To ask for reassurance about my 8 week old?

[HenrysHome]

Hi all, I’m having a really rough time with my 8 week old little boy (silent reflux, cmpa, colic) and am desperately looking for signs that he’s happy and loves me (Reading this back I think I might have ppd??) he’s never smiled, he never makes eye contact with anyone - he’s always staring into middle distance or slightly passed you), he doesn’t turn his head to the sound of my voice or seem to recognise me at all. This plus the near constant crying is really affecting my bond with him. I should mention he was 3 weeks early so I don’t know if that affects anything? Please reassure me that my little boy is happy and does actually love me

Being 3 weeks early absolutely does affect it - he’s only 5 weeks corrected age. He’ll start to smile in the next couple of weeks I expect then the hard slog starts to feel worthwhile.

So normal. At that age, they show they're happy and fond by falling asleep on you! It will all get easier soon - reflux and colic usually go away after the newborn stage, and he'll be smiling in a few weeks.

Ah 8 weeks, so tiny still! It’s totally normal for them just to be tiny mewling kittens at this stage, constantly demanding and giving nothing in return. It’s tough when they cry so much and when you are sleep deprived, but this stage will pass.

That all sounds very tough, no wonder you are feeling anxious. Definitely ask your HV for a chat. Smiling and engaging is really variable between babies. He 100% will know and recognise you though.

Agree with PP, your DC's 'corrected' age is 5 weeks. All developmental milestones will be assessed on their 'corrected' age.
Try not to stress to much, though I know it's difficult.

Babies are considered full term from 37-40 weeks gestation so correction of his age isn't applicable. I'd contact your HV and ask for his hearing to be checked

Thank you for your kind replies everyone. Have spent most of the morning in tears, it’s like his crying triggers something in me and the floodgates open when I can’t console him he only sleeps on me and don’t be put down so if that’s a sign that he likes me then I suppose that’s something x

Hey - sorry to hear you're having a hard time of it. Try the Wonder Weeks app - it's a good indicator of what babies are likely to do at different ages. Your baby is incredibly young still and at that age, their eyesight isnt even fully developed, nor will they respond to sounds etc by moving their heads. And quite frankly, 'love' is a much more grown up emotion - I wouldn't expect a newborn to 'love'. Your baby needs you, for food (breast or bottle, doesn't matter), for security, for warmth. He also needs a mum who gets the care and support you need so that you can be there for him - it does sound like you may be struggling, please do have a look on your local council pages / fb mums groups / NCT for free resources to support. Your GP may also be able to point you in the right direction. The '4th trimester' is incredibly hard, even more so in a pandemic. Hang in there, it gets easier x

How many weeks was he born at?

I agree that 37-40 is full term.

He was born at 37 weeks exactly although I was in slow labour from 36+4. He’s just such an unhappy baby - has been since 10 days old and I can’t fix him

Oh OP he’s not an unhappy baby he’s just a baby.

Have you read much on the 4th trimester? Effectively it’s about babies adapting to life outside the womb. He’s been snug and safe in the dark for months and now he’s in this bright noisy world. All you need to do is keep him clean dry warm and fed, give as much love and touch as you can by lots of cuddles and skin to skin. And that’s really all you can and should be doing whilst he’s still so young.

Babies are really hard and a first baby is a HUGE shock to parents. I was shell shocked for months after my first.

Speak to your HV or anyone you trust in your life and let them know your concerns, they will be able to talk you through it.

But your baby isn’t unhappy I promise!

2 of 3 of mine had colic, reflux (and 1 CMPA) and at 8 weeks I felt like they endured me, didn't love me, didn't like to look at me etc

Basically they were pissed off with life. They were in pain and uncomfortable.

It gets better.

it gets better. dd was like this. He sleeps on you so you are giving him comfort. Even if he does not stop crying on you he is better off crying with you there than not if you are coping with it. It is fine to put him in his cot to take a break away from the crying for a few minutes if you need that too as it can get very wearing and you will not be doing either of you any favours if you are too stressed to cope with the crying. Take care of you too.

I’m so sorry to read this, it sounds like you are having such a hard time. He isn’t unhappy he’s just adjusting to life outside and hasn’t learned how to smile etc yet. He will get there very soon. The first few weeks are so tough. Please make sure you are getting support, including from your HV. The pandemic makes it harder but PND is such a big risk for new mums.

Thank you everyone for saying he’s not unhappy it means so much to me. Like @CovidStoleTheRainbow said, he just seems so pissed off with life and like he just tolerates me. I’ve googled fourth trimester and it would explain why he loves being in the sling so much, usually it is the only thing that has a chance of settling him from a screaming fit. He’s currently waking every 10 mins from his nap and I’m having to bounce/ rock him for 20-30 each time to get him back off. He’s going to be so overtired and I’m in tears at the thought of how his screaming fit is going to be this evening

Hey op - please please call your HV and say you need a chat. I think you can get reassurance about development quite easily.

Please ask HV to connect you to the local children's centre. Ours is doing virtual baby massage sessions - something like this do you both the world of good.
Some baby groups here were running - maybe not until lockdown ends but have a look. You need this x

Lastly get a sling - it comforts the baby abs helps with reflux etc without you having to actively do anything.

You sound like a great mum it's just hard in the beginning.

Hang in there OP. I promise he loves you and it will get better. This bit is so so hard and just feels relentless!

My little girl is now 18weeks and was 4 weeks early and I practically could have written this myself, she has cmpa and reflux she cried for 19 hours a day it was hell.. I would say it for a lot better from 12ish weeks and now she is super content, smiles & laughs! I can completely sympathise, it was horrible but definitely give your HV a ring or if you’ve got people to have a little cry/vent to that’s ok too! Xxx

I'm sorry, the CMPA and colic is a nightmare. By some fluke my dd wasn't a crier with those but she basically never slept, I think she was in constant discomfort. As others have said, sleeping on you, wanting to be held by you, are a sign of you providing relief. Also, he can't talk: crying is all his communication, so it doesn't mean he's in constant pain necessarily but think about when you have bad indigestion after a meal: as an adult you can say 'oh god this is terrible I'm going to get an antacid' as an infant he's just trying to tell you something is making him grumpy and the only way he can do that is crying.

Its not really an easy fix: we had medication and a firm exclusion diet and to be honest her issues only fully disappeared at 9 months when her stomach muscles strengthened enough the reflux stopped being a problem. It was like a switch flicking. That doesn't mean it won't get better much earlier than that for you, and in many cases it may all disappear, I'd say maybe even more likely if he was early: but there are ebbs and flows and its not linear and the main thing you can do for him is ensure you get as much support and rest as possible. Talk to someone about pnd, don't forget you'll have gone through the trauma and worry of an early birth.

He is so little and its so hard at that age and every day can feel like a week. Its not all like that though. He loves you and you're his home, at this age he barely even knows you're separate to him, that's how essential you are. The best thing you can do for him is take care of yourself and make sure those around you know when you're struggling and support you as much as you can. I needed someone to come and walk my baby a few times a week so I could nap/have a cup of tea/be quiet, it made such a difference. Do all the little bits of self-care you can manage, even if its just having a shower and stepping into the garden for a minute. Its impossible at the time but you do get through it.

I wish I could get hold of the HV she never answers the phone or returns my calls! Thanks @nevernotstruggling, we have a moby which he lives in!

Reflux is extremely hard and can be a long haul. Of course your baby loves you - you hold him and he settles. Even through the pain of his little tummy he knows you are there and every single time you get your weary self up to hold him again builds more neural connections of security, attachment and love in his brain. You can't see it but you're literally building his capacity to love every time you go to him and respond to him.

If he carries on with the reflux you may want to join a Facebook group or other community to get advice- from sleeping wedges to different treatments there's a lot of ways you might be able to get help to get through the next weeks. Have you checked tongue tie etc. Well done for all you are doing xx

My son was exactly the same OP. The first 10 weeks or so were miserable, he didn’t smile or make eye contact, and I found it hard to love him. He’s now a very happy and bubbly toddler who shows a lot of love and affection. Hang in there 💐

Thank you @LockdownLil I really needed to hear that! I’ve joined a colic and reflux support group on Facebook, it’s crazy how many little ones are suffering with these! I think i do love him but it’s more out of duty than affection at the moment

If you're breastfeeding and that's going ok, consider trying expressing in the mornings (either while feeding, or more likely after a feed). Whatever you can get in the morning, get your partner to give him in the evening some time if possible - while you get some extra sleep. If that's not possible just having a top up available in those horror evening crying / feeding marathons might still help you both.

Please try not to worry. I remember handing crying babies back to their mums who could instantly shush them before I had a baby but then when I had one mine would keep crying when she came back to me! She wasn’t much of a smiler either until she hit 10 weeks and then one morning I woke up to her beaming at me and from then on she was much smilier. But I did spend quite a lot of her babyhood watching what other babies were doing and wondering why mine wasn’t yet. She sat up fairly early but didn’t crawl, wave, clap or point for ages and then suddenly she was doing all of them within a week and now when I look at my bright chatterbox of a three year old I wish I’d relaxed a bit more with her when she was a baby and not worried when the next milestone was going to be reached.