To not help my depressed DH any more?

[SidekickSally]

My DH has depression, we’ve been together 20 years. It’s flared up many times over the years and we’ve always got through it, he’s tried treatment but given up due to side effects. It’s the cause of most of our marriage issues and we’ve come to a crisis point many times with him wanting to leave but I’ve always talked him round because our marriage was worth fighting for.
I am losing the will to fight anymore and he is too.
He says he’s always been a loner and it’s taking too much energy for him to always try to be something he’s not. I think it’s the depression talking but we’re at another crisis point now and I think I need to let him go. I can’t help him if he won’t help himself. It’s not fair on our 2 children to see us both like this, perhaps once every 2 months or so.
We do love each other dearly and when it’s good it’s good. I’m so sad that I can’t help him any more.
I know I can’t find the answers here I just have no-one to talk to about it.

If he wants to be a loner so be it. He can go. Do a trial run first of him moving out for a couple of weeks? Hotel perhaps, to see if he likes being alone as much as he thinks he would?

Or can you can build a man cave (shed) at the foot of the garden that he can basically move into for most of the day if you want him around for the kids but he wants space? Is there a spare room he could sleep in?

He might be right that he just needs to be alone. Or it could be the grass is greener.

I hope you both get a result that makes you happy. Depression is heavy duty on all concerned.

As you say, he wants to leave, it’s not fair on your children. It’s not fair on you.

What if anything is he doing to help himself? If he’s given up for now then you don’t have a choice but to go your separate ways.

I’m so sorry. How difficult for you

He's got to go back on medication, or the whole thing is toast, it's that simple. Lots of people are on essential drugs which have unpleasant side effects, but it's tough shit really. Unless they are worse than the disease (and I find it hard to believe that crippling depression is easier to experience than a dry mouth and a dick that sometimes goes floppy at inconvenient moments), then it's just a no-brainer.

Sadly, you can’t fix him, however much you love him and however hard you try. He needs professional help and he needs to engage with it.

If he wants to leave, then I think you should let him. It will hurt, but it’s better than living in limbo indefinitely. I hope you’re in a much better place in a year’s time.

I live with someone like this. Meds work. It’s crappy and not what I would have wanted for my life but it is how it is and it is an illness. I got counselling. You should too, ask your GP. Get meds for yourself. It’s a pandemic. Don’t make any big decisions until it’s over. Sending love X

You can't save everyone. Especially if they won't help them selves. Let them go and concentrate on you and any kids xx

I've recently ended my relationship for similar reasons.
We have 2 young children. He lives on a rollercoaster of highs and lows. He would seek help and occasionally go on to a.d meds, but the first sign of any side effect, be that insomnia, a dry mouth, a loss of appetite, erection difficulties, headaches, literally anything he could attribute to the meds and he would stop taking them. He sought out counselling on a few occasions but categorically refused to undertake this alongside medication.
I got to the point where I felt I had exhausted all my options to ease his pain. I'd supported him to work part time. I still undertook 90% of housework, 90% of childcare. I took on pretty much the entire mental load. He had anxiety triggers around shopping so I did all his clothes and food shopping, bought any gifts needed for his family. I cut his hair for him as he couldn't face going to the barbers.
It took such a long time, and as crass as it sounds, a friend kindly pointed out that whilst I was doing everything I could to build him up, I was destroying myself in the process.
I was days away from requesting medication for myself, I had a gp appointment booked. I was explaining to the children that daddy was having yet another sad day, and that he didnt mean to shout at them, or worse in many ways, ignore them, and take himself off for another sleep or to be alone.
Depression is a vile heartbreaking condition that can not always be solved by trying to maintain your current life.
Hes moved out, he's increased his working hours, he manages to pay his bills, he goes shopping. He takes a far more active role with the children. He does some of the school runs. He admits he could have done all this before, but while I was there catching him everytime he fell, he never needed to. My resentment of him and his depression is fading.
I'm not saying it's easy though. The decision has almost broken me, but I see some light starting to creep in.

Thankyou everyone, you are all so right and it helps to hear it straight.

We talked and cried a lot today, thank god we were both working from home. He agreed this can’t go on, it’s not fair on either of us. He’s agreed to contact our GP about talking therapy as it was offered to him before but he turned it down. This is a start at least, I know it’s going to be a slow process and I’m not sure it’ll even work but at least he’s going to try to help himself rather than what’s been happening.
In terms of him saying he wanted me to let him go I told him the door is open, he can go at any time and don’t put the onus on me. It was liberating actually to not have that burden of trying to persuade him all the time.
Thanks for your support last night.

Fingers crossed it works out well for you OP

Op, my exdh is/was depressed, and wasn’t great at accepting or continuing with help/medication.
Don’t underestimate how much of a strain this puts on you. Remember to take care of yourself first. It’s emotionally draining always being the rock.

My OH, who has now died, had a lifetime of anxiety. He did not like the treatments and stopped them. I therefore had to deal with this for the whole of my married life. He needs to know that if he does not take responsibility for getting proper treatment it is you who will have to bear the burden.

I loved my OH and stuck by him, but, believe me, it was not a walk in the park, and both of us missed out on things that life could have given us, because we were tip-toeing round his problems. I do not regret my decision to stick by him, but I am acutely aware that it took its toll, not just on him, but on me and the children too.

It is your OH's responsibility to get treatment - you can support him and gently nudge him in the direction of getting help, but it is important that he knows it is down to him. He may be unwell, but he is a grown adult, and may need to shoulder the burden of some meds side effects in order to play his part as a proper member of your marriage, as one equal side of the partnership.

It’s emotionally draining always being the rock. - I endorse that comment.

OP, you’ve been in my thoughts. Talking therapy is good. I hope you begin to see some light. Every week I personally wonder if this is normal. I try to focus on the good things as the depression will always be there. I have dealt with dreadful behaviour and I tell myself it is the illness. It is not the man. But yes as @Mischance says, our problems are tiptoed around. But generally, I hope for the best. And I focus on the things I can control. It’s not the best strategy but it’s all I can do. But yes, our life has been profoundly affected by his illness.

Do you think there might be Autism/ Aspergers in the equation? I know someone who is like this - often overwhelmed/ cut off all contact/ can’t deal with anything g outside the norm. When on medication for depression/ ADD is very different.

@SidekickSally

Is your DH in regular contact with a psychiatrist or CPN?

The reason I ask is that it's not unheard of for some people's Depression not to respond to the typical anti-depressants that GP's alone can describe, so simply going back and forward to the doctor every time there is a relapse is a pointless, never-ending cycle. It's also the case that some of the more common drugs can cause the absolute worst side-effects in a few people. It's not always just a case of a bit of nausea and a loss of libido.

There are a million and one atypical anti-depressants around now, but they'll only usually be prescribed by a psychiatrist after GP treatment has failed, so if your OP has given up on meds simply because he's been to his GP and that hasn't helped, then he really needs to go back and ask for a referal.

FWIW, I don't medicate myself despite suffering with on/off periods of clinical depression my entire adult life. I had entirely negative experiences with all the typical anti-depressants, fluoxetine, citalopram, etc etc, but the only thing I did find remotely helpful was an anti-convulsant. It didn't lift my depression entirely, but I did notice a mild but very definite sedative effect, which I'd imagine at particular points in my life may have actually been exactly what I required.

If he's unconvinced or doesn't feel able to go through this, it might also help to get in touch with a mental health advocacy service, as they'll be able to talk him through exactly what the process entails, likely options, and perhaps even accompany him to appointments if that's what he desires. A lot of people crave having back-up and support, but don't want family members or spouses in that role, so having an entirely unrelated party to hand can be just what's needed.

Good luck.

These threads always amaze me - it's about the OP and her DH........... but there are two children here. What is he going to do about that, or can he walk away from them (unless he is in a better frame of mind/ has an need to see them or some reason why he might fit them into his new lone life) and just assume that his DW will bring them up herself on her own. Yes he can be alone but he can be alone and take 50% responsibility for his DCs. What does he propose there?
How would you feel as a child if Dad decided to leave you as he was very sad.

I don't have much advice, OP, but I'm really sorry. This is a horrible situation and I can't imagine how difficult it has been on both you and your DH. All I can say is that he should make sure that he has truly exhausted the options for treatment. There are so many different types of therapy alone that are worth exploring before even looking into medications. I have dealt with depression in the past and can say that the last thing you want to do when you're depressed is get help, so he may need help seeking these options out (at least this is how I felt; I cannot speak for him). This is such a difficult situation, though, and I echo the above posters that you do need to make sure that you're taking care of yourself and your children through this. I really hope things get better soon and stay that way.

@AlizarinRed I think @3littlemonkeys82 points here are extremely valid. I don’t think kids would be more upset at knowing their dad left because he had an illness than because he had an affair or just didn’t live their mum anymore
And if he steps up and parents more when solo that’s a good thing
Don’t underestimate how difficult and confusing it is for kids living with someone who won’t interact with them

My DH has anxiety and we would have split up if he didn’t take the medication, and continues to.
For you I think life is too short to live it with someone who doesn’t want to take the medication. It seems to me that he is putting himself first.

He can leave you and your marriage but he should not be leaving his kids.

What do you think life would look like if you stopped holding everything together? Would he be willing and able to parent the children?

In terms of him saying he wanted me to let him go I told him the door is open, he can go at any time and don’t put the onus on me. It was liberating actually to not have that burden of trying to persuade him all the time.

I’m glad you pulled him up on this - he shouldn’t put that responsibility on you and you shouldn’t put it on yourself.

I’m curious how long his episodes of depression last and what makes them lift.
Does he do anything at all to help himself besides not taking anti depressants? Does he exercise, eat well and have good sleep hygiene.
He’s refused counselling in the past?
I’d be wary he’s just placating you with talking therapies - he also sounds like he needs longer than the 6 weeks the gp will offer.
There are also lots of free sites that offer help with depression too?
Have you noticed what’s going on prior to his depressed states?
Does he hold down a job? What happens when he’s depressed there?

I’d seriously be telling him to sort himself out.
I’m concerned his behaviour is an opt out on family life?
We cannot fix these people, we cannot control and we cannot cure.
You have been extremely supportive to him.
What about you - it really really is time to focus on yourself.

If I were you I would post on the MH board on here or via a more dedicated site. There are people who understand the issue and situation having lived through it.

Whilst you won’t get the volume of replies you will get ones that are informed and compassionate towards you, him and the children.

My DH has suffered depression due to a complex physical health condition. He has reached rock bottom but thankfully did engage w multiple treatments. However that whole time was so awful and so costly for the children and I, I drew a big red line in my head that I simply couldn't live that way for a huge length of time. Oddly having that boundary has been freeing and has helped me be able to be there for him. I highly recommend counselling for you, I've had lots and it's been life changing.

I am worried he is placating me with the talking therapy too but he did have a few sessions in the past and even though he said they didn't help I saw a difference.
He works for himself which I don't think helps as he has little social interaction.
I don't know why these bouts of depression suddenly come on, he has a couple of health issues which don't help but even before them he suffered with low mood. It normally does pass after a few days. It used to be weeks but now they do pass more quickly. Generally he is fit and healthy, slim. He eats well, drinks a little over the recommended limit and smokes e-cigs.
He does know it affects me and the children, although the children who are teenagers now are extremely sympathetic and we do talk about this as a family a fair bit now. That was my decision after the last crisis that I didn't want to keep hiding things away, I wanted it out in the open.
I am hoping that the talking therapy is a spring board to looking at medication again. Perhaps a private psychiatrist is worth looking at too.

It helps to hear other people's experiences too.

I almost need to eradicate him from my line of vision when he is on a low because seeing him like that winds me up and I end up pushing him too hard, or getting angry and upset myself which makes things worse and we end up like this. I dont know if that makes sense to anyone else? It's not as if we have a spare room he can debunk to unfortunately. So getting myself help with how to cope is a good idea that I've never thought about before.