To ask for reassurance about my 8 week old?

[HenrysHome]

Hi all, I’m having a really rough time with my 8 week old little boy (silent reflux, cmpa, colic) and am desperately looking for signs that he’s happy and loves me (Reading this back I think I might have ppd??) he’s never smiled, he never makes eye contact with anyone - he’s always staring into middle distance or slightly passed you), he doesn’t turn his head to the sound of my voice or seem to recognise me at all. This plus the near constant crying is really affecting my bond with him. I should mention he was 3 weeks early so I don’t know if that affects anything? Please reassure me that my little boy is happy and does actually love me

@HenrysHome call the office and ask for a duty HV

Thank you @tyrannosaurustrip, sorry to hear you had similar but also relieved that it’s pretty much over for you! I’m trying to hold onto the fact that things should start improving in a few weeks but honestly sometimes I struggle to see how I’m going to make it through the next few days let alone weeks! I feel like I can’t get out and about or take him anywhere because he just cries and cries and is rather deal with that at home than out somewhere. I stopped breastfeeding after 2 weeks and stopped expressing a week after that as I just couldn’t put him down long enough to pump anything so that’s something else that I feel I’ve failed him on

Did he have the hearing screening done at the hospital OP? Does he startle to loud noises?

Yes and yes @DressingGownofDoom which is why I think he can hear me but just chooses not to respond

Have only speed-read the thread as on the way out but I empathise with you OP. My 37 weeker also had reflux and CMPA and he was a miserable baby. He did smile at exactly 6 weeks but then only maybe smiled 2 more times until we got his medication sorted out at 10 weeks (he was on various things from 2.5 weeks of age).

Technically you don’t correct for age once they are born at 37 weeks but my HV said they call 37 weekers “the great pretenders” because they look full term but aren’t. Once mine got to 17 weeks (and everything clicked and he started solids) the reflux got miles better and he was a happy smiley baby.

Is your DC medicated?

My ds2 was born at full term, in fact he was 9 days late and he still didn’t smile until 8.5 weeks. He’s a very happy smiley little chap now at nearly 2. It has very little reflection of the happiness of a baby as my ds2 was a much more contented baby than Ds1 who smiled at 4 weeks.

I understand how hard it is with a colicky baby. Ds1 was horrendous until 10 weeks. It will get a lot better soon I promise. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day you will realise it isn’t as hard as it was a few days or weeks ago.

The bonding thing is hard when all you get is screamed at! Someone told me fake it till you make it and that worked for me. I was very much going through the motions looking after him with little bond at all (felt like I was looking after someone else’s baby) but it got much better as he got older and within 3-4 months I was head over heels in love with him.

Don’t question if he loves you. He certainly doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t have the mental capacity to even know what disliking someone is let alone feeling it. You are his world. In fact he still thinks he is a part of you!

Can I ask how the birth was? Ds1’s was very hard for me and I think it affected our bond. I was struggling mentally and felt very disconnected from him. He also seemed to be suffering from his forceps delivery and had a stiff neck and I saw a cranial osteopath and he was x1000 happier after that.

Don’t worry about the bond. It will come. Babies are programmed to adore their mothers. Trust me, I have 2 toddlers and I can’t even go to the bathroom alone they are so obsessed with me. And for what it’s worth the bond or lack of absolutely hasn’t affected my relationship with Ds1. He is 3 now and we are amazingly close. He laughs when I tell him how much he cried when he was a baby!

Keep going. I know it’s hard but it will all be ok. You’re in the worst bit now it’s upwards from here

He will smile soon (it might be a little later than others his “age” as he was early but don’t worry) and it brightens each day between the sleepless nights and feeding bouts!

If he sleeps on you he defiantly loves you - he is picking up on your sleep and it relaxes him! Also he will grow out of sleeping on you so you will get some respite and sleep back! The first weeks are HARD but get through them and you can do anything. You’ll look back on this soon as a distant memory and he’ll be all giggles and smiles for Mum

Thanks everyone, he slept all evening in the sling and straight through his witching hours so feeling a bit better tonight. @Grimbot I found the birth pretty traumatising to be honest and he flew out, I was only pushing for 2 mins and he was out in 4 pushes . I’ve wondered if he’s a bit damaged from such a quick birth?

Hang in there.
I had a baby like yours..no 4 so I was pretty experienced. He cried and cried, looked past me, didn't smile..
For a VERY long time. He had multiple issues and I spent most of the first year worrying and crying (he didn't smile til 10..yes 10 months old.. turned out he needed glasses....)
He became the most loving, cuddly, happy boy around..and still is.

PLEASE don't worry about bonding.. it comes in its own time. I know that for a fact. My first.. instand bond followed by severe PND. No 2.. absolutely no bond until he was 4 months of age.. then one day I looked at him and suddenly .. there it was. 3rs child.. instant. 4th.. well it took a very very long time. Did it make any difference long term? Nope. I have four very loving, happy, well adjusted young adults now!

Thank you everyone. Hospital has prescribed us the max dose of omeprazole for his weight after we did a stint on the min dose a few weeks ago. I’m hoping it works because I have nothing left to give!

Poor you, i think so many of us mums have been in your shoes, but it still desperately painful to read your posts because it is horrible to feel the way you feel all the time. So, I won't give advice regarding the many, many difficulties you are having as you are getting lots of advice. I will just say a few things: your baby adores you - the smell of you, the feel of you, the sounds you make and the closeness of you. You are their whole world. Some babies don't smile or giggle much - they make up for it later, believe me. Your bond is fine, it will be fine! If your baby is feeling poorly from digestive problems then it is no wonder they are distracted and grumpy. And, Your baby is going to be fine - early days are soooooo hard, but it does improve. You aren't doing anything wrong, you haven't failed. Parenthood is 95% trial and error - you are continually problem-solving and it is hard to see what is working and what isnt, as things are constantly changing as your baby grows.

Yes, you will meet mums with perfect giggling babies who never throw up. But they are fairly rare.

You, on the other hand, do need to take care of yourself. Get fresh air daily, try and get more sleep, find time to have a shower etc. The exhaustion, in my experience, sent me a little crazy when my son had reflux. I was permanently covered in sick, and could not put the baby down as he would wake up screaming in pain when I did so. Six months for me, then it got better! Cured by a year.

Stay strong, xx

Thank you @SillyOldMummy for your kind words! I had a cry at baby class today seeing all the other mums enjoying their babies so much and mine just crying in pain the whole class. I hate myself for some of the thoughts I’ve had towards him

Colic and reflux issues are so hard, if he takes milk from you and falls asleep on you then that’s definitely his way of showing love at the moment. Have you tried any other colic treatments? My DS would scream constantly if he was put down, tried all the usual prescribed treatments to no avail, I eventually tried colief drops out of desperation, he was like a different baby within a day! He was eventually diagnosed with silent reflux and an intolerance to lactose. It does get better honestly!!

My baby had terrible reflux / colic. Have you looked into cranial osteopathy? Has worked wonders for us. I hadn’t really notice but his head / feet bent to the right even when he was lying straight so his diagram was twisted. He’s all straight now and seems so much more comfortable. It’s so tough. Anyone who hasn’t had a baby that cries this much just doesn’t get it. He’s my third baby and it was tough. He’s 12 weeks now and is still sick quite a bit but doesn’t cry often - just when hungry, tired etc. It gets easier promise!

Awwwww - my baby was such hard work at 8 weeks (he's now 5months). He screamed non-stop every night for hours, and I rang 111 I was so concerned! They diagnosed colic. It's really tough because they seem so distressed and I was crying too because I thought he was in pain and that it would never end. I've even found videos of him I had filmed because I wanted to show the Dr there was something wrong. Looking at them now, I can see he was and is completely fine.
I can honestly say that he just grew out of it, and is now a happy smiley boy who gurgles and laughs. I can also see that newborn wasn't for me, I didn't enjoy it (and I know lots of mums who feel the same) but I'm starting to really enjoy 5months onwards!!
Talk to your GP about how you are feeling, if only to get reassurance. I did, and it seems I had postnatal anxiety. Really common, really normal, easy to say but it does get better - hang in there x

He wasn’t early if born at 37 weeks. Contact your health visitor for advice, hope things get easier for you

Another one who has dealt with colic here. We used to hold ours with his legs against our chest, his feet to our shoulders, and then support his back and head with our arms at 90 degree angle to his legs like in an L shape and then slowly bring his back and head up and down a little. It’s as though an adult or older child is bending over their stomach. Seemed to give him some relief but we had to take turns at it as it is hard on the arms. We used Dr Brown’s bottles which have a valve and this seemed to help. It went at about 11 weeks but we had screaming/crying every evening for weeks. We didn’t know when to bath as early evening was the worst time. H V said to try late at night which worked brilliantly, just before a feed at about 11.30. Kept lights low, and very quiet, and we had a lovely little time then. But I remember dreading the early evening. It does get better, hang on in there.

Didn’t explain that very well! Meant it seems to give a similar effect to an adult bending over their own stomach if they gave stomach ache.

Have a stomach ache!