To not help my depressed DH any more?

[SidekickSally]

My DH has depression, we’ve been together 20 years. It’s flared up many times over the years and we’ve always got through it, he’s tried treatment but given up due to side effects. It’s the cause of most of our marriage issues and we’ve come to a crisis point many times with him wanting to leave but I’ve always talked him round because our marriage was worth fighting for.
I am losing the will to fight anymore and he is too.
He says he’s always been a loner and it’s taking too much energy for him to always try to be something he’s not. I think it’s the depression talking but we’re at another crisis point now and I think I need to let him go. I can’t help him if he won’t help himself. It’s not fair on our 2 children to see us both like this, perhaps once every 2 months or so.
We do love each other dearly and when it’s good it’s good. I’m so sad that I can’t help him any more.
I know I can’t find the answers here I just have no-one to talk to about it.

There will be a wait for talking therapy. It depends on demand in your area, but I had to wait four months before I could start CBT with the NHS. Your DH may be able to self-refer to the talking therapy run by the NHS, in which case he can do it tomorrow and get the ball rolling as wait times can be quite a while. If you Google "IAPT + your area", you should be able to see what is available for NHS services.

I would suggest that your husband gets some private therapy sessions while he waits for help from the NHS. Most therapists charge fees on a sliding scale based on the patient's income. I know it can be expensive, but if you can afford it, please do look in to it. The cost is an investment in your marriage and your family. Wait times are often shorter if you go the private route.

If your husband has tried medication and hasn't got on with it, he really needs to go back to his GP and try different meds. There are so many anti depressants available, and it can take a few tries before you find the right one. I hope I've got this wrong, but it sounds from your posts that he tried one, didn't like the side effects, and stopped altogether. That simply isn't good enough. I hope I have read that wrong, but really he should be prepared to do anything to make the situation better. I suffer from anxiety with depression, I say this from a place of understanding. The situation he has put you in for 20 years is untenable.

Form the other side, I'm the one with the mental illness. I do take medication, but have tried to come off/reduce them many times over the years. Its all very well when people disregard the side effects as not that important, but even seemingly unimportant things can have a massive impact on your quality of life over the years.

I've been on medication for over a decade. I recently reduced one anti depressant (I'm also on a stabiliser/antipsychotic) mainly because it causes chronic constipation and an inability to orgasm. I bet to most people these seem like silly things to be concerned about in the face of severe depression. But chronic constipation takes over your life, it really stops you being able to enjoy normal life. And a healthy, enjoyable sex life is so important and not being able to orgasm for years is also devastating.

Even the little things like constant dry mouth and yawning (which people comment on), the excessive sweating add to feeling out of control of your own body.

People too often think that being well (for the benefit of others) should out weigh any side effects, but quality of life is important too.

That said I've never given up on treatment and I've engaged in many talking therapies to try and help.

MotherForker - I do hear what you are saying about side effects; it is a difficult decision and requires seeking a balance for all the family members.

I was sympathetic to my OH's AD side effects but still felt angry when he gave them up, because our whole family was impacted for decades by trying to live with a man whose anxiety limited all our lives. My opinion is that the minor side effects he had were not worth making everyone's lives miserable. I know this sounds harsh, but now that he has died I look back and realise what a terrible strain it all was - every planned activity, however minor, was a battle to get past the anxiety that dogged every moment of his day.

Looking back I do feel angry - but I cannot turn the clock back. I have to come to terms with this and move on, but believe me it is not easy. I do not want the OP to find herself in this situation.