (I've had this before in class).

Please do speak to the teacher about how your child is feeling so they can support her and also support the other child in how to interact with others.

Teachers are very good at splitting up kids where there are problems like this. There was a slightly similar situation in my class and the teacher forbade the girls from playing together for a few weeks. If it gets really bad you could consider asking for your DD to be put into a different class (assuming its not single form entry).

I've recently spoken to my sons class teacher about a child doing this with ds he doesn't mind being friends with her but she can get too much for him then turn nasty on him because he isnt as intense as her or doesn't want to be close to her the teacher is keeping an eye on it and regularly separates them trouble is in my situation they both have special needs and they tend to be grouped for intervention together 🙈

I am watching this as just today I’ve twigged this may be happening to my DD too.

Yes, definitely contact the teacher. She needs to watch the other girl's behaviour more closely, separate them, whatever it takes to stop this. If she's reluctant to take action, I'd go over her head at the school.

Whatever the other child's problems may be, it's not in her best interests for this pattern of behaviour to be allowed to continue unchecked, and it's certainly not good for your daughter.

I think once your child starts stressing on Sunday afternoon about seing the other child in class on Monday, you know it's not just some kids squabble. And I agree with people it's not doing this kid any favour as her behaviour is so overwhelming.

Definitely ask the teacher to move them to opposite sides of the class and keep a very close eye on the playground.

This child's mothers ignoring whats in front of her means you need to be very firm and clear with the teacher.

This happened years ago in one of my daughters class when they were 8.

The girls were put on opposite sides of the room and the whole class were put in groupls of 6 in the yard.
They had to play and socialise strictly within their group for a couple of months.

It worked.

Take it very seriously OP.
I would have been straight in on the first monday after pre school upset on the Sunday.

It needs kind but very decisive action.

I had this

I encouraged my son to play with others and not let him push him around. Also asked teacher to keep them apart in class. Eventually my son just fell out with the lad and this came to a halt naturally.... then it was lockdown....😂.... six months later they’re all ok.

Oh god, this could have been my daughter. She was obsessed with a girl in her pre-school, and then ending up moving to primary school in the same class. Most of the time they seemed okay, but I was worried about the fact that my daughter seemed oblivious to any attempt by this girl to push her away. I remember her sitting next to her once, and this girl saying to her Mum that she didn't want my daughter to sit next to her. My daughter was just chatting away, totally unaware. I would gently direct my daughter, try to encourage her not to dress like this girl ("but then she'll like me") and try to help her listen to what the girl was saying. Ultimately, they stayed friends, although have drifted apart now, and it was, in the main mutual - she came over for playdates, for example - but it was a concern. I did speak with the pre-school staff about it, but they always insisted that the two girls were good friends.

My daughter is on the autistic spectrum, by the way, so friendships and boundaries don't come naturally to her. Over the years, she has got better at learning this stuff, but finding that balance between gently encouraging her to listen to what her friends are saying, and having her pretend to be someone that she is isn't is extremely difficult.

Does this girl have sen are you aware? It's possible as my son was quite like this when he was younger and he has asd/adhd. It was very hard for us to deal with as he couldn't understand boundaries. The boy actually punched him in the face once as he was sick of it, and my son still kept going back to him. Luckily he's grown out of it now. I did speak to the boys mum at the time as I knew her well, I was very apologetic. I spoke to the teacher and asked for them to be seperated which did work.
My daughter is also a little like this too but she doesn't do thhle physical squeezing etc. She has a best friend and no interest in the others. Her friend has been off isolating for 2 weeks and my daughter withdrew and wouldn't play with anyone else. definitely speak to the teacher and emphasise on the distraction in class

I’m not aware of any special needs but I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. I know that she’s having a hard time adapting to Year 1 and I can tell when she’s running after my daughter trying to grab her that she’s not trying to wind her up. My daughter can be running her way shouting at her to stop and this girl just has this kind of glazed over eyes a bit like a sleepwalker.

You need to tell the teacher urgently.

It’s very sad but this girl needs help - she’s displaying behaviour that would make me worry about what’s happening to her at home- that’s a safeguarding issue and teachers should have picked up on it - please raise it if they haven’t.

Also, your daughter doesn’t deserve this to happen to her. She deserves to be left alone, to make other friends and to learn in peace. As a society we teach girls to accept what happens to them, even if they don’t like it or it makes them uncomfortable - she doesn’t have to put up with this.

Please pursue it with the teacher and Head if necessary.